April 28, 2013, 10:36 a.m.
Hold Me and Sing a Lullaby: Chapter 10
E - Words: 8,399 - Last Updated: Apr 28, 2013 Story: In Progress - Chapters: 10/? - Created: Jan 19, 2013 - Updated: Apr 28, 2013 166 0 0 0 0
A/N: So hi everyone! I'm back! Classes got the best of me and other shenanigans ensued and next I knew, it had been two months! I am such an asshole and I'm sorry. Forgive me? I would like you to take notice of the amazing cover art the incomparable Lurida made for me as a lovely surprise. You are awesome and I just adore you. And for those reviewers who just begged me to let you know if I was continuing...thanks for that. Cleverboots- sending love your way too. I missed you!!! While I was away I didn't even look at the reviews because I knew that I was too caught up to do anything with this for a bit, but when I did I was just stunned. You are all so good to me. Onward now...please enjoy!
Kurt woke up abruptly to hear a crash in the main living area of the apartment. He was so confused. What time was it? He liked to think that as a resident of New York for the last ten years, he learned not to be easily spooked, but a crash in the middle of the night was never good. He realized then that the bed was empty. Where was Blaine?
He got up quickly, worried that something was very wrong. Looking around for a weapon, the best he could find was his vintage styled umbrella- it was long with a curved handle and seemed substantial enough. In his first place, he kept a baseball bat under his bed for just these scenarios, but since moving here he has felt nothing but safe. Clutching the umbrella as if it were actually a bat, Kurt slowly crept to the living room.
It was empty.
Peculiarly empty, like he just had a really efficient maid service come in. He distinctly remembered leaving the remnants of last nights Thai on the coffee table. Blaine's clothes were fully folded now; neatly like they had just come off of a store shelf. What the hell was going on? Feeling less scared of an intruder, a more ominous fear washed over him. Kurt was tiredly connecting the dots with what he knew of Blaine's mindset...he knew this had something to do with his boy. He crept into the kitchen slowly, cautiously.
And almost stepped on his husband crouched on the floor scrubbing the tiles like his life depended on it.
Looking around the brightly lit room, Kurt noticed that the kitchen was sparkling as well. Like yesterday morning, every surface gleamed. Kurt gently placed the umbrella down where he stood and studied Blaine who hadn't yet noticed him in his frenzy.
"Sweetheart? What's going on?" he asked softly.
Blaine looked up then and the glaze over his eyes was frightening. The boy started stuttering as he quickly doubled his furious efforts to clean what seemed to be an immaculate floor. Kurt could see that his hands were bright red and then noticed the steam coming from the water in the wash bucket beside the boy. As Kurt looked on, Blaine dipped the scrub brush into the bucket again to coat it in the soap...and was that bleach? The acrid scent of the chemical filled his nostrils as Kurt became more aware of his surroundings. He had no idea what to do here. He didn't know if Blaine was awake or asleep. Most people wouldn't even make that assessment with the scene before them, but Kurt knew that during the worst times in high school, he had woken up on the lawn or on the floor next to his fathers bed, not knowing how he got there. Was Blaine sleepwalking?
He tried to remember what his father learned about the ailment when he tried to help Kurt. Kurt knew that it was not a really good idea to wake him, but could he let him go on like this? Hurting himself? He couldn't. During the worst times, his father had just tried to keep him as safe as possible until something woke him up naturally, usually a loud noise. Wondering still if he was even right about the sleepwalking, Kurt called his husband's name again.
"Blaine? Are you ok?" Though the call didn't come out much louder, against the silence of the apartment Kurt felt like he was yelling.
At the tentative call, Blaine turned toward the sound with a look of anguish on his face. Kurt was shocked when he got up quickly and started toward him, apologizing profusely. Even though Blaine reached him quickly, Kurt couldn't help but notice that his eyes still looked lost and unfocused. Before he even had a second to dwell on that worry, Blaine was upon him. The boy threw his arms tightly around Kurt's neck and began to kiss him desperately. Kurt remained silently stunned as his mind jumped headlong from confusion to lust. All he could feel were those sweet lips upon his and Blaine's strong arms around his neck...until he finally snapped out of his stupor long enough to hear Blaine's fervent muttering.
"Please, I'm sorry...I should have done it. It should have been done. I'll make it up to you. Please don't be mad!" The desperate whine in his voice broke Kurt's heart. This felt all wrong. The kiss, the touch...this wasn't Blaine. What did he think Kurt was upset about?
Suddenly, Blaine dropped to his knees on the floor, slipping almost bonelesslythrough Kurt's grasp as he tried to catch him. Blaine reached for the waistband of Kurt's pants and started to frantically try to tug them down.
"Please Brett, I'll make it up to you. Don't be mad. I'll be so, so good, just let me fix this please!" He cried and Kurt could see tears seeping out of his eyes as he mouthed at Kurt's still responding cock through his thin pajama pants. Kurt stilled.
Brett? What the hell was going on?
Kurt felt a jolt of pleasure course through his body as Blaine lips found his now naked hipbone. His breath hitched as he firmly reached down and grasped one of Blaine's wrists in each hand. This action sent Blaine into a frenzy.
"No!" he cried out and the sound echoed through the apartment. "I'll do what ever you want! Don't do this again." his voice was sobbing. Broken.
Kurt understood fully what was going on now. The sleep walking nightmare Blaine was immersed in needed to stop. Stepping back swiftly, Kurt fell to his knees in front of the cowering boy.
Blaine seemed to sense his position and quickly climbed toward him, pushing Kurt onto his back so forcefully, his head smashed against the slate. The sharp pain from the hit dazed Kurt for a moment and the next thing he knew, Blaine was kissing every inch of his face and neck he could reach. Even over the throb of his head, Kurt couldn't help feeling aroused by Blaine ministrations. But it was so wrong. So forced. Blaine looked terrified. Touch didn't seem to rouse him so again, Kurt tried to call to his husband.
"Blaine! Baby! Wake up!" Kurt's voice was now the desperate one as he grabbed Blaine's face in his hands. Kurt hated to yell. Over the years, he had trained himself to speak in a certain tone even when angry, so he had to physically force himself to raise his voice louder each time.
"Blaine! Please!" he cried.
Blaine stilled. Kurt looked toward him nervously and was immeasurably thankful when he saw his eyes clear as consciousness returned to him.
"Kurt?" Blaine looked confused and scared as he spoke the one word question in a tiny voice.
"It's okay honey, you had a nightmare." Kurt soothed, trying his best to ignore the throb of his skull. He knew the skin must have broken upon impact.
"Oh God, what have I done?" Blaine squeaked as he surveyed the scene in horror.
Kurt reached up again and rubbed his thumbs across Blaine's cheeks.
"No, no baby. You didn't know. You were asleep." Kurt tried to persuade Blaine that he was okay as the boy clambered off his lap frightfully. Blaine sat on the floor where he fell in his haste and looked at Kurt as if expecting punishment...his eyes large and unsure like a cornered animal.
"I think you were sleepwalking babe, well...sleep cleaning. It's okay." Kurt tried to make light of the situation with a gentle smile as he sat up slowly. He was completely at a loss for words for this. How did he make it right? How did he get that look of pain off his beloved's face?
"I'm so sorry. Kurt I'm so s-sorry." Blaine looked down then at the place where Kurt's head formerly lay and saw the small smear of blood. "I h-hurt you! Oh God!" he said. His hand involuntarily rose to cover his mouth and Kurt noticed the bleach burns setting into his skin.
Kurt stood up and moved toward Blaine, needing to see if he was okay. He needed to get that bleach off his hands. The house was now permeated with the smell, he could only imagine how much was in that water. Kurt was at a loss again when every step he made toward Blaine was counteracted with the boy scooting away. Finally Kurt just stopped. This wasn't working. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate over the pain. He needed to make Blaine understand.
"Okay. Let me just say that I am not mad in the slightest. I am nothing but worried about you love, I need to make sure you're okay." Kurt reached back absently as he spoke to feel the slight split on his skull and was happy to feel that it was very minor. It stung, but it would be fine. Looking to his husband, he knew that out of the two of them, he would be the one to escape from this scenario predominantly unscathed. What worried Kurt the most in this minute were the lasting effects this setback might have on his boy.
Kurt hurriedly climbed to his feet and grasped the handle of the bucket, carrying it over to the empty kitchen sink. Glancing back at Blaine, still frozen in fright in the corner of the room, Kurt calmly rinsed the cleaning bucket out a few times before refilling it with cool, clear water. Grabbing a dish towel, Kurt slowly approached Blaine again.
"Okay love, you really hurt your hands tonight." he began cautiously. At Blaine's quick indrawn breath, Kurt hurried to continue.
"Oh baby, I know you didn't mean to. I'm not mad. Look at my face sweetheart. I just need to make sure you're not hurt." Blaine turned huge, wet eyes toward Kurt.
"Please. I'm sorry. How b-bad?" he began, darting his eyes in the direction of the top of Kurt's head before he quickly lost any semblance of composure, sobbing openly, bringing his hands to his face in shame.
"No!" Kurt yelled.
Blaine jumped and scooted back into the wall even further automatically, shielding his face with his forearms. In one moment, all emotion seemed to melt out of Blaine. The tears ceased, even his breathing transformed from deep hitching breaths to shallow, silent ones. Kurt was horrified that he yelled like that. It looked like it was causing Blaine physical pain to be so silent and unassuming, but it was like his body only knew one reaction to any type of yelling; cowering. Kurt tried to bring him back to the present with his pleas.
"Oh god, baby, I'm sorry I yelled. Y-you have bleach all over your hands. I don't want it in your eyes. I'm so sorry I startled you." Kurt reasoned desperately.
Kurt cautiously knelt down to Blaine's level before he reached forward and took the skittish boy's hand gently in his. Blaine seemed almost catatonic at this point. It was like he shut down completely. Kurt tried to get his attention again.
"Love, I need to rinse off your hands. That's what this bucket is for okay?" The older man gestured to the bucket beside them. Blaine kept his gaze on the ground now, still struggling to keep his breaths tiny and silent.
"I'm just going to dip your hand in the bucket. It needs to soak for a minute." Kurt explained in a hushed tone, still willing his husband to react in some way again. He reached gently for the other hand and placed it in the bucket. This hand was the most effected it seemed, being Blaine's right, and the cool water caused the broken boy to flinch violently before his survival instincts quieted him once again.
"Just for a minute, okay love? Just let them soak for a minute." Kurt's voice became shaken as Blaine's silence continued. He was mentally berating himself. God. He could have, he should have handled this situation so much better.
While Blaine's hands soaked in the cool water, Kurt sat down on the floor and sadly observed his love. The boy sat still as if shocked, as if he was afraid of the reaction to any move he might make. It killed Kurt completely. Kurt mentally willed him to just be okay. When the longest minute of his life was up, Kurt removed the almost slack hands from the liquid and began to meticulously dry each finger with the towel. He stared at the small, but strong looking hands in his loose grip and tried to decide how to proceed, what to do. He was at a loss. He had never seen Blaine like this, even after all they'd been through.
Kurt decided that all he could do was be honest here- give anything that he could in hopes that Blaine would come back to him. He began to lightly run his fingertips over the scarred and calloused flesh in his hands.
Blaine studied the random veining on the slate tile, focused but...not. His mind was in a dark place. Memories flitted through his tired system and it was so hard to even tell what was real and what was not at that moment. His whole system screamed at him to just stay safe, stay quiet. He hadn't felt like this in a long time but his body knew what to do. His body knew how to protect itself instinctually, even after so long. But something felt wrong here. His body's reaction felt wrong. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on the room around him, tried to ignore the scary vignettes of his past looming over him. The first thing he became truly aware of were the touches, feather light and hesitant against his fingers.
With every minute circle drawn on his skin, he felt himself start to resurface. With every sweep of that silky, soft skin against his, he began to notice his surroundings again. With the recognition came the pain and shame again at his actions. Helpless to stop it, Blaine felt a tiny whimper cross his lips.
At once, the caresses on his fingertips ceased and his face was encased in those soft, cool hands.
"Oh sweetheart, thank you for coming back to me." Kurt's sweet, fervent voice echoed across the silent kitchen. He felt his face being lifted and the silky fingers were now running lovingly across his damp cheeks. His mind processed the soothing tone of Kurt's voice and his body relaxed, sensing no anger there. But Blaine was still shamed, still nervous. He thought back to that smear of blood on the floor and berated himself for the fact that his crazy caused Kurt to get injured.
"Please, love. Please open your eyes for me." Kurt begged. Blaine was unable to ignore such a plea and his eyelids quickly fluttered open. The first sight he was gifted with was the beautiful, but concerned face of his husband. His blue eyes glittered with tears as they seemingly searched Blaine's. Blaine kept his gaze open to Kurt because that was all he felt he could do.
After a short assessment, Blaine saw Kurt's eyes soften and his countenance relax.
"Blaine, baby, it has been such a rough night. What do you say we head back to bed. Do you feel okay with that?" he asked softy.
"P-please Kurt." Blaine's voice felt foreign to him. What time was it? How long had this gone on? The questions made him shiver involuntarily as he felt himself be led back to the bedroom. Kurt gently ushered him to his side of the bed and smoothed his hair away from his face. With a small smile, Kurt retreated, going to the end of the bed instead of to the other side to lay down.
Blaine looked on in confusion as Kurt pulled a black lacquered bench from the end of the bed all the way to the door. Blaine confusion increased as Kurt pushed the bench against the door tightly, now gasping with exertion of moving the heavy object.
Confusion turned to embarrassment however, when Blaine realized that Kurt was just trying to protect him from further issues tonight.
Kurt looked up the moment that Blaine turned his eyes away as his cheeks reddened.
"Don't worry sweetheart, I'm just trying to keep you safe. It's what my dad used to do when I would sleepwalk." Kurt stated simply while heading in the direction of the bed. Blaine was surprised. Kurt used to sleepwalk?
"Has that ever happened to you before?" Kurt asked. His husband sounded so tired, but concerned as he snuggled into his side of the bed with a barely concealed yawn.
Blaine felt bad that his husband was so tired and yet again, he had to do something to make their lives difficult. After a moment, he remembered that Kurt had posed a question.
"No, I don't think so." he said uncertainly. Would he even know if he sleepwalked?
"Okay, well we will talk about this more tomorrow if that's alright with you, if you're ready then. Right now, I just want to hold you and get back to sleep. Can I hold you love?" his husband looked nervous, like Blaine would say no when Kurt was offering something so wonderful.
"P-please." he whispered.
Blaine heard the rustle of the sheets as Kurt got comfortable in their bed. After a moment, he felt Kurt's strong arms wrap around him, gripping him tightly, securely. Blaine felt the last dregs of fear leave his body with the embrace and he sagged bonelessly back against Kurt. His husband must have noticed the change because he heard a light chuckle come from behind him and felt the softly expelled breath from the action on his neck. That soft breath transformed to light kiss before he heard a whispered wish of good night followed by a quietly reverent declaration of love.
Blaine smiled softly as he heard his husband's breath even out with sleep. He lay there for a while, reveling in the soft snuffling of his husband in sleep. He closed his eyes and nuzzled against Kurt's arm. Blaine was tired. He was so tired, but sleep just wouldn't come.
Hours passed, and with the passing of time came the thoughts. Blaine was scared to sleep walk again. He was scared to sleep and dream again of his old life. He used to be resigned to it, but now he felt like his only power against it was staying awake. In those long hours before dawn, Blaine went in the same circles he always went in since he met the beautiful man sleeping at his side. He loved Kurt, needed him even, but he didn't deserve him. Kurt deserved someone whole who could care for him, instead of the other way around.
As Blaine watched the sun rise in the artfully shaded window he thought about his life so far. He had nothing to offer. If only he could have met Kurt when he was carefree, before everything came crashing down. He felt like maybe that boy deserved Kurt. Not him.
He knew Kurt had to work today and another wave of shame crested over him at the thought of robbing Kurt of much needed rest. Finally, as it become fully light, Blaine resolved to just stay out of Kurt's way that day.
A soft chime came from Kurt's bedside table and Blaine saw the name 'Satan' flash on the screen of the iPhone placed there. Remembering Kurt's nickname for Santana, Blaine looked at the little device curiously. It looked like a text message.
Hummel- sorry to text you so soon, but my baby is so excited, she wants to know the plan for today ASAP. I hope this wakes you up so I can finally promise her that yes, Blaine is coming over and no, people will not eat her invitations.
Blaine smiled softly at the relay of his sweet friend's antics. The text solidified his plan as he pressed the button to open the phone.
Blaine looked at the device, puzzling for a few moments to figure out how to make it do what he wanted. Finally, noticing the small icon in the bottom row that looked like a tiny telephone book, he found Kurt's list of contacts. Feeling intrusive, he quickly thumbed through the list until he found the listing for Satan. Pressing the listing, he was surprised to see the phone screen change and hurried to put it to his ear while running to the bathroom so he wouldn't wake Kurt.
"Wow, lady face, you're up early. I wonder why?" Santana's smooth voice questioned in mock surprise.
"U-um, it's Blaine...I-is Brittany there?" Blaine asked meekly. He was still nervous around Santana. Especially after the fool he made of himself the other night.
"Sure, honey. I'll get her. Are you okay?" she questioned softly. Blaine was surprised that her voice held none of the usual snark he heard when she talked to Kurt.
"Yes, I'm okay." Blaine answered automatically.
This answer must have satisfied the girl because he heard some rustling on the other end of the line followed by a squeal.
"Blainey?" Brit shrilled into the phone.
Blaine chuckled softly.
"Yes it's me."
"Are you calling because you're coming over today? I was getting so worried because I hadnt heard from you yet."
"Brit, do you realize it's barely six am? No one's even awake right now."
"Huh, no wonder Santana told me to go back to sleep a few hours ago. I just thought maybe we had slept through an entire day and it was just night again...but then it started getting light out really fast and I was really confused.."
"Brit!" Blaine interrupted his friends dreamy musing.
"Hmm?" she answered.
"C-can you come get me?" Blaine voice retreated again to an unassuming squeak by the end of his question. He continued in a near whisper. "Brit, I really messed up last night and I just don't want to be in Kurt's way today. Can you come get me soon?"
"Yeah Blainey. We will come right now, okay?" Brit's excitement turned to concern at her friends tone.
"Okay. See you soon."
Kurt awoke the next morning sore and aching. He rolled over into his pillow and reached for Blaine, trying to ignore the faint throbbing on the back of his skull. Like too many times before, his husband's side of the bed was empty and cold. Looking toward the door, Kurt saw the bench was pushed away at an angle allowing just enough room for a small body to squeeze through. At the sight, Kurt was up like a shot, berating himself if he slept through another episode of Blaine sleepwalking.
Rushing to the kitchen, Kurt was shocked to see not Blaine, but Santana sitting at his kitchen table.
"Morning Hummel." she said tiredly while sipping a cup of coffee.
"What's going on? Where's Blaine?" he asked skeptically.
"I feel like I should be asking the same thing. Your boy called Brit this morning asking to be picked up. When we got here, he looked horrible and couldn't even look me in the eye. I sent them to my house alone because that boy just looked like he needed a friend." She finished recounting the mornings events and looked to Kurt with questioning eyes.
Kurt sat down at the table and resignedly filled her in on the events of the night before.
"Oh, so that's what he meant by he messed up." Santana mused.
"What? Why do you think he left? I thought it was okay when we went to bed."
"Did your boy go to sleep Hummel? He looked dead on his feet today." she remarked.
Kurt thought back to the night before. Blaine was facing away when Kurt fell asleep, so the man couldn't be sure.
"No. Probably not. Oh my god, my poor baby. Is he okay with Brit?"
Santana gave her friend a withering look.
"Listen, I think you should call Mercedes." Santana said in a concerned voice.
"Oh my god! Why didn't I think of that! You are amazing!" Kurt was so excited to have some sort of direction for this issue. He hated feeling so lost and without Blaine, he was exactly that.
"Blainey, let's take a break. I'm tired. Can we snuggle?" Brittany asked in a her trademark childish voice.
"I would really love that Brit. I'm sorry I'm not much fun, I'm just tired today." Blaine felt dejected. He put down the noodle he was currently dying and went to the sink to wash his hands. The water was harsh on the burns but Blaine just reveled in the pain. He felt like he deserved it for all he did.
"Are you ready to tell me why you're so sad today, Blainey?"
This is why Blaine loved Brit so much. She never forced or pushed him.
"I don't know Brit. I am just so sick of being the needy one with Kurt. Last night I don't even know what happened but before I knew it, I was waking up I the kitchen with burns on my hands and Kurt got hurt. I can't believe I hurt him Brit. I'm so messed up!" Blaine was really so tired that even that small question broke him. He still couldn't fathom the the idea that he was responsible for hurting his husband.
Brittany walked over to the lush sofa situated in the room and lay down. Getting comfortable, she beckoned to Blaine with a few waves of her hand.
"It's definitely your turn today Blainey. Come on. Snuggle up." Brit might be simple in some ways, but she was so mothering that is was impossible not to feel safe in her arms.
"I just want to be better, normal. How can I even try to control it if now, it's happening in my sleep?" Blaine asked despondently as he he nuzzled into the thick sweater she was wearing.
"Maybe your body is telling you something. I always listen to my body. It tells me when I'm hungry. When I want Santana to have sex with me..."
"Okay, Brit!" He cut off his friend before that went any farther. After the brief amusement at that statement his mind went right back to solemnity. "I don't know. Maybe. I just want Kurt to keep loving me. I just worry that if I keep needing so much he is going to get tired of me and I can't lose him."
"Wait, he loves you? Well than the answer is simple." Brittany had a smile in her voice like she just discovered the plan for world peace. Blaine smiled at that thought because if anyone could do that it would be his friend. He turned slightly in her arms to look at her and he was warmed by the sweetness in her eyes. She held their gaze as she answered.
"Blainey, if there is anything I know, it's that love is there forever. If someone loves you, you are free because love is everything. Kurt just doesn't love your pretty eyes or the fact that you can keep a house clean. He loves that even though sometimes you get sad he can help and those pretty eyes will light up like they are now." Her loving gaze, coupled with her beautiful revelation brought tears to Blaine's eyes.
"You think so?" Blaine asked in a tiny voice.
"Yup. I know that's true." Brits voice trailed of and then suddenly her eyebrows were scrunching together in concentration.
"What is it, Brit?" Blaine asked. The look on her face made him nervous for some reason.
"I just realized I was wrong before." She looked at him with eyebrows still furrowed.
"About love?" Blaine asked quietly.
"No silly. About you and Kurt being dolphins." At Blaine's apparent look of confusion, she shook her head slightly and began to explain as if the statement was completely logical instead of the other way around.
"Tana let me choose the show we watched last night and so I chose Animal Planet because I miss Lord Tubbington, and the show was about the mating habits of animals. Dolphins are crazy and there is no way that you or Kurtie are dolphins. Hmm. If not, then what are you?" Brittany turned to him then and seemed to appraise him with her eyes. He noticed himself unconsciously straightening up for the assessment and smiled at the ridiculousness of it all before he recalled something else the girl said.
"Kurtie?" Blaine said with amusement.
"Um, yeah. That's what Tana calls him behind his back and I like it. It sounds like Blainey. Anyway, I think you could either be wolves or penguins. I can't decide, so I'll let you choose. Which one?" The craziness of this conversation was getting out of hand so Blaine sat up from his friend's arms and looked down at her. He realized then that he felt so much better. Brittany was amazing. His friend was still looking to him for an answer from her spot on the couch so Blaine mulled over his choices. Brittany looked satisfied that he was taking this seriously so she waited. Blaine smiled again at the crazy and after remembering how cute and sweet penguins were, he made his choice.
"I choose penguins." he said resolutely.
"Perfect!" she reached down in happiness and kissed his cheek.
Kurt felt really lost. Santana left the house a while ago to go back to hers and now he was alone. With his thoughts. Kurt hated that the plan he came up with before was already ruined. It had been going so well, but after talking with Santana he realized that maybe the issues were worse than even he knew. Santana convinced him to call their friend Mercedes who was a guidance counselor at a high school in LA. She and their other friend Sam moved out there after high school and after not making it big quick enough, she decided to go back to school. Kurt thought back to his high school guidance counselor, Miss Pillsbury, and how useless she really was when actual mental health issues were involved but he knew Mercedes wasn't like that. Mercedes would know what to do.
Happy with his new plan he decided to follow Santana's other advice and go to work to give Blaine some time with Brittany. He hated to do this. His first instinct was to grab the boy in his arms and never let go, but he knew in his heart that Blaine could probably use some time to himself. After getting showered and dressed, Kurt took a cab to his office space, not bothering to call the car service. Once there, he got out his sketch books, sat as his desk and tried to work a bit.
The new play that had been pitched to the production company he often worked with was a stage version of the movie "For the Boys". When Kurt heard about this prospect he was so excited because he could just see how his modern take on set design could translate to a musical that took place in such a large time span. Kurt knew it was going to be such a challenge to come up with a cost effective set for this one, but he was up for it. Atleast he was...before his mind became totally occupied and he fell in love with a boy with deep hazel eyes and a sad smile. Knowing he would never get anything done, Kurt finally decided to call Mercedes, hoping she wasn't with a student because he couldn't wait until the end of the work day.
As soon as he dialed, he looked at the clock realizing that he didn't even think about the time difference. Luckily, a quick glance told him it was eleven in the morning, making it eight there. After a few rings, the smooth voice of his friend came to the line.
"Hey Boo!"
"Hey 'Cedes! How are you!" he said happily, he forgot with the time and distance how much he loved hearing from one of his closest friends.
"I'm well baby, but what I want to know is how married life is treating you!" she said excitedly.
Kurt was surprised that she knew, but thankful that he didn't have to explain everything that had occurred in the whirlwind week before he could get down to business.
"It's going well, but that's why I called you. I need advice...but how did you find out?" he asked.
"Oh I just got of the phone with Santana who filled me in on a lot."
"What? Isn't it like eight there? When did she call?" He asked incredulously, feeling bad that she was probably put out but also,warmed at Santana's constant willingness to look out for him.
"Probably an hour ago, but don't worry. That girl never cares when she calls. Once she called at like four am and when I complained, she called me chocolate thunder and told me to move if I didn't like it. Needless to say I hung up on her that day and felt vindicated, but today I knew her motivations were pure. So tell me about your man." She said softly. Kurt knew in that moment why she had to be good at her profession. That demand, given so patiently and kindly, made him want to tell her everything.
He filled her in on the events since he met his husband and when he finished, his was practically in tears with worry.
"Oh sweetheart, you've had a rough time of it, haven't you?" she asked sweetly.
"I just want to help him 'Cedes, and love him as long as he'll let me." He said truthfully.
"I'm so happy for you Kurt, you have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to find a love like this. You are so amazing. Now sappiness that I can't hold in aside, let's talk about your boy. I think he most likely has PTSD."
"Like what soldiers get after a war?" He asked, trying to understand with only one undergraduate level psych 101 class under his belt.
"Um, yeah. Kind of. Any kind of trauma can cause post traumatic stress disorder. War, death, abuse. As a rule, humans face this kind of trauma everyday, but sometimes the effects are more lasting than others, especially if the trauma is this severe." she said gently.
"What can I do? And why is it getting worse?" he asked desperately.
"Well, there are a few things. There are formal therapies I can recommend- maybe I can even look up some resources for you to get him help. Like in recent years something called eye movement desensitization and reprocessing or EMDR follows the theory that the body usually uses sleep to regroup and process things so the therapy involves working though the trauma while a therapist helps the patient simulate rapid eye movement. Maybe even a medication might work for your boy, who knows- but why it's getting worse? All I can say is that PTSD episodes are usually caused by triggers. It seems like his reaction to your shopping day was maybe about his feelings of being undeserving of such things. Maybe his ex-husband used to do things like that so Blaine would have to pay him back in ways we both can't stand to think about." She finished knowledgeably.
Kurt was stunned. He was happy to have a direction, a diagnosis, but he couldn't get past the fact that this most recent episode was entirely his fault.
"Why did I do that?" he asked more to himself, but his friend answered him.
"Oh no, white boy. You do not get to internalize this." she admonished.
What? Kurt thought to himself. It was kind of amusing to talk with the therapist side of Mercedes. At his silence, the girl continued.
"What I mean is, you don't get to blame yourself for this stuff. A trigger can be anything. A smell, a song. Even the victims of PTSD don't know all of their triggers. I worked with this one girl down here who was in a brutal relationship for years and was recovering, when one day, a telemarketer called her house and he sounded like her ex-boyfriends father. She was practically catatonic for weeks, and had to stay in my office for school hours. It could be anything, so don't blame yourself, baby." she explained.
"Is there anything I can do informally now?" He asked.
"Well, the best things to do are to constantly reaffirm his safety and security. Also, what happened to his violin? You said he used to play, but didn't mention it since you got back home." she questioned
"I really don't know. He had it at the center, but when we left, he didn't bring it. I thought it was his, but maybe not?" he mused.
"Hmm, because when you mentioned it I figured that was how he was able to make it at the center without any formal therapy for the last year. Besides the basic need for human survival keeping him alive, I bet that playing that instrument was a kind of unintentional self therapy on his part. Music is a very powerful thing I always say."
"You think that would help? I'll go get him one right now. What about other instruments? I'll get him everything if it wil help." Kurt said excitedly. He would do anything for his love.
"Oh, you are so beautifully in love." She said wistfully and Kurt smiled as she continued.
"I think it would be great to get him a violin, but also tough because I don't want him to feel like he owes you even more... Can you think of a way to get one without paying too much or something?" She asked.
At that moment an idea came to Kurt and he was excited to see if it would work out.
"Yeah. I think I can." He said, happier than he was the whole day.
"Okay, baby. Then I say do it! But don't go crazy! I know how you are with people you love." she laughed softly. "But I have to say, above all, with PTSD sufferers, usually the thing that helps them the most is an internal revelation. Something to empower themselves. Like that one girl, she graduated this year and she was so much better when she left these halls. When it was graduation day, she pulled me aside and said that she came to a realization. She said she thought about the worse case scenario, and for that case it would literally be her ex-boyfriend finding her and killing her because it was that bad, but she said she thought about that and decided she wouldn't let her fear rule her anymore. She came to terms with all of her fears and felt empowered. Someday your boy will do that too." The memory of the student seemed to effect Mercedes because Kurt could hear her voice roughen with tears.
"Oh 'Cedes. I can't wait to see you. You are so amazing." Kurt said lovingly. He thanked his friend then and after making plans to see each other at the wedding, they hung up.
Ideas rapidly coursed through his mind and before he started on his work, he decided to make just one more phone call. Taking the business card out of his wallet, he called a man he hoped could help him. After a few rings, a smooth voice he only heard once before picked up.
"Hello?" it said.
"Hi, um..is this David?" Kurt asked in an unsure tone.
"Yes. May I ask who's calling?" The polite voice answered.
"It's Kurt, from yesterday. I don't know if you remember me..." Kurt started to explain.
"Hey, I absolutely do! So glad you called! How's the violin prodigy doing!" He asked in such a friendly tone that Kurt couldn't help but adore the man.
"Oh, he's amazing. And he's actually the reason I called. So I noticed from your business card you play in an orchestra...and I was wondering...what happens when the instruments are too worn out to play well anymore?" Kurt waited with baited breath for his answer. He remembered on set there were sometimes piles of instruments that looked old and worn out, set to be sent somewhere. He knew that Broadway people valued music far too much to just dispose of instruments so he was hoping the man could solve that mystery for him.
"Oh, sure. Well, our company donates them to schools with low arts budgets. A charity organization pays for them to be refurbished and used by students in need. Why do you ask?" he wondered.
"Oh." Kurt was kind of disappointed. "It's Blaine. He won't let me get him a violin. But I just know that having an instrument again would mean a lot to him. I was hoping there was another way. Not that I don't have the money to pay for one, but he just wouldn't be okay with that." Kurt felt a little like the wind was taken out of his sails. No matter what, he would never want to take away from children in need. He would need another plan.
"Well, that's easy. Have him try out for my company. He'll get in and get a violin." Kurt could hear the smile in David's voice and was astonished that the man thought his husband was that good. He knew to his ears, Blaine's playing was exquisite, but it was another thing coming from an expert.
"You really have that much faith in his abilities?" Kurt asked in an amused tone. He really liked David.
"Absolutely. He's amazing. I'd be proud to work with him." David said simply.
"I don't know if he's...ready for that but I'll keep it in mind." Kurt didn't want to get into Blaine's story with a stranger, but he couldn't help the feeling that David would be amazing for Blaine.
"Listen, I know you don't know me well, but your husband really touched me yesterday. I have a practice violin that is in shambles. Seriously, I don't even use it anymore because it really needs a refurbishment. What do you say? Do you think Blaine can fix it? If so, it's yours."
Kurt was astonished. He just couldn't accept the offer though as amazing as it was.
"Oh I couldn't. Maybe I could buy it from you?" He mused.
"Um, wouldn't that defeat the purpose? Besides, this instrument really needs some love. I couldn't take money for it." The man asked amusedly.
"Gof that would be perfect but..." Kurt thought for a moment and continued. "What's the name of that charity you were talking about? Maybe in return I can donate in your name? It would make me feels so much better to be able to do something like that."
David told him the name and Kurt resolved to donate enough for quite a few violins. The pair made plans for Kurt to pick up the instrument later on when he was done working and David was done with rehearsal. They chatted for a while about work and life, and David was astonished when he realized who he was speaking to.
"I can't believe you're Kurt Hummel. You're rework of the Phantom set was amazing. I was incredulous when I heard that was happening because it is such a beloved show and I never thought that would fly on Broadway. But you did it. I, sir, bow to you." He said formally.
Kurt laughed and they discussed the current show he was planning to pitch for. It turned out David and many other members of his orchestra were going to try to be part of that show as well and Kurt looked forward to potentially working with the man. Finalizing their plans for later, the two hung up their call and Kurt finally set to do what he came to his office for. Come up with a design for the play.
As he looked over the script and the score, he was amazed beauty of the entire concept of long lasting love of friends, or as Kurt believed, much more than friends, through so many obstacles. Even though in the story Dixie and Eddie fought, the love they had for each other was beautiful. And the score! Kurt drooled to think how these songs were going to translate to the stage. He knew he had to be part of this. Pulling up some the soundtrack of the movie on iTunes, he played the music in the background for inspiration.
Kurt was so engrossed in his work, he lost track of time and before he knew it, the windows were darkening and he was going to be late to meet David. Turning off the iPhone, Kurt couldn't help but sing one verse of the beautiful song that currently played. It reminded him so much of his feelings for Blaine that he continued to hum even as he walked out the door.
Blaine had such a long day with Brit and he missed his husband. Despite his conversation with his friend earlier, he still felt like he needed to change for the man and atleast make amends for last night. He looked up and noticed Santana texting on the phone with someone as she unwrapped the Chinese takeout she ordered for dinner. She turned to him.
"That was Kurt, he's planning to be here in about an hour." She said.
"Okay." Blaine answered meekly. He still felt a bit off with the strong woman today.
The group sat down to eat and Blaine tried to do his best for Kurt with dinner, but still ate just a small portion. Brit held his hand throughout dinner and he was comforted. As the night went on, Blaine kept getting antsy in wait for his husband to come. He was nervous to see him again after leaving so abruptly this morning, but so sad to be without him. He was a mess. Finally, Brit demanded more snuggles when she sensed his mood and Santana okayed them crawling in to bed together to watch a movie.
The next thing Blaine knew, he was alone and the door was opening slowly. He heard someone softly walk over to the bed and sit down on the edge. The comforting scent of his husband wafted over him and the nerves returned along with the warmth. Blaine opened his mouth to say something. To apologize...anything, but before he could a soft, sweet song permeated the air.
"I'm gonna love you, like nobody loves you come rain or come shine. High as a mountain, deep as a river, come rain or come shine." Kurt's beautiful voice was like a balm and the meaning of the song tore at Blaine's heart, bringing tears to his eyes again.
"And I guess when you met me, it was just one of those things. But don't ever bet me,'cause I'm gonna be true if you let me, let me." Kurt sang softly, the sound moving closer. Blaine subconsciously moved toward him as well.
"Days may be cloudy or sunny. We're in or we're out of the money. But I'm with you always. I'm with you rain or shine." At that moment, Kurt's arms found Blaine and wrapped around his waist. At first the boy stiffened at the touch, but the soft timbre of Kurts voice singing the unconventional lullaby soothed him into resting back against his husband's embrace.
"Days may be cloudy or sunny. We're in or we're out of the money. But I'm with you always. I'm with you rain or shine. Rain or shine." Kurt finished in a whisper, placing a gentle kiss on Blaine's shoulder to punctuate the ending.
Blaine felt like a ball of nerves. This man is so perfect was all he could think as tears of fear, joy, and every emotion in between trickled down his face. Blaine knew then that what Brittany said was right.
"Kurt." He wished his voice wasn't so quiet and broken with tears at that moment. He had something important to say and he cursed his weakness yet again. He turned over and saw his husband for the first time since this morning. The man was so gorgeous and perfect and Blaine knew he didn't deserve him but Brit said love was simple. Love was what could set you free. He wanted to feel free. He flicked his eyes up to Kurt's which were still so bright and sparkling even in the low light. He made himself hold the gaze while Kurt answered, taking the time to gather his courage.
"Oh sweetheart. I missed you so much today..." Kurt started to say but Blaine couldn't wait any longer. He had to say it right now before he lost his nerve.
"I love you." He whispered.
The reaction was instantaneous. Kurt's eyes grew in astonishment and started to shine even more brightly with tears.
"Oh God. Baby. I love you too." He answered in a choked up voice. They just stared into eachotheres eyes for a moment, reveling in their love until Kurt's eyes flicked down to Blaine's lips.
"Can I?" He asked softly.
"Please." Blaine wanted nothing more in that moment. As their lips met his body melted. The kiss was sweet and chaste, but so deep in that both men knew who held their hearts now.
The moment was ruined, however, when the pair heard giggling from the door.
"Damn that Hummel is good. Do you want me to sing to you too baby?" Came a muffled voice. "Oh Brit, my little baby penguin is growing up."
"I knew it!" Came the excited reply. "He really is a penguin,,huh? They're perfect for each other because Blainey chose that over being a wolf when we talked about it earlier."
"Oh baby." Santana said indulgently. "Wait, did you say wolf? I just realized something."
A rapid knock on the door made both boys jump.
"Hummel! Come out here and stop making out on my bed!" She said jovially. Blaine's cheeks reddened at the accurate accusation and Kurt placed his hand over the warmth.
"C'mon love. Let's go home."
End Note: So the song sang here was "Come rain or come shine" by Harold Arlen and Johnny Mercer. You'll find I have very eclectic taste in music so the stuff I use for the fic will be all over the map- but this song is from the "For the Boys" soundtrack. Again...thanks for your loyalty and goodness. Please review if you feel I deserve it :)