I knew I needed to listen to Isabelle, when I ended up crying myself to sleep Friday night, and my husband didn’t join me until close to midnight once again. It woke me, but I didn’t make that obvious, but I at least expected him to snuggle close to me. But instead he climbed into bed, and faced his back towards me, and I ended up crying myself to sleep all over again.

The next morning I rang Rachel. She didn’t know of all the problems me and Blaine were having, and I didn’t really want her knowing but I knew if I explained to her I just needed some time to talk to Blaine she would find the time to take Thomas and Elizabeth off our hands. So I am now waiting for her to come and pick them both up hoping Blaine will stay asleep until they are gone, so I can then wake him and try and have a chat with him, about our future.

Rachel turns up, with Brody, at 10.30 just as arranged, and I hate that Elizabeth goes to her with such ease when she doesn’t even go to her own papa like that.

“You two be good for your Auntie Rachel, daddy will pick you both up soon.” I know Rachel isn’t their real Auntie but we stayed good friends and she is one of the most prominent female figures in their lives, so she still got the name. And I mean who knows better than her what’s it like having two dads?

“We will daddy, and I will make sure Elizabeth doesn’t draw on her walls like she did on ours last week, as I’m a big boy and I know that’s naughty.” I can’t help but chuckle even if I had been mortified when I saw the wall.

“That’s right you are a big boy, daddy loves you both see you soon.” I give each of them a kiss before allowing Rachel to take them. Telling her that I have no idea how long this talk might take, and would she be willing to have our children all day if it’s needed. Of course she agreed straight away.

I didn’t waste any time. I decided that I would go and wake Blaine straight away. I couldn’t keep letting this crack in our relationship get any bigger.

I walk into the bedroom and sit on the bed.

“Blaine, Blaine honey it’s time to wake up,” I say softly. I want him to wake up gently: I need him in a good mood for this chat.

“Um, what am I late for work,” he mumbles.

“No, it’s Sunday but we need to talk,” I say softly really hoping he doesn’t take the funnies.

“Um, ok let me shower and I’ll be up,” he mumbles again, and I decide that it probably is a good idea, for him to wake up more and allow me to make a pot of coffee and some pancakes for breakfast.

Half an hour later, Blaine joins me in the kitchen, and I’m feeling really nervous. I have tried a few times to speak to him, but every time it hasn’t ended well.

“Where are Thomas and Elizabeth?” he asks sitting down at the table. I have to stop myself scoffing at him, so he’s worried now they aren’t here.

“I’ve asked Rachel to look after them for a few hours. We need to talk Blaine.” I pour us both a coffee, and set a plate in front of him hoping that we can talk over breakfast.

“Blaine, I want to talk to you, but I really need you to listen before jumping down my throat,” I am so nervous about this; I know I need it to go well to help our relationship and our family. “I’m worried about you; you’ve been so distant lately. I know you work hard, I don’t deny that for a second, but our family is suffering.” I look up at Blaine, and his face is pretty much unreadable, so I continue. “I mean, it’s been so long since you have been here to have dinner with us, and our children miss you. Thomas keeps asking after you and you keep breaking your promises to him, and I hate to say it but Elizabeth went to Rachel today with much less fuss that she normally goes to you, her own papa. Do you realise how much that kills me Blaine?”

I hear Blaine sigh so I stop speaking to allow him to do so. “I can’t win with you can I Kurt? I work so that we can have a good life as a family and I’m in the wrong.” I can see the anger in his eyes, and have to remind myself to stay calm.

“But Blaine don’t you understand that is the point, we are not having a good life. Our children miss their papa. I know it’s nice to be able to have money but we were getting on comfortably before you started working so much more. We were so much happier when we got family time. You and I haven’t had quality time together in so long.” I just hope that something I say is getting through to him; I don’t want our family to fall apart.

“Oh don’t put that all on me Kurt, you are always working on those dam designs of yours at night, so how can we get any time.” I can’t believe what I am hearing; he is trying to blame me for this?

“The only reason I have to work so late is because you are never here to put the children to bed, or to help cook dinner, or play with them. If you did that even two or three nights a week I could get to bed at a nice time much more often. Do you think I want to spend hours at night working, because I haven’t had time to do it in the day, as my husband is absent?” I see him shaking his head at me, but continue anyway the flood gates have opened and I can’t help myself. “I wish more than anything I could come to bed and have quality time with my husband, but you’re often so absent. I want nothing more than to once a month go out for dates with you again, but you are always so damn busy.”

“I am busy working to support this family so don’t play the guilt card Kurt. I may be absent some times, but I make sure my children are clothed and fed.” Blaine says raising his voice, and I can’t help but raise mine back, and even if I didn’t want to. I can’t help it as his words really sink and I realise that he called our children solely his, especially with how absent he is lately.

“NO! We make sure our children are clothed and fed, I work and earn just and much if not more than you. You need to start thinking about what’s important.” Tears enter my eyes but I refuse to let them fall.

“Maybe what I want is a husband who isn’t on my fucking back all the fucking time,” Blaine screams, getting up from the kitchen table and knocking his chair over on the way out. Throughout all our talks about Blaine’s distance he has never stormed out like this. I can’t keep the tears at bay and they are soon spilling over, there are so many thoughts running around my head, the only thing I hear from Blaine is the front door slamming behind him signalling he’s gone out.

I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. That maybe I haven’t show Blaine how loved he is, that maybe I was working too hard before this to make him act like this, that maybe I have change appearance wise since we got married making Blaine’s feeling for me different. I really don’t know but what else can it be but something that I’ve done to make Blaine act so differently.  I place my head in my hands and allow the tears to flow, because really what else can I do right now. I’ve tried talking to Blaine, and once again it has failed me. Right now while I don’t have to worry about controlling myself around our children I let the tears flow.

After a while I still feel just as crap as I did when Blaine left. And there is no sign of him coming back, so I guess he’s gone down to the studio to practice dance moves, or to the gym to let out his ‘anger’ on a punch bag. I don’t understand why he is the angry one in all this, and I just still don’t know what to do any more, so I do the only thing I can think of and I decide to ring my father.

He picks up after just a few rings

“Hey kiddo,” he says cheerily as he answers his phone, and at the sound of his voice I can’t help but let out a sob. “Kurt…Kurt…Kurt what’s up,” my dad says trying to calm me down, but in a way hearing his voice makes it so much worse.

“Dad, I….I…I don’t know what to do any more,” I say between sobs.

“Kiddo, I want to help you but I can’t if you don’t tell me what’s up. You need to calm down and tell me what’s wrong.”

I listen to him, and try and calm myself down, I need my dad’s help right now, and he is right he can’t help if he doesn’t know what the problem is.

“Right Dad, I need you to listen to me before you try and say anything, I know that maybe I should have told you something before but I couldn’t.” I know my dad will worry the moment I tell him what’s going on. I know he loves Blaine like a son, so it won’t worry him just because of me, Elizabeth and Thomas, but he will also worry about what is causing Blaine to be so distant.

“There are a few problems with Blaine and me at the moment,” I sigh. “When I say at the moment I mean they must have been going on for a good few weeks.” I pause because who am I kidding, “No not weeks either months really.  I don’t know what’s wrong with him; he has been spending progressively less and less time with Elizabeth, Thomas and me.” I try and think of all of the things he’s let us down with over the last few weeks. “He hasn’t been at dinner with us for over two weeks, and before that he wasn’t here nowhere near as much as he should be. He keeps promising Thomas they will go to the movies and he hasn’t taken him, and he keeps promising he will be home to put them to bed, gosh I can’t remember the last time he put them to bed. I also wonder if Elizabeth knows who he is, she won’t call him papa, and every time I say it she shakes her head and screams dada at me. He was never like this when Thomas was little and he wasn’t when Elizabeth was first born. What am I doing wrong dad?” It’s times like this where I wish I was still back in Lima, Ohio no matter how homophobic of a place it is. I can feel the tears running down my cheeks but I try and keep my voice calm.

“Kurt stop. Do not start blaming yourself for this. I know I haven’t got even part of the story but you are not the one who isn’t seeing your children. Have you tried speaking to Blaine about all this? You and I both know this is nothing like Blaine.”

“I tried; I tried just now that’s why I ended up ringing you dad. I got Rachel to have the children so we could talk to each other, and he started trying to put it on to me. He was saying that at least he provided clothes and food for his children, like they were nothing to do with me. That maybe he didn’t want a husband who was on his back all the time. I only do it because I love him, I love our family, but I don’t love what it’s becoming.  But yes this isn’t the first time I’ve talked to Blaine, must be at least the fifth time, but he reacted so badly this time, he stormed out and he hasn’t come back, I can only guess he’s gone to work or to the gym.”

“Kurt, I really don’t know what to say. I’m just glad your kids weren’t there to see it. This isn’t fair on them, and it isn’t fair on you either.” I hear my father take a deep breath from the other side of the phone. “I hate to asked Kurt but….but.”

“Just say it Dad,” I say, I know what he’s thinking but to hear someone else say what I’m beginning to believe will make it all seem so much more real.

“You don’t think he could be cheating on you again do you? I am sorry to bring it up kiddo but it’s so unlike Blaine.”

“It’s okay Dad, I’ve been wondering the same myself a lot more recently. I don’t want to believe it. I mean, there were so many reasons he went with Eli and it was just the once, but I can’t help but let the fear creep in. I mean ever since I took him back all those years ago I have never allowed myself once, to think he might be cheating on me. I’ve trusted him, but after so long I just don’t know what to do. I will under no circumstances come out and accuse him of it, unless I have proof but I just…I can’t stop the thoughts running around my mind.”

“I know kiddo, I know. You are doing really well keeping this all together. I wish I was there with you to help, but I’m not, so for now all I can say is keep trying with Blaine, little things that don’t make it too obvious what you’re doing to see if you can try and get him back a bit. Most of all though, you need to focus on keeping yourself healthy. Don’t over work yourself, I know what you’re like, and look after the kids.” Sometime during the conversation I had stopped crying, my dad always seems to have a calming effect on me. Probably something to do with the fact he brought me up alone for close to 10 years.

“I will do Dad, thank you. I’m sorry to bother you.” I do always feel bad for having to get my dad involved.

“Nonsense, you’re my son and it affects my grandchildren too. You know I’m always here for you, and I want a phone call in no longer than a week’s time so I know how things are getting on. I love you Kurt.”

“Love you too Dad.” I put the phone down and allow myself to think. I’ve tried the not too obvious attention thing, but it hasn’t worked, but things are bad enough I suppose it can’t hurt to try again. I decided to get some of my work done before picking up the children, so when Blaine does come home we can be in bed together.