Chapter 11

Kurt was beginning to fidget again. It s been two weeks since kurt last cut and he craved the Blade...

He wasn't giving in this time. nope! No sir, would he let his addiction get the better of him. He was in control of his body. The only reason he was doing this was for Blaine. Personally he didn't care. He couldn't let Blaine down again. Kurt however couldn't keep his eyes off the kitchen knifes in the kitchen. They looked perfect and Burt just sharpened them a week ago-No. He needed to stop. Kurt got up and ran into the living room were Blaine was watching tv.

 "Hi honey, what's up?" Blaine said giving his boyfriend a warm smile. 

"I'm going to cut again if someone doesn't stop me. Please help me." Kurt said weakly.

Blaine patted his lap signaling Kurt to sit down. "You can do this baby. I believe on you. Watch Tv with me it may distract the urge. I'm so proud of you that you came to me. Before you just would have cut. Look how much you've improved!"

~o0o~

An hour later The need to tear into his skin was nearly unbearable. His fingers traced the scars, occasionally pushing down to scrape his nails against the irritated porcelain. He found a nearly healed slice, and tried his best to rip into it, reopen it, make it hurt again. See red again. He wanted it to be ruined again.

"Stop." Kurt whipped his head up, to see Blaine awake and staring at him, tears in his eyes.

"I can't." He said, his voice strangled.

Once again, he tried to scrape his skin as hard as he could. His fingernails raked against the raised cuts, sparking that amazing pain once again.

Blaine's hand shot out and grabbed his, ripping it away from his arm. He looked up to see Blaine's brown eyes staring at him harshly."Yes you can." He said, gesturing to their hands.

Blaine tried to intertwine their fingers, but Kurt balled his fist.

"I don't want to." He whispered.

Blaine grabbed his arm, and pushed down his sleeve, exposing the hundreds of scars. Kurt watched as he inspected the skin. His eyelashes became an umbrella over his eyes, blocking Kurt from seeing what he was thinking.

Blaine's fingertips ghosted across the marked skin of this forearm, both lovingly warm and shockingly cold at the same time. His thumb brushed the newest ones with care, and pushed against the old white scars with controlled pressure.

Kurt didn't move, as he was frozen. He didn't know why. But he was mesmerized watching his boyfriend see him like this. There was no guard. No quick covering of his secrets. He was just...open. And for some reason, he was strangely okay with it.

"I can't stop." He told him. It was the truth. He needed the skin to be marred, because if it wasn't, nothing would be okay.

"Yes you can." Blaine said simply.

Kurt snorted angrily. "You know, you keep saying that, but you do realize that if I wanted to, I could cut again. It's my decision."

"I won't let you." Blaine told him. His fingers disappeared from Kurt's wrist, it feeling cold without the contact.

Kurt sat up, turning away from his boyfriend. His legs dangled over the edge of the bed, and his chin rested on his chest.

"You need to stop this Blaine. You can't solve the whole world's problems. You can't just control me. This is my personal wreck. Stay out of it." Kurt nearly growled.

"Kurt, what are you-"

"Why? Just...why do you insist on helping me? Is it because you feel like it's your job? Cause it's not! Or is it cause you want some accomplishment? Or, I mean, is it because you want me to be normal?" Kurt asked, his breathing speeding up.

He knew from experience that he was going to have a panic attack, and soon. But unfortunately, he was too anxious to stop it in its tracks.

"Honey, relax. Please just relax." Blaine coaxed, but it was too late.

His breath came out in short huffs, and he felt his heart beat out of control. His hands shook against his legs, and he realized he was crying.

Somehow, he had no idea why, Blaine caught on. He took his shoulder and lay him back on the bed. He was too caught up in his attack to fight him.

He was hyperventilating now, his tears splashing against the pillow.

Blaine wrapped around him. Legs, arms, everything. He pressed small kisses to Kurt's hair, cooing small words of relaxation.

He didn't want this. To feel so broken. To be so broken.

"Shhh. Relax. Deep breaths." Blaine coached.

Why did he have to be so stupid all the time? He was going to drive Blaine away.

"Come on Kurt, just breathe. Focus on that."

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Gradually, his heart began to slow with his breathing.

"Almost there, listen to my breathing. Match it." Blaine told him.
Needing oxygen, he complied. When Blaine's breath his forehead lightly, he let his own slip out.

When he had calmed, at least for the most part, he nervously met Blaine's eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He whimpered, burying himself in the other boy's chest.

Blaine rubbed his back, kissing his hair once more with feathery care.

"Shhh. No, it's okay. It'll always be okay. I promise." Blaine told him, so close to his ear that he could feel the words.

"But, but I shouldn't have..." He trailed off, a hiccup ending his sentence.

"No, you listen to me. You can't keep it inside. Don't try to be the knight in shining armour all the time. If you need to break down, do it. Just break down. That's okay. It doesn't mean you're weak, it means you're human and that you have feelings." Blaine assured him.

Just for a moment, he didn't contradict it. He let himself believe those words.

"I'm sorry. I am. I shouldn't have questioned you." Kurt murmured, his tears soaking through the thin fabric of his boyfriend's borrowed shirt.

"Kurt, if you want to question me, you can. But I'll tell you the same thing every time. I'm here because I love you. I'm helping you because I love you. I want you to be happy." He explained. As Kurt opened his mouth to argue, Blaine corrected him. "No, real happy. Not the momentary high you get from hurting yourself. I want you to just be happy."

"But if I..."

"I won't let you. Because I'm in love with you and I'm not going to give up on you." Blaine finished. It was final. He wasn't going to give up. He wouldn't.

Kurt let out another hiccup. This one relieved.

"Thank you. Thank you. Oh god, thank you." Kurt cried, not sure why, shaking.

"For what?" His boyfriend asked, still rubbing calming circles on his back.

"For...loving me. For not giving up on me when I disappoint you." He admitted. His tears began to dry.

"Hon, you will never disappoint me. Because I love you, and therefore everything you do. You're such a great person. you're so selfless, and beautiful, and all around amazing. And it kills me that you can't see that, but I will live every day by your side, trying to help you see." Blaine whispered, kissing his cheek.

"I love you."

"Love you too."

Soon Kurt found his lips, their mouths moving tenderly, reassuringly, lovingly. The only word to describe it was bliss. Kurt lost himself in Blaine, relishing every second of contact.