March 17, 2012, 2:16 p.m.
Fix a Heart: Chapter 1
M - Words: 1,055 - Last Updated: Mar 17, 2012 Story: Closed - Chapters: 3/? - Created: Mar 17, 2012 - Updated: Mar 17, 2012 245 0 6 0 0
The crimson red blood danced down my wrists down to the bathroom floor. A puddle of blood gathered on the tiles along with many tears. I put down the razor and thought to myself, why did I let Azimio and Karofsky get to me, why have I sunk so low that I started cutting. I feel so lonely. I have felt so depressed the last couple of weeks to be honest. I have thought about killing myself so many times. I have a drawer full of Tylenol PM's, they just lay there waiting for me to pop them into my mouth and just never wake up. I've had a lot of dreams about my funeral, my dad and Carole can't stop crying and Finn is just staring at my coffin trying to put together everything. Finn blames himself for not standing up for me. Tears slip out of Finn's eyes. That's usually when I wake up and end more depressed that I actually wasn't dead. I wish I could just join my mother in heaven.
It feels like there is a rain cloud over my head and it's never going away. I get up and put the razor in the drawer and put on the same outfit I had on yesterday. I don't care anymore. Fashion means nothing to me. My witty comments have disappeared. Altogether, I stopped being myself. I pulled on a long-sleeved sweater to hide all my cuts going up and down my arms and wrists. I grabbed my last season's Marc Jacob's book bag and head my way outside without saying goodbye to anyone. I go in my Navigator just to be alone with my thoughts for a minute. I start driving very carelessly hoping to run into a car and die. I walk into the doors of the school and already Azimio and Karofsky ambush me and push me into lockers.
"Hey, Lady Lips!" Karofsky jeered at me. Finally, it's the end of the day and realize I still have Glee club. I desperately didn't want to go. I never thought this day would come where I didn't want to sing and be with the people that used to make me happy. I'm just not happy anymore, no one can make me happy. My life feels like a never ending black hole. I noticed an unfamiliar over hair gelled boy. He looked like he just stepped out of the 1920's. A few curls escaped out of his hair on his forehead. Mr. Schue suddenly started speaking.
"This is a new student, Blaine Anderson, he used to go to Dalton Academy in Westerville,Ohio." "Hold up, is triangle eyebrows going to be joining Glee club?," Santana said loudly.
"Wanna make out?" Brittany said at the same time.
"Yes, and no, I'm gay," the boy responded in a deep voice. I suddenly thought finally another out of the closet gay kid at this school! Maybe Azimio and Karofsky would take the edge off of me and onto the new kid, Blaine. But, I would never wish someone to get as badly tormented as I am. Everyone gaped at the fact that there's another gay kid. Mercedes elbowed me, I paid no attention. The whole Glee club faced me as if just because there is another gay kid at this school does not make me automatically date him. Even though his style is completely outdated it kinda works for him. He looks kinda adorkable. After Glee club he came up to me.
“I can see the scars on your wrists."
I couldn't believe it someone actually noticed. He pulled up his sleeves and revealing the old cuts.
"I used to do the same thing, I have the scars to remind me where I once was. Here's my number call me anytime you are going through a tough time or just need someone to talk to.”
I got home and just went straight to my room. I've been very isolated. I went in my drawer and everything was gone. I opened the door. My dad was standing there sobbing with Carole. My heart started shattering at the sight.
"Why do you have a razor with blood on it?"
I haven't seen my father cry since my mother died. I shrugged.
"Answer me!" he yelled in a worried kind of way. I sigh knowing it's time to face what's really happening.
"I've been cutting," I said with a tear falling from my right eye.
"How long?" my dad said trying not to absolutely just break out into tears.
"Two weeks," I replied. My dad couldn't take it he just started sobbing right in front of me. Carole was trying to comfort him. I just stood there. I didn't know what to do so I just ran out of the house and kept ignoring the yelling of my father and Carole. I didn't know where to go but then I remembered that Blaine gave me his number. I dialed the number hastily.
"Do you think you can pick me up?"
We went to his house but we didn't say a thing. I didn't tell him why I was in the middle of the street or what happened. He finally asked after an hour of us just staring into mid air in his living room “Let me see your wrists," he said quietly. I show him the angry red lines and feel another tear slip down my cheek.
"You haven't cut today."
"How do you know? I said.
"I cut for five years. I can tell the difference between new cuts, old cuts, and how long it has been since you have cut. I went to so many mental hospitals. My parents never understood why I did it. I tried to kill myself 10 times. It was all cause of the bullying and depression at my old school before Dalton. I stopped once I enrolled at Dalton. They have a no bullying policy there and they don't care if your gay or straight. It is a great school."
"May I ask, why you switched to a public school where bullying occurs everyday?"
"Because i need to see what life will be like once I get out of school. A lot of people hate the LGBT community."
"Wow. Well, I think we have the same life,” I replied.
Comments
I really love this story, I have been threw a lot of the same things. It's truly a great story line. I just hope that Kurt makes it out okay. It seems that you know a lot about this. Do you self (did) self harm? if so stay strong sweetie!!
actually, yes. *sigh* wow, can't believe you picked up on that. thanks, glad you like it so far!!!
Wait...this is like, totally awesome. Your ethos/pathos are spot on and I REALLY want to read more. A+ :)
ok... whoa. This is intense. I love how they bond. This is deep. I anxiously wait for more! xoxo
How about I come back and read this at a time when it isn't a trigger for me? I'm sure that it's fabulous, but things are a little rough at the moment, so... anyways, I will read it! -Em. :)
Wow I really like this, its emotional and powerful!