The next two days Blaine was torn on the inside. He felt like he was leading a double life and he nearly couldn't look himself in the mirror to fix his hair. The reflection that met him wasn't the one he thought he was.

He kept up his usual conversations with Sebastian where he called Blaine, or sent him texts, to tell him that he missed him and couldn't wait to see him again. Each time Blaine didn't know what else to do than to go with it. He wasn't lying; he did miss him, and he did want to see him and be with him.

On the side the same texts were, more casually, flowing between him and Kurt. Sometimes Kurt would text him out of nowhere that he missed him, or that kissing the girl for the play he was rehearsing didn't feel anywhere near as good as kissing Blaine.

Blaine slowly started feeling confident enough to text Kurt himself as well. He didn't suggest any time for them to meet, but sent him texts to tell him that he missed holding him close or that he wanted to forget the world with him.

He felt horrible knowing that Sebastian was continuing his life happily without knowing what Blaine had done. Just like he felt horrible about himself for texting with Kurt the way he did, and even worse whenever he received a text from Kurt his insides were bubbling.

When Blaine was working at the pub he kept his phone in his pocket even though he usually kept it in the back room, because this way he could easier keep up conversations with both Kurt and Sebastian. Everything seemed to have changed even though he went through his normal routines as usual.

Fortunately Tina had promised not to tell Mike anything about Blaine's nightly escapade with Kurt so Blaine didn't have to worry about that as well which made it a bit easier for Blaine to deal with.

He couldn't avoid Tina's eyes at home or the pub, so he was happy that he at least knew that Mike didn't look at him with the thoughts of what he had done to one of his best friends.

xXx

Saturday morning Blaine woke up from his phone ringing. He rushed to grab it from his nightstand and wanted to kick himself when he realized how sad he had got when he saw that it was Sebastian and not Kurt calling.

"Goodmorning. How's my favorite man?" Sebastian asked from the other end of the phone. He sounded like he had just woke up himself and Blaine hoped that it meant that the conversation would be brief so he wouldn't end up breaking down and confessing to him over the phone. It was getting harder and harder to keep it up.

"Morning. I would tell you, but I'm not sure I'm awake yet," Blaine muttered and buried his face in the pillow. Yes, good idea to make him feel bad for waking me up, Blaine thought sourly at his own words.

"Aww, I'm sorry, babe. If I knew you were still asleep I would have called you in my break instead. I just…miss waking up with you next to me, and I wanna kiss you and feel you again," Sebastian whined and made Blaine curl his toes and his heart cramp.

Why couldn't he just have found a stupid, psychotic, abusive boyfriend like some of the girls from Silverlake? Not this amazing, sweet guy who would do anything for him, and who actually meant it when he said those things.

"I miss you too," Blaine said thickly with his throat clogging up.

"I will let you go back to sleep, and then tomorrow I will spend the entire night on showing you how much I miss you right now. I can't wait to see you, babe."

Blaine thanked him and said that he was looking forward to seeing him as well before they hung up and Blaine screamed into the pillow.

He knew he had to go to work but he felt sick and repulsed by himself. He forced himself out of the bed and spent thirty minutes in the shower before getting ready to play in the restaurant where Kurt had first seen him perform.

He hadn't heard from Kurt all day, even though he had sent him a morning-text, so before he was to go out to sit by the piano he sent him a rushed message.

"I wanna see you again soon. I miss you so much."

He turned off his phone and let it drop to the bottom of the pocket in his blazer.

He played a mix of sad lovesongs and songs about forbidden love, before he guessed that he had to move away from songs about love at all to not put the wrong mood in the restaurant.

He was on a break around 3 where he turned on his phone while having a glass of water and chatting mindlessly with the waiters and one of the bartenders.

Kurt hadn't replied, but Tina had asked if he wanted to keep her company in the evening as Mike was going out with some friends from school.

He told her to meet him at the video store and turned to the piano where he played a bit more happy and upbeat songs for his second set.

When he was finished around 6.30 he still hadn't heard anything from Kurt so he figured that he was working hard in rehearsal and guessed that it couldn't do any harm to send him one more text.

"I wanna see your play when it opens. So I can be proud when I see you on stage."

He imagined himself at front row clapping and cheering for Kurt on his opening night and he wished that he could proudly tell people that this was his boyfriend. He only let the thought briefly enter his brain before pushing it away, though. He had to remind himself that boyfriend-wise he was in no-mans-land and wasn't in a position to think like that.

He and Tina found a few movies and bought way more candy than they should have. They put on pajamas and snuggled up under a blanket on the couch so they could watch as many of their movies as possible.

Blaine kept checking his phone every fifteen minutes, but not so much as one, single text from Kurt. Sebastian on the other hand texted him every now and then to tell him about some new restaurant he wanted to take him to or a play he had tickets for.

When Blaine went to bed he had an uneasy feeling in his entire body. He couldn't understand why Kurt hadn't replied to his messages. He felt sick that Sebastian kept being so sweet to him and he simply took it all without even hinting him that something was wrong.

xXx

This night his classic nightmare had transformed into his worst yet. He was standing in front of two burning houses with a fireman suit on. Kurt was in one house, Sebastian in the other - but he only had enough oxygen to save one of them so he had to choose.

He woke up drenched in sweat and tears. He was shaking and disoriented, but instinctively fumbled for his phone to call Kurt and Sebastian to ask them if them if they were okay when it hit him that he would have to choose who to call first and the nightmare welled back in over him.

It was 5.30 and he didn't sleep for the rest of the morning. He still had no messages from Kurt, and he was stressed out over it even though he kept telling himself that he was busy. Still, he couldn't push away the feeling of something being off by the rock-hard silence.

He was tired and worn out. His nightmare had drained him of all energy so he felt even more spent than he had done when he went to bed the previous night. Fortunately he didn't have any work Sunday so he dedicated his day to lie lazy on he couch to watch TV he didn't pay any attention to.

It wasn't until around 3 he even bothered to get out of his pajamas. Tina was at work in the pub and she had called him panic. She needed her purse that she had forgot on her nightstand and as Mike was meeting with his brothers he couldn't save her. Thank God for her best friend slash roommate.

Blaine pulled on a pair of jeans and a polo before he left the apartment. He wasn't going to Sebastian's until 9.30 so he still had plenty of time to go home for showering and packing a bag for staying over - depending on how their talk about Kurt would evolve.

Blaine grabbed her purse and plugged in his earphones. He turned the volume up on his The Shins play list and headed for the train station. He decided to get off a station earlier than usual so he could get some fresh air and enjoy the sunshine after having spent the day inside.

He walked past a small street crowded with clubs, bars and theaters. Even though it was only afternoon the street was buzzing with life. Crowds of people were dancing around the sidewalk, talking, laughing and hugging.

Suddenly there was a familiar face in the crowd. A group of young people were standing in front of an old theater. Some of them were smoking cigarettes, others were embracing each other while everyone was talking loudly and laughing heartedly.

In the middle of the group was Kurt's dark haired friend standing. Her hand was locked with a tall guy's and she looked like she was waiting for people to finish what they were doing. She was shifting between tapping her foot and bouncing impatiently where she was standing.

And there was Kurt.

Kurt was standing next to her, and Blaine felt a suction growing from his stomach throughout his chest and up his throat. His insides were dancing and his heart was doing somersaults in his chest, so he decided to go over there to say hi. He wasn't planning on doing anything, he just wanted to say hello.

He worked himself up to start crossing the street. He could feel the excitement rush through his veins, and he knew that he had to restrain himself to not kiss him full on right in front of his friends, because his lips and tongue were aching to feel and taste Kurt.

Before he knew it the sun had turned to ice over him. It was covering his skin, digging through his nerves, muscles and bones to fill up every cell of his body.

Kurt's fingers were entwined with another guy's. A blonde stranger was holding around him to press their bodies close as their lips met, and their jaws started working in unison. In the middle of the street, in the crowd of Kurt's friends who all seemed like this was nothing out of the ordinary.

Blaine couldn't move. He was paralyzed in pain. Shooting through him like lightning. His eyes had turned dry and it was like sandpaper was dragged through his throat and lungs with every breath he drew. He wished that he didn't have to breathe anymore.

He wanted to look away from the painful sight but he couldn't draw his eyes off the way Kurt squeezed around the blonde's neck and smiled warmly at him as he pulled away, before they walked hand-in-hand into the theater followed by the rest of the group.

And the door was closed. Nothing but blackness was left for Blaine to see.

He wanted to run. Sprint until his legs would sting and eventually fall off and apart, but his feet felt like concrete when he tried to move. His phone vibrated in his pocket. A call, but he didn't know how to dig down to grab it. Instead he started walking - towards the pub.

He wanted to give Tina her purse and then get out. Away. Go home to swallow a bunch of painkillers that hopefully would knock him out long enough to sleep for a month. Or two. He just wanted the burning in his heart to go away.

xXx

"Dude, what happened? You look like you just saw a box of kittens being run over by a truck," Martin exclaimed as Blaine entered the pub.

Blaine didn't as much as look at him. He walked around the bar to go to the backroom where he knew that Tina was on her break. He pushed the door open with a little more force than planned but without caring that the handle slammed into the wall. He put her purse on the table in front of Tina without meeting her eyes and then he turned to leave.

He didn't get far because Tina locked her hand around his wrist and he knew that he had to come clean - so he did. He sat down and told her what he had seen, where he had seen it and when he had seen it. Everything.

He didn't cry. He didn't shed as much as a tear as he told her about it. How he had got off at the station, how he had been on his way to say hi to Kurt, how a movie-star-looking, blonde guy had kissed him, and how Kurt had returned the kiss only to look a him with gooey, love eyes.

Tina listened with Blaine's hand clenched between both of hers. She was upset for him and worried. She didn't say anything and Blaine didn't blame her - how was anyone ever supposed to have words after hearing his story?

"What are you gonna do now, then?" Tina asked carefully like she was afraid to hear the answer. Blaine knew that her biggest fear had been that Kurt would hurt him - and now he had kicked him apart piece by piece, making her fear a reality.

"I think I need a beer," Blaine muttered hopelessly and got to his feet.

He sat down at the bar and asked Martin to bring him a beer. The girls next to him kept sending him flirtatious looks and giggling at each other. He felt like screaming at them to look the other way, to leave him alone and throw his bottle after them, but he ignored them. He wasn't in the mood for playing around and he didn't care about anything. For a second he considered to just make out with one of them because the feeling of being with a girl could only be so much unlike being with Kurt that it would take his mind off him, but he simply swallowed down the rest of the beverage in his bottle and asked for another.

He had one more beer. And another. And one more. He kept drinking even though Tina asked him to go home and get some sleep instead. Martin said that she could leave her shift so she could help him home but he refused and they knew that pushing him would only make it worse, so there was nothing either of them could do.

The clock stroke 11.30 and he knew that he should have kept track of time. It was hours ago he should have been at Sebastian's place but he couldn't face him. Sebastian had called and texted him several times but he didn't want to answer him because he didn't want to let it all out on him - he had already treated him horribly enough as it was.

"Call a cab for me, would you?" Blaine declared abruptly. His eyes were swimming and his senses were out of control. He got off the barstool a little more clumsy than he had expected and Tina hurried around the bar to help him safely outside to wait for the cab to arrive.

"I can go with you. I'm gonna call Martin and say that I'm leaving too so you don't have to be alone," she offered softly.

"No. Stay. I can take care of myself. I'm a big boy, you know," Blaine objected and the cab pulled up in front of them. Tina stared worried at him for over a minute before she dragged him into a tight hug.

"I love you, Blaine. Call me if there's anything. I get off work soon," she said and helped him into the cab without too much fumbling around.

xXx

But Blaine didn't go home.

He was banging mindlessly at the door in front of him while swearing harshly under his breath. He knew that he was being way too loud for that time of the night, but he didn't have the self-control to be quiet.

"What the hell -" Sebastian snapped as he rushed the door open.

Before he could get another word out Blaine had flung himself to Sebastian's body with his fingers digging hard into his back as he started sobbing.

"Baby, what's going on? What happened?" Sebastian asked in a panicky voice. He pushed the door closed and folded both of his arms around Blaine's shaking frame.

"Are you drunk? How much did you drink? Blaine, talk to me," Sebastian tried again. His voice started shaking as he began to lead Blaine towards the living room, but Blaine nearly couldn't move.

"Do you love me? Tell me that you love me, please!" Blaine sobbed into his collarbone, his fingers now working their way under Sebastian's shirt. He needed to feel his skin, feel him closer.

"Yes. Yes, Blaine - I love you more than anything in the world. Baby, you are my everything," Sebastian assured him, but it only turned his sobs into hysterics because there was no doubt that he meant it - and Blaine didn't feel it back. He felt his tears and spit soak through the fabric of Sebastian's shirt and started pushing him towards the bedroom instead.

His mind was clogged up and without realizing it he had pressed his body against Sebastian's against the wall so he could force his tongue into his mouth while letting his palms forcefully up his chest under his shirt.

"Blaine, you're drunk. I don't think -" Sebastian started to nervously object, and Blaine knew that he was worried, but it was too much and he didn't care.

"Just fuck me and tell me that you love me. Please, just do it," he whined and bit hard down in Sebastian's lower lip before letting go so he could walk towards the bedroom with hasty steps.

There was silence behind him before he could hear Sebastian run after him in the hall. Blaine hurried under the covers and started to clumsily pull off his clothes, the faster the better.

When Sebastian entered the bedroom he stopped in the door, watching Blaine fumble his way around under the sheets. He slowly walked over to carefully sit down on the bed and put a soft hand on the fabric covering Blaine's naked knee.

"Blaine. I don't know what happened, but you're really drunk, and I don't -"

Blaine sat up on his knees in front of Sebastian. He was completely naked now, something Sebastian had never seen and he couldn't stop his eyes from hungrily eating up the sight of his boyfriend's body exposed to him so openly and welcoming.

He was done with waiting. Blaine let himself fall down forwards so Sebastian didn't have any other choice than to let him fall on top of him. Blaine's one hand were back under his shirt as he dragged it up so he could lick and suck his way over his nipple while he was working to get his pants open.

Sebastian gave into it and clasped his hands onto the sides of Blaine's face so he could kiss him forcefully with his tongue mapping out his mouth.

It only took Blaine a brief moment to have Sebastian's pants open. While he watched him getting rid off all of his clothes Blaine fell to lie on his back on the bedspread where he started pumping his hand around his hard cock while waiting for Sebastian's body to press close down on him.

"Fuck, you're amazing -" Sebastian moaned as he observed Blaine jerking himself off, and he let his hand down to grasp around his own shaft.

Blaine couldn't stand it any longer. This wasn't what he wanted, it wasn't what he needed - he just needed to feel Kurt.

No. Sebastian! Not Kurt!

He put both of his hands on Sebastian's hips and dragged him down to lie on top of him.

Blaine let his hands run wildly around his back and ass. He could still feel the alcohol pumping around his veins and brain but he had no time to be bothered about that.

"Just fuck me and tell me that you love. Show me, make me feel how hard you love," Blaine begged and didn't care how needy and pathetic he sounded. He had no self-respect left.

Sebastian looked worried down on him before he tried ducking down to kiss Blaine gently under him, but Blaine turned it powerful and Sebastian moved to make room for his hand to go between Blaine's legs.

"No. I just want you in me. I don't care about stretching or lube or anything, would you please just put your cock in me?" Blaine nearly demanded and his voice was shaking.

It was like a flame ignited inside Sebastian. Like he had been waiting for this moment but given up the hope that it would ever come, and now that it finally had anyway he was more ready than he had ever been for anything his entire life.

He crashed his lips against Blaine's so hard that their teeth collided. He let a hand flat down his chest where he angrily twisted one of Blaine's nipples, making him twitch and groan on the mattress, but he welcomed the pain. Physical pain was much better than the excruciating pain inside him.

Sebastian was pressing his head in Blaine's crack, but it wasn't enough so he sat up on his knees between Blaine's legs. He grabbed around Blaine's thighs and pulled him into his lap where he let his left hand down to separate Blaine's cheeks. He was jerking himself off against Blaine's entrance to lube him up with pre-come and Blaine wanted to scream at him to just do it, but he couldn't get a word out between his heavy breathing.

Sebastian started pushing into him. It was stinging and burning, making Blaine's fingers and toes curl up and disappear into the mattress under him. Sebastian was hard and his hole felt like it was about to explode from the lack of stretching, but when Sebastian didn't move it only pissed him off.

He fumbled around and got a hold of Sebastian's wrist. He dragged him forward so he could fall to lie down on top of Blaine instead. Blaine grabbed his face with both of his hands and stared firmly into his eyes.

"Just do it. I know you want," he panted, his voice like acid as it left his tongue.

Sebastian searched his eyes before he nodded insecurely and threw one hard thrust into him and tears started forming in Blaine's eyes. He let his hands down to lock around Sebastian's arms as he spread his legs wider, curling them around Sebastian's thighs.

"Fuck me hard," Blaine begged and Sebastian answered with one more thrust.

He slowly started thrusting faster but still harder and Blaine felt every muscle in his body tighten under him. He was moaning and groaning without giving a fuck about how looked or sounded. He just needed the pain.

He clasped his hands onto Sebastian's back so he fell down to crash onto Blaine's chest. He let his arms under Blaine's upper arms so he could lock his hands around his shoulders to press Blaine's ass down onto his bucking hips, making his dick go deeper into him.

"Yes. Harder. Tell me that you love me," Blaine pleaded and sobbed with his teeth boring into Sebastian's shoulders and tears down his cheeks.

"Shit Blaine - I love you. I… love you so much," Sebastian groaned while he pumped aggressively into his ass, the sound of flesh clasping against flesh nearly louder than the sound of their heavy breathing and groaning voices.

Blaine couldn't take it anymore. He knew that he would come any second from the way Sebastian kept hitting his prostate perfectly.

The more he tightened around Sebastian's cock, and the more Sebastian kept moaning how much he loved him, the more Blaine squeezed his eyes harder because all he could see was Kurt lying on top of him with his gentle hands on his body, and all he could hear echoing in his head was Kurt's silk voice weakly moaning in his ear as he was about to come inside of him and he didn't want that - he needed Kurt to leave his body!

"Harder! Just fuck me harder, dammit!" Blaine bellowed and his voice was rasp and deeper than he knew it could be.

"You're so fucking sexy. I love you so fucking much," Sebastian moaned heavily into his ear and that was all.

Blaine's muscles cramped up. His hole tightened faster around Sebastian's dick than he had ever tightened before, and he was afraid that he would make Sebastian's shoulder bleed from biting hard into his skin.

His hips were moving in heir own short spasms between them and come was spurting out to paint them both in white fluids while Sebastian let in his one last deep thrust and Blaine knew that he was done as well.

Sebastian flatted out on him. He didn't move, but stayed still with his cock in Blaine's ass and his hands locked around his shoulders.

Blaine turned his head away from him and let his sobbing reduce to quiet crying while silent tears kept streaming down his face.

Sebastian moved up to kiss his cheek, but Blaine didn't so much as move so he carefully pulled himself out of Blaine before lying down next to him.

"What was that? I mean don't get me wrong - I think that was the best ever, but…" Sebastian's voice was a little harsh when he tried to catch Blaine's eyes, but he only turned to lie on his side with his back on Sebastian.

He could feel his come uncomfortably bleeding out of his hole and his own sperm was drying up to a sticky paste on his abs and hip, but instead of cleaning himself off he curled up to cry into his pillow with his arms locked around his chest.

Sebastian put an arm around him from behind and laid so close that Blaine could feel his wet head on his sac but he didn't even flinch.

"Do you really think I don't love you? The only reason I never said it was because I thought you weren't ready for that, and I didn't want to make you feel that I pushed you. But I do - I love you so, so much," Sebastian cooed into his ear while placing kisses over his shoulder, his neck and into his hair.

"Please just hold me. I am so sorry," Blaine cried into his pillow and moved his back a little closer to Sebastian's chest.

"Alright," Sebastian sighed defeated and locked his arm around Blaine's waist where he let it drift up his torso to press flatly onto his chest.

"I just wish you would tell me what's wrong. Let me help you. Please just talk to me, love," Sebastian whispered and Blaine knew that he was crying as well - but Sebastian never cried. Blaine didn't think he had ever seen him cry.

All of his hate and self-loathing welled up inside of him and he felt a need to throw up. It was terrible what he had done out of his own egoistical reasons and there was no way he would ever be able to heal Sebastian when he found out the truth - because he would find out, because there was no way Blaine could live with it forever.