Kurt’s POV

Sitting in the car on the way to Fort Wayne, I still wonder how Finn managed to talk me into this. Because anyone who knows me, knows only too well that I do not do Zoos. I am not against going out and having a good time with my children, but I have never been a person that has really agreed very much with zoos. However, the conversation with my dad had been playing in my head and I realize I did really need to stop for a while.

I understand now that if I keep panicking about Blaine, when I am not in a good place because of his behaviour, I am either going to make myself ill or crazy, or maybe both. And I have to admit a week later and it is starting to get a bit easier. Yes, it’s still difficult knowing that I haven’t seen my husband for over two weeks, and that I have only spoken to him once in that time. But I know right now I need to try and focus on other things. I realize the person I need to focus on is me, and I know the best way for me to do that is to focus on the best things in my life right now; my children. I think that is why I allowed Finn to talk me into the zoo trip. Because really, I am not coming here for me; I am coming here for the children, especially Thomas. He has wanted to come back here ever since my dad and Finn brought him last year; I have just never been willing to do so. Elizabeth went last time too, but I am hoping this time she is at an age where she will understand more of the animals and not just want to sleep; which is apparently all she wanted to do last time.

It’s strange though, coming out for a day trip with my brother. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s an amazing uncle. He really is. But if anyone would have told me when I first ‘met’ Finn, when he was helping the other jocks throw me in dumpsters, that I would be here with him now, like this, I would have probably told them they were delusional. Back then, Finn was the classic ‘top jock dating the head cheerleader’ kind of boy. The one everyone expects to get a semi okay job, get married and have a classic two child family. Things have been anything but that for Finn. It’s still weird thinking I got married and ended up with children before he did. I’m kind of glad though. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Rachel to pieces. But as a couple they really didn’t work well together. Having said all of that, I am really quite happy with how things worked out. Yes, we had our problems but now I wouldn’t be surprised if people that didn’t know us back then just think we are proper brothers. And really, to us, we are now.

“Kurt, stop daydreaming and get out of the car. I may be the fun uncle but that doesn’t mean I have any idea how to put Lizzie’s stroller up.” I hear Finn say, and I had no idea we had arrived already.

“I’m coming Finn. If you wouldn’t mind, would you get Thomas out of the car please?” I ask, hoping that Thomas will allow Finn to do that. While I can try not to focus on Blaine at the moment, that doesn’t mean that I can’t still see the cracks his distance has caused, as Thomas will still not leave my side.  I think that is another reason I agreed to come here today. I’m hoping that perhaps Thomas will feel comfortable enough to maybe hold Finn’s hand or just feel like he doesn’t have to be right next to me for at least some part of the day. I love him so much, and I love the fact he does want to be close to me, but I don’t like the reasons behind it. I don’t like the fact that he is scared I am going to leave him any second. And honestly even I need 5 minutes to myself sometimes. Because no matter how strong I am trying to be I don’t always succeed and sometimes I just need a few moments to pull myself together and make myself realize that somehow this will work out. I don’t know how it is all going to work out and I don’t know what the final outcome is going to be but I know somehow I am going to get through it all.

I get out of the car and swiftly put up Elizabeth’s stroller. I have no doubt that she is going to want to walk at times today but I am not willing to come out for the whole day without it. I am happy to see when I go to place Elizabeth in the stroller that Thomas is holding onto the handle. Which means he at least let his Uncle Finn get him out of the car. He may have gone straight to the place he knew I would be but at least it is some sort of progress that he didn’t scream for me to get him out of the car.

At 12.30 we decided that it is probably time to sit down and have lunch. I decided to bring a picnic because I am really not keen on my children eating some of the rubbish I know they serve at places like this. However it comes with its own bonus, as it allowed us to just stop on the grass near the park and lay out the picnic blanket. Finn doesn’t even seem to mind the fact I made up food for him too, meaning he can’t have any of the horrible chips I know he really likes.

“Thank you for getting me to come here today, Finn. I’m having a really good time,” and honestly, I am. I am surprised it isn’t a little busier but I am kind of glad. Thomas has stayed by my side all day but he seems to have come out of his shell a tiny bit. While he won’t let go of my hand, he has been getting excited and telling and showing his uncle Finn some of the animals. To be honest Finn has just turned into a big kid since we arrived. I know he loves places like this, and he really is letting that inner child come out.

“No problem, I thought you might enough getting out properly for the day. And I love spending time with my niece and nephew,” he replies back easily. We eat in relative silence for a while with only the occasion question from Thomas or Elizabeth about wanting more food. But I don’t mind as it isn’t an unhappy kind of quiet. It’s just right. And hearing the rush going on around us actually makes it seem quite calming. After a while, Thomas makes it clear he has finished by passing me his plate to put back into the picnic hamper.

“Good boy,” I praise him for not just leaving it lying around, “however we can’t continue looking around until we have all finished. So you will have to wait,” I tell him gently.

It’s a while before I get a reply, and when I do I am kind of shocked. “Daddy, can I go and play on the climbing frame while you all finish eating?” he asks me. I only just manage to stop myself choking on the tomato I have just placed in my mouth, because while I had been hoping he would stop being quite so clingy, I hadn’t expected him to ask to go and play without me today.

“Of course you can, just stay where daddy or Uncle Finn can see you though, ok?”

“Alright Daddy,” he replies, and with that he is up and running towards the climbing frame. I know the smile takes over my face but I can’t help it. I really am happy he is feeling a little bit better. I see Elizabeth yawn and decide to place her in her stroller for a nap.

“Seems this trip isn’t just benefiting you, huh?” Finn says to me, as I turn back to the food.

“No, I think it is doing him the world of good. I wasn’t quite expecting that much progress though,” I say honestly.

“Can I be honest with you?” Finn says back, and I nod. After all this time as brothers I like to think we can be honest with each other. “I think seeing you being slightly more relaxed is helping him. I don’t think he stays by your side just because he is scared you’re going to leave him. I think he is also just trying to make his daddy happy, since his papa isn’t.” I think about the words for a while, allowing myself to think of both mine and Thomas’ behaviour over the last few weeks, and beyond even. And well, maybe Finn has a point.

I look behind Finn, to see Thomas playing happily with another little boy who seems to be around his age, and my heart starts to beat that tiny bit faster, as I love seeing sights like that. I look back at my brother before speaking again. “You know what? I think you could be right Finn. If I think about it, it isn’t just here he’s been clingy. He’s been at his worst here, but even back in New York over the past few months, he been cuddling up to me more and stuff. I didn’t even think it could have anything to do with me and Blaine. I really do try not to let him be affected by it all. It’s hard though, you know? He’s such a damn perceptive child. I don’t want him to know how much I am hurting over this, and, in all honesty, I am hurting even more so than when he cheated on me. Because at least then, I knew what was going on. This time though, I am in the dark. But for some reason Thomas seems to just be picking up on everything.” And I didn’t mean to let all my feelings out to Finn, but it’s nice to be able to.

“I know it is Kurt. I’m not going to pretend I have any idea what you are going through, because I really don’t. All I know is that something is up, and Blaine isn’t being Blaine. I don’t know how this situation is going to play out, and I really hope that somehow you and Blaine can sort this out. But whatever happens I hope you know we will all be here for you.” And I can hear the sincerity in his voice.

“Thanks Finn, it means a lot.”

“I know, now come here,” Finn says opening his arms to give me a hug. It’s something that has gotten more common over the years, and sometimes it’s nice to have a bit of brotherly love.

The rest of the day goes really well, and Finn treats each of the children to a teddy from the gift shop. When we arrive home I notice that I can move around the house without Thomas needing to be by my side. And when my dad joins me in the kitchen before dinner, even he comments on it. I am however happy when it is finally time for me to go to sleep, because as much as I enjoyed the day I must say, it has worn me out. When I am climbing into bed, for the first time in a long time, I go to bed feeling that no matter what may happen from here on in somehow, with all the support I have, I will get through.