Kurt’s POV

I know that now that Thomas is allowing me some time to myself, I need to get some work done. Isabelle has given me enough trust to come back to Lima and still get work done, and I have to prove that she was right to do that. I have been back in Lima close to three weeks now, and in all that time I have been able to put in 10 hours of work, and have only got three designs sent off to Isabelle. And I know that is nowhere near enough. I am coming up to when I would have been coming back to Lima for a holiday anyway. Now I have a feeling I am going to be working through a good deal of that. I can’t do anything else, as I refuse to let Isabelle down. I know it probably means I will end up working at silly times of the day like now, at 4.30 on a Monday morning, but what else can I do. I need to work, but my children still need my attention.

I’ve always known that my job would require a lot of careful planning and juggling, due to everything involved. However, that doesn’t make it easy when everything is thrown off, and it isn’t a job in which I can afford to get behind. Fashion runs with seasons and they wait for no one. I have no idea how I would be coping if Thomas still wanted to be by my side every second of the day.

I load up my laptop because, before I do anything, I need to get the feedback from Friday’s meeting. See what happened or didn’t happen and get the feedback about my previous designs. I need to see if Isabelle wants any changes making to them. I know that if Isabelle suggests changes, it means she wants changes quickly. Her asking for changes normally means that she wants to proceed with an idea but just thinks a few minor things will make a design much better. She’s a good boss in this respect; even when she does ask for changes she still gives with the artist licence with the changes. It still amazes me sometimes how I went from a young Lima, Ohio boy with dreams of being on Broadway, and within a few months of being in New York, I had dreams to be a well know designer. And I must say I am accomplishing that quite well.

I load up my email, and I instantly have to do a double take, because there is no way that Blaine would have sent me an email, especially not to my work email. However when I look again I am correct I have an email with no subject title from Blaine, sent to me late on Friday. I thought that I would be excited at the prospect of Blaine contacting me. Instead I’m pretty apprehensive, because, really, why would he contact me by email? After everything that has happened, why hasn’t he called or something instead? I don’t get why he is contacting my by a means I know that he really doesn’t like.

I just sit and stare at the screen for a while, unsure if I truly want to know what is included in that email. But I know that really I have to. No matter what Blaine has written, I know that I need to know. I know only too well that what Blaine has included in the email could have a large effect on the future of our relationship, and that’s what makes it so scary. However it is for the same reason that I know I have to open it.

I take a deep breath and open the email. I have to close my eyes to relax myself before I open them to read what is written.

“Kurt,

I know this isn’t how I should be explaining any of this to you, but I can’t do anything else right now.”

And no this probably isn’t how he should be explaining anything to me, especially after the way he has treated me and our children, but the thought of him explaining anything right now seems like such a big step. A step that terrifies me as in some ways; I wish I didn’t have to know what was going on. I know I do, however. I want any chance of being able to make this marriage work.

“Read what’s in the file and I hope you may realize, even if you don’t fully understand, what I’ve been doing.”

I look at the top of the screen, and see the file he is talking about for the first time. What strikes me instantly as strange is the name of the file. I am pretty sure it’s written in Italian, and from what I know the only two people Blaine ever speaks to in Italian are his parents. I also didn’t think he had any contact with his parents since before Thomas was born. Before that we tried to let them be involved but they just couldn’t seem to accept him, or us, or our relationship together.

“I am probably being a coward, but I can’t be there when you realize what’s been happening.”

Right now, I am not going to judge him on whether he is being a coward; I’m just not like that. At the moment, I actually feel like he is being braver than he has so far in all of this. At least he is willing to let me know what the problem is, which is so much more progress than I expected yet. I do have to wonder, however, what made him change his mind.

“But I promise, unless I hear from you telling me otherwise, I will be in Lima in a few days.

Blaine x”

And at that my heart speeds up. I know that what I read in the file may not be pleasant; it could reveal any number of things that could put further strain on our relationship. But I’ve just read something telling me my husband is making the effort to come to Lima for us. And no matter what, with how bad everything has been recently, that feels like its own miracle. I would have thought that I would have wanted to open the folder straight away, but I don’t because I am too nervous. I am worried about what that file may reveal about my husband, or our relationship.

I just allow myself to sit for a while, calming myself down. I re-read the email a few times, allowing the words to sink in. I know that Blaine, for whatever reason, has at least been strong enough to decide to send me the email. After a while my curiosity does take over and I do open the file. However it hits me instantly that this situation could be more detailed than I imagined. Within the folder is so many more documents than I had imagined, all numbered and dated. I’m not however, surprised to see that the dates go back to just before me and Blaine started having problems in this relationship. That pretty much confirms to me that whatever I read in here is going to be what caused all these problems within our marriage.

In a way I want to jump to the final few documents to see if it allows me to get the information any quicker. However, I know that Blaine will have sent everything over for a reason. I know that, for this reason, I have to read everything he has sent me in order. It may mean that it takes longer for me to get to the bottom of anything, but I know it means I will get the full picture Blaine wants.  What is instantly obvious to me is that the documents are written in Italian, so this once again makes me wonder if this has something to do with Blaine and his parents. I do however notice that underneath there seems to be an English translation of what is written above, and if I am correct Blaine will have translated himself. We were messing around with the Italian once and Blaine pointed out all the errors that were made when computers were allowed to translate, due to position of different words in both languages. 

Dear Blaine,

                                I am sure you didn’t think you would be hearing for me again, and honestly I didn’t expect to be contacting you. However, it has recently come to my attention that it clearly wasn’t enough for you to marry that fag you call a husband. I recently found out that I happen to be a grandfather, to the children the two of you decided to bring into the world. You have always known I don’t agree with who or what you are, and I most certainly don’t agree with who you married. However, I would have through you would have let your stupidity end there. You made this family unhappy enough, and now you’ve had your own to make unhappy. Maybe I need to break up this little family, like you broke up ours?

Dad

And I don’t know how many times I have to stop while reading that, but I know that for most of it I didn’t get past a line at a time. I soon realize that I am crying. Because really how is anyone meant to read that? Especially with knowing it was sent to my husband by his father. I feel sick because we made the decision not to let his parents know about our children not because with didn’t want them to know, or because we know they are homophobic, but because they didn’t seem bothered about being part of Blaine’s life anyway. From when he moved to New York they seemed to stop caring about him. Of course they were invited to our wedding and his graduation, but they didn’t bother turning up to either. I decide that I need to look at the next document to get any more idea what is going on here.

Dad,

                                Stop, I am not having you do this to me again. I know you have never accepted me, from the moment Cooper accidentally outed me to you and Mom. I know you never will accept who I am. I have also come to accept that. I was hard for me as I grew up not having the father I should have, but I have grown past that now. However, I will not have you say anything about my husband or my family. My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met. And yes he is so much more of a man that you will ever be. And he most certainly isn’t close minded like you.

Blaine

And I am sobbing again because seeing Blaine defending us like that makes my heart swell. Knowing that Blaine would defend us to his father like that means so much. I didn’t meet Richard Anderson many times, but the times I did, I most certainly didn’t like the way he treated Blaine. I didn’t care about how he treated me really, but seeing the way he treated his own son, it just killed me.

Our children are happy and loved. And that is saying something, because I know that from the minute I came out to you, you stopped loving me. But I know that Kurt loves me and I love Kurt and we both love our children.

And seeing that is nice but is also hurts. I am trying to work out what is going on because he wrote to his father telling him he loved me and the children, but slowly from around this point he started acting less and less like he loved me.

We didn’t tell you about our children, because you didn’t want to be part of my life. They are our children and that is our decision. I don’t know why you are doing this now but I do know I will not let you pull my family apart.

Blaine

Reading the end of this I sob harder than I have yet. There is such irony in that last sentence, because something changed and he did let his family get pulled apart. Or he pushed it apart himself. And I know that right now I can’t read any more, because it’s too early and I am too emotional right now. The fact that I am sobbing more than I feel like I have over this whole mess so far, kind of proves it.

However suddenly there is a knock at the door, and my dad enters the room. “You okay, bud?” he asks me instantly. And now I feel awful for waking him. “And before you say anything you didn’t wake me. I was up and getting ready for work.” My dad walks over and places his hand on my shoulder. “What’s going on Kurt?”

I want to tell him, but right now I don’t even know myself. Right now, I need some time to think. I need some time to allow me to pull myself together, because I need to get through the rest of what I’ve been sent by Blaine. If he really is coming to Lima, I at least want to know the full story by then.

“I just need some time alone right now,” I tell him honestly. “Blaine emailed me. And well, it’s just touching a few nerves. I need to be able to just sort a few things out in my head. I love you dad. But honestly, this time, I really do need time on my own.” I explain, taking hold of his hand that’s still on my shoulder.

“Ok Kurt. I love you too,” my dad says gently. “I will leave you to sort this out now, just look after yourself. And take things at a pace you can handle. I hate seeing you like this son.” And I can hear the honesty in his voice. He walks away and leaves me back to my own thoughts. I know for sure that I am going to go through a lot more heartbreak before I get to the end of the messages between Blaine and his father. But I know that it’s something I am willing to do for the love of my life. If only to see him tell his father he loves me one more time. Even if it’s the last time he ever said it. At least I know that if he is telling his father so, he really meant it at that moment.

Once my dad leaves I do give myself a bit of time. I just allow myself to think and then I decide that I am just going to do it. I am going to read all of the files, which I am guessing are all between Blaine and his Father.

As I read them I notice that Richard gets progressively more threatening towards Blaine, me and our children. And I understand why Blaine started to pull away now. It wasn’t because of me, but because of his own fear of getting hurt. If he fears that he is going to get hurt, he doesn’t pull away just from that source but everything that could potentially cause him pain. I can also tell when there is a change in Blaine, from a Blaine who is trying to stand up for his family against his father, and back to the high school boy who put on the façade of being confident, but who was actually being scarred every day by the actions and words of his own parents.

As I open the final file I wonder what is going to be different in this than any of the others, and I wonder why whatever is enclosed in there never got a reply. I open it and allow myself to read.

I think I showed you today that I mean business, so don't push me. If I am not afraid to injure the person who was once my son, trust me I have no reservations about doing it to a fag or his children.

Richard

And I know why there wasn’t a reply, because Richard had finally broken down all of Blaine walls. And I know instantly what Richard did to him. I remember the day clearly. Blaine came home with his ribs strapped up, telling me that a boxing bout at the gym got out of hand. I know without a doubt that there was no boxing bout, and that it was actually Richard Anderson who injured Blaine that day. I start to understand what’s been going on these past few months. Blaine’s been hurting, and he didn’t want me or the children to get hurt. But at the same time he was losing control of his own life, and he didn’t know how to deal with that. So, instead of letting his father drive us out, he chose to do it himself. He wanted to keep that control of his own life, a control I know his parents had for a very long time. And it’s only now that I fully understand Blaine’s first email. I understand why he couldn’t be here when I found all this out. And I do realize what he’s been doing, even if, as he said, I can’t fully understand it yet.