Chapter 67 - Strength!

Blaine and Kurt were more or less back to normal and Kurt finally got over the desire to kill the printer shop guy which was a good thing in Blaine's eyes. It was almost February and there was no word on Paul yet. Blaine's dad had attorney's trying to get proof of his fake passport and he had some private guys that Jack used on occasion for security keep an eye on Paul's whereabouts so that they could move quickly when they had everything they needed to take him down.

People always say that time heals all wounds and Blaine thought, it must be working. His parents and Kurt's parents encouraged him to get Kurt to a psychologist at least. The last time he tried, it backfired, but he was able to get an appointment right after school today. It was almost a week since the printer incident, but Blaine knew the adults were right to push him to get Kurt there. Blaine was worried about Kurt's reaction so he didn't tell him. After all, Blaine decided that he needed it too. Life had been so stressful with Kurt now ready to get back into planning and Regionals in a few weeks, he was feeling the pressure. He booked an hour with a locally recommended psychologist.

"Kurt, we need to run an errand after school today, okay?"

"Sure. Right after school?" Kurt looked upset.

"Yeah. Did you have plans?"

"No.. well, yeah, kind of."

"With who?" Blaine was interested.

"You silly. I thought we could go to that printer where my dad gets his postcards made. They would be really nice to us." Kurt was excited about things again and Blaine thought twice about the appointment he made for them. Why ruin his day, but he knew better. This needed to be done for both of them. It needed to be done for their well-being.

"Can we do it tomorrow?"

Kurt wondered what it was that was so important, but trusted Blaine. "Sure we can."

Blaine had been driving for about fifteen minutes when they pulled into old Lima. There were lots of old houses and old downtown. Most of the houses there were turned into small businesses with unique gifts or insurance and cake places. It was nice. They pulled in front of an old blue house, but there were no signed to give Kurt any idea of what this place was. "Where are we going Blaine?"

Kurt slowly got out of the BMW that stood out like a sore thumb in downtown Lima. When Blaine met him on his side of the car, he took Kurt's hand. "Promise me you won't get mad."

"But.. What are we doing?" Kurt was squirming and Blaine could see his discomfort over the uncertainty ahead.

"Just promise me you won't get mad. You know I would never do anything to hurt you. Everything I do is always to make us better. Right?" Kurt just nodded his head. "We are here to see a psychologist, not a psychiatrist Kurt. We're here to talk about the things that we need to talk about. You have an appointment and I have one too. At the end of this one, she's going to talk to us together so that she can tell us what she thinks and make some recommendations."

Kurt was angry, but he couldn't be angry at Blaine. He was just angry in general because Blaine was right. They needed to get past this. It seems that Paul had the ability to separate them and that couldn't happen, but this wasn't how he wanted to do it. They have always talked through things and work things out. Kurt thought he could do it on his own with Blaine. "I can't believe you did this without asking me!"

Blaine looked worried and a little scared. "I was scared you would say no and you need this. We need this." Blaine tried to take Kurt's hand, but Kurt jerked it away. He wasn't even sure why he was so mad because Blaine did it for them to get better. Kurt turned away feeling a bit betrayed but not as angry. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and noticed the small sign on the house turned doctor's office. Amanda Stewart PhD was on the sign with a few other names, but she was the only female name on the sign.

Blaine waited out the silence no matter how hard that was. Kurt finally turned. "Okay. Is that her?" Kurt seemed to know that Blaine would choose a female for him. He was always most comfortable spilling his guts out to his girlfriends.

Blaine fished a piece of paper out of his pocket to confirm even though he had memorized her name. "Dr. Stewart."

Kurt huffed out a small laughed. "Doctor, right. Not a real doctor."

"She's just trained to listen and provide some insight and help. Please don't be mad."

"You're going in too?"

"Yes."

"We go together?"

"Not this time, but we can talk to her at the end about it."

"Okay. Fine." Kurt started toward the steps leading to the door. When they got inside, Kurt was surprised to find a small waiting room and a front window, just like a doctor's office. He let Blaine take the lead.

"Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson for Amanda Stewart."

The woman was very pleasant as she verified the information that Blaine had already given her. "Have a seat and she'll be with you."

Kurt sat nervously because he was about to talk about something so personal with a stranger and he wasn't sure how he felt about that. What was Blaine going to tell her and what would she think?

"Kurt?" A smallish woman dressed in normal clothes came to the door. Kurt stood assuming this would be someone to take him back to the room but she extended her hand.

"I'm Amanda Stewart. It's very nice to meet you." She was very friendly and Kurt smiled because there was something about her that put him at ease. When he shook her hand it was gentle but firm if that was even possible. "Don't be nervous Kurt. I just want to get to know you and see if there's anything I can help you with."

"O-okay. Um... Thank you."

"Well, don't thank me yet, I haven't done anything." They walked down the hall that still looked like a house to a room near the back with a wall of windows. She had a wall of built in bookshelves a few different comfortable looking chairs, a couch and a chaise. He expected the chaise, but there was something homey about this place. There was a desk on one side of the room and Kurt was confused of where to sit as she moved to her desk to pick up a few things. There were no chairs at her desk. "You can sit anywhere you feel comfortable Kurt."

"Do I have to sit on that thing?" He pointed to the chaise.

She laughed, "Of course not. It's not the movies. You can sit there or anywhere. You can lay down. You can even sit on the floor. I have cushions over there by the window." Sure enough there were.

Kurt laughed quietly. "It's not what I expected."

"Most people that have never been to a psychologist are surprised at how different than the movies it really is."

Kurt finally picked one of the chairs that was a little lower and looked squishy. He melted into the seat because it was comfortable. "I want one of these."

She laughed at him again. "I'll write down the brand of chair. Maybe you can find one." She sat on the couch across from him. "Oh. Do you want a water?"

"Sure." She stood and moved to the corner of the room and pulled a water bottle out of the mini fridge that Kurt hadn't even noticed. "Here you go. So now it's time for me to get to know you and you to get to know me. Tell me about yourself Kurt."

"Well. I'm Kurt Hummel and I'm a senior at McKinley High. I like to sing, but even more I love the creativity of designing anything. I like to design clothes, but I also like to plan events and decorate. I can sew. I live with Blaine, who is my fiancé and I'm so in love with him. He's my everything. My dad is Burt Hummel. He owns Hummel tires and lube. My stepmom is Carol Hudson-Hummel and my stepbrother is Finn Hudson. Blaine's parents are Catherine and JR and they're lawyers. I hear they're one of the best in the country. Blaine grandparents are lawyers too and apparently his grandfather is a partner in the best firm internationally. Plus he owns a little team called the Patriots. Jack and Ellen are wonderful too. I'll let Blaine talk about them more. Oh.. and I'm gay."

Amanda went into the same short intro and said she graduated from University of Dayton with her PhD five years ago. That explained why she still looked young. She even shared that she was married and had a two year old daughter. Kurt was surprised about that. "So Kurt, you really are doing great."

"Well, how do you know that?"

"I know this because when I ask about you, you immediately bring up all the things about you that you love and the people you love. It's a good sign. It's a sign that you want happiness and that the happy things are what you cling to and want."

Kurt nodded, so why the hell was he here? "So that's all?"

"I think there's more, don't you?"

Kurt took a deep breath. "Yes. I supposed you know at least the general gist of what happened, but I'll give it to you in a nutshell. Blaine and I were in Europe last year and a guy named Paul tried to rape me and succeeded to a point. Blaine was stabbed twice. When we were in our home in New York City over New Year's Eve, he showed up at the door as the delivery guy from the place we ordered food from. He was supposed to be in jail in Italy. It kind of started a downward spiral for me. I stopped... Well, should I tell you details?"

"You tell me as little or as much as you want."

Kurt thought to himself. That's kind of non-committal, but okay. "I withdrew from Blaine and I wouldn't let him touch me. I didn't want to kiss him or be intimate. I don't even really know why. I just didn't want to feel anything after seeing Paul. It scares me that he's out of jail and in the city that I plan on living in and going to school."

"Why do you think you decided all of this Kurt?"

"I don't know."

"Do you blame Blaine for things?" She was still nice, but persistant.

"No. Blaine has always been the protector. He's always been there for me." The defensiveness came out in his response and Kurt shook his head. This was not what he wanted her to think. Blaine is not to blame.

"Then why would you shut out Blaine, who loves you." Kurt knew the answer even though he never really thought it or said it. He knew inside that he had fears and damn her for making him really think it and now she wanted him to say it.

"Maybe because he could do better than me. He's already got such a bright future. He's going to Columbia. He got accepted early admission and I haven't heard anything the colleges I applied to yet. Maybe it's meant to be that I don't go to New York City. Paul is just another sign." Kurt was sad and took a deep cleansing breath after getting all of that out there. He love Blaine, but never wanted to hold him back. He gave him a chance to stay at Dalton all those months earlier, yet Blaine chose him. Blaine chose him over and over again. Kurt always had that little demon telling him that he wasn't good enough for Blaine.

"Did you ever think that maybe Blaine is quite content and ecstatic about being with you? Take time to reflect on things he does for you. Does he ever make you feel like he's sacrificing anything to be with you?" Kurt sat and thought. He couldn't think of one instance where Blaine made him feel like he wasn't his entire world. "He made these appointments for both of you. That's a sign of how important yours and his mental health is."

"I guess." Kurt didn't really know how to answer except that he never quite felt good enough for Blaine. "Maybe my family isn't the level of his. You know what I mean. His family is rolling in millions and mine does great, but I'm not like royalty. Blaine is like royalty." Kurt almost laughed a little at the fact that a multi-million dollar gay man picked him when he had all the choices in the world.

"That's interesting Kurt. Let's go back to the beginning. You talked in detail about Blaine's parents and grandparents mentioning what they do and what they own. You also mentioned that your dad owns an auto shop, but you never mentioned that he is a State Representative to the US House of Representatives. It's very important and perhaps more important than both Blaine's parents and grandparents."

"Yeah. I guess."

"I'm more interested in why you didn't mention him being a State Representative."

"I still see my dad as my dad, I guess. He owns a car shop. He just happened to get crazy and want to change the world and I'm so proud that he did it. I'm proud of my dad." Kurt was seeing her point. Blaine's parents were rich, but Burt was changing the world.

"So maybe if you think more about how Blaine feels about you, instead of how you think he should feel and stop the thought that his family is superior, we may be fixing things." She wrote a few things down in her notebook.

"How do you feel about your ability to protect yourself from Paul? You always talk about Blaine as the protector."

"He's always been my protector. I'm just not as strong or confident at he is."

"Do you believe that you're not strong?"

Kurt didn't like the analysis. "Blaine played football. He's really tough and he's always been proud of who he is. I came out of my shell and learned to live and not compromise my happiness. I learned all of that from him."

She smiled at him. He had such fierce loyalty and love to Blaine and it showed. "And look at you now. You continue to live and dream and plan a life even when you're scared. All I'm saying is that you should look at how strong you are. What you went through would cripple some people, but somehow you managed to continue to see the good things and move on." Kurt listened intently and knew that she was right. "So that might be a good place to stop."

"But, you didn't even really ask me about Paul or the attack." Kurt seemed surprised to call it done when they barely touched the subject of Paul being close to Kurt.

"I don't need to ask about Paul to know that you have issues with him. I know what you've been through Kurt and, of course you would have issues." She smiled gently trying to express her understanding. "One thing at a time Kurt. We'll get there. I promise. You're going to be easy to fix because you have so much positive thought. That's a good thing." She stood. "It's Blaine's turn and then I'd like to see you both together."

Kurt nodded not really knowing what to do next. "I guess I'll wait out there?"

"That would be good." They walked down the hall and she called Blaine in.

"Blaine, you don't seem too bothered by all of the things that happened to you." Blaine was comfortable overall. Amanda thought he seemed confident. There are some people that have such personal willpower that can put everything behind them and move on.

"I'm bothered. How could I not be? He could have killed me and Kurt. It's something that I've learned to deal with. As long as Kurt's alright, I can deal with anything that happens to me."

"You love him a lot, don't you?" It was one of those obvious questions that she really didn't need to ask.

"He's everything to me. I can't make it without him. He makes everything in the world right for me." Blaine smiled while he stated all the things. He wondered what type of thoughts were running through her head. He wasn't sure. All he knew was that Kurt and him were real and she has to see that.

"So, Kurt introduced himself. I'll tell you about me first and then you can tell me about yourself." Amanda repeated everything she told Kurt. She had done it so many times with many patients that it could have sounded like a canned speech that she always gives. "So tell me about you."

"I'm Blaine, which you already know. I'm in love with Kurt Hummel. He's the most perfect person I've ever met and I'd to anything for him. I love to sing, but especially with Kurt. I play the guitar and piano and bunches of other instruments. My parents and grandparents are lawyers and they're really good lawyers. They used to have trouble with me being gay, but they've done a complete one-eighty since Kurt's dad set them straight. Now, they are supportive and unbelievable. I'm happy that they've come around, because I couldn't imagine them not liking Kurt. I'm excited about college and getting married."

"So how do you feel about seeing Paul?"

"If I would have thought for a few seconds when I first saw him, I could probably tell you, but I saw him and reacted immediately to protect Kurt. Everything I did in the moments after seeing him was on instinct. I wasn't even really thinking at all. It was just doing everything as quickly as possible and getting rid of him." Blaine paused and looked like he was really thinking. "I guess my first instinct is always to protect Kurt."

"Do you think Kurt's weak?"

"Oh.. no not at all." He shook his head. "He can be vulnerable, but when he's ready and can see things coming he can be so strong. Kurt doesn't know it, but every day he saves me. He thinks I saved him, but he saved me. I was depressed and lacking life. I didn't know that until I met him and he gave me purpose. That's all there is to it. He gave me purpose and he gave me something to smile about. I'm a complete idiot because I didn't grab him and tell him immediately. I wasted a lot of time getting to him, but I'm so glad I got there."

Amanda smiled again finding that these two are really in a good place and generally healthy. Their love seemed quite strong on both sides and that was good because that meant that they would heal with each other's help. "Do you want to talk about Paul and what he did to you?"

"It's funny because I may be the one with physical scars, but Kurt was hurt worse. He.. well you know he touched Kurt in places that were not meant for anyone other than Kurt or someone he loved. Kurt didn't have a choice. I made the choice.. no I didn't choose. It's not a choice to save someone that's being brutalized. I did what I had to do and I'd do it all over again if it happened again."

Well that was that. She knew that he was done saying anything he had to say about the attack. "Very good Blaine." She paused to take notes. "I'll go get Kurt and we can talk about everything together."

Kurt looked nervous when he entered the room but eased immediately when Blaine's eyes met his. It was always nice to see Blaine's beautiful hazel orbs trained on him. "Hey babe."

"Hey yourself." Blaine stood to meet him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. They had both chosen a chair when they talked to Amanda, but now that they were together, she wondered what they would do. Kurt turned around and nudge Blaine toward the couch, but Blaine was already pulling him that way. They sat close with hands clasped. Blaine was calm, while Kurt looked like he was waiting for his sentence.

"So, I would like to first say what a pleasure it is to meet both of you." She noticed that even though Kurt was sitting very close Blaine, he was much more rigid than before. "Relax Kurt. You're not on trial." He did a bit. He was afraid she was going to say he was a lost cause.

"I'm just worried that maybe I'm just too messed up to fix."

Blaine rubbed his hands as Amanda spoke. "You guys are doing very well in all honesty. For what you've both been through, from my perspective, you are healing. It takes a long time to get over something like this. I think that part of the reason you are dealing so well is because of your relationship. You both have very strong conviction about each other. It's a pleasure to see how much you mean to each other and how much trust there is between the two of you."

Kurt finally cracked a huge smile as he looked at her in shock. "Really?"

"Really Kurt." She laughed. "I'm not saying that you guys are perfect, because you both have some issues that I'm going to talk about now before your next appointment." She paused to look for acknowledgement. "Okay?"

"Yes." They said in unison.

"I'll start with Kurt. Kurt, you're always positive and focus on everything Blaine does and you have so much trust in Blaine. I suspect it's because you see him as your savior." Kurt nodded agreement. "So maybe he was your savior, but you managed for years without him, right?"

"Of course. It's wasn't always good, but I managed." Kurt admitted and received a squeeze to his hand from Blaine.

"Well, Kurt, you don't need Blaine to save you. You're strong on your own. Because, you've put a lot of trust in Blaine to always be there, you've ignored your own strength opting for the easier way to deal with things. It's always easier to look to someone else. I know it is, but you are strong. You need to trust your own strength."

"He's stronger, though."

Blaine cut in. "I'm not Kurt. You're so strong baby. You have no idea."

"Blaine, I might as well share some things about you too. You don't care about yourself most of the time. You tend to run your life around Kurt. You want to love and protect Kurt so much that you don't see that you could be harming yourself in the long run. One day you're going to wonder when you thought about your own well-being. You said yourself that Kurt is so strong. You need to stop enabling him and force him to be strong. Let him be your savior again. He saved you before."

Kurt looked at Blaine questioning what he heard. "You did save me Kurt. You always say I saved you, but you saved me too. Back then, I was lonely. I had friends, but it wasn't the same loneliness. My parents didn't care. You came along before I got to bad off."

"For next week, I want you both to come back and tell me what you did for yourself and not for each other. I want you both to focus on something for your own well-being." She continued, "And forget about Paul. Yes. Paul is a problem, but Kurt needs to remember how strong he and Blaine needs to remember that Kurt is a strong and independent person. Okay?"

"Yes. So, we'll see you next week?" Blaine questioned.

"Next week same time if you want."

Blaine looked to Kurt. He knew he wanted to, but he needed Kurt to agree. Thankfully Kurt nodded.

The light was blinking on the answering machine and Blaine looked down at his phone finally noticing five messages. "I've got five messages. I forgot. We turned our phones on silence."

Kurt looked at his phone. "I have three and ten missed calls from your dad."

"It's strange he didn't text. Let me play the message." Blaine dialed his text and listened intently. "Kurt, they have him."

Kurt turned paler than even before. "Paul? They have him?"

"Yes, according to dad they have him in custody." Blaine pocketed his phone. "Do you need to rest and then we'll talk about what's next?"

"Yeah. Can we relax upstairs Blaine? I just want to be with you right now. Okay?"

"Of course baby. Let's just relax and get our head together and call Dad." Blaine pulled Kurt up the stairs.