To be back in Lima with the kids was always a fun thing to do. Kurt loved taking them out to show them where he grew up, the house he had grown up in, the schools he went to and the places he went with his friends. He took them ice skating on the rink in the park followed by hot chocolate at The Lima Bean. In the evening he and Marley curled up together on the couch while Marley's mom read Christmas stories to the kids.

It was relaxing to be off work and out of town. He and Marley spent over an hour in the bed in the morning, chatting about random stuff and laughing at each other's work-stories. It felt like things were almost back to normal, and Kurt was happy to feel that.

Almost.

Whenever he had a moment alone the familiar feeling hit like a train. It curled up his spine, rolled around his stomach, made his temples throb. When he was in the shower or changing his clothes he remembered the feeling of Blaine watching him while he undressed or got dressed in the hotel room. When Marley's hands slid around his body he remembered the feeling of Blaine's hands and body against his own heated skin.

Christmas dinner was a blast. Kurt did his best to push all dark thoughts away, but he caught himself checking his phone for messages more than once. The kids ate way too much candy and once the kids were in bed the grown-ups had a little too much wine. Christmas morning they were woken up by Milo crawling into their bed to snuggle up between them while Lily was in the kitchen making breakfast with her grandma.

The rest of their days in Lima were packed with soft sweaters, hot tea and reading by the fireplace. Kurt helped Lily practice her dancing and read books to Milo. They watched Christmas movies and went to the mall for shopping. Everything was about family.

Early on the 27th they returned to Queens. Marley had to get back to the flower shop and Kurt had a few things he needed to do for work. He worked at home and took advantage of the hours alone with the kids. On the 29th Lily's dance troupe had a show and the entire family went to see her. She was perfect and Kurt was prouder than ever of his little girl who didn't miss a step.

However, the darkness came crawling faster and deeper with every day that passed. He felt alone. Even though he had spent long days with his family he still felt lonely. No one knew his secret, no one who knew who he actually was deep down inside. There was no one he could open up to, no one he could talk to freely. He was self-conscious whenever he looked around himself when men were around; even the Hugo Boss spot on TV made his eyes flicker nervously around the room and his hand feel clammy in Marley's.

He was lost.

In the middle of the night before the 30th he woke up with a banging headache and a gnawing feeling in his chest. He didn't even notice what he was doing until he was sitting on the toilet with his phone in hand, staring at Blaine's number; ready to call him.

Like he had been burned he threw the phone on the counter and clasped his hand against his mouth. A sob was muffled by his palm and he broke down. He couldn't believe that he had done that while still being half-asleep. His first unconscious response to feeling hopeless and miserable was to call this man he had only know for such a short time – a man he had cheated on his wife with.

He didn't want to see Blaine again. Not after what he did. But the awful thing was that he needed him. Because Blaine was the only person who really knew him.

I can't. This needs to stop. I can't do this anymore.

Thoughts were roaming around Kurt's head as he rocked back and forth on the toilet, his arms locked around his paining midsection. It felt like every organ inside of him was throbbing to the rhythm of his sobs, and his eyes burning from the salty tears streaming down his cheeks.

He cried until his throat was sore. Until his muscles were hurting and felt like jello. He cried until he was swaying on the toilet, his forehead rested against the tiles and his eyes drifting. It was almost too late when he forced himself to get back up and return to the bedroom before he fell asleep. He carefully curled back up under the covers, hoping Marley hadn't noticed he was missing. He turned his back on her, hoping to block her out. He didn't deserve to lie in the bed with her.

xXx

Blaine had to admit that he was a tiny bit anxious when he parked his car. He hurried to lock up and took hasty steps towards the grand double doors to the hotel. He didn't even bother to ask in the reception; he knew where he was going and headed directly for the elevator instead.

When Kurt had called him an hour earlier he had been such a mess that Blaine nearly couldn't understand a word he was saying. He was crying, sobbing hysterically and Blaine had to talk him down to avoid him screwing up his oxygen intake. In the end Blaine told him to go to the hotel and promised to come as quickly as possible. It hadn't taken more than half an hour until he had received a text with the number of the room.

To be honest he had been a bit pissed with himself. He had promised himself to not see Kurt again. To ignore potential texts or calls, because he knew that Kurt was messing with his heart...head!Kurt was messing with his head.

But he had sounded heartbroken. His voice had been shaking and strangled. Blaine could practically visualize how much of a chaos he had been as he had called him up, crying about how close he was to giving up on everything and how he couldn't even recognize himself anymore. He was crying about his life falling apart and his sanity leaving him. About pain and guilt.

He couldn't just let him deal with that by himself.

So now Blaine was biting his lower lip, cussing at himself for being back where he had sworn he would never return. He knocked the door to the room, the well-known red door with the brass number and handle. Just like every other door he had entered lately, knowing it would only be minutes before he would be naked and sweating with his body slick against Kurt's.

He didn't want to admit it. Not to himself, not to Tina – especially not to Kurt – but he had been thinking about him. Thinking about Kurt. A suction in his stomach every time he crossed his mind. He had twisted and turned over and over again in his bed at night, recalling the scent of Kurt's shampoo and the warmth of Kurt's skin. He had caught his thoughts running to his phone with a thought to contact Kurt, before snapping himself out of it again.

He had been missing the closeness. But he had hated how much he missed it.

There wasn't any answer. He knew that Kurt was on the other side of the door, but he didn't respond when Blaine knocked the door. Once. Twice. Three times. Blaine got worried. He recalled the urgency in Kurt's voice when he called him, said that he was close to giving up. So he grabbed the handlebar and opened the door, heart pounding as he entered the room.

Please don't let him have done anything stupid. Please don't let him have anything stupid,he pleaded in his head as he got completely inside the room. If anything had happened to Kurt he couldn't even imagine what he would do.

However, when he found his way properly into the room what he saw was nothing close to what he had expected. On the soft hotel bed Kurt lay curled up with his phone on the pillow next to him and his body moving softly with his breathing. When Blaine came closer he could see that streaks of tears had dried down his face that was painted in an agonized expression.

Even though he knew that he should back out and walk away something inside of him made him stay. He stood in the middle of the floor and watched Kurt sleep, listened to the silent snore streaming from him and the low purr of his breathing. Before he knew it he had grabbed the blanket on the chair in the corner and draped it over Kurt. He kicked off his shoes and laid down on the bed next to him.

It only lasted a second before Kurt turned around and curled his arms around Blaine in his sleep. He nuzzled his nose into his chest and was resting his head on Blaine's shoulder. At first Blaine was surprised. He didn't know what to do about himself, but after a moment he allowed his arms to wrap around Kurt, feeling his muscles relax and hearing his breathing turn calm.

xXx

The bed was soft and warm, a comforting pocket filled with safety provided by the arms holding around his waist and the lips lightly touching the skin of his neck. He realized that he was holding his own arm around a strong ribcage and his face was buried in a pillow of soft curls tickling his mouth and nose.

There was no mistaking, the scent that filled Kurt's nostrils and swam out to take over his brain and body definitely belonged to Blaine. The strong biceps resting on Kurt's ribs was protective, and the lean fingers slightly peeking under his t-shirt felt tender on his heated skin.

It took him a moment to properly get back to reality, shake off the haze from his nap. He knew that he should push Blaine away, but he didn't. The feeling of being wrapped in his strong arms was way to good. He felt relaxed and for the first time in months he felt like he had actually slept and not taken a disturbed nap.

However, the ball of shame and guilt in his throat hadn't left. His eyes were still itching from crying and he had a feeling that it could overwhelm him once again whenever he would let his guard down the tiniest bit. He subconsciously strengthened his grip around Blaine a little tighter, allowing his face to disappear in the dark locks.

In his arms Blaine stirred a little. His lips pressed a little closer to Kurt's neck, wet and gentle. His fingers brushed lightly over the skin on Kurt's back, and he gave a little moan as he pressed his body closer to Kurt's. He lifted his head and started kissing over Kurt's chin, letting his mouth find its way to Kurt's lips, massaging their mouths against each other with a lazy daze filling the atmosphere.

Despite the thick feeling taking up his mouth, Kurt let his lips drift apart and allowed Blaine's tongue in to slide over Kurt's with silky movements, while his hands were caressing tenderly around Kurt's back. The intimacy was heavy, so intense Kurt could feel his tears fills his throat and struggle to run free.

"I'm so sorry about what I said. It was too low, and I really didn't mean it," Blaine whispered against Kurt's lips, resting their foreheads together.

Blaine was caressing his fingertips sweetly over Kurt's cheek, making sparks run through Kurt's skin, sinking through to his nerves and muscles. The feeling made Kurt's brain twirl and blood well up in his face. He wanted to press his mouth back against Blaine's, showing that he needed more. More closeness, more intimacy, more intensity of Blaine's skin against his own.

"I'm sorry too. I – I haven't been all too nice to you," Kurt said, his voice rasp and his eyes groggy.

"No, no. It's fine. I know that you don't... see me as a sex-toy. You need me, and I understand that. I don't want you to be alone with this," Blaine assured him, his breath ghosting over Kurt's lips.

"Good. Because I don't. I really like you, Blaine. I could never tell you how much I appreciate everything you've done for me. I don't even want to think about what would've been of me if you hadn't been there for me," Kurt rushed to say.

They both fell silent. Kurt knew that it was true; if Blaine hadn't been there for him when he slowly started to realize that he couldn't deny himself anymore he would surely have gone completely crazy. He would have lost and probably have ended up tearing his entire family apart.

"So... how are you feeling now? What happened?" Blaine asked.

To Kurt's surprise Blaine eased his fingers in between Kurt's, fitting perfectly as they entwined between their chests. He smiled and Kurt couldn't help smiling back.

"I don't really know. It was all because... Marley's at work, and I had to drop the kids off at my parents, so I was alone and... fuck. I've been such a mess over the past week. I felt so alone with all of this chaos inside of me, and I didn't have you to talk to anymore. Suddenly it just tumbled down over my head," Kurt told, the tingling sensation of frustration and panic echoing in the back of his mind.

"I'm sorry. But... I promised you to not go anywhere. And I won't. I won't leave you alone. You scared me when you called," Blaine said and ran his fingers through Kurt's hair, hiding the dryness in his voice with a hollow chuckle.

"Thank you. I didn't know it would be so hard," Kurt groaned and rolled his eyes at himself.

"To be without me?" Blaine teased, sporting a crooked smile.

"I uhm – I missed you," Kurt mumbled, almost wishing he could have erased the words before they reached Blaine's ears. He wasn't supposed to say stuff like that. That was against the rules of their relationships.

"I missed you, too. It was weird. I don't really... it sucks. Kurt, I promised myself not to – like you. I was just going to help you, and for me to get laid in the process was just a bonus. I never meant to actually be able to... like you. But apparently I couldn't help it, and I shouldn't even be telling you this, because you're married, and we are both in way too deep already, but... I owe it to you to at least be honest," Blaine sighed and fell to lie on his back.

He was staring into the ceiling, then closed his eyes. He drew a heavy breath and hid his face in his hands. Kurt stared at him in wonder, mouth ajar and eyes huge. He couldn't quite wrap his mind around the words Blaine had just said. He had been so certain that Blaine had grown angry at him and didn't want to see him again. And it had killed him.

"Blaine... I sort of – I like you, too. I really, really like you. Not being able to text you or call you was terrible. I was at my daughter's dance recital and I still kept checking my phone, hoping you would have contacted me in some way. I missed you. I missed this... not just – not just the sex, but also this; us talking and you letting me be open and honest about myself," Kurt admitted, not only to Blaine, but also to himself.

Blaine's hands drifted from his face. He looked at Kurt with a suspicious expression on his face. He narrowed his eyes for a moment, searching Kurt's blue orbs before his features softened and his mouth drifted into a smile. He put his arms around Kurt and pulled him close for a kiss.

Blaine backed away, watching Kurt be breathless and scared of what he had just done; what he was in the middle of doing. With one index finger Blaine carefully brushed Kurt's bangs away from his eyes, seeing the electric blue much clearer now.

"You're really beautiful," he whispered.

Kurt's insides took a turn. He felt his entire face burst into flames and his entire body felt like it was trembling even though he knew that he was lying perfectly still on top of Blaine's body.

He had very often been called handsome. That was one of the things people always had told him or his parents; "Kurt is a handsome boy". He had been told that he was good-looking, had a good body and a clean face. But never had anyone told him he was beautiful. He didn't know anyone could consider a man to be beautiful.

"Don't be shy. I really mean it. I've thought so all along," Blaine said, rolling his fingertips up and down Kurt's back, starting a landslide of chills running around his body.

For the first time in months Kurt actually felt happy.