Blaine POV

I thought it would get easier after a few days, as I got used to Kurt and the children not being around. I don’t know who I was trying to convince though, because if anything it’s gotten harder. The emptiness just seemed to multiply as the days went on. Yes, I could come home from work at a normal hour of day, but what was the point when Kurt and the children weren’t there to greet me?

I know I kind of only have myself to blame, but what was I meant to do? What kind of husband and father would I be if I let my children be in danger? Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t stop the fact I feel awful about having driven my husband and children out of here, but I did do it for them.

The fact that it’s getting close to my son’s birthday doesn’t help. I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. And honestly it has to be one of the happiest days of my life. I remember the joy both Kurt and I felt at having been able to achieve something so amazing with the world against us. And we felt like nothing could bring us down. I guess that had been wrong. It’s amazing the kind of things that can make you feel you have to chase your own husband and children away.

Suddenly I am pulled from my thoughts, when there is a knock on the door. I really don’t want to answer the door, because I’ve been sitting here in sweatpants with my hair ungelled all day, seeing as I had the day off work. Regardless, I know I need to see who it is. I pull the door open and am faced with two of the last people I expected right now, Wes and his wife, Melissa.

“Guys, what are you doing here?” I question, as right now I really do not want or need them here.

“Blaine,” is all Wes replies at first and I can tell by his expression that he’s shocked.  “We’re here because the four of us are meant to be going out. Us two with you and Kurt,” Wes explains. And shit, how am I meant to get out of this one? I also know my face falls when Wes mentions Kurt’s name, because really it’s not like it’s been used to much recently. Really Wes knows me too well and I know I need to get rid of him before he works out something is wrong. I suppose that is one problem of having a good friend that’s stayed with me since high school.

I guess I must be thinking for too long though, as Wes starts up again. “Blaine what’s going on?”

“I er nothing um…” and really why do I have to lose my composure now?

“Blaine let me in,” Wes demands, leaving no place for me to argue, and I know if I don’t step back he will push past me anyway. “Melissa, darling, would you mind going to the car for me for five minutes so I can speak to Blaine?” he asks. She nods and turn towards the car; as she does so I step back allowing Wes to enter the house.

I walk into the living room, guessing Wes will follow, trying to think of anything that I can tell him to get him off my back about this. One major problem is that I know Wes knows that there is no way Kurt would easily forget something like this. Kurt never forgets anything like this.  I sit down on the couch and just as I suspected Wes sits down on the arm chair across from me. He doesn’t say anything he just sits there looking at me as if waiting for me to speak. And really I am not about to do that. Because, I can at least hope I will be able to answer his questions more convincingly than I will just be able to roll off an excuse.

After a few minutes of silence Wes speaks up. “Blaine, what is going on?” he asks again.

“Nothing’s going on. Why would it be?” I ask turning the question around. Hoping that maybe I will be able to hide this from him. If I can hide this all from my husband, I can keep it from my best friend surely.

“Ok Blaine, I will ask it like this,” he states simply. “Where is Kurt?”

And I know that if I play this cool I may somehow be able pass it off as Kurt being away on business. Yes, that should work. It would explain why Kurt forgot the meet up between the four of us, and it will also explain why Kurt is not here.

“He’s gone away for work,” I tell him quickly. “Isabelle asked him last minute when someone had to pull out due to illness. He’s gone to Paris for two weeks.” I can’t look at Wes as I speak. Instead I fiddle with the hem of my Henley.

We sit in silence for a few minutes and at first I think that maybe he is going to buy the story and decide that he and Melissa should go out together.

“Blaine!” And I know that tone only too well. It’s a tone that says that he isn’t going to put up with this crap for much longer. He used to use it quite often when the Warblers would get out of hand. “I’ve known Kurt for almost as long as I’ve known you. I might not know him quite as well as I do you, but even I know he doesn’t take all his shoes on a work trip. And most of his shoes from your hallway are gone. Where is your husband?” And it’s all the tone in which he says it. I break. Because honestly even if I wanted to, I can’t do this anymore. The walls started to crack as soon as Kurt left and I should have known it wouldn’t take much to have them crumbling around me. I’ve been living in fear and hiding for the past 6 months and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t cope with the fact that my husband and children have gone and I’m left on my own. I feel the sofa sink and I’m in Wes’ arms and from there I can’t stop the words that tumble out of my mouth.

“He’s gone. They’re gone. All three of them. He took the children back to Lima.” I choke out, because there is such a difference knowing it for myself and actually saying it out loud to somebody.

“Blaine, what do you mean they are gone?” Wes questions much more gently now. He knows me too well and he knows he’s broken my walls, so he knows I should speak now.

“He left me.” I state and ouch that hurt. I feel like someone is ripping my heart in two. Because really that’s what he has done. “And it’s all my fault.” I sob again. Wes pulls away from me and grabs hold of my shoulder forcing me to look at him. I hate the way he is looking at me. I feel like he is trying to look into my soul, and I know he knows there is more to all of this. I try and hold it in because I know I can’t tell anyone about this. But I can’t do it. I need to. I need to break. I need my best friend right now. No, I need my husband, but I’ve driven him away. So Wes is the best I am going to get right now, and maybe it will help to have him onside.

I take a deep breath before starting. “I was trying to protect him and the children. I thought it would be better when he left, but I can’t do it, Wes. No matter how safe it makes him, I can’t have my husband thinking I don’t love him. Gosh Wes how did I let this get so messed up?” I want to keep rambling but Wes holds his hands up to silence me. I can see the sorrow and confusion across his face and just hope he doesn’t run out on me now. Now that my walls are down, it won’t take much for me to end up over the edge.

“Blaine, as much as I am glad you are speaking, you are being kind of cryptic. Just take a few calming breaths, okay? And I am going to go get you a glass of water; I’m not leaving you like this.”

I allow Wes to walk away, and do as he says. I take a few deep breaths, trying to allow the air to calm me. I am surprised that I have managed to hold on this long. I should have known all along that I would break. That’s the problem with me. While my husband is such an amazing and courageous man, I am weak.

Wes is back quickly, handing me a glass of water, which I take a few sips from, as Wes sits himself back down next to me. “Blaine, you said you were trying to protect Kurt and the children. What from exactly? I know you don’t mean from yourself.” And I can hear the honesty in his voice but I can’t tell him because what kind of person would I be if my best friend knew the full story before my husband, the one I had hurt in all this.

“I can’t Wes. I know I’ve fucked up but I can’t tell you before I tell Kurt. I know that even after I do, I will probably never get him back. But I’ve broken now, and I can’t tell him before you.” And right now I don’t want to have to tell Wes. More than anything right now, I want my husband. I know I don’t deserve him and will probably never have him again, but it’s who I need.

 “Blaine what do you mean before you tell Kurt? I don’t understand how he can’t know, if he left.” 

I close my eyes and sigh, because really am I about to reveal this to Wes? “He didn’t leave because of the problem. He left because I didn’t tell him what was up. Instead I pushed him away. I pushed him away and I pushed our kids away. But I did it because I was trying to protect them, Wes. Not because I don’t love them.” And I do love them, more than the world.

“Blaine, what haven’t you told him? Because whatever it is, I can tell it’s killing you. I’ve never seen you like this. And we have known each other for such a long time.”

“Wes I can’t tell you. I couldn’t even tell Kurt, and that caused this. I cannot tell you before him. I don’t even know if I can tell him, even now. I want to but he’s going to hate me and it’s all my fault.” And I know I am starting to panic but thinking in real context and actually talking to someone about losing Kurt makes it all so much more real.  

“Blaine calm down. I don’t know what is going on here but I know you love Kurt and I know Kurt loves you. And it’s for that reason that no matter what is going on here, you need to tell him. I know you said that you were trying to protect him and the kids. And I believe that you really did think that was what you were doing. However, can’t you see from where you are now, that maybe that isn’t working? That maybe you do need to tell Kurt?” And I want to believe him, but I can’t. Because I hurt him again; the man I love and I did this to him. And for what? Because I was fucking scared. Gosh honestly, I’ve always been scared.

“I can’t Wes. I mean it. I really can’t. Even if I wanted to.” And I can hear the tears shining in my eyes again.

“Blaine, listen to me. I know this is going to be hard, but you have to tell him. Do you really want to lose him?”

“God no,” I almost scream, because is he crazy? Wes should know that that is the last thing I want to do. He is my world. I would have stopped living a long time ago without him.

“Well, that is exactly why you have to tell him, no matter what it is. If you don’t, you really will lose him. And I know you don’t like it being brought up, but one of the reasons he was able to forgive you after you cheated on him was because you were honest with him. No matter what it is, at least give the two of you a chance to sort things out and talk to him.” It’s said gently and I allow myself to think about the meaning before replying.

“You’re right Wes. I do need to tell him. But I can’t be there when I do it. I just can’t. I can’t be there to see his face when he realizes what is going on.” Even picturing what his face might be like, makes me feel like I’m dying. There is no way I can see reality.

“What about ringing him then? It isn’t like you can get to Lima right now anyway.”

“No, I can’t speak to him at all when he finds out about this. You know how much emotion shows in Kurt’s voice.” That was one of the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place; the emotion in his voice when he was singing about a dead bird of all things.  

“Okay, calm down. Do you have any idea how to tell him?” And I do. I know it’s probably the worst way ever, but it’s all I can do. I stand from the sofa and walk over to the table and sit down in front of my laptop, opening it as I do so. I pull up an email. I know what I want to say, but I just can’t get my fingers to cooperate.

After a while Wes walks over and sits down next to me. Really I don’t know how he is putting up with me right now.  “Blaine,” He addresses me gently. “You can do this.” But I can’t, so I shake my head, almost admitting defeat. “Do you want me to write for you?” I don’t answer. I just push the laptop towards him, hoping this will work. I see Wes nod and start to tell him exactly what to write.

“Kurt,

I know this isn’t how I should be explaining any of this to you, but I can’t do anything else right now. Read what’s in the file and I hope you may realize, even if you don’t fully understand, what I’ve been doing. I am probably being a coward, but I can’t be there when you realize what’s been happening. But I promise, unless I hear from you telling me otherwise, I will be in Lima in a few days.

Blaine x”

 “Attach the file entitled ‘minacce’ but please respect me and don’t look inside of it. And send it to Kurt before I can stop you, or myself.” I tell him knowing that the likelihood is he wouldn’t try to anyway. He follows what I told him and soon clicks the send button. And while I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulder, I also feel the fear coursing through my body.

Soon I notice Wes is looking at me and I know that face. He wants to ask me something. “Ask me Wes.” I tell him, having an idea what he’s about to say.

“I hate to ask, and please don’t take it wrong, but you haven’t cheated on Kurt again, have you?” and his voice is timid as he asks but I can’t blame him for being suspicious.

“No, I couldn’t. That was the biggest mistake of my life, apart from this. But I haven’t done it again. No matter what happens, I know I love him too much to do that to him again.” I just hope that when I do get to Lima Kurt is willing to at least talk to me. I know I deserve to, but I’m not ready to lose him. Now I’ve had a taste of what that could really be like.