Santana smiled at Kurt and Blaine standing before her, then held her arms out in a gesture that encompassed the entire gathered party in the Dalton Academy common room. "Family, friends, and longstanding enemies who were invited for some incomprehensible reason—" Sebastian quirked an eyebrow at her, but she didn't pause. "We are gathered here today to witness Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson's sham of a wedding."

"Santana..." Kurt said under his breath in a warning tone.

"Let her get it out of her system," Blaine said quietly.

"Kurt and Blaine have been acting like an old married couple practically since the day they met," Santana continued. "After years and years of pretending to be married, they've decided to drag all of us all the way out to Ohio to put on this charade, after which they will continue to pretend to be married, because this thing is not even legal in Ohio."

Kurt sighed heavily. "As I have told everyone a hundred times, we're going to get legally married in New York. It just made more sense to have the ceremony and reception in Ohio."

"Whatever, Hummel," Santana said. "I'll believe it when I see it."

Kurt threw his hands up in the air. Blaine pretended to cough, hiding his laughter.

"Anyway, there are fancy clothes and free alcohol, so who am I to complain," Santana said with a smirk.

"Praise!" Artie said. He fist-bumped Mercedes.

"I cannot believe this is happening," Kurt muttered.

"At this point in the festivities, I'd like to invite Rachel to sing a song for the groom and groom."

"Thank you, Santana." Rachel bounced to center stage as Santana stepped aside. "The song I'm going to sing is from a movie that Kurt and Blaine both love, and that they've watched together many, many times. It's a story of romance and tragedy, and, fittingly, this song is sung at a wedding."

"How do you solve a problem like Maria," Rachel sang. It was definitely not the opening line of Come What May.

"Oh my god, what is wrong with you people!" Kurt said angrily, but Rachel went on with her song as if he hadn't spoken. Blaine's shoulders shook with laughter. Kurt looked around the room, hoping to find support for his outrage in someone's face – anyone's face, really. But there was none to be found. His friends were cracking up, and even his father was grinning like an idiot.

Santana took the floor again after Rachel wailed the final notes of the song in full diva style. "Thank you, Rachel. That was beautiful, and very touching, if I may say so. Next, Sam Evans is invited to say a few words."

Sam stepped up and cleared his throat. "I'm so happy that Blaine and Kurt are getting fake married. Kurt is like a brother to me. I stayed at his house—thanks Mr. Hummel—when I moved back to Lima without my parents. We were friends before that, but of course it brought us much closer together. And then after Kurt moved to New York, Blaine and I became best friends. Bros, really, all the way. So this wedding is like watching my two brothers get married. To each other. Which, when you think about it, is kind of weird. Like incest or something. But like they say, love is love."

"Truth," Mercedes said, nodding her head.

"Thank you, Sam, for those oddly creepy sentiments," Santana said. "Next, Brittany S. Pierce will recite a poem."

"It was hard for me to choose a poem to read today," Brittany said. "I was going to read all the poems that have ever been written about love and choose my favorite, but there turned out to be way too many. So then I started thinking about who I love most in the whole world, and that's Lord Tubbington. Sorry, Santana, you're a close second. Then I asked some of my friends at MIT if they knew any love poems about cats, and someone suggested this one that was on Star Trek. I don't really understand it, but it sounds pretty, so here it is.

"Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature;
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses."

Brittany continued for another three verses before coming to the end of Commander Data's ode to his pet cat. "Thank you for listening," she said.

"That was just bizarre," Kurt whispered to Blaine.

"It's Brit," Blaine said with a shrug.

"At this time, I invite Kurt and Blaine to say their vows to each other," Santana said.

"I'll go first," Blaine volunteered. He turned to face Kurt and took both hands in his. "Kurt, you are the love of my life. I am so honored that you have chosen me to get fake married to today—"

"Oh my god, will nobody take this seriously?" Kurt moaned.

"People are always saying that we act like we're already married," Blaine continued. "And I think I understand why. It's because I feel like we already are."

Kurt's eyes widened, but he said nothing.

"I feel like we've been joined together for ... well, I won't say forever, but for a long time now. We've made all sorts of promises to each other, and we've kept those promises, and ... Santana is right, in a way. This wedding feels superfluous. I'm so glad we're here, publicly making our vows to each other and inviting our family and friends to celebrate our love and our commitment to each other. But in terms of how I feel about you ... I've always loved you. I've always been connected to you. And all of this is just icing on the cake. I'm yours, and you're mine, and that's all I've ever wanted in my life."

"Blaine..." Kurt said in a hushed whisper. He took a deep breath. "Okay, I suppose it's my turn. First, I'd like to say that I'm going to kill all of you, especially Santana, and also Blaine. And I love all of you, especially Blaine, even though he may not survive until our wedding night. Thanks for making this an unforgettable experience. And I'll save all the rest of my thoughts for later."

"I now pronounce you fake husband and fake husband," Santana intoned solemly. "Make the heck out with each other."

Kurt hesitated.

"Do it! Do it!" Santana mocked.

"Oh, what the hell," Kurt said. He leapt up, hands on Blaine's shoulders and legs wrapped around his waist, and kissed open-mouthed, tongue penetrating deeply into his fake husband's throat. A whoop went up from the gathered guests.

Blaine was nearly doubled over in laughter by the time he set Kurt back down on his feet.

"Best rehearsal ever!" Artie shouted.

"I hate you all," Kurt said with a huge grin on his face.

"Serves you right, Groomzilla," Rachel said.

"Just so long as none of this happens at the actual wedding tomorrow," Kurt warned.

"You mean your real fake wedding, as opposed to your fake fake wedding?" Santana asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Don't even think about it," Kurt said. "Now let's get on with some of that free alcohol we were just discussing."

"To Breadstix!"

"Breadstix!"

"Rehearsal dinner! Woo-hoo!"