It had been his rule from the beginning. It was his idea, and it was him who had felt it necessary. Yet, it was getting harder to keep it up. When Kurt was with Blaine he nearly couldn't hold himself back anymore. Blaine ignited feelings in him he never knew he had.

Somehow it was like the whole world had changed since he and Blaine started being together. It was hard, way harder than he could ever describe – because all he wanted was to be able to tell people that Blaine was his boyfriend. One night they had been making out a little heavier than what good was and they nearly hadn't had sense enough to get from each other before Kurt's dad came into the room, so close to catching them that Kurt nearly had a breakdown. Other days they nearly came close to saying a bit too much when they were hanging out with their friends or nearly shared a kiss out of habit.

Kurt was just looking forward to being able to go to New York and have Blaine come too. A place where they would be able to walk down the street holding hands, where he would be able to kiss Blaine in front of thousands of people without worrying – and a place that would be their own.

But that also meant they would have to spend ages apart. Which seemed terrible considering how hard it was when they were sitting at separate ends of the choir room. Everything was just that much tougher to deal with when you were a teenager – dating your stepbrother.

Kurt remembered thanksgiving where his dad's sister and her family had visited. His aunt and uncle had to stay in Kurt's room so Kurt was staying in Blaine's room... with his twin cousins; 12 year old girls with snappy mouth and unsatisfiable curiosity.

The girls had shared an inflatable bed and Kurt had found back to his usual spot in Blaine's bed. In the dark they were safe to hold their arms around each other but the need for more was excruciating. There was a long time from the lights were out and Kurt was sure the twins were asleep.

"Blaine? Are you awake?" He whispered as quietly as possible.

"Sort of. Why?" Blaine mumbled dozy back.

Kurt grazed his lips lightly over Blaine's and he could feel Blaine becoming wide awake by the gentle contact.

"I was thinking that maybe -" Kurt started whisperingly and wet his lips when he nearly screamed from a startle.

"You are not fucking while we're in the room. You're brothers and we're 12. Let us make our own definitions of kinks, thank you -" one of the twins said from the other end of the room.

"Of course we're not... be quiet and sleep!" Kurt hissed through the room and buried his face in the crook of Blaine's neck.

Blaine had chuckled into his hair and kissed his ear before they soundlessly let their lips meet and returned to their original purpose of sleeping.

However, after that it had been hard for Kurt to stop thinking about his cousin's words: "You're not fucking..." And no, he had only wanted to kiss Blaine – but would it be so bad if he wanted a little more the next time they were alone? He didn't mean to go all the way; he still didn't think Blaine was ready for that, but maybe just press a little tighter or give a hand a free-pass.

So that was exactly what he did. They were on Blaine's bed with a movie on the TV that neither of them could remember the title of and their mouths were melted together in a heat that probably seemed obscure if anyone had been watching.

Blaine was squirming lively under him. His crotch was throbbing between his thighs and he wanted so badly to slide his hand down Kurt's back and squeeze his ass while grinding his pussy directly onto Kurt's cock.

For a moment Kurt figured that he should stop it. Next to how amazing it felt he also had a tough time pushing away the guilt gnawing at him for not even honoring his own rule. A rule he had made with the purpose of taking care of Blaine – but right now he was so hard he couldn't quite wrap his head around that.

He forced his tongue powerfully into Blaine's mouth and ground his hips hard down against Blaine's.

(I wonder how his dick feels like. God, I bet he has a big one. Always so shy about himself and his appearance – he's probably just being modest, like with everything else.)

And to a choir of their moans mixed with the sound of slippery tongues tangling around each other Kurt pressed a little closer. He was searching for Blaine, a goal of feeling Blaine against himself.

But he didn't. Blaine wasn't hard. He wasn't turned on at all, and even though Kurt didn't have any plans on doing anything more than that he was still disappointed. So instead he started to slowly cool it off.

He couldn't believe that Blaine had been faking it.

But of course he wasn't faking it. It was so often Blaine who started it. Surely he had to be into it himself in some way. Or was he just doing it for Kurt? To keep him satisfied.

After turning it over in his mind again and again Kurt convinced himself that he was making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe he had been on his way to getting hard. Maybe he had to pee – that really had Kurt having a hard time going hard. Or maybe there was something else. So he had to try again, and the next time he would definitely feel Blaine hot and hard, and big and thick against him.

…He didn't.

It was the same: they were making out so hotly that if they hadn't had a rule clothes would have been off and scattered around the room a long time ago. And even though Kurt was so hard he could scream Blaine wasn't anywhere to be felt.

Oh my god. I don't turn him on. That's why the no hands policy was so easy for him – because he doesn't find me sexy enough. He's just doing these things because he's afraid I don't want him if he doesn't. Oh Blaine... Kurt thought in fright.

xXx

The end of January was upon them and the rain was furiously drumming on the window. Blaine had been to the gym after dinner and had just finished his shower. Now they were both dressed in their pajamas and Kurt had promised to give him a well worked through massage.

Blaine was on his front on the bed in his pajama bottoms and his torso wearing nothing but a tanktop that showed very much that his many and long hours at the gym were starting to pay off – and Kurt was going crazy from looking and feeling.

The thin fabric was wrapped tightly around Blaine's muscles, showing off every dent and bump of his upper body. Kurt could see and feel muscles on his back he didn't even know the human body possessed. Not to mention how clean and tan and smooth his skin was, still moist after his shower and moisturizer that smelled perfectly like Blaine.

"Mhm, that was nice. Thank you," Blaine hummed as he turned to lie on his back and look up at Kurt after he was finished.

Kurt felt like he was in a bad porno. There was nothing more in the world he wanted to do than free his boyfriend from the terrible restraints of his clothes, but he couldn't, so instead he had to take a deep breath and close his eyes as the sight of Blaine's nipples fighting against his top was piercing into Kurt's brain.

"Yeah. It – anytime," Kurt stammered awkwardly with a smile and forced his eyes to Blaine's face instead.

"Come here," Blaine smiled flirtatiously, cocking his head to indicate for Kurt to lie with him.

He could to his death not explain what had happened. One second Kurt had been fighting the dreadful erection in his underwear, and the next Blaine was dragging him on top of him to a panting kiss with needy touch and slight whimpers. Blaine had spread his legs slightly to make room for one of Kurt's between his own and was pressing his crotch upwards, practically rutting against Kurt's stone had dick.

But Kurt still didn't feel a response from Blaine. There was still no resistance, still no bulge, still nothing hard and big struggling to be let free. It was flat and disappointing, sad, and Kurt could simply cry because his boyfriend didn't find him sex. It was frustrating and he had to bite his lips and move away to not break into tears.

What if Blaine didn't even love him anymore? What if he had lost interest completely, and now he was trying to satisfy Kurt until he left for New York and a break between them would be easier?

There he was: sitting on the bed with his arms locked around his knees and oceans of saltwater pressing under the fragile glass of his eyes. Blaine was still half lying, half sitting, in front of him with a confused look that fit the boy he was so perfectly, underlined by a fear that seemed to be waiting to explode.

"Kurt... what happened? Did I – hurt you?" Blaine asked with a thousand horror scenarios running through his mind, one more terrifying than the other.

(Did I do something wrong? Did I touch him wrongly? Did I cross the line and took it way too far?

Or did he feel something – or lack thereof?)

"Don't I turn you on? Am I not man enough for you, Blaine?" Kurt asked in a thick voice, struggling to keep himself together.

He could hear that his voice was small and weak, frustrated and defeated, but he didn't worry about that now because his boyfriend didn't like him anymore and his world was cracking around him – and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't force Blaine to get turned on by him, and he didn't want to. All he wanted was for Blaine to love him and find him attractive.