Chapter 72 - Fears and Hopes

Fears

Dying Young

Bad Hair and bad clothes

College - Well, not getting into College

Not making it

Spending time away from Blaine

My dad having another heart attack

Getting a bad sickness

Blaine falling out of love with me

Hopes

Rachel will burn in hell

Rachel will lose her voice

Rachel will fall on her face

Rachel's hair will fall out

To be with Blaine forever

To have children - Be a father

To have my dad and Blaine's parents and grandparents with us long enough to watch their grandchildren get married

Star on Broadway just once

Create my own fashion line and see it on someone famous

See Blaine become president

Live long enough to experience equality for everyone

Pick out the White House china

Live happily ever after

Honeymoon in Paris with good memories this time

Kurt's list was coming along pretty good, except for the Rachel comments that he knew he had to cross out because that was his Bitch Diva coming out all over the place. He was pissed at her. She may be his best friend and he loved her, but friend or not, she made Blaine mad. Blaine had just finished cleaning up a few things left over from dinner.

"What are you doing?" Blaine tried to peek over Kurt's shoulder where he was seated on the couch.

Kurt effectively pushed the big curly head away. "It's my list for Dr. Stewart. We have therapy Wednesday night."

"Can I see?" Blaine made a frowny face and sad puppy dog eyes.

"Put the sad face away. I'm not falling for it Blaine Anderson." Kurt hugged the cards to his chest.

"Just a peek?"

"well.. I'll tell you one thing that I put on there and took off."

"Yay!" Blaine clapped and smiled.

"You can be such a child sometimes." Kurt laughed and shook his head at the sight of Blaine bouncing and clapping. It was the gayest Blaine could be.

"I put Rachel will lose her voice."

Blaine hugged him from behind. "Still mad?"

"I'm mad that you didn't get a chance at the solo."

Blaine kissed him on the cheek. "But you got the solo, so I'm happy!"

"She wasn't in school today. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind." Kurt was still very angry. "You can't upset my future husband and not expect me to take my revenge."

"Kurt, you're being silly. She's your best friend. She didn't mean to do all of that, she just gets.. well, she gets ambitious." Blaine was too nice for his own good. It was his Dalton Academy manners.

"I just want to do something so that she knows that what she does hurts people. She hurts people's feelings all the time. She never gives anyone compliments or credit for what they do. She's so power hungry." Kurt's face was starting to turn red and Blaine recognized the need to have some time of release from this. Sex wouldn't do it.. Well maybe.. Nope... They already did that. Blaine just finished cleaning the kitchen. Blaine had to push his thoughts away because Kurt needed more than that. He needed support for what he wanted to do.

"I have an idea. She adores us because she thinks of her dads and how we can be just like them when we get older."

"yes?" Kurt didn't know where this was going.

"Let's make her feel bad that she made us fight. I'll say I slept in the guest room and that I'm moving out and you can be all sad and we can make her think that we're over."

"It would make her feel terribly guilty." Kurt thought about it.

"It would make her feel awful and maybe we fight a little more in front of her so that she can see all the pain that she causes with her attitude." Blaine actually liked this idea.

"What if she figures out we're bluffing. I hate being mad at you."

"I hate yelling at you too, baby, but think of it as our audition for acting school. We could do it." Blaine was looking at this like a fun experiment. "Let's see how many people we can fool."

"Sounds like a challenge." Kurt smiled his big smile.

It was like a strange out of body experience. Kurt sat on one side of the choir room with his arms crossed and head down. His eyes were puffy and his makeup was caked on in an attempt to cover up the bags. Blaine was sitting on the other side of the room with his elbows on his thighs and his face in his palms. This was the first time everyone saw Blaine and Kurt together in one place since the big blow up.

Kurt thought this is what it's like to immerse yourself into a character. Method actors do it all the time. Kurt was thinking about the loneliness of his life prior to Blaine and the sadness came from his feeling of helplessness when his dad was in the hospital after his heart attack. Never had he felt as sad and broken as that day. He used this to fuel his acting for today.

Each glee club member walked into the room and glance at each of them trying to figure out what was going on. Whatever it was, they knew better than to say something right now when they were both in the room. Everyone there looked at each other and Blaine and Kurt with concern in their eyes. It was hard not to be worried when Kurt had been to hell and back the last few years.

Rachel sauntered in talking to who was probably her voice coach. "... yes, I have been exercising my diaphragm and doing the additional breathing exercises to improve my breath support." She continued to nod and agree. When she finally looked up after ending her call, she noticed what those before her had already noticed. "What's going on?" Kurt didn't even look at her. He continued to stare off into the space behind her. "Kurt?"

Kurt finally turned his head toward her a little bit. "What?" He said in a low raspy voice.

"What's wrong?"

"You should know. You did this." Kurt spat out and then turned away wiping a fake tear that he couldn't quite make come out. He vowed to do better with his character when he turned back toward her.

Rachel stood there with a look of dismay. "Blaine?"

"Are you happy Rachel?" Blaine lifted his head up just long enough to spit words out at her. Mike and Sam moved closer to Blaine and Mike put a hand on his shoulder in comfort. "You really have no idea what you've done." Blaine dropped his head back and covered his eyes with his palms rubbing harshly at his eyes.

"What's wrong here?" Rachel still dumbfounded.

Santana is first to speak. "Are you really that self-centered that you don't notice that Blaine and Kurt are upset and sitting on opposite sides of the room?"

"Of course, but why is everyone mad at me?" Rachel flipped her hair off of her shoulder.

Sam responded. "You're so awful Rachel. Did you not see the huge fight you started yesterday between the two of them?"

"Quit talking about us like we're not in the room." Kurt responded thickly. "We just..." Kurt finally thought about the fear of his dad dying and that got his tears to fall. "We're not.. just.. things are not okay Rachel." Kurt turned away again.

"What do you mean not okay?" Rachel started to worry just a little because Kurt was her best friend.

Kurt stood and yelled. "You fucking ruined everything Rachel!"

"Hey now. Kurt, let's settle down. What's going on in here?" Mr. Shue made his entrance. "Kurt? Blaine?" He immediately noticed the huge space that sat between the couple.

"I'd rather not talk about it Mr. Shue." Kurt said quietly and returned to his seated position.

"We broke up." Blaine's tear filled eyes met their teacher and then Rachel for the first time since yesterday. "I'm moving out this weekend. It's .. It's just not going to work right now. Maybe it never will." Blaine returned his head to his palms and sobbed.

"What do you mean Blaine?" Rachel started to panic a little and her voice raised an octave. "You're not breaking up. You're Kurt and Blaine."

"I was wrong, but Kurt just can't live with me yelling like that. I'm not good for him." Blaine chanced a glance at Kurt hoping not to give in to the farce they created in the room. He still fiercely loved Kurt and it pained him to even joke about them not being together.

"Yes.. Yes you are. You guys are the most perfect couple at this school. Blaine, you love Kurt and Kurt, you love Blaine." Kurt didn't make eye contact. "You're the most awesome gay couple after my dads."

"Rachel, you just made me see what Blaine can become and I don't think I can deal with that. We talked about it and I believe it's for the best." Kurt continued to cry and sniffle.

"But that's my fault. I'm overbearing. Blaine loves you. Blaine, tell him."

"Rachel, I'm done telling him. He's not listening." Blaine glanced at Kurt. They were doing a fantastic job because Mercedes and Brittany were sitting with Kurt comforting him and Finn sat in his seat confused and not knowing what to do. "If he were listening, he'd know that I love him. He'd know that I love him more than I love myself even."

Rachel finally hung her head in defeat. Her need to be the best always hurt someone and right not it was hurting her best friends. How did she let her need for the spotlight and power get in the way of friendship? "I.. I don't know what to say or do. I need to make it right."

Blaine shrugged. "I wish you could, but the fact remains that we are not together and I'm..." Blaine trailed off as he looked at his friends. "I'm going back to Dalton."

Finn stood up. "Wait a minute. No, Blaine. You can't leave. You can't go back to Dalton because you're going to get back together. If there are two people in this world that belong together, it's you guys. I've never met a couple like you before. A year ago I was scared that Kurt was going to make moves on me when we had to share a room, but today, I can see that all of that was nothing. He had a crush. This?" Finn waved his big hands around. "This? What you guys have is so special. It's so special that no one can touch you guys. It's one of those things.. What do you call it?" Finn scratched his head trying to think of the term that was stuck between his brain and his mouth. "Crap! What's it called? You know when people are perfect for each other like they were born just for the other person. Like puzzle pieces."

Kurt let a few tears loose because what Finn said was beautiful in a Finn kind of way. He really loved his brother even though they got off to a rocky start. "Thanks Finn, but Blaine scared me. I mean really scared me. He's never yelled at me like that before."

"So then you calm down and talk about it. That's what couples do. That's what you guys do. You talk about it and then you move past it and become Kurt and Blaine. You become Klaine again." Finn looked so desperate.

Blaine noticed a change in the room. He could see it in everyone. He saw how much of an impact that their relationship had on people. How could two gay boys mean this much to a group of misfits in high school. He wasn't sure, but clearly, this group loved them dearly and couldn't bear the thought of them being apart. "I don't know Finn. I want it back too. I want it so bad that I can just taste it." Blaine looked at Kurt with pain in his eyes. Kurt was completely impressed with Blaine's ability.

"You guys are soul mates. That was the word I was thinking of. There's a myth that everyone has their perfect match and that they're out there somewhere. Well, you guys found each other." He looked at Rachel. "Rachel didn't mean to get you guys in that fight. She has a special talent for bringing out the worst in people when her ambition gets in the way. She never really means to harm anyone with it." Rachel was crying and she shook her head in agreement with what Finn said. "See? Please don't let what she said make it the end of a perfect thing."

Blaine looked at Kurt and knew what he was thinking. "Kurt, can I talk to you out in the hall?" Finn settled in his chair next to Rachel as she sobbed into his shoulder muttering something about feeling bad and didn't meant to do it. The boys made their way out in the hall and they could hear everyone whispering and quietly blaming Rachel. They could hear Rachel defending herself through tears as she said she never meant to hurt anyone.

"Let's go back in together baby." Blaine urged Kurt. "I didn't realize how much it hurts the group when people are going through a hard time. I would rather see everyone happy and working on our Regionals set list than continue this drama."

Kurt nodded agreement and wrapped his arms loosely around Blaine's neck. "God.. I hate fighting with you, even if we're acting." Blaine could feel Kurt relax into him. "It was so hard to think about us not being together. I had to put awful thoughts in my head to get through it, because I love you so much."

"Aww.. baby. So I guess we can never play roles where the characters hate each other."

"Nope, but it doesn't matter, you're going to law school and I'm going to be a famous fashion designer."

"Maybe, I'll just be a professor and scholar."

Kurt pushed away from Blaine so that he could see his face. "Mr. Anderson, I intend on you being the first gay president with a husband. I already know the china pattern I want to pick when I'm in the white house."

Blaine looked a little scared as he pictured all of this in his head. It was a vivid picture. "You're scaring me, Kurt. I fear for the country when my husband and fashion designer is in the white house. I feel like you might force me to pass a law that prohibits bad clothes."

"I would never do that. Well, I might outlaw the Gap." Kurt turned away with a giggle.

"I can only apologize so many times, sweetheart." Blaine said as Kurt dragged him by his hand back into the choir room. As soon as they walked in, it was like the air was sucked out of the room. Everyone was holding their breath.

Blaine squeezed Kurt's hand in signal to let him speak. "Okay everyone. First, I want to say how much we love you guys. You care for us so much and Finn, you are the best brother anyone could ask for. I'm glad your Kurt's brother and soon to be mine." The room all at once breathed a sigh of relief. Blaine continued, "Rachel, we never broke up."

"What? Why would you do that?" She looked upset or confused.

"I never want to be the person I was yesterday. Kurt didn't deserve it, but you did. I should have taken it all out on you. Rachel, honey, I love you, but you need to think about other people. You're never going to make it on Broadway without a few allies. If you keep it up, you'll be all alone." He returned to talking to the group. "I love Kurt so much. When I got home, he was so upset about me coming to McKinley. Kurt felt guilty. After I yelled at him, he was the one that felt guilty. I'm sorry, you guys had to see that. I promise it won't happen again. AND, for the record..." He turned to Kurt. "Kurt, you were so good. You deserved a solo. You and Santana were unbelievable and I'm so proud of you. I would happily dance behind you any day."

Kurt turned red because of the play on words. Puck actually whistled. "Dudes, I get to watch that."

"Puck, just.. NO!" Kurt responded and things went back to planning.

Fears

Never seeing my friends from high school

Being without Kurt for any reason

Failing to remember what's important to me

Not living up to expectations

Not having my parents and grandparents around long enough to see what I've become

Not achieving my dreams

Hopes

To be with Kurt forever

Having children

Watching my kids grow up and achieve their dreams

Seeing Kurt become a famous designer

To give Kurt everything his heart desires

Graduate with honors from College

To always be tolerant

Equality for all people

To never forget how deep and fulfilling love can be

To be friends with my high school friends forever

Sing for an audience

"Kurt, you seem to have a few things on your list that were crossed out." Dr. Stewart knew that something must have gone on this past week.

"Well, Rachel caused Blaine and me to have a fight. It wasn't a good fight."

"Fights rarely are good or they would call them something else. So how did you resolve it?"

"We made up and then we got even." Kurt ducked his head in embarrassment because it was probably not the right thing to do.

"Do you think that was the best way to handle it?"

"Probably not, but it felt good to do it. Rachel is my best friend, but she's also my brothers' girlfriend and she's the most self-centered overly ambitious girl that everyone hates." Kurt tried to explain just how different Rachel was.

"The bottom line Dr. Stewart is that Kurt and I had a big fight. We both had time to think about the things we did and said and we made up after talking. We learned to be a little more sensitive to each other's feelings. I was being selfish too. Kurt got picked for a solo for our next competition, which is huge! I forgot that he was the perfect person for it. I just got caught up in Rachel's tirade and in myself that I forgot to see the good in all of it."

"You're doing it again, Blaine. You need to know that it's okay to want something for yourself. It's okay to need things for you and not for both of you. I think you put a lot of pressure on yourself to always be in top form." Dr. Stewart analyzed his list of fears and hopes. "For example, did you notice that all of your fears are about other people? Except the living up to your own dreams, this entire list is about other people and worrying about how they will feel if you don't do everything you said you would. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

"Yes. Doctor. That's how I am. I'm happiest when the people around me are happy."

"But, Kurt does have things on his list that are solely him. For example, dying young or getting sick." She paused. "I would like to say that your thoughts about each other are very well aligned. You both want kids and want you family around. Those are all good things. You both seem to put things on your list to not upset the other, but Blaine, you did it more. Honestly, Kurt could probably work more on couples' goals, while you work more on your own personal wants and needs."

Kurt furrowed his brow. "Are you saying I don't care enough about us as a couple?"

"No, I'm saying you're more in tuned to what you want out of life, while Blaine is more in tuned to what he wants with you as a couple. I'm not discounting anything either of you said. Honestly, you are a fabulous couple that is well matched and I really think you guys are in it for the long haul. Many of the exercises I give you will make your relationship even more fulfilling."

They both nodded. "Next week's exercise will be for Kurt to do two more cards, but focus on needs and wants from a couple perspective. Blaine, you'll do needs and wants from your own perspective. In addition, I think we are past Paul, but I want you to put down every word in your mind that comes up with you think of Paul. Both of you do this."

As they left Dr. Stewart's office, "I like coming to see her, Blaine. Thank you for insisting on us doing this. I didn't like it at first, but it's been really great. I think she's really helping me get a good perspective on our relationship." They held hands walking to the car and Kurt rested his head against Blaine's shoulder."

"I agree. I'm glad we're doing it together. I've learned a lot about myself and us. I can't wait for us to be us forever. I meant it on my card." Blaine leaned his head against Kurt's.

"I meant it too. We're going to be together until the end Blaine. I want that for us." Kurt tilted his head up to kiss Blaine on the cheek.

"I know we will too, baby. We'll be together forever." Blaine smiled.