The next day I try and think positively. Blaine is there and awake to help me with breakfast for the children. After a little battle and quite a few tears from Elizabeth I manage to leave her in her highchair eating breakfast being supervised by Blaine, while I actually have time for a proper length shower. I manage to complete my routine in full which seems relax me even more, and I managed to spend more than two minutes finding the perfect outfit, which I am thankful for, seeing as it needs to be appropriate for both work and our meeting with Thomas’ old and new school teachers.

As Blaine leaves we actually peck each other on the cheek, and while it doesn’t seem like much it has my heart fluttering the way it used to when we first started dating. And I wouldn’t be surprised if a small blush had formed on my cheeks either. Especially when I hear the “Errrr daddy, papa,” come from our son. We always limit our affection around him, not because we are embarrassed but because we believe that there is a limit to what should and shouldn’t be done around children, and not just our own children.

 “Blaine, remember we have Thomas’ school meeting at 12. We will talk to his kindergarten teacher about his progress this year, and meet his new school teacher  at the same time. I will meet you there just before 12, alright?”

“Don’t worry I haven’t forgotten.” he informs me, and after all this time I believe that maybe things are going to slowly get better. I know not to expect things too quickly, but Blaine remembered his son’s parent’s day which is more than I was hoping for.

I enter work feeling so much happier than I have in weeks, and I know Isabelle can tell. By 10 I have been conned into going into her office, and I know she doesn’t really need to know the figures for how much lace fabric I need. I gave her those figures yesterday. But I go anyway, happy to share my news with her, and thank her for being such an understanding boss. I do really need to make sure I get her a big bouquet of flowers this Christmas.

“So, someone’s happy today,” she sing songs, and I know my smile widens.

“Yes, I am hoping things may be looking up with Blaine,” I explain happily. “I know it might not sound like much, but he actually gave me a kiss before leaving the house today, and remembered Thomas’ school meeting and promised to be there.” I know that the grin on my face will mean my face is sore by the end of the day but right now I don’t care. I would rather have a sore face from smiling that sore eyes from all the crying I’ve been doing recently.

“That’s really good,” and Isabelle is smiling too, she knows how much my relationship means to me. “I’m guessing your chat with Blaine went well.” My smile drops slightly at this but I decide to tell her anyway.

“No, not really,” I admit honestly, “He stormed out of the house and tried to put a lot of the blame of me. However, you know what I am like. I can’t just give up and I keep slowly trying. Even last night he was shrugging me off, but then this morning he was there to help me with the children, and I could see a tiny hint of the husband I know.”

“That’s wonderful, I guess we will be seeing that cheery happy Kurt back round here a lot more often then. I’m sure the interns will be glad that you may stop biting their heads off so much now. You really are harsh on them when you are in a bad mood.”

“No, I am just too kind to them when I’m in a good mood,” I say jokingly. “I remember what it’s like. Remember, you never let me slack off! And I’m grateful for it or I wouldn’t be where I am now. So I would say I am helping to motivate them to become better, and they will thank me for it one day.” I really do feel so much happier, and I can tell by the way Isabelle is looking at me that it is radiating to her too.

“That they will. Not many interns get to be under someone who got their first line as young as you did. You’ve got talent; I’ve always known that.” I can hear the cockiness in her voice; as if she knew from my first interview that I would go on to do what I have. To be honest, knowing Isabelle, she probably did. “Anyway, I really am glad things seem to be on the up with Blaine, but remember I am always here if you need to talk about anything or if anything gets worse again. I can’t have one of my star designers suffering because he has a tendency to think he is doing everyone a favour by keeping everything locked up and to himself.”

Yes it’s true. I really do have a great boss. I mean back when I came to New York after being rejected from NYADA, I never expected my life to turn out the way it has work wise. But I also know that it is certainly one thing I wouldn’t have changed. I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else. I leave Isabelle’s office with an extra spring in my step and I actually surprise myself with how much work I am able to get done before I have to leave to go to Thomas’ school.

I pull up at the school and decide to wait for Blaine in my car when my phone goes off signalling a text message. I pull it out and read what it says

From Blaine (11.51am) I am sorry but I will not make it to the school to meet Thomas’ teacher I am still at work and I just cannot get away.

I feel sick. Once again I have to let Thomas down. Thomas was there this morning when Blaine promised to be at this meeting and I just feel so angry. I have learnt to deal with him letting me down recently but nothing will ever make me understand how he can let our children down. ‘What can I do though?’ I think to myself. Thomas finishes Kindergarten tomorrow, and in September he will be going into 1st grade after turning 6 in August. I may have to do it without the help of my husband, but I know need to see how amazing our son has done this year, and help him with his anxiety of meeting his new teacher. That is one of the ways Thomas really does differ from Blaine. He was never nervous when meeting new people, but Thomas really struggles with it. Which is why this parents’ appointment had been arranged specially so we could meet Thomas’ new teacher with him.

I give myself a minute to compose myself, knowing that my son’s face will fall the second he realizes his papa isn’t coming. It’s me that has to have the memory of that etched into my mind, not Blaine, the one who keeps letting him down, and none of it seems fair.

I get into the school quickly. Most of the staff knows who I am from the times I’ve had to come in when Thomas has ended up having a supply teacher and been unable to cope. When Thomas sees me he comes running up to me and I only just have time to prepare myself to catch him. Now that’s one thing he does get from Blaine he has always been very bouncy and full of energy. I’m sure if he was allowed he’d jump on the furniture like his papa used to. I lift him up into my arms to allow me to give him a cuddle while speaking to him.

“It’s good to see you too Thomas,” I say with a laugh, but it is short lived when I feel him looking over my shoulder and I know just who he is looking for.

“Isn’t papa with you daddy?” Thomas questions. And the hope in his voice makes this all the more harder as it seems no matter how many times Blaine lets him down, he is always just as hopeful he won’t the next time.

“I’m afraid papa had to stay at work Thomas,” I can tell even my own voice is sad. I just hope Thomas doesn’t pick up on it.

“That’s okay daddy. You are here with me to see my new teacher aren’t you? You don’t have to go do you?” Hearing him say that, I feel even worse than when I read that text from Blaine. Yes we raised our son to be kind and understanding, but he’s 5 for heaven’s sake. He shouldn’t be so understanding about being let down by his papa. I love Blaine with all my heart. I mean even when we were separated due to him cheating on me I always loved him; I just had to get over the hurt. However I don’t know what to do. I mean here I was thinking things are getting better, to just be let down again. How many times am I going to let myself and my children be let down by Blaine? Is it not better to just break away and deal with the pain now, rather than much worse pain later? I am going to stop that thought right now as I know I really don’t want our family to break up.

I know I can’t focus on any of that right now. I know if I do, that I won’t get through the next hour or so at the school without breaking down. And I know for sure that won’t help anything right now. Yes, my heart is heavy, and I know I am going to have to let it out at some point, but not right now in front of my son. I can’t let him down too.

Before I know it I am speaking to Thomas’ current teacher and I am so proud at all the stuff she is telling me about Thomas’ progresses. She tells me that he is ahead of many in his class with his letter writing, numbers and reading. She tells me that he seems to be popular among his peers and for this I am really grateful. Even here in New York, one thing that has always worried me is that my children will be outsiders because of our family make up. I mean we are treated so much better in New York than we were back in Ohio, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t have the odd hurtful word thrown at us while out with our children. And believe me that led to a very awkward conversation explaining to an inquisitive and clever four year old what was meant by the word faggot. It is a memory that will never leave me and one I wish I won’t have to repeat with Lizzie, but I know it’s likely I will.

It’s as soon as Thomas realises that it is now time to meet his new teacher that he grabs hold of me like there is no tomorrow. I don’t always deal well with these situations. I hate seeing Thomas struggling. And it’s times like these where I need that support from Blaine to help me through. But today I am doing it on my own, and I have to stay strong for our son.

I squeeze his hand gently back trying to offer comfort as we walk down the hall towards his new class room for next year. We are doing it this way so that he can enter the classroom at his own pace instead of having the other teacher come to him. It would have been easier if the teacher had been at the school over this previous year as at least he would know her slightly. But as it happens, she is a new teacher for the school next year. I can feel his little hand shaking in mine, and for a split second I want to just pick him up and leave the school grounds with him. I shake the idea from my mind. That won’t help. I know I have to help him overcome his fears, not make them worse. And I can do that by being here and holding his hand.

Half an hour later he is chatting away to his new teacher Mrs Barnes. I am just glad that they seem to be getting on so well. We even arrange to bring Thomas in 15 minutes early on the first day back so that he can be reacquainted with her on his own once again before being with his class. All too soon it is time for me to leave him and get back to work.

I walk Thomas back down the hall towards his classroom. When we reach the door I bend down and give him a kiss.

“Bye daddy, I love you,” he says before turning towards to door.

“Bye Thomas, I love you too, see you later,” I reply. I am due to pick him up from day care this evening, but that isn’t anything unusual these days. I watch as Thomas takes a step towards his class room door, before stopping and turning around. His face is so serious I instantly worry about what is about to happen, hoping he isn’t about to kick off about me leaving him.

“Daddy, does Papa still love me?” I almost choke on thin air. I feel like my airway is tightening up on me, and my eyes are trying to water against my will. Of anything I might have expected, that hadn’t even been on the list. And if I though Blaine letting Thomas and Elizabeth down all the times he has over these past few months hurt, well that was nothing compared to this.

I just want to break right here, right now. But I can’t. My son needs me and he needs an answer. I can break after I make sure he knows he is loved.

“Of course he does sweetie, why do you think he doesn’t?” I speak and once again bend down and wrap my arms around Thomas.

“Because he is never around anymore daddy, and he keeps telling me he will be there to do something with me and he never is. I know you love me because you give me cuddles, and read to me, and always tell me you love me.  But Papa doesn’t do any of that any more. So I was thinking he lost his love for me.” Thomas says with clear sadness in his voice.

I hug him that tiny bit tighter as I reply, having to try and force myself to believe my own words as I say them. “Of course he loves you, he loves all of us. Papa is just busy at the moment; it happens when you are a grownup but he is your Papa and, like me, he will always love you.”

Thomas pulls back slightly and looks into my eyes before speaking again. “Okay daddy, as long as you’re sure.”

“I am bud, come on you need to get back to class now. Love you and see you later.” I say kissing his cheek just to back up the fact I love him.

“I love you too daddy,” Thomas says before turning and actually entering his class room this time.

I stand for a minute trying to hold myself together, as right now I just want to break. I walk back to my car and I know I am in a bit of a daze. I honestly don’t know how I manage to drive myself back to work safely, especially as some time during the drive tears start streaming down my face, as I find it all just too much to process.

The second I get inside my office I break properly, and damn am I glad for the position I have in Vogue.com now that means I get my own office. However, that is short lived when there is a knock at the door, and I look up to see Isabelle entering my office having not even waited for permission. It is clear someone saw the state I was in as I entered the building and the news quickly got to her. It’s not surprising. I have grown close to the people I’ve worked with here for many years. And most of them know how strong I am after everything I’ve been through in my past.

“Kurt,” she says gently. I look up to make eye contact with her, and everything I was holding back even within my break down spills over. I realise I can’t do it anymore. I realise fighting for this is hurting our children, and that is one thing I am not willing to let happen.

“I can’t do it Isabelle,” I say after a while, in which Isabelle has moved to place her arm around me.

“What’s happened Kurt? I have never seen you like this. And you can’t keep it in. You don’t have to tell me but you need to tell someone.” The concern is evident in her voice.

“No, you’re right. I do. Blaine didn’t turn up at Thomas’ school today, even after promising he would. I got through that fine though it isn’t the first time and I didn’t expect it to be the last. But what I can’t cope with is my son asking me if his papa still loves him. I have tried Isabelle. I really have, but I will not let his distance affect our kids.”

“Oh sweetie, come here,” and I don’t really have much choice and I am pulled into a hug. I am not someone who is used to physical contact from people other than my father, Blaine and my children, so I am surprised when I melt into Isabelle’s touch, but it just shows how starved of love I really am.

“Kurt, I know you may not like this proposal but I am going to make it anyway. I want you to go home and pack bags for you, Lizzie and Thomas, pick the kids up, and take a flight back to Ohio.” I can’t believe what she is saying, but I am so overwhelmed from what has happened today I just let her continue. “You cannot do this on your own. You need support right now.” And she is right I do. “I know it’s the last day of school tomorrow so Thomas won’t miss anything important. Go and get yourself sorted and even if you won’t do it for yourself do it for those kids of yours.”

“But what about my designs and work?” I know it isn’t the best argument and Isabelle will easily come up with a solution to that.

“Kurt Hummel-Anderson, right now I am not worried about your work. But seeing as you are, I want you to know you are one on my most trusted members of staff. So I would trust you to work from Ohio, keep me informed and updated by email, and send designs by special courier. You know I don’t give in easily so don’t try and argue with me. You need this.” And I don’t argue with her. She is right. If I can’t have Blaine, I need someone to support me with the children right now. And the best place I will find that is back home. “Look, you are due two weeks holiday in just over 3 weeks anyway. Just take those 3 weeks taking it a bit easy and just doing work when you can. And spend the whole 5 weeks in Ohio; hopefully by then something will be sorted.” Once again I am reminded of what an amazing boss Isabelle is, and she really needs more than just a big bouquet of flowers for Christmas.

“Okay you win, I will do it. But how do I tell Blaine?” I ask. Since she came up with the idea I’m sure she can help me.

“You don’t. That is part of it. You see how long it takes him to realise you and the kids are gone. It may give you an indication of whether he really cares. You don’t even leave him a note. You wait until he contacts you.”

I sigh as I really don’t want to but I know she is right. If I am to even hope to know what is going on with Blaine I have to use some shock tactics.

“I am going to wish you the best of luck now. Ring your father while you are here, and then go as soon as you are finished. You know the designs I need for the rest of the month, but as I said if you don’t get them finished I can work with them being slightly late.”

“Thanks Isabelle,” I respond and it really is heartfelt. I shock myself again by giving her a hug. I watch as she leaves and am glad that I have the support network I do. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be completely alone now.

I take out my phone and ring my dad.

“Hi Kurt. Is everything alright?” is how he answers the phone, and I know it’s because I am ringing during work hours.

“No, it’s not. I hope you don’t mind but I’m bringing me and the kids home.”