I wake up Sunday morning to find Thomas fast asleep in bed with me once again. Just like he had been every morning since my dad tried to get him to go downstairs without me. It doesn't take me long to realize why I woke up. I can hear the soft whimpering of Elizabeth coming from next door.

I creep out of the room, trying not to wake Thomas. It took me a good two hours to get him back to sleep after he brought himself into my room crying. I thought this whole being away from Blaine and broken promises would maybe help us all. Now I'm starting to wonder if I should have just stayed. I mean, I'd much rather feel hurt and let down myself instead of having my kids suffer. I thought I was doing the right thing after what Thomas asked me but maybe I was wrong.

I have managed to get in to Elizabeth while I've been mulling things over to myself, and as I lean over her cot to pick her up she gives me the most dazzling smile that just melts my heart.

"Dada," she says reaching out her arms for me to pick her up. And I do, swiftly pulling her close to me in a hug, allowing me to take in the scent of her baby shampoo.

"Hello princess, I see you don't think daddy needs any sleep either.” I say gently. Really I haven’t exactly been getting to sleep early since I have been here, and then with Thomas waking me up I can't have had more than 4 or 5 hours. Elizabeth doesn't answer just snuggles into me even further. I love the mornings when she's like this and wants to have cuddles with me rather than wriggling to get down and play.

I carry her out of the room, peeking my head back into my room to check on Thomas. When I am sure he's sleeping, I back out of the room leaving the door slightly open hoping I will be able to hear when he wakes up. I go downstairs with Elizabeth, deciding I might as well make myself a cup of coffee if I'm going to be up until at least 10 or 11 again tonight. Plus, I know Elizabeth won't say no to having me build towers with her for her to knock over.

I don't know exactly how long Elizabeth and I are sitting playing, other than I finished my coffee a while ago. When I suddenly hear the cry of "Daddy" from upstairs I know instantly that Thomas is panicking because I'm no longer in the room with him. I feel awful, but I don't know what else I can do. I know Elizabeth will wake Thomas if I take her in that room as soon as she gets up and that's not fair. But I also hate hearing Thomas cry like this for me because he's scared I've actually properly left him.

I pick Elizabeth up and walk quickly up the stairs and into the room, to see Thomas with tears streaming down his face. "Hey kiddo it's alright. Daddy didn't leave you; he was just downstairs playing with your sister," I try and reassure gently, as I sit on the bed and scoop him onto my lap to join Elizabeth. "Remember daddy isn't going to leave you; sometimes he just isn't always in the same room, ok?"

"Yes daddy," he sniffles in reply. "I love you daddy."

"And I love you Thomas, and your early morning riser of a sister." I say back, hoping it will calm him down more.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door, and that's when I realize all the noise must have woken Carole or my dad.

"Come in," I say wanting to apologize for waking them. Soon Carole peeks her head round the door.

"Morning,” she says gently. "Is everything ok?"

"Morning. Yes, it's fine. I'm sorry the noise woke you." I know it can't be nice being disturbed in your own house. "Thomas thought I'd left him again," I explain, knowing that she will understand straight away.

"That's alright. How about I help you with breakfast?" and I'm so glad I'm not on my own right now, as I just feel like everything is getting to be too much. I feel like no matter which way I turn things are somehow going to end up wrong. And I or my children or all of us will end up hurting.

That afternoon I know where I have to go; I need to see my mom. My dad is amazing and he really has been great these past few days; both he and Carole have. But sometimes you just need your mom. I feel lost and sometimes I feel like she is the only one who can bring me back.

I had been hoping to make this trip while my dad and Carole or Finn looked after the children, but I know by the fact Thomas hasn't left my side for anything all day, that isn't going to happen. I know I'm going to have to take him with me. While I wouldn't mind normally, we normally take a visit to her grave every time we're in Lima, there are just some things I can't talk to my mom about with my 5 year old son present. I just won't do it. But at least I can have a conversation with her in my head. I happy, yet surprised that after 22 years that I can still hear her voice just as I remember it before she died.

We arrive at the graveyard in Carole's car. I'm glad they are happy to let me lend one of their vehicles. It's just Thomas and me. Finn was happy to spend some time with his only niece. Thomas is sitting next to me holding the flowers he helped me pick out for my mom, his grandma. He knows who we are going to see; we have explained to him before that Carole isn't my real mom. That's why he calls her grandma Carole and not just Carole; he knows this is his real grandma.

The flowers we have picked out for her are white lilies. They always were her favourite flower. One of my favourite childhood memories is going every week with my dad to the florist to help him pick flowers for her. It was a special thank you for the wonderful Friday night dinner we know we would get. I know there weren't many occasions the flowers we got her weren't lilies.

I jump out of the car and walk around to get Thomas. I take his hand in mine as we walk the path I know only too well towards my mother's grave. What strikes me how similar this is from the first few times my dad and I visited her here. Him gripping my hand so I knew I wasn't alone. That's exactly what I'm doing to Thomas. But actually it seems to be reminding me that I'm not alone, because right now without Blaine that's exactly how I feel.

I know I've got my dad, Carole, Finn and our children, but I want Blaine. He loves me, or did love me, in a different way to any of the others. Because he wanted to love me, because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and without that I feel lost. After spending close to half your life with somebody it really is hard to be without them in such a big way. And yes it's scary but it really has been almost half my life. We met when I was 16 and got together when I was closer to 17 but I'm almost 30 so it really is a good proportion of my life. I've gotten used to him being there to just give me a hug or a kiss for no reason, or surprise me with my own flowers every week. But right now that's gone and I don't know what to do without it.

We arrive at my mother’s grave and still holding Thomas' hand I run my hand over the gold engraving on the white marble stone. The saying ‘you don't know what you've got until it's gone’ instantly comes to mine. And right now I'm talking about both my mom and Blaine; I could probably even use it on my dad as well.

When I was a child, before my mom died, I didn't realize people, especially parents, could just suddenly leave you. It's a harsh reality everyone learns at some point in their lives; I just learnt it earlier than many. I was also almost left by my dad in my junior year of high school, and that made me realize that in many ways I was taking him for granted, because really deep down our relationship was and still is sacred to me. And now I've lost Blaine. I always knew I loved him and would tell him so a good few times a day. I just didn't realize how wound into those little things of my day he really was. And without that, just like when I lost my mom and when my dad was lying in that hospital bed close to death, I feel empty. It took months for me to smile after losing my mom, and now it feels like hardly anything can make me smile, not even some of the things my children do that always used to make me smile. If I'm being honest with myself, I would say I could easily be classed as depressed. But right now I'm acting as a single father to my two children and I just can't allow myself to be. I can't stop because nothing around me stopping and my children need me.

"Hi mom," I say softly, as I sit on the ground. I’m glad it’s late July so the grass is dry. I don't know why, but when I am here I always talk out loud to my mom; it just feels more personal that way. "I've brought Thomas with me to see you," I speak, encouraging Thomas to sit on my lap. "He helped me pick you some flowers, lilies; I know they were always your favourite." I take hold of the flowers and unwrap them gently before offering them back to my son. I guide his hands carefully towards the gravestone and help to place the flowers down gently.

"Hello grandma. I got you these. I hope you like them," he says softly. I don't ever make him speak when we are here but I do make sure to give him time where he can do so, if he wants to. He may not say much but I know to him it means something.

“He’s growing up so fast, isn’t he? So is Elizabeth. Thomas starts first grade in September; I really don’t know where the time has gone. Just like I can’t believe it’s been almost 22 years since I last saw you. It feels like so long ago, mom. And so, so often I wish you were still here. I miss you so much. And I know people say it gets better but it doesn’t, not really. I have learnt to live with you not being here but that doesn’t make it any easier at all. I know that I will always miss you.” I like being able to just speak out to my mom, in the hope she can hear me. I let her know just a few things that are going off and how I’m feeling. However, I suddenly realize that it’s too quiet and I look down to see that Thomas has fallen asleep in my arms, probably due to his lack of sleep last night. Well, it wasn’t quite what I had planned but at least it means I can have that conversation with my mom.

“I didn’t plan on being back in Lima yet though mom. To be honest nothing in this is going how I planned. Things with Blaine aren’t going well, and well you know what I am like; I just needed to talk to my mom about it.” Sometimes I can just explain things to my mom better than I can my dad.

“I’m worried he doesn’t love me anymore mom, and I just feel so lost.  You know what I went through when he cheated on me all those years ago. I came down here every time I was home and told you about it. Well some people think he’s doing it again. I will admit the thought has crossed my mind, not because he has done it previously, but just because of the way he has been acting. I feel so lonely. I didn’t realize what a big hole would be left behind without him. I’ve come back to Lima without him, hoping that he might realize what’s he’s doing to me and the children. I mean, this boy in my arms even asked me if Blaine still loves him. While deep down I know he at least still loves the children, I am wondering if he still loves me anymore.” I love being able to sit here and just pour my heart out to my mom. It always helps me when I need to get stuff off my chest; even if I am getting no reply back, it allows me to clear my head.

“I came here thinking that maybe a break would help everyone. But it hurts mom. It’s hurting me because I’m not used to being without Blaine, and it’s hurting Thomas. He won’t leave my side; he is terrified I am going to leave him too. I just don’t know where to turn next. I am so confused. I really wish you were here to give me a hug right now. I don’t know what I am going to do if Blaine is cheating on me or does want us to end our relationship. I’m not ready to be a single parent mom. I love Blaine so much; I just wished he still loved me.” Thinking about Blaine’s love for me in past rather than present or future tense hurts, and I allow myself to cry. Really I haven’t been able to cry much since I have been here. I am the adult. I know I have to be at least somewhat responsible in this situation so I’ve had to stay strong. However, sometimes I just can’t stay strong anymore and even I need to break.