POV of Blaine

I walk into the house and I instantly know something is wrong. I know I’m late again, and I know that is my fault but it’s not at the same time. I have my reasons; reasons I don’t feel I can tell anyone about. I hate to admit it but I am scared. I am really scared. I am scared what will happen if someone finds out why I am being so distant, but I am also scared of what will happen if I keep being so distant. That doesn’t stop me instantly knowing that it’s too dark within the house. No matter what time of night, the hall light is always on for Thomas, as he can’t sleep without the light on.

I lay my bag down and take my shoes off at the door. No matter how distant I’ve been from Kurt, I do still try to respect the fact that he doesn’t like shoes in the house. That’s when I notice that it’s too quiet. It may be gone midnight but on Thursday Kurt is nearly always up completing sketches for his end of week meeting on Friday. It’s something that’s been a constant since he started at Vogue, those big Friday meetings that often run over his morning break and his lunch break. But I can’t hear the scratching of his pencil, or the gentle hum of his voice. I don’t think he realises it, but he always hums to himself when he is at home designing.

“Kurt, I’m home,” I call out to him like I have done so often recently. I expect his normal reply asking me to be quiet because the kids are asleep, but it never comes. So he has either gone to bed, which would definitely be strange especially on a Thursday night, and especially with the hall light being off, or he’s not here. But that can’t be right, he definitely didn’t tell me he was going anywhere, and he wouldn’t go somewhere without telling me, right?

I walk towards his study quietly, just in case he is asleep in there, which I doubt as there is no light coming for there either. I peer inside and am instantly struck by how empty it is. He always has 3 portfolios in there of all the current designs he is working on. They are not in their normal place, and I know Kurt would leave them nowhere else in the room. I also notice that most of his sketching materials are also missing and this is not like Kurt at all. I know he won’t have left them at work because he doesn’t even take them to work; he has a whole other set there.

I walk in the direction of the children’s bedroom flicking the hall light on as I go. Maybe Kurt was just so tired that he forgot, I hope. But no, Thomas won’t sleep without it; he never has been able to. I peer my head around Thomas’ open door, and I quickly realise that he isn’t in his bed. Now I am starting to worry. I try and tell myself that Thomas is probably just in our bed with Kurt. But he hasn’t been in there in the night for close to two years, so why would he be now? Well, I know one of the most obvious reasons, me not being around. What can I do though? The consequences of me being around could be so much worse right now.

I back out of Thomas’ room and walk into Elizabeth’s room. Once again I easily notice that she isn’t in her cot, I also notice that her bedding is missing, and that is most certainly not normal, even if she is in bed with Kurt. I can feel that my heart is starting to race now. Where the hell are my children? Where is my husband? I walk as fast as I can to the end of the hall and our room and I turn the light on. Right now I’m not caring if I do wake any of them up. But there is no one there. It’s gone midnight and my house is empty.

I try and remain calm. I pull out my phone and check; I have no missed calls or messages telling me that maybe they have had to go to the hospital or something. There is nothing. I haven’t had a message since after I told Kurt I couldn’t make Thomas’ school meeting earlier today. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be there; I want to be there more than anything. It’s that I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t risk anything happening to Thomas or Kurt if I was there. I walk back towards the stairs and decide to see if there is a note in the kitchen. Maybe Rachel is ill or something and Kurt didn’t want to leave her alone. His normal place to leave notes is often in the kitchen. I all but run down the stairs needing to know where my family are. Right now my worst fears are coming true, but surely this can’t be what I think it is. I kept to what I said I would. Surely they haven’t been hurt, have they?

I get to the kitchen and once again there is nothing. It doesn’t even look or smell like Kurt has cooked dinner tonight, which is strange he always cooks for our family ever night, always has done. He will very occasionally buy take out, but there is no smell of that either. Now I am really worried. My husband and children have gone with no word and I have no idea what’s happening to them. It hits me all at once; this is what Kurt may have felt like the first day I came home late to find him pacing the floor in tears, worried about me. I feel like someone is squeezing at my heart, as I don’t think I ever realized this is what that worry would feel like. Worry I have been putting him through for over 6 months, and for what, because I am scared? I am scared even though I have always told Kurt to have courage and he has always done just that. If only I could follow my own advice.

I decided that the best thing I can do, is make myself a cup of coffee and try to calmly think about this and what could be happening. I need to try and find out where my family are. They are the three people I love most in the world. I know I haven’t been acting like it recently, but at the moment I can’t even admit to myself why that is.

I make myself a coffee with my thoughts running wild with all the awful things that could have happened to my family. I really hope that none of it is true. I can’t lose them. They are all I have in this world and the only three people who love me. Well, I hope Kurt still loves me after everything I have put him through.

I take the cup of coffee in hand and decide to go back upstairs to our bedroom, to see if I can try and work out where Kurt and our children might be. I walk in and sit on our bed and look around the room trying to see if anything seems out of place. It doesn’t, which just makes things feel even stranger. I go to place my coffee down on Kurt’s bedside table. It’s too hot to drink right now and my hands have started to shake with worry. That’s when I notice it; the drawer in Kurt’s bedside table is ajar. I know it would seem like nothing to most people, but I know Kurt is very particular about keeping drawers and stuff properly closed, especially that one as it’s the one we keep the lube and condoms in. I open it and am shocked when I realize that there is nothing but the lube and condoms left inside. Kurt is so organized with the cleaning and the washing that this drawer is normally completely full of his underwear, so the lack worries me. I walk over to our closest and open the door and this time I gasp. It’s almost completely empty of all of Kurt’s clothing. I then look towards his vanity and I don’t know how it didn’t strike me earlier but his moisturizers are all missing too.

I hits me like a freight train. He’s left, and he’s taken Thomas and Elizabeth and I have no idea where he has gone. I suddenly feel very cold and I start to breath heavily. I have to take myself back to sit down. My husband has gone. He’s left me and taken our kids with him. I can’t get my head around it. I know I’ve been an arse but I didn’t think that what I have been doing would cause this.

Who am I kidding? I knew it would cause this. What I didn’t know it would cause was the pain I am feeling right now. I have been trying to prepare myself for this for so long. I know it’s safer for them to leave me, but that doesn’t mean that deep down I hoped beyond anything it wouldn’t happen. I feel like there is a massive hole in my heart. Then I understand once again what Kurt may have felt like all those times I broke my promises to him; all those times he had to tell our son I wouldn’t be home to put him to bed like I promised, but in a way I can’t regret it as I did it trying to protect them.

I pick up my coffee again. Right now I need something to calm my nerves. I try and think about where Kurt could be. I quickly remember that I passed the car as I arrived home. So maybe Kurt is somewhere with someone who picked him up. And the only person I can think of is Rachel. But I wonder if Kurt would really go with all that stuff to Rachel’s. I know she only has an apartment with two bedrooms, so it wouldn’t be ideal for them to stay there for the time Kurt seems to be planning with all the stuff he has taken.

Then it hits me. Lima. He has probably taken himself and the children back to Lima. I walk to his office and quickly open our safe where we keep all our documents, and I am not surprised when only my passport is still in the safe. I never have understood why he takes his passport with him to fly back to Ohio but he always has, so it confirms to me where he has gone. I feel a bit better knowing that he is at least safe. But I can’t help but feel hurt at the fact he hadn’t at least let me know somehow. But then I can’t really complain. That is once again exactly what I have been doing to him for the past 6 months, coming home late and not making any contact to let him know about it.

Now I am starting to feel conflicted. If I am feeling like this after just once of him doing this, how much have I put him through my doing it for the past 6 months. Maybe I wasn’t right to do it after all. No, no, I had to do it. It was for their safety. What else what I meant to do?  I feel a tear roll down my cheek, because I do love Kurt, and knowing I have driven him to this no matter what the reason hurts. I know I can’t ring Kurt right now. I can’t let him know I am crying over this, so I walk back to our bedroom instead. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I curl up on Kurt’s side of the bed and pull my pillow close to my chest. I allow myself to inhale the scent that is wholly Kurt; his coconut moisturizer and his slightly woody cologne. I allow myself to cry over what I have been forced to make myself lose. But I know I can’t stay sad for too long. It’s my fault and I also need to ring Kurt just to check that he is in Lima.

Once I have stopped crying I pull my phone out again and dial Kurt’s number. It doesn’t even ring; it goes straight to voice mail, so I decided to leave a message.

“Kurt it is just me. I was just ringing because I noticed you had gone and taken your clothes with you. I am guessing from the fact your passport has gone you are in Lima. I just thought I would ring to check, but your phone isn’t on, so I will just go to bed, night.”

I put my phone down and get out of my clothes, leaving me in just my boxers, and climb into bed. It is only as I start to fall into sleep, that I realized what I said not long ago on the phone. As I replay my message over in my head, I take note of what it means. They are in Lima. Lima, Ohio. The one place they may actually be in more danger than here with me.