Blaine’s POV

As I wake up, I don’t understand where I am. I feel too warm, and those arms around me feel so foreign. But then the events of the previous day flood back to me. The arms that are surrounding me aren’t foreign at all. They are the arms that have felt like my home for the past thirteen years. And that’s a reality check in itself because, never have I felt wrong being held in these arms. But I woke up and felt that way. I know it’s because it’s been too long since I last allowed myself to be held in them. And it’s one of the things I’ve missed most, the way that being in these arms does just normally make everything seem ok. However right now, it just reminds me how wrong all this is, how badly I’ve messed up, and I know that I really have fucked up.

I allow myself to stay in Kurt’s arms for a while longer, because I know I may not get the chance soon. I’m honestly surprised I was even given the chance to take comfort in them last night. When I arrived last night, I was so glad to realize Burt and Carole were out. As much as I love them, and how amazing they have been over the years, I wouldn’t have been surprised if either of them had wanted to kill me. And honestly I wouldn’t blame them. Them not being here just gave me some time to spend with Kurt. However it’s seems I was wrong about that; about all of it really. I didn’t expect myself to fall asleep, let alone Kurt to fall asleep with me. And I most certainly didn’t expect for both of us to be covered in a blanket this morning. I know from our position that it clearly wasn’t Kurt that placed it over us, only leaving Carole or Burt to have done so.

I place my hands over the top of Kurt’s which are currently firmly around my stomach and begin to stroke gently. I stop as my fingers come into contact with the cool metal on his left hand. It’s not that I didn’t expect for his rings to still be there as such, I know this is Kurt I am talking about, at the same time  I wouldn’t have been surprised if they weren’t in place any longer. I mean, I know if I had been put through the hell that I’ve put him through the past few months, that I wouldn’t still be wearing mine. I gently bring his hand up and kiss over the rings there; both of the rings I had placed there myself many years ago.

I lay his hand down at his side, and gently move the other one from around me to allow me to try and stand up. I do so very slowly; I know how much of a light sleep Kurt has become since we had our children, and I really don’t want him to wake right now. I can see how tired he is, and I know that I am at fault for that. It isn’t just tiredness of having slept on the couch last night, and it’s tiredness that’s been there for way too long. I managed to stand without him waking, though he is close to stirring a few times. I allow myself to place a kiss on top of his head before walking to the kitchen. I have no idea what the time is, but I need coffee. I know that today isn’t going to be easy. I have no idea what Thomas’ reaction to me being here is going to be. I know Elizabeth isn’t going to know who I am. And that I am going to have to face Burt and Carole. And I know, no matter how they acted last night, that they can’t be happy with my actions. I’m not happy with them myself and would completely understand if they wanted me to leave. I just hope they don’t, because I’m here to see if my husband is willing to let me try and fix what I have broken these past few months. I know it’s not going to be easy, and I know that my Father still has a great power over me, but I am not letting him win, not this time.

I walk into the kitchen and close the door slowly behind me, trying to make as little noise as possible. I look at the clock and realize it isn’t even 6 am; well, that is what I get for sleeping on a couch, really. I put the kettle on for a cup of coffee, adding enough water to make one for Kurt as well, just in case the noise does wake him, even though, I’m hoping he will be able to sleep a little bit longer. I know he needs it.

As I wait for the kettle to boil, I allow my mind to wander. Being back here with Kurt has just cemented for me what a big mistake I made keeping all this from him. I’ve known for a while it was a mistake, but I just felt too deep in to be able to tell him. Now though, physically seeing what I’ve done to him, while I’m no longer trying to distance myself, hurt me. It makes me realize just how much pain I have caused the man I love. I know that there is only one thing I will ever feel as bad about as I do this situation, and that’s when I cheated on Kurt back in my senior year. That had been a stupid mistake as a teenager though. This is a decision I made as an adult, with responsibilities and children. And I can’t help but wonder if Kurt will ever be able to fully forgive me; I know I don’t feel like I will ever be able to fully forgive myself.

I don’t know why I let my Father have power over me again after all these years, but I did. And he almost, or maybe even has, succeeded in doing just want he wanted. Breaking up my family. And I don’t know if I can live with myself if I have allowed him to do that.

I jump as the sound of the door opening brings me out of my brooding. I look up to see Carole entering the room.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I say quickly, because I know I am on thin enough ice with her and Burt as it is.

“Don’t worry Blaine, you didn’t. I had to get up and get ready to go for work.” It’s only then that I notice that Carole is indeed dressed for work. “Burt’s upstairs with Elizabeth, and I thought I would make him a drink before I left,” she explains. And I feel my heart clench, knowing that my daughter is upstairs with her grandpa, and I can’t hear her crying. It makes it clear to me that she has a better relationship with him and Carole than she does with me. And that hurts because I only drove her away because of my father. I let him get into my head. “You do realize Elizabeth isn’t you child, don’t you? You aren’t her father. That faggy husband of yours is. A child can’t have two fathers.” And deep down I am still feeling a bit like that. I can’t shake the words out of my head. I never used to feel like this. I never used to view her any differently than I do Thomas. But at the moment something deep inside of me can’t help but think she will never love me the way she loves Kurt, because she’s his, not mine.

“You alright, sweetie?” Carole asks, placing a hand on my arm gently. And I know I must have been in my own thoughts for too long.

“Yes,” I lie. I am so far from fine. “Sorry. There is enough water for you to use to make Burt a drink without reboiling the kettle,” I tell her quickly. While the small bit of comfort she offered is nice, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I didn’t even feel like I deserved it from Kurt last night. But I couldn’t stop myself, because I just needed to feel loved for a while. I couldn’t reject his offer for comfort again. I found it hard enough the past few months while everything was a secret, but I couldn’t reject him know he knew the truth and was still willing to offer me that comfort. 

I must have been lost in my thoughts again as when I look back at Carole I see she is about to leave. “It’s good to have you back, Blaine.” She states before leaving the room. And I wonder how much she knows if she still wants me here. I have a feeling Kurt has kept more of this to himself than I had expected. And it makes it even more understandable why he is so tired. I know how he deals with things if he bottles them up and keeps them to himself. He drives himself crazy running over all the different situations in his head. Think about what he’s done wrong, or what he could have done differently. And slowly he believes that the situation he is in is more and more his fault. He’s done it many times, over the years I’ve known him. And I know this will be no different, especially if he’s kept most of the details from Burt and Carole.

I finally lift the kettle to make myself a drink, because even though it’s my fault, Kurt isn’t the only one who hasn’t been sleeping well. I may have been the one distancing myself from him, but sleeping apart from Kurt never feels right. The bed always feels too big and empty and recently the house has been just too quiet. Even the absence of Kurt quietly humming as he designs makes the house feel like it’s dead.  

I peek into the living room to see if the movement of both me and Carole has woken Kurt. I am happy when I see he is still fast asleep. He’s always looked so peaceful when he sleeps and right now is no exception. I close the door gently again and leave him to it. I know that right now I have no right to watch him sleep like I love doing. That doesn’t mean I don’t hope to be able to one day soon.  I am hoping, from what Kurt said to me last night, that he is willing to let me prove to him how big a mistake I made over all of this. I hope he allows me to prove how much I love him and the children. And most of all, I hope he allows himself to open up to me, so I can help him work through just how much I’ve hurt him. And I know I have. If he gives me the chance to do that I know I will spend the rest of my life making this up to him.