Things carry on the same for the first half of the next week, but finally on Wednesday Blaine is home by 9pm. Yes it means he still missed the children which I really wish he wouldn’t, but at least he is home at a more decent time, and I am glad that I haven’t got any designs to do. I warm up dinner for the both of us, each night I have delayed eating mine in the hope we could eat together.

We sit on the sofa with the telly playing in the back ground and for the first time in a long time we actually start to eat a meal together.

“How was work,” I asked gently I don’t want to push Blaine but even a bit of conversation would be nice.

“Same as it normally is. Trying to get the songs recorded for the soundtrack release but things just don’t seem to be going right. The power short-circuited tonight so we couldn’t get anything else done.” Well it’s nice to know that’s the only reason my husband is home right now, but I will be thankful for small mercies. No matter why, at least he is here.  I try and edge closer to him on the sofa and normally he would edge closer to me and we would end up cuddled in the middle of the sofa. However he doesn’t seem to be bothered about moving, so I stop and continue with the conversation.

“That must be annoying; you didn’t lose any of your work did you?” I ask, as I know only too well how annoying that is, having once lost 3 days’ worth of work when my computer system went down.

“Yes we did. It also means the director wants us to try and find time to make up for the time we are missing recording right now. I know it’s going to mean a couple of early mornings and later nights.” I’m a bit annoyed that he doesn’t consult me about this. I mean if I am ever going to be working different hours at vogue I always make sure he is involved and informed, but no it seems he only realizes how time affects him.

“I understand,” I say, really trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice, as really I don’t.

“What about you how was work?” he asks me. Well, that’s a start; at least he is joining in the conversation.

“Oh you know the same as always. Isabelle was being her normal crazy self, and some of the designs some of the people there come up with makes me wonder how they ever got a job at Vogue, but you know I make it work. Just trying to stay focused on the show.”

Blaine gives me a quizzical look and I don’t understand until he speaks. “What show?”  Oh, so the four times I’ve mentioned it to you in the past 3 months haven’t been enough for you to remember? One of the biggest nights of each year in my career. I don’t know why I’m surprised, but it hurts. It really hurts. I mean no matter how much he puts his job before us, I try and remember what he tells me about it. But it seems anything I tell him about my job now doesn’t matter; like I don’t matter.

“The show where I headline my next collection,” I explain wanting to get annoyed but stopping myself as I know that certainly won’t help the situation. “I told you about it a few weeks ago. I asked if you could make sure you could get the day off, so that you can come with me as my plus one. You know how much I love having your support at my shows.” It’s true I do. Blaine has attended every single one of my shows and it always makes me so happy when I see he is there and proud of me and me alone. “Rachel has already agreed to look after the children here and sleep in the spare room so that we can both go.”

“Oh I don’t remember. I will have to see what I can do regarding work, but I can’t promise I will be able to come, Kurt. I mean you know how much work I am putting into the show right now. So you know how behind I could get from taking a day out to come to your show.”

“Okay Blaine, I understand, just try if you can please. It would mean a lot to me.” 

“Thank you for being so understanding Kurt, and I’ll try,” I can tell by his tone that he isn’t being honest but I am not going to say anything and start a fight right now. “I’m going to go to bed, as I said, early morning tomorrow to help make up for this.” he says, and I understand what it’s like to be tired, but I would have thought he would have asked me if I was going to bed with him.

“Okay, well I know you normally like a shower before heading to bed so I will get this place cleaned up and join you,” I say before placing a kiss on his cheek. He doesn’t respond, just stands and heads towards our bedroom.

In a way I’m glad he likes to shower before bed it will give me some time to let my thoughts run through my head before I join him in bed.

I feel awful that when I tried to move close to him he didn’t even try to lift his arm to give me a cuddle. This is something we have done for years, not just since we were married. Even back in high school, when we got used to showing affection in front of my parents he would sit with his arm around my back and I would rest my head on his shoulder while sitting on the sofa.

Right now I just feel so unloved, and it really is foreign to me. I mean before Blaine and I got together I was in a house full of my dad’s love. We may have had a unique relationship, but I always knew I was loved within that house. Then when I moved to New York, even though I wasn’t with the love of my life, and even when he broke my heart and cheated on me I was living with Rachel, my best friend. Once again, even though we shared a very unique relationship we loved each other dearly. Ever since Blaine and I have lived together I have always felt his love. He would bring me flowers for no reason, just to show me what I mean to him. If he had to be out of the house early, I would always wake to a note on the fridge even if he had nothing to tell me other than that he loved me. When each of our children were born, he spent hours telling me how lucky he felt to be able to raise children with me, and all the reasons he loved me. Now though, now I am wondering if he’s lost that love for me. I feel so completely alone. I know I have Rachel, and my dad and Finn, but they aren’t here. They don’t live in this house, which doesn’t feel at all like home anymore.

The only thing that I feel like fighting for is my children. They deserve to have two parents, two parents who love them, not just one. I never thought things would be like they are now. Yes, I knew that in the professions we are both in there was a chance we would occasionally have to work longer or later than we want, but I know it shouldn’t be like this. We are not the first parents with challenging careers, but I can’t help but wonder if we are the first couple where one parent just seems to stop caring.

I busy myself with the washing up, while I allow my thoughts to continue to take over my mind. I mean, right now nothing seems to be getting better. And I am starting to wonder if things actually will get better. That just leaves me with the question of what I will do if things don’t get better. I mean, I love Blaine with everything I am, and on our wedding day I didn’t take our vows lightly.

I can’t help but repeat them to myself in my head, “I Kurt Hummel take you Blaine Anderson, to be my partner in life, my best friend in life and my one true love. I will cherish our marriage and love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you, respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. I give you my hand, my heart and my love, from this day forward, as long as we both shall live.”

Those words meant and still do mean so much to me, and I promised to love him faithfully regardless of the obstacles. However I didn’t ever think that it could potentially end up harming our children. Yes I am starting to wonder if staying with Blaine is actually hurting the children. I mean, how many times can Thomas have his heart broken, and how many times can I force Elizabeth to go to Blaine while screaming her heart out because she doesn’t understand who he is?

Yes, I love Blaine with everything I have, but I also love my kids, and right now I don’t know what to do for the best. I mean even if our marriage doesn’t get any better, what am I meant to do? I live in New York. I can’t just deal with becoming a single parent overnight. Not while trying to work a job at Vogue to allow myself to earn enough to be a single parent. What am I saying I don’t even want to be a single parent! I want to be a father, along with Blaine. I want to share the joy with him when Elizabeth starts kindergarten in three years. I want to walk down the school hall with him the first time Thomas ends up in the head masters office. I want to be with Blaine as my husband as we have the very embarrassing sex talk with both our children, and hope to hell that it is no way near as embarrassing as the one I had with my father. I want Blaine to be the doting father who scrutinises anyone either of our children dates, just like my father did with him. I don’t want to have to do it all alone. I know my dad did his best bringing me up on his own. And I know he couldn’t have done any better and for that I will forever be grateful, but I also know how hard he found it. Blaine isn’t dead like my mother was, and I don’t think I can do it completely on my own. I mean, I know I pretty much am now, but at least he is there in at least some sense.

I finish the washing up and head to bed, once I get into the bedroom I realise Blaine is already in bed, lying on his back eyes still open, so I know he isn’t asleep. I get changed quickly and join him in bed, hoping that maybe we will be able to get some time together now.  I wait a minute to see if he instigates any contact and when he doesn’t, I move to lay my head gently on his chest with my arm resting on his stomach and over his hip. It’s a common position for us. It’s even the way we slept together after our first time. But back then his arms were wrapped tightly round my back as well, but now he doesn’t seem bothered.

It doesn’t make me feel any better, but I know I can’t give up. This isn’t just for me, but for all of us as a family. I have to keep trying. I have to try and break though this barrier Blaine seems to have put up. I move myself to place a peck against his lips before moving on to his neck kissing at the flesh there gently. I allow my hand that was over his hip to move up and massage his shoulder in a way I know helps him relax. For a few minutes he lays there and allows me to do so and I think I am maybe getting through to him. I don’t want anything back right now; if he will just enjoy himself and let me worship his body for a while I will be so much happier than I have been in so long.

I decided to go for it. I allow my lips to move further down his neck, still kissing very gently as I move toward his collar bone. Once there I make sure to find that spot that I know normally drives him wild, however the second I attach my lips to it he pushes me off. He doesn’t push hard enough to hurt me but he pushes with a decent amount of force.

“Don’t Kurt, I’m tired. It’s not fair to expect things when I’m tired,” Blaine hisses angrily.

“Okay, I’m sorry Blaine, go to sleep,” I say dejectedly, turning over and facing away from him. I can’t believe I am the one who ends up apologizing when I didn’t expect anything from him other than for him to enjoy himself.

I can’t help but wonder if I am really that ugly or disgusting that my own husband doesn’t even want to get intimate with me anymore. I mean I know I have gained a few laughter lines since I was 18 but never, other than during the months we spent apart and during our break up have we ever gone this long without being intimate with each other. I mean I know I am not the everyday pin up hunk, I’m not built the way most guys are and my voice most certainly isn’t the most masculine, but I thought Blaine saw something in me, even when nobody else did. Obviously I was wrong and everyone else was right. I am not the kind of person that can truly be loved. I haven’t got the right looks or anything like that. I can’t help the tears that stream down my face and I don’t know where they come from but Sebastian Smythe’s words from all those years ago start to spin around my head. “Blaine is too good for you.” And maybe, just maybe I am starting to believe that that was the truth all along.