My life is like the plain white walls in the hospital again. A never ending black hole, nothing to look forward to.

It's sad, isn't it? 

I guess I got too boring for everyone, because nobody from the Glee club comes to visit anymore. 

I was released one day to see how I would handle it.  I was at dinner with my parents and it was just to much to handle. I went to the bathroom, found a candle holder and shattered it to get the glass. When I went out they saw the blood rushing down my wrists and rushed me right to the hospital. 

The cuts were really deep.

When I went back to the mental hospital I had bandages on my wrists. Everybody knew that I cracked. I cut again.
 

Don't get me wrong, I didn't cut just because Blaine was gone. 

It was mostly me being bi-polar. It was a shock to me too. And, I didn't know my dad was too. Being bi-polar makes you have lots of mood swings. Happy somedays, painfully unhappy other days. I guess that day was a painfully unhappy day. But, being bi-polar there's an upside, it makes you very creative. That's why I like to make colleges and sing. 

 I was put on a pill called Abilify to help level out my days. It's helped lots, but without Blaine it feels like something is missing. 
I've gotten to know Eric and Emma really well. But a new patient came in, he is my favorite of all. His name is Nick.

He reminds me a lot of Blaine.

Nick's mother died about a year ago in January. She had breast cancer. And, my mother died too a while back because of a car accident. We shared lots of stories about our mothers. 

We did a lot of crying. Nick is the reason I've gotten through this. He is very understanding about all the cutting, he never did. He just had lots of suicidal thoughts. So he checked himself in. Right before he checked himself in he was on the ledge of a building about to jump. He knew he shouldn't do it. So right after that he checked himself in to the hospital.   Everyday he asks me what's your number. Meaning, on a scale of one to ten how do you feel today? I find it sweet that he cares enough to ask.

I have a journal, my therapist told me it was very therapeutic. It is.
 I phrase a part of a song everyday. Most of them are Demi Lovato songs. I can relate to her the most. She is an inspiring figure to me. 

I sing Fix a Heart everyday in the shower. It's really the only time I have to sing. 
Here's the song: 
It's probably what's best for you I only want the best for you and if I'm not the best then you're stuck
I tried to sever ties and I ended up with wounds to bind like you're pouring salt in my cuts
And I just ran out of band aids I don't even know where to start cause you can bandage the damage you never really can fix a heart

Even now I know what's wrong how could I be so sure if you never say what you feel, feel
I must have held you hand so tight you didn't have the will to fight I guess you needed more time to heal
Baby I just ran out of band aids I don't even know where to start cause you can bandage the damage you never really can fix a heart

ohhh ohhh...
You must be a miracle worker swearing up and down you can fix what's been broken yeah please don't get my hopes up no no baby tell me how could you be so cruel
It's like you're pouring salt on my cuts

Baby I just ran out of band aids I don't even know where to start cause you can bandage the damage you never really can fix a heart
Baby I just ran out of band aids I don't even know where to start cause you can bandage the damage you never really can fix a heart oh no no no you never really can fix a heart oh no no no you never really can fix a heart
oh hoo ohhh oh hoo yeah ohhh ohh ho oh oh oh

You never really can fix my heart

I love that song.

I have only five more days left till I'm out of here.  I do like it here. I will miss Nick. Hopefully, we will keep in contact. I can't wait to see Blaine again.

Blaine waltzes in a day early. They allow it. They should.
I missed his gelled hair. I missed his bow-ties and his beautiful smile. And, his voice. 

"Hey, babe, I missed you," Blaine said with a kiss. 

 I missed his sweet kisses.

One more day till I'm out.