March was coming to an end and so was the terrible knowledge of Kurt's application for NYADA. He would have to send it out by the end of the week and the ghost of it was hanging over their heads constantly, making the boys more needy and clingy for each other, public appearances growing harder to tackle.

They had experimented with sleeping close in their underwear more often. Lately it had almost become a regular thing of taking turns to creep into each others bed every night, stripping down to their boxer briefs and melting into each others arms only to get up early in the morning so their parents wouldn't find out.

The need for each other was gradually growing stronger and the feeling of skin on skin nearly didn't seem to keep the craving at bay anymore. They kept their hands above bellybuttons as well as kissing down necks and over collarbones had silently stopped, both knowing it would only fuel flames they couldn't act upon.

Keeping their relationship secret was one thing that was growing harder to keep up, but their hormones didn't exactly do much good either.

xXx

Kurt felt sick when he woke up. He hurried to shower, washing himself thoroughly and skipped breakfast when he came downstairs. To his sadness he was relieved that Blaine didn't have class until later so he didn't have to face him. He hurried to school and sat in his car, sick to his stomach and his head spinning out of control.

The entire day he did his best to avoid Blaine in the halls and pushed away his phone when Blaine sent him a text. With every step he took he considered if he should ask the nurse to say he could go home, but he didn't want his dad and Susan to ask questions. He just needed to push this away.

He went directly home to hide up in his room. He was tired and wanted to take a nap, but he kept himself awake to avoid the dreams creeping in over him. He had no idea what was going inside of him, what was happening to him and his body.

He stayed in his room for the rest of the day. He was restless and tried doing his homework on/off. He tried rehearsing his steps for glee club but gave up because he couldn't concentrate, and his fashion magazines definitely weren't looking much attractive to him at the moment.

So he fell on his bed, face-forward into the pillows with a small growl, and a prickling down his spine. He listened to the cars driving by the house outside his window, and to the footsteps coming up the stairs, followed by a knocking on the door.

"Kurt? Can I come in?" Blaine's voice sounded on the other side of his door. He sounded worried, which only made Kurt's stomach curl up.

"It's not so good. I'm not really feeling well," Kurt tried in his best feigned pathetic voice.

There was a moment, and Kurt wondered if Blaine had just left, but then the door was slowly opened and Blaine peeked inside, pale and worry painted all over his face.

"Please. I just wanna take care of you, that's all -" Blaine said, his plea filling the sound of his voice. He took a careful step into the room so he could close the door behind him, but stayed as close to the wall as possible.

"Did I – did I do something wrong? You've been avoiding me all day," he mumbled, not looking at Kurt, and Kurt felt guilt wash in over him. His stomach tied to a knot and he couldn't figure out if he was about to throw up or pass out. He had put that expression on Blaine's face. He made him look so scared.

He forced himself to sit up and did his best to fix his eyes on Blaine's face, still avoiding his eyes, but desperately needing to let Blaine know that he hadn't done anything wrong.

"No. No, Blaine. You didn't do anything. Don't think that. It's me. I just had a bad dream last night. Or – I don't know if 'bad' is the way to say it. The point is... you've done nothing wrong," Kurt assured him, his voice weak but struggling to be convincing.

Blaine still didn't look at him. He curled his arms around his chest and crossed his legs, making the muscles of his front thigh very visible through the mustard chinos.

How could he just sit there and watch Blaine pain himself that way? It wasn't right. But it was like Kurt couldn't move. The dream was still so vivid in his mind.

"What – what kind of dream? Was it something about me?" Blaine asked and fumbled with the button on his shoulder. He was wearing the navy sweater Kurt had picked out for him. He loved that sweater to no ends, he always thought it made Blaine's hazel eyes pop and his tan skin seemed so dark on the side of Kurt's pale.

But that was question Kurt really couldn't handle. That was why he hadn't told Blaine about his dream before – because he didn't want to analyze whether it was about his relationship to Blaine... because deep down he knew that it was all about Blaine.

"Oh god. It was – wasn't it? Did I do something wrong? Kurt, you know I just..." Blaine started to apologize, his beautiful orbs huge and concerned, brimming with all the words he couldn't get himself to speak.

Within a second Kurt was on his feet and grabbed Blaine's hand, forcing him to fold his hand around Kurt's in return. He looked down on their hands before back to Kurt's dresser where his crystal perfume bottles were cutely arranged.

A rush ran through Blaine the way it always did when his skin made contact with Kurt's. He didn't think he would ever get used to it, and he was glad, because he would never want to be one of those guys that thought of his boyfriend as someone who was just there instead of appreciating his presence to fullest.

"You didn't do anything, Blaine. I could never think you would. Not even unconscious could I think you would do something wrong. Blaine, you're perfect -" Kurt said softly and stroke a hand down Blaine's cheek, making his face blush. Kurt loved when he could feel Blaine's face go warmer because of him.

"Will you tell me about it, then?" Blaine asked, now letting his eyes meet Kurt's, and how was he supposed to say no to that? That would be like kicking a puppy.

"I don't know..." He trailed off and let his hands fall. He turned around and walked to sit back on the bed. He stared at his hands for a moment, recalling the feeling of Blaine holding his hand, before he took a deep breath and put his hand to the bed next to him and looked to his boyfriend by the door.

"Alright. Come sit down. Please don't make any rash decisions to analyze this or anything – I am really trying to avoid doing that myself," Kurt sighed.

He watched as Blaine's face transformed from scared to confused and back again. He took a few nervous steps across the room and sat down next to Kurt, his eyes fixed on Kurt's cheek – not his eyes.

"So – what happened? Was it something with like... burning buildings or paint all over your clothes?" Blaine asked, his voice a low murmur and Kurt cringed by the mental image that created.

"God no. God – no, that would definitely have been a nightmare," he shivered, relieved to have reality pushed away for a second before he shook himself back to the issue at hand.

"No it was... it was like a – a sexual dream," Kurt said, and his face set on fire.

Blaine shifted nervously on the bed. He had no idea what that was supposed to mean. Did that mean that Kurt had a sex dream about them together? Maybe he had dreamed that Blaine was... normal. He didn't like that – but he wouldn't blame him.

"Okay – and uhm... what about it?" He asked, his voice suddenly rasp, so he tried to clear his throat but it only resulted in a weak cough instead.

"It wasn't like... it was you – but still not really... it was -" He took a moment and hid his face in his hands. How was he going to ever look at Blaine after admitting this?

"You were a girl, Blaine! I knew it was you... but you were a girl. I mean... you didn't have, like – boobs – but..." He stammered, knowing that tears were just waiting to take over and he would lose it completely.

"Kurt, that's... kinda what I look like... there. I don't have boobs, but... there, I look like a girl," Blaine said awkwardly, feeling sick.

"But you're not a girl, Blaine! But you were in my dream! And we did stuff. We were – doing stuff I could never do with a girl. But I wanna do that with you, but..." Kurt was on the edge of tears. He could feel it, and Blaine could see it.

The world was crumpling around him. What did this mean?

"Kurt... did you – did you consider that you weren't dreaming about me as a girl, but... maybe it's your subconscious trying to ease you into – you know, being okay with me being weird?" Blaine asked after way too long silence.

"You're not weird, Blaine! It's me – I'm the one who's messed up," Kurt blabbered out, his voice rising in pitch.

"Kurt, breathe. Do you want me to go? I can leave so you can have some time to think about it. It really doesn't have to be anything bad," Blaine said and let his fingers stroll closer to Kurt's thigh, but stopped right before he reached him. He wasn't sure Kurt could handle physical contact at the moment.

To be quite fair Blaine had no idea if he was trying to convince him or Kurt more. He was sure that Kurt wasn't going insane, and he was definitely sure that Kurt wasn't turning straight. No, Blaine was secure that Kurt was very much gay, and just as much was he certain that Kurt didn't think of him as a girl.

What he wasn't so sure about was that it was Kurt's subconscious trying to tell him that he was ready to be okay with Blaine's condition. In fact, he was terrified that it was Kurt's subconscious trying to scream at him that he wasn't.

Kurt had felt Blaine's malfunction to a certain extent. He hadn't touched directly, but Blaine had not seen himself too go to press his pelvis against Kurt whenever they were cuddling in their underwear, and even though Kurt tried to ignore it he had heard Kurt's hisses and seen the vague tint of red spreading in his cheeks whenever Blaine's lower body pressed against his.

So Blaine knew that even though they didn't talk about it Kurt was fully aware of the situation – and maybe his brain had caught up and was now telling him to back out before he would find himself in too deep.

"I – I think I need a little time. Thank you," Kurt mumbled weakly and dared his fingertips to cover Blaine's.

"Oh... alright. I'll – just leave then. But if you want anything just let me know, okay?" Blaine said and stood up with a heavy heart.

He crossed the floor and looked back on Kurt who had a pained expression filling his face before he opened the door and left the room.

He waited in the hall in front of Kurt's door for a moment, like he expected Kurt to call him back, but when nothing happened he sighed and headed to his room. There he fell on his bed and turned on his TV.

Nothing good was on so he turned it off and grabbed the newest issue of GQ off his nightstand. He flipped through the pages and sniffed all the perfume samples, ran his fingers over the pictures of pretty men with fashionable stubbles and masculine muscles. Like the days where he had a particular hard time dealing with himself and his body he rushed through the underwear ads, desperate to not be presented to the images of flashy colors with bulges that was up for nothing but envy and heartache from Blaine.

Of course the magazine was filled with swimsuits, the season for beaches and pools right around the corner, and without realizing what he was doing he threw the magazine against the wall with all of his force. Naturally he missed and the magazine crashed heavily against the dresser, making a picture of him and Kurt fall forwards and a CD fall to the floor.

"Blaine – are you okay?" Kurt's voice suddenly asked.

Just as Blaine had thrown the magazine Kurt had opened the door to his room and watched it all happen. He had knocked quietly before he walked in, but when he didn't hear anything he figured that Blaine might have fallen asleep.

"Kurt? I – I didn't see you," Blaine said sheepishly, now feeling stupid at what he had done.

Kurt looked to the picture on the dresser before he looked to the magazine on the floor – as if planned it had opened on a double page spread of a long line of men in tight speedos, shorts and some only underwear. Showing off all they had, and everything Blaine wish he had.

Cutting of reason Kurt kicked the magazine as hard as he could, making it fly under Blaine's bed, the pages crumbling up. He hurried to the bed where he crawled on his knees and straddled Blaine's thighs, locking his knees around his hips so there was no way he could escape. He cupped his face and pierced his eyes into Blaine's for the first time that day.

"You're beautiful. You're my man, Blaine. The best man in the world," he said firmly.

Kurt let his one hand slide down Blaine's chest, over his shoulder and down to end on his bicep where he let his thumb caress over it with soft strokes.

"You're strong. You're so fit I'm starting to consider you have muscles I don't have. Sometimes, when you hold your arms around me, I think that if you squeezed a little harder than meaning to, you could crush me. But I feel safe in your arms, because I know you can protect me from everything and everyone," Kurt revealed with a smile before he let his other hand wander.

He let his hand travel down Blaine's chest but didn't stop there. He continued down to his belly and lightly lifted his polo so he could let his palm lie flat against the soft skin under Blaine's bellybutton. A spot he very much enjoyed to show some love when they were cuddling.

"You have this cute little line here – it's the first time I get why it's called a happy-trail. I think it's manly and sexy," he smiled and his face went ablaze.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, but hurried to find Blaine's again before he let his hand travel down to cup the spot between Blaine's legs – the only place on Blaine's body his hand had never touched before.

"And this – this does not show how much of a man you. This is something I – something I will learn to love. Because it is a part of what makes you the strongest man in my eyes," he said, his voice sounding much weaker to himself than he had planned, and he was pretty sure it was about to break.

He squeezed a little, and Blaine felt a chill run through him as the heel of Kurt's hand pressed on his clit, his fingertips pressing against his entrance. The sensation only lasted a moment, though, because Kurt put his palm against Blaine's chest, to his heart.

"This – is what defines a man. And you are more man than any of those photoshopped, fake robots in that magazine. I love your heart, I love it when you have a little stubbles, I love it when you've just come home from the gym and you don't know but I look at you and think you look sexier than anything in the world. I love it when you flex your arms, and your pecs and abs go all macho. I love it when you squeeze my hand so it hurts a little bit, but it's good because I know you're strong. But I also love -"

Another deep breath. This was a step he had no idea he was ready to take.

"...this part of you. Because it is part of you. And it doesn't make you any less of a man. This has nothing to do with your gender. The fact that you dared telling me about it makes you more of a man than anyone in the world, if you ask me," Kurt said, his hand back between Blaine's legs, his hand lightly cupping over the spot, his thumb stroking over Blaine's thigh out of lack of what to do about himself.

Blaine had been listening, not daring to move his eyes away from Kurt's. It was a struggle to not buck his hips slightly so he could press his crotch deeper into Kurt's touch, but he forced himself to stay still – also to keep his tears in check.

Only a few months ago he believed that no boy could ever love him when they knew his secret. Much less did he believe that Kurt could ever love him at all – at least not in the way he had been doing since October, but never in a million years would he have dared to imagine Kurt talking so open and honest about his image of Blaine in this relation.

"And – I think you're right. I've been thinking and... if you want to you can visit me the first weekend after I have moved to New York, and – we can try," Kurt said under his breath, biting his lower lip with his eyes flickering between Blaine's, hoping there was a tiny shot for him to see through what was going on in his head.

"I – I love you so much," Blaine cried and moved forward to grasp his hands around Kurt's face, pressing their mouths so hard together that their lips hurt, but all Kurt could do was return the force.

Kurt's hand was awkwardly trapped between them, pressing against their genitals on each side of his hand, and for a moment Blaine considered rutting his hips a little but he didn't want to push his luck.

"I love you too. I do, Blaine. Would you please just stop looking at all of those ridiculous ads and see them like the definition of a man? Because they're not. I don't care about... dicks. There – I said it!" Kurt grinned, embarrassed that he had taken the word in his mouth, but not regretting for a second when Blaine chuckled against his lips.

"You said dick," he laughed.

"I did! For you! Because they're pointless," Kurt smirked, pressing kisses to Blaine's mouth between every other word.

"I wouldn't say all dicks are pointless," Blaine teased and pushed his hips a little closer to Kurt's hand where he know it would press against Kurt's own crotch.

In a smooth motion Kurt had his hand moved up to lock his arms around Blaine's neck, their noses brushing against each other as they kissed.

"I'm ready, Kurt. I just – want it over with. Not like that... I just want to know what it feels like. To be with you," Blaine admitted and let his eyes flicker a little around the room before back to Kurt's.

His hands were locked on Kurt's back, and something inside of him was daring him to run them down to grab Kurt's ass and squeeze it lightly. He needed to feel it so badly.

"I – I might need a little time more. But... I think in a few months I will be good. And then... if I live by myself, and you come visit me – we won't have to worry about our parents, or anything. We will have an entire weekend to just – get used to being with each other like that. So it won't be rushed. I want it to be perfect, Blaine," Kurt sighed.

It was a relief to talk so openly about it. It was a relief to have some sort of horizon of when his craving would be satisfied. But it was also scary that he had just put a deadline to how long he would have left to be completely comfortable about Blaine's body.

"If uhm... if you want to we can start with like – the traditional way," Blaine suggested in a murmur, his voice low and husky.

He wanted to do anal. Some day. But to be honest he didn't want his first time to be like that. That wasn't where his need was killing him when he was in bed alone at night, thinking about the way Kurt looked in his underwear.

"No. I mean – I wanna do that. Until recently I thought that was the only way I would ever be doing anything. But – I want this to be for both of us. I will be okay. I promise," Kurt assured him, surprised that he suddenly thought he could make such a promise.

He placed one last kiss on Blaine's nose and slipped down to sit on the bed instead. They fell down to cuddle up with their arms around each other without talking anymore about it for the rest of the day. As soon as Blaine's mom called up the stairs for them to get down for dinner they shared a few haste kisses and kept their hands locked until they were at the stairs and had to put on their best mask of innocence as they joined their parents at the table.

By the end of the evening they told their parents that Kurt would sleep in Blaine's room so they could watch Downtown Abbey all night.

The moment they were back in Blaine's room he got ready to push Kurt against the room so he could kiss him as much as he had craved to do while being with their parents, but to his dismay Kurt snuck around him and bent down (alright, not that much dismay) and picked up the magazine that was still lying on the floor.

"Watch this!" He declared and found the swimsuit spread where he tore out the pages and ripped them to pieces, one by one, and let them all fall into the wastebasket by Blaine's desk.

"If I ever see you let anything like this bring you down again I will burn it all. The entire magazine. Got that?" He said firmly and let the torn leftovers fall to the desk.

"Kurt... I promise. I have you, right -" Blaine sighed and walked over to put his arms around Kurt's waist so he could nuzzle his nose against his cheek.

"Exactly. If you ever doubt yourself just tell me and I will go on and on and on about how remarkable you are. Always," he smiled and nudged his own nose against Blaine's cheek.

It didn't take them long to get out of their clothes and turn off the light so they could crawl under the comforter. The moment they had their arms around each other it felt like the only natural way for them to be. This was the only right way for them to go to sleep.

They didn't even turn on the TV. They lay as close as they possibly could and chatted about school and Kurt's huge dilemma of what color he should buy a pair of shoes in. They talked about how nice it was for them to be able to talk to Tina without being nervous of her seeing something they didn't need to hide from her anymore.

When it was late they slowly faded into tender kisses and sweet caresses, like every night. They took their time to quietly show each other their love through touches and gestures, only sounds were those of their slightly heavy breathing through their noses and the sound of their lips moving in unison.

"I uhm – I've been ready for a long time," Blaine whispered through the dark, happy that he was sure Kurt couldn't see his face.

"What do you mean?" Kurt wondered and shifted his head a little on the pillow, not having the slightest idea what Blaine could be referring to.

"To, you know, try. I mean – I always think of you when I... t -" Blaine stammered but was abruptly stopped.

Kurt's head started spinning, his cock twitching in his underwear. Had Blaine really just said that? Oh god, yes he had.

"Blaine!"

His face was boiling and images of Blaine twisting and writhing, naked on the bed, while moaning Kurt's name, formed in his head.

"Are you – I mean... do you – do you do that a lot?" He stuttered, and suddenly he was very aware of his body pressed against Blaine's, only seconds away from his erection boring into Blaine's hip.

"Not a lot! Just... a couple of times. Don't you ever... do that?" Blaine revealed, hoping Kurt wouldn't be mad at him for asking.

"No! Well... I mean – I never did. But then we got together and... one day I sort of – it sort of just happened," Kurt mumbled and now there was no way Blaine couldn't feel that so he struggled to lie completely still.

"I think of you, too -" Kurt whispered.

In a quick second Blaine was lying on his side, his body completely mirroring Kurt's position. He let his hand slowly slide down Kurt's stomach, and he could feel Kurt holding his breath just as much as he was himself.

And then Blaine was cupping his hand around Kurt's erection. Big and hard, warm and heavy in his hand. He squeezed a little, causing Kurt to spit out the air he had been holding in, and Blaine could feel his pussy so wet and throbbing that he nearly was surprised that he could hear the rushing of his blood in his veins.

"I think that's really sexy. I think you're really sexy," Blaine whispered and moved closer to let his tongue slip into Kurt's mouth.

Somehow he managed to keep his hand closed around Kurt's dick. He was afraid to do anything, but when Kurt let his hand around to press on Blaine's ass it couldn't impossibly get any better.

Kurt couldn't believe that this was happening. Blaine's hand was on his cock, his very hard cock – his cock that was threatening to explode from the tiniest movement.

"We should... we should sleep now," Kurt rushed to say and moved a little away, removing his hand from Blaine's ass (lord, what a nice feeling that ass was in his hand) and Blaine responded by rushing his hand away as well.

"Yeah. Yeah... yeah, we should," Blaine agreed, though really not wanting to agree. He never wanted to move his hand away. Even as he curled it against his chest he could still feel the ghost of Kurt's dick against his palm.

With a heavy sigh Blaine snuggled closer to Kurt who instantly put his arm around him and kissed his forehead.

"My man. I love you."