I board the plane carrying Elizabeth on my hip and holding Thomas’ hand on the other side of me. I feel numb. I know Isabelle told me I need to do this, but right now I feel as though I’m breaking all those promises I made on my wedding day. And no matter what Blaine has been doing that hurts. However, as I look from my daughter to my son, I realize just why I am doing this.

I know I can’t put them through this anymore and I can’t put myself through it anymore. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried and nothing seems to have worked. And I hate to admit it, but I feel like I am about to break. Don’t get me wrong, I love Blaine. I don’t think I could ever not love him in some way. I mean I shared so many firsts with him, even during my first year in New York when Blaine and I had split up I couldn’t date anyone else because I couldn’t lose my love for him.

I find our seats on the plane and somehow manage to juggle Elizabeth in my arms while I strap Thomas into his seat. I am glad that the flight is a short one seeing as I am going to have to hold Elizabeth on my lap all the way there due to her age. I soon sit down and hope Elizabeth may fall asleep on the plane. I mean, the car journey after the plane ride is longer than the plane ride itself and I really could be without a screaming baby then.

“Daddy,” I hear Thomas question and I have a feeling I know what’s coming now. He realizes that Blaine isn’t coming with us, now that we are on the plane. “Why are we going back to Grampa’s without Papa?”

I have had a few hours to think about this and I’m still not sure what I want to tell him. “Thomas I’m going to try and explain this to you as much as I can. I know you are getting big now, but there are some things that little boys like you just are not old enough to understand okay?”

“Yes daddy, but that still doesn’t answer my question,” he says back to me and I know I can’t stall any longer.  I have to explain it in the simplest but most honest way I can. We have always been as honest with our son as we can. For example, he knows a very basic idea of how mine and Blaine’s relationship is different from most others, and we tell him more the older he gets.

“You know that Papa has been breaking a lot of promises to you recently, hasn’t he? And even if you don’t like to show it, that makes you sad, doesn’t it?”

“Yes it does daddy but I try and be a big boy,” Thomas says and I can hear him slowly about to get upset.             

“Hey don’t get upset. This isn’t because of you. And you have been a really big boy,” I reassure, taking his hand. “Well, Papa isn’t just breaking promises to you, he’s breaking promises to daddy too, big promises that we made on our wedding day. Do you remember when daddy and Papa told you about that and showed you the photos?” I ask, and Thomas just nods in return. “Well, Papa is breaking those promises to me, and that makes your daddy sad. And daddy doesn’t want to be sad as that makes you and Elizabeth sad. So we are going back to see Grandpa. And while we are there daddy and Papa will talk over the phone and stuff and see if we can talk like adults and get it sorted alright.”

Thomas looks at me with his big hazel eyes and I know I won’t like what is coming next. “What if you and Papa don’t sort it out daddy?” I had a feeling he would ask this, but I didn’t expect it yet.

“Thomas that is something daddy doesn’t want you worrying about ok? I want you to just enjoy your time with Grandpa, Grandma Carole and Uncle Finn ok?”

“Yes daddy,” and like that he turns and pulls his cars out of his bag accepting it as the end of the conversation.

The flight didn’t go quite as well as I had hoped, due to the fact Elizabeth just wouldn’t sleep, but we didn’t get delayed which I was thankful for. I collect the baggage and come to the part I hate. Not being able to hold Thomas’s hand, because it’s hard enough to pull the baggage trolley with one had as it is. It isn’t that I don’t trust him, but rather that I don’t trust other people to watch out for him.

“Make sure you hold on to the trolley for daddy, and as we walk through the doors I need you to look for Grandpa or Uncle Finn. I don’t know which one of them got away from working tonight at the garage to come and pick us up.”

“Okay daddy,” he replies cheerily and I know it’s because he is excited to see his Grandpa and Uncle Finn. And while I am excited to see them too, it’s been a while; I wish the circumstances were different.  

I somehow managed to push the trolley through the doors and into the arrivals area quickly, scanning for my dad or Finn. Gosh could I tell I was in Ohio and not New York! In New York I was offered help the second someone saw me struggling with two kids and 3 big bags, but here people just think it is funny to stand and watch.

I soon feel Thomas tugging on my pant leg. I look down, and see he is pointing at someone. I follow his arm and come almost face to face with my dad. No disrespect to Finn, but I am glad it’s my dad here; I need a hug right now. The kind of hug only my dad can give me.

“Kurt, it’s good to see you son,” he addresses me quickly before bending down to ruffle Thomas’ hair. “Hello kiddo, how are you? Did you miss Grandpa?”

“I’m hungry and yes, I missed you,” Thomas speaks holding out his arms to my dad.

“Just a quick pick up right now Thomas. I need Grandpa to either carry your sister or push this trolley. You can have proper cuddles once you are home, ok sweetie?”

“Yes daddy,” he responds quickly as I watch him throw his arms around my dad’s neck, and it’s a sight that I love to see every time. When I think all those years back to my junior year when I almost lost my dad I am just so glad he is here to meet his grandkids. Gosh I’m glad here’s here for me right now.

My dad puts Thomas down, and I’m soon in a half hug, my dad and I both being mindful of a sleepy Elizabeth on my hip. “You’re going to be alright son, we will get this all sorted,” my dad reassures me in my ear, in a low enough voice so Thomas can’t hear and I just hope he is right.

“I really hope so dad. I don’t know what I am doing right now.” I say back, and then pull away as I know if I say much more I am going to start crying.

“Come on let’s get you all home. I bet you are all ready for some dinner, and then bed, aren’t you?”

“Can we have ice cream for pudding?” Thomas asks quickly. It’s a tradition the first day we arrive to have a meal followed by ice cream. I just hope someone remembered to buy some, because as nasty as it sounds, I am just not in the mood for Thomas to be upset tonight.

“Of course we can! Grandma Carole has decided we can have take-out pizza tonight and she has already been to the shop to get your favourite strawberry ice cream. It’s in the freezer waiting for you.” My dad replies, ruffling Thomas’ hair again, and gosh am I glad I managed to him to stop doing that to me by the time I was three.

Soon we are in the car, and I am so thankful my dad insisted on getting child seats in his car for when we visited even after I said it didn’t matter. I let Thomas ride in the front with my dad as Elizabeth is really sleepy and if she naps now I know she won't be sleeping tonight. And I need some time to talk to my dad and process things.

If I had any belief that Blaine would get home on time, I would expect him to ring me in around 2 hours. However, seeing as he hasn't been home on time much recently, I don't think he'll be back home until close to midnight. And I will not be having a conversation with him on the phone at that time of night. I need some sleep.

On the way to Lima we talk about work for me and the garage for dad and dad asks Thomas about school and hearing him talk about that takes up most of the journey. I'm surprised at how quickly the journey goes, but then again it's been a while since I've seen my dad. And I just feel such an enormous sense of home being with him. One I used to feel with Blaine. I hope that maybe I can get that back with Blaine. My thoughts are back to Blaine again but that's because I love him. Ever since I met him in my junior year, he's been a sort of rock for me. I know I am, well used to be, for him as well. I feel in love with him the first day we met. And even though he didn't reciprocate those feelings straight away, we have been together for a long time, with just one short break up.

It took me a while to trust him again after he cheated on me, but I know that it wasn't all because of him. True, he didn't act the most responsible way by cheating. But I know he may have been less likely to cheat if I didn't ignore him so much, not that I meant to. But I forgave him because I love him. And I took him back and we rebuilt our trust. We've been together so long that my trust for him is stronger now than it was even before he cheated. That however makes this harder, as even now I don't believe he is cheating. It has crossed my mind as a possibility, but that is nothing to do with the past; that's just normal wondering. I’m just left with more questions. Why has he grown so distant? And whatever the reason why hasn't he told me? I know I have to pull myself out of these thoughts but I feel like I can’t help it. But I need to focus on my children while they are awake. I also have to put on a brave face so I can get through this family dinner with Carole and Finn too. I know it is going to do nothing but remind me of all the family dinners Blaine has missed recently.

The second we walk into the house, I am greeted with a hug from Carole, and she also talks in my ear like my dad did earlier. “Hey sweetie, it’s good to see you. I am sorry it couldn’t be under different circumstances.”

“Thank you Carole,” I respond, and then pull away quickly as I can hear Finn making aeroplane noises and I want to check he isn’t putting my son in danger. He isn’t, and I can’t help but smile at the scene in front of me. Thomas is laughing while being flown around by Finn, and my dad is there holding Elizabeth who is giggling at what is going on. Then it hits me again like a tonne of bricks it shouldn’t be Finn doing that with Thomas. It should be Blaine. And I want to cry all over again, but I can’t, not right now.

Finn soon puts Thomas on the ground and walks over to me. “Good to see you bro.” It’s not much and he doesn’t address why I am here, but that’s because he’s Finn. And really, I’m thankful he’s acting normal.

“You too Finn, how are you keeping?” I ask. While I speak to my dad as much as I can, I have found my contact with Finn has become less and less over time.

“I’m good thanks bro. I’ll go get your bags from the car for you so you can help mom order the pizza. I know what you’re like” and it’s true I am funny about what I will let the kids, and my dad for that matter, eat.

“Thanks. Just be careful as there are three big cases in there. You may want to do it in two trips.” Finn just nods his response and turn towards the front door.

I see Carole walk back in from the kitchen carrying two cups of what looks and smells like coffee, even though I hadn’t even realized she had left the living room in the first place. “Here you go. I thought you would like a coffee after the journey. You normally do,” she says, handing it to me. She’s right, I haven’t had one since before I left work for the first time today, before Thomas’ school meeting.

“Thank you, Carole, you’re a saint.”

“Oh it’s nothing. Do you want to order dinner, then I can have the kids for you if you want, so you can talk to your dad?”

I sigh “Thank you, but no. I want to get dinner ordered but I don’t want to do any proper talking until the children are in bed. This is big enough for them as it is; they don’t need to see me in the emotional state I could well get into over all of this. You know how I am.”

“Ok, do you want me to order the usual for both you and the kids? I know what pizza they like and you like them having and I know you will want a salad. If you want to stay happy right now, go and enjoy your kids.”

“Yes please, if you don’t mind. And watch what you order for dad,” I remind her, even though she has been living for over ten years with him while I’ve been in New York. But what can I say, he’s my dad and I need him to stick around a good while longer.

“Don’t worry I will. Now go on, enjoy those kids. And you might want to intercept before your dad puts something on that telly you don’t approve of,” she says quickly pointing to the telly. I turn around and walk in to join my dad. To my surprise he actually puts Little Einstein’s on the telly for Thomas which I am glad about.

I sit down and place my coffee on the table far enough away from Elizabeth’s grabby hands. The minute she realizes I have sat down she toddles over to me and sticks her arms out for pick up.

“Dada, up peas,” she says and I couldn’t deny her, even if I wanted to, so I scoop her up and onto my lap.

“Hello princess, haven’t you been a good girl today?” she looks at me confused and I know it’s because she can’t work out exactly what I am saying, and then she rubs her eyes yawning. “I know sweetie, you’re tired. We are going to eat dinner with Grandpa, Grandma Carole and Uncle Finn and then I will get you bathed and into bed.” She nods her little head at me before snuggling into me, and I can’t help but hold her that extra bit tighter. It isn’t long before Thomas turns around and sees Elizabeth sitting on my lap. He walks over to me and without him even asking I know he wants in on the cuddle too. I pat my leg to make it clear he is ok to climb up, and he does so with a bit of help from me. He sits himself on my right leg and snuggles his head into my chest the way he does when he is feeling a bit overwhelmed, and his sister clings to my shirt as if she is afraid I am about to disappear. I hold them both close to me in return. I can’t help but allow my heart to over flow with love for the both of them, but at the same time I feel such a big void of emptiness and right now I would do anything for that to be filled again.