Feb. 14, 2014, 6 p.m.
The Boy With The Sad Smile: Chapter 4
E - Words: 7,060 - Last Updated: Feb 14, 2014 Story: Closed - Chapters: 14/? - Created: Sep 27, 2013 - Updated: Sep 27, 2013 63 0 0 0 0
So this chapter was quite a bit longer than the last and this will be the length it should be remaining at (or it least they won't be any shorter)
Kurt almost skipped into school the next morning, ignoring the sniggers surrounding him as he walked as fast as possible to Blaine's corridor as he had named it. He peaked round the corner first, scanning the gaggles of girls here and there. Honestly, why did they all stand grouped together like that, it wasn't exactly making his job any easier. He strained his eyes for where he knew the other boy's locker was located and squealed internally when he spotted him there. He stepped out, face falling a little when he noted the fact that Blaine's hair was yet again slicked back with gel. Or at least until he turned around. Kurt had to stifle a laugh as he sidled over, tapping Blaine on the shoulder again. The boy whipped round in shock, raising a hand as if to defend himself. Kurt was a bit taken aback but Blaine's face softened slightly as he recognised who it was.
"Hi"
"Hey" Blaine slumped forward again, looking defeated.
"I don't want to freak you out or anything, but you're having a bit of a hair situation back there" he rubbed the back of his own head suggestively and Blaine raised a hand to feel the hair that had evidentially escaped the clutches of whatever product he used on it. Cursing softly, he sighed angrily and grabbed his bag from his locker, ruffling through it. Kurt's brow contracted at the obvious flustered look adorning Blaine's entire body and the annoyance he seemed to have drawn from the fact that he made a silly mistake doing his hair this morning.
"Don't worry, we'll sort it out. It's a Monday, I'm sure you'll be forgiven" he reached out to pat the younger boy's arm but had it snatched from reach instantly as Blaine chucked his back into his locker and covered his eyes in exasperation. He dropped his hands and looked up at Kurt, grimacing in regret as he noticed the shocked look he was wearing.
"I'm sorry."
"Bad weekend?" Kurt offered.
"You have no idea." He muttered in response, patting at the hair sticking out behind his head. "This morning has been a disaster." Kurt smiled in understanding, knowing all too much how a bad morning to could affect the rest of the week.
"Come with me. We'll sort it out" Blaine snapped his locker shut, hitched his bag higher on his shoulder and then dropped his head as he made to follow Kurt. They walked a short distance, skirting around a few corners before entering a bathroom "this one is hardly used, too close to the choir room." He locked the door behind them both and dropped his bag near the closest sink, turning to Blaine with a thoughtful look on his face. "Now question is. What are we gonna do about this" Blaine stood awkwardly by the door, looking at the ground and holding himself around the middle self consciously. Kurt was going to get him to open up if it killed him. "Why don't you try and brush the rest of your hair out and we'll see what we can do after that?" the boy looked up, grimacing.
"That can only turn out disastrously."
"Oh come on, help me out" he dropped to one knee, fishing around in his leather messenger bag for something he could do fix Blaine's hair with.
"Hey….is that Calvin Klein?" Kurt's head snapped up
"Err yeah" he blushed "you know designers?"
"Are you kidding" he dropped his own bag and picked out a small notebook. He hesitated for a moment and then handed it over, Kurt took it with a curious expression as he began to flick through the pages. They were full of sketches – of everything. Suits, sportswear, swimwear. He looked up at Blaine in awe.
"Are these all yours?" he whispered. The other boy nodded, dropping his chin as he cheeks began to redden.
"I never…y'know, I don't think I'd ever make anything of it. I just like messing around" he talked quietly, not looking up from the floor.
"Blaine this stuff is awesome. Like, beyond amazing." He flipped over a page to find words in place of drawings. He read over the first few lines before he realised they were lyrics. "You write too?" he looked up, smiling, to see that Blaine was doing the complete opposite. His eyes widened in horror and he grabbed the notebook back and shoved it into his bag, standing quickly.
"Sorry, you weren't supposed to see that" he cleared his throat quickly. "Maybe I'll just head to homeroom" he made to exit but Kurt caught his arm.
"Nu-uh. We're sorting out your hair first" Blaine swallowed at the pressure of Kurt's fingers, trying even harder not to turn the colour of a strawberry. He felt himself being pulled over to the sinks, grimacing as he saw how haggard and drained he looked. Apparently concealer was going to creep back into his life by the look of those dark circles. He looked away from the mirror but found again, fingers forcing his head to face it.
"Hmmm…" Kurt bit his lip into the reflection next to Blaine's, and he really wished he wouldn't because that sound and the way his lips slid from between his teeth were doing things to Blaine. He cleared his throat again and a smile began to light up Kurt's face. "Okay. I have an idea. But you're going to have to trust me okay? Because it's going to look like I'm going crazy" Blaine sucked his lips into his mouth again and nodded warily. To be honest, anything to make his time with Kurt last longer was good in his books. And he really did need to sort his hair our. The older boy squealed. "YES! Okay stay there. How long ago did you do your hair?" he asked, dipping down into his bag and pulling out a small hand towel. "slushies" he added in way of an explanation at the look on the other boy's face. Blaine looked down at his watch.
"Erm, about a half hour ago"
"Oh even better. This should make things easier" with worry niggling in a dark corner of his mind he sighed and let Kurt get started on his hair, losing himself in his fingertips occasionally brushing his scalp and the concentrated look over his shoulder at their reflections. Honestly, if anyone else had pulled him into a bathroom and started rubbing away at his scalp he probably would have been out of there in a flash, but this was Kurt. And he was having a bad morning. And apparently Kurt cared that he was having a bad morning. And that made everything better.
"Okay, close your eyes for a sec" Blaine turned to face Kurt, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. This could turn pretty nasty pretty quickly, and as much as he liked the guy, he wasn't quite there with the trust. Kurt rolled his eyes "I'm not going to do anything, I do this with all of my makeovers" he gave Blaine a pointed look until his subject turned back to the mirror, grimacing as he closed his eyes slowly. "No peeking" he reached down into his bag and took out a pot of styling dust. He tipped the smallest amount onto his fingers and set to arraying the free part of Blaine's hair at the front into a jumble of messy spikes and curls. Then as gently as he could, without alerting the boy beneath his finger tips, he slid a light hair pin into place either side of his head. He stepped back then, grinning as he admired his handiwork. "Okay, look" he clapped his hands together, as Blaine opened one eyes and then the other, jaw dropping in shock. "d-do you like it?" the boy shook his head at first, causing the gleeful expression on Kurt's face to drop off instantly.
"No! no I love it! Honestly Kurt…I'm speechless" he turned back to the mirror, admiring the look from both sides. Kurt had somehow managed to keep most of his hair back from his face, but it looked almost…bed-heady. The front of his hair stuck up haphazardly. "Very…Edward Cullen-esque"
"That's what I was going for. Girls will be falling over each other to get at you now"
"Well that would be awkward" Blaine replied, turning and picking up his bag
"Why?" Kurt held his breath as he leant down and mimicked his companion. Okay did this mean what he thought it meant.
"I err…not really my type" Blaine avoided Kurt's gaze and he had to yet again hold in the squeal that threatened to erupt from his lips. He was gay. Actually gay. Like, not straight. Actually gay.
"Oh" he breathed, feeling suddenly elated. They both stood there awkwardly, the announcement hanging between them.
"Well…"
"Yeah"
"We should probably get to class" the younger boy glanced at his watch again.
"Hey" Kurt lifted his hand to point at a patch of skin exposed on his forearm. "What's-"
"oh, nothing erm" he quickly pulled the sleeve over his hand and turned for the door, unlocking it and looking back at Kurt, although not meeting his gaze. "I'll see you later"
"Yeah" he barely got chance to reply before the boy was gone. Well now he was more confused than ever. That bubbly feeling that had inflated inside him before popped suddenly, leaving him empty and confused.
If that had been what he thought it was…Blaine certainly did have a bad weekend.
Blaine almost ran into about seven people in his rush to get away from Kurt. That thought in itself seemed bizarre, but that had been another close call and he didn't know how many more he could deal with before his heart literally gave up under the stress. He hated hiding it, always had. And yet it had to be done. Blaine was nothing if not determined.
He stopped when he reached his first period class which happened to be English. Brilliant. He slid into a seat at the back of the classroom as usual, taking out a notepad and pen and losing himself in his doodles while their teacher droned on. Usually he would pay attention, but today he felt like doing nothing more but sitting in silence and thinking of nothing. When the bell rang, it shocked him out of his reverie. He reviewed the drawing quickly, sighing at the fact he'd drawn the same outfit he'd been drawing for days. The creativity seemed to have been sapped right out of him. He brushed his belongings off his table into his bag and took note of the assignment written on the board. More homework. Great.
Blaine exited the room as quickly as he could, dodging people in the quickly cramping corridor. He wasn't paying attention to where he was walking, bumping into people in his hurry to reach his next lesson. He made to move in one direction around a gaggle of girls and came into contact with a tall bloke he recognised from the park on Sunday morning. He tried too late to step around him but ended up falling backwards over his feet, sending his bag flying and himself sprawling across the tiled floor. He felt himself redden as pain blossomed across the bottom of his back as he hit the ground. "Fuck" he cursed, slightly bewildered as he looked around for his bag. He blinked a couple of times, hearing voices above him.
"Honestly Finn you're such a klutz" he looked up to a hand. Kurt Hummel's hand in fact. He took it gratefully, brushing himself off and groaning internally at the embarrassment he'd just caused himself. The tall guy who was apparently named Finn went over to retrieve his bag, looking apologetic.
"I'm sorry man. I didn't see you" Blaine grabbed his bag back, a bit more forcefully that he would usually have done. Well the guy had just sent him flying.
"You okay?" Kurt asked, smiling slightly
"Fine" he replied, rubbing his back. He made a face as he rubbed his hand over a tender spot. Could this day get any worse? He looked up Kurt who was scrutinising him, looking worried.
"Come with me" much to his chagrin, Kurt grabbed his arm lightly and began to pull him along in the direction of the bathroom they had been in earlier that morning. He tried to protest, but it fell upon deaf ears. They passed the toilets and continued on a little further down the hall until they reached an empty room containing a piano and variety of other instruments. Kurt let go of his arm, turning and crossing his own. "Okay, what's going on?" Blaine stared around, dithering slightly.
"What do you mean" he shoved his hands into his pockets
"I mean you look miserable and have since Sunday" as touched as he was that Kurt seemed to care, he couldn't help but feel slightly taken aback. He had known the guy for a matter of days and he was already prying into his business? If anything, it irritated him.
"I don't know what you're talking about. It's been two days" he breathed
"Please don't make me be blatantly obvious" Kurt groaned.
"Nothing's wrong Kurt. Like I said, I just had a bad weekend." He was starting to get angry.
"Well yes that's obvious." He hesitated for a moment and then stepped closer. Blaine slid a foot back, turning himself halfway towards the door. "Give me your hand" Kurt sighed, holding out his own, palm up.
"wh-what?" the floor felt like it had been pulled from beneath his feet. He looked around, peering out into the corridors to see if anyone was around.
"Oh" Blaine turned back to Kurt to see his arms crossed back across his chest. "It's like that" he huffed out a sound of annoyance and moved past Blaine.
"Kurt what-" he started, thoroughly confused.
"You so scared of holding my hand innocently in public?" he scoffed and made to exit. Blaine warred with himself for a moment and then threw himself forward, coming in front of Kurt just before he left the room.
"Kurt that's not why I looked"
"Then why?" he stepped backward, towards the bench at the piano. Blaine struggled with himself, raising his hand to run it over his hair before remembering how it wasn't stuck to his head like usual.
So Kurt was here. He was here, caring about Blaine. He had helped him out when he was flustered earlier, been the first one to help him out when he fell. He seemed to be everywhere Blaine was. Ever since he had set eyes on the older boy that first day in the caf he had felt warm. And that feeling only grew the moment Kurt decided to come and say hello. Kurt had come and said hi to him. Kurt wanted to know him. Could he risk throwing that away?
Blaine was petrified. He'd known the guys for a week for heaven's sake, and here he was, tempted to spill his deepest secret. He thought back to his brother's words, feeling guilt twist in his stomach at the fact that Kurt may be the first person to know this, and not Cooper. His body moved of its own accord as he approached Kurt again, stoping about a metre away and pressing his hands together in front of him. Kurt looked worried and vaguely scared. They stood there for a minute in silence, while Blaine chewed over his words. He opened his mouth numerous times, closing it seconds later as he decided against it. His heart hammered in his chest and he fiddled with his fingers.
"Blaine…" he looked up to see Kurt looking worriedly into his face. "If you don't want to tell me I won't…"
"No. I want to I just…" he gazed around, eyes sweeping across various objects before landing on the acoustic guitar leaning on the stand in a corner of the room. He looked between it and Kurt; gesturing towards it "could I…sing? I mean, of course if you don't want me to I'll just…" he trailed off, looking uncomfortable.
"Blaine, do what you need to." He nodded and sat down on the bench. Blaine moved back and forth across the room and closed the two doors, before picking up the guitar and dragging a chair into the middle of the room. He set the guitar down against it, looking at the ground before he spoke.
"I…when I came out to my parents, my Dad didn't take it very well. And things were getting tough at school. Things had always been bad but…just…" he looked up, pleading with Kurt "d-don't freak out" his throat blocked up on the last word, making him swallow hard. Slowly, hands shaking, he reached down and pulled the cream sweater over his head, revealing the short sleeved green shirt he was wearing beneath. He kept his eyes closed as he balled it up over his hands. He heard a gasp, the sound jolting through his body like a bullet. He opened his eyes, not looking up at first but keeping his eyes trained firmly on the ground. He followed the floor with his gaze, finally stopping as they reached Kurt's shoes. Then ever so slowly, breath rate increasing, his eyes crept up Kurt's body to rest on his face.
The boy's hand was covering his mouth, the other clinging to the piano bench, knuckles white. Kurt's eyes were shining as his eyes roved over the scarring and scabbed skin covering his arms. He took in the shock and almost disgust on his face and all of a sudden something snapped inside him, he took a step backwards, knocking the guitar over in the process which clanged loudly as it hit the floor. He shoved his sweater bacl over his head, feeling for his bag.
"No Blaine, please don't go…"
"Just leave me alone. This was a mistake" he charged past Kurt, tears already threatening in his eyes as he felt him trying to grasp at his arms. He hissed in pain as Kurt grasped his forearm tightly. The older boy relinquished his grip instantly, stopping in his tracks. Blaine reached the door and yanked it open, turning back before he stepped out of sight
"Don't tell anyone." He shot in Kurt's direction before walking as fast as he could towards the school's entrance, holding back a sob as he hit the parking lot and throwing himself at full speed towards his chained up bike which he struggled to unlock with his vision hazed by tears.
Cuts, those were cuts. It was the only thing running through his mind as he followed Blaine out of the choir room, not bothering to try and catch up. If he had been expecting anything in the dark corners of his mind, it wasn't this. He was baffled, overwhelmed. Even after only knowing the guy for a week, he felt…pity. Kurt guessed that was the last thing Blaine would want and added it to the reasons he thought the boy had run out on him for. He scolded himself for reacting how he had; he must have looked completely disgusted. I am a complete and utter idiot.
His legs moved as if they were being controlled by someone else, bringing him to his locker which he opened with trembling fingers. He looked over the books inside for a moment before slamming the door shut and making his way to the library instead of his next class. He certainly wasn't in the mood to concentrate and he knew he'd catch up. The room was almost empty, a few students here and there. Kurt took a seat at the back of the room, the bookcases in front of him blocking the door from view. Not that any teacher would come looking for him, but his friends might. Methodically, he pulled out his phone and lit up the screen, finding a text from Tina asking if he'd had any ideas on costumes for their next glee assignment (which, he noted with annoyance, hadn't even been given them yet) he was saved the trouble of relpying however, when the real thing came round the corner and dumped her back on his foot.
"OUCH!" he cried, gaining a few glares from students scattered around. He raised his hands in apology and turned to Tina, who looked as grumpy as Blaine had that morning. That thought yanked a heartstring, but he tried to push it from his mind as he turned to his friend. "What's up with you?" he muttered, taking out his notebook and opening up to where his English essay sat, half finished.
"Mike" she sighed, crossing her arms and leaning a little further back on the chair. Kurt rolled his eyes "I mean, his parents are being really awkward lately, I can't even go round there anymore."
He took out a pen and began writing away; pretty sure he wasn't even making any sense. Well he could correct it later. "jeez this chemistry is freaking killing me" Tina mimicked him, flipping between pages of notes. Kurt looked up, hit by a sudden thought.
"hey, you don't happen to be in class with Blaine Anderson do you?"
"erm yeah actually, we're lab partners. I was supposed to be meeting him this afternoon" she sounded bitter. Kurt dismissed the tone.
"Do you erm…have his number by any chance?" he tried to sound offhand, but the look Tina gave him said nothing but oh-hummel-i-see-right-through-you.
"Are you into him?" she asked, eyebrow arched.
"It's nothing like that" he said, a little angrily. She blinked a couple of times and then handed over the phone with his number displayed brightly upon it. He typed it into his own, pushing his things into his bag and passing Tina her phone back.
"Hey where you going?"
"I have something I need to do" he left her sat there bewildered, as he headed out towards the front of the school, hitting the call button as he did so. It rang seven times before going to voicemail "hi, you've reached Blaine, I'm err probably busy but feel free to leave a message. Thanks!" Kurt hung up before he heard the tone, dialling again and holding the phone to his ear. No answer. After a minute's frustrated calling he gave up, plonking down on the wall at the edge of the parking lot and resolving to text instead. He typed quickly, finger hovering over the send button for a moment before he steeled himself and hit it. He let out a shaky breath, checking his watch. It wasn't even lunch yet. Had shit seriously gone south in less than three hours?
Cooper had left the house in a hurry it seemed, as Blaine entered the kitchen. The washing up was sat out on the draining board (which was pretty useless Blaine thought, considering they had a dishwasher) unwashed, the worktop glistening with water where his brother had blatantly tried to wipe up after himself. Half of him wanted to scold the boy when he came home, and the other half wanted to thank him for leaving a distraction.
His phone buzzed in his back pocket, and confusion flitted across his face as he lit up the screen. Two missed calls and a message sat waiting for him. He mustn't have felt the calls in his hurry to get home. They were from a number he didn't recognise, he opened the message warily.
"Hey, Blaine I'm sorry about before. Can we meet up? Kurt. Blaine sighed. What had he gotten himself into now? He dropped onto a stool and typed out a reply.
"Kurt, it was mistake. I don't think we should talk about it. Blaine" after a moment panic hit him and he sent out another
"And please, don't tell anyone. B"
He waited a moment for a reply and sure enough the vibrations came a minute later
"I feel bad; I just want to let you know you don't have to worry"
"And I won't tell anyone, I promise."
"Can we just leave it at that?"
"Blaine, you need to talk to someone about it. I don't mind if it's me."
"Okay Kurt, I really don't think it's any of your business. Just drop it. I didn't ask you to care"
"You don't have to ask me to care Blaine, I just…do okay? Please say we can meet up. It doesn't have to be soon. Just…sometime"
Blaine sat there breathing heavily for a moment. Through the back and forth of their argument he had felt his heartbeat increasing. He really did want to be friends with Kurt, let him in but…but what? He sat with his head bowed over his phone, reading the last message over and over. Another message came through, shocking him out of his reverie,
"but if you really do want me to back off I will. But I won't stop caring about you Blaine"
Blaine worried his bottom lip between hiss teeth before throwing caution to the wind and typing out a reply, sending it quickly
"Okay, we can talk. But not in school. You know the Lima Bean? it's a coffee shop. Could you meet me there this afternoon?" he thought It may be a bit forward to ask for a meeting so soon but he knew if he didn't have something to take him mind off things, he'd do something even more stupid than what he was planning. There was two minutes strained silence, then intermittent buzzing.
"Sounds good. Take care of yourself Blaine"
He left it at that, not really knowing what to reply. So now he had a coffee date no not a date Blaine with Kurt Hummel where he was supposed to spill his deepest darkest secrets. Brilliant.
Kurt of course, was very familiar with the location suggested by Blaine, having spent quite a bit of time there trying to escape his life the years before. This time however, walking through the sliding glass doors, it was with a sense of unease rather than a sigh of relief that he walked up to the counter to order his coffee. He glanced around as he waited, looking for any signs of the black haired youth. Nothing. The barista handed him his coffee with a smile (which Kurt did not return out of nerves) and made his way to a table in the middle of the room, hoping to make it look a little less hostile if he was sat in the middle of a room full of chattering people rather than a secluded corner.
He took a sip of the bitter liquid, relishing in the sting as it burnt a route to his stomach. The pain kept him grounded. It seemed so surreal, sitting here amidst gossiping people, getting on with their lives as if nothing was wrong. Well, of course nothing was wrong for them but Kurt often felt like when there was something bothering him it somehow radiated around him in a sort of haze. That was most likely due to the fact that when he was sad it just so happened that everyone around him was sad. Things just always worked out that way, but he had learned to brush it off. So sitting there at that moment, feeling completely isolated in his anxiety had his heart hurting like a bitch and mind whirring like a tornado. It was bewildering.
Kurt regarded the tables in front of him, picking up on the skitter of stray sugar as one lady tipped the sachet into her mug. It bugged the hell out of him. His foot began to tap involuntarily against the floor. He took another sip of coffee. The barista had taken out her phone, tapping out a message of some kind, looking thoroughly bored at the lack of customers demanding her attention. Kurt mimicked her, scrolling through his facebook feed. Finding nothing of interest that could be used as good gossip on his phone date with Rachel later, he slid it back into his pocket, patting his hair self consciously. He felt like he'd been stripped bare in the last hour or so. Neither of the boys had set a time for them to meet other than the vague "afternoon" so he could be sat here for an unmeasured length of time and that prospect prompted a deep sigh as he settled further into the seat, running a finger around the top of his mug.
After a full fifteen minutes of Kurt scrutinising every terrible fashion choice that walked through the door, a familiar face popped his head into the coffee shop. He sat a little straighter, watching Blaine make his way over to order his coffee and scan the room as he handed his money over. Kurt raised a hand and tried a smile, hoping he looked at least a tad optimistic. Blaine nodded in reply, smiling a little. What Kurt would do to be inside that boys head right now.
He watched the same barista that served him hand over Blaine's coffee, before he snaked his way over and slipped into the seat opposite.
"Hey!" Kurt smiled warmly, perking up. Even if this was going to be a hellish meeting, it was made a little better by the fact tat he was spending it with Blaine. Nothing could be bad with Blaine. Wait, what? Focus hummel!
"hi. Thanks for meeting me" he got in reply
"If I remember correctly it was me that wanted to meet you"
"Oh yeah, I guess so…" Blaine looked awkwardly down at his hands which he had covered in the sleeves of the sweater he was wearing. It was warm out, for that time of year anyway, and a pang of pity hit Kurt as he realised how often Blaine must have to suffer the heat in the name of keeping his secret hidden. He wasn't one for shorts and t shirts himself but the thought of not having that choice…needless to say the pity in his chest only grew although he figured that was the last thing the younger boy wanted. His mission right now was to make him feel as comfortable as possible.
"So…" he wasn't sure how to begin. How do you deal with situations like this? It was obvious that neither of them were fully comfortable discussing it, but that was why there were here. To discuss it. problematic. "I just want you to know Blaine, that if you want to leave at any time, you're free to" he studied the boys bowed face as he continued "you don't have to talk about this. I assumed that you wanted to seeing as you're here but if you feel uncomfortable talking about it then-"
"I'm not uncomfortable about it" Blaine spoke to the table "you're just the first one to know. Kinda has me a bit messed up. It's been a secret for so long"
"And if you want it to stay that way then you don't have to ask me twice. I know what it's like trying to…trying to hide pain" he took a deep breath and lifted the coffee to his lips, waiting for a response.
Blaine seemed to hesitate for a moment, fiddling with the spoon on the cups saucer.
"I don't really know what to say" he let out a humourless laugh, tipping his head to the side, eyes not leaving the cup in front of him. Kurt regarded him softly.
"start at the beginning. Just talk. Tell me how it all began."
"It's kind of a long story"
"Well we have all afternoon. Come on, spill"
"Alright…well I told you about my dad coming down on me hard when I came out. And that things had been tough for a while." Kurt nodded "well I sort of lied." He looked up to meet Kurt's eyes, caving at the confusion there and looking back at his hands. "Things had been a bad a long time before I came out. I mean" Blaine brought one arm up to rest on the table in front of him, waving his fingers around haphazardly "you think that everything's fine before you can't find a cause to feel so down. And then you think of why you shouldn't be so down all the time, and all the good things seem to outweigh the bad things but the problem is you see the good things as these huge bright shining lights that look a lot bigger than the bad things but that's because you're just trying to push the bad things out of your mind and then before you know it" he paused for breath, chewing his lip "everything just get's on top of you and you can't cope "he finished quietly, stilling his now shaking hand by picking up the mug in front of him and taking a large gulp.
Kurt had stayed still during his outburst, taking in everything Blaine was telling him like a sponge. A silence settled between them while Blaine tried to calm his breath and Kurt tried to gather his thoughts. He reached out a hand warily, touching his fingers to Blaine's sleeve. The other boy retracted his hand swiftly, eyes snapping up to his own. Kurt took a moment to admire the colour, honey with that slight hint of sage that was almost unnoticeable. In fact Kurt probably wouldn't have noticed it if it weren't for the intensity of the stare Blaine was giving him right now. Kurt's own narrowed slightly, in an expression of sympathy rather than suspicion. His fingers slid forward slowly to rest on Blaine's arm again, this time not prompting any movement. The moment passed when the younger boy took a stuttered breath, breaking his gaze to look back down at his hand, the one still resting in his lap. Kurt took his hand away slowly.
"And then…you know the rest" Blaine looked around. Determined to look anywhere but at the sympathetic expression on Kurt's face.
With than minor explanation Kurt could put the rest together. So it had been nothing big, no massive traumatic event that had somehow sent him spinning off the rails. It wasn't a phase or something he did for attention like so many people were so easy to assume. Not that Kurt hadn't been on the fence about his opinion, but then again he'd never been in this position before. It was easy to judge from the outside but when you're shoved into that spotlight it's hard not to sympathise. In the situation right now, it was easy to get why Blaine was doing what he was doing, even if he didn't fully understand the idea in general. He realised that the silence had stretched awkwardly as he had been thinking and that Blaine was probably readying himself for some kind of self scolding speech. He took another breath, sighing in resignation this time. He tried to talk carefully.
"Blaine, why did you never go to anyone before things got that bad?"
"It's not as simple as that" he murmured in a quiet voice, still avoiding his gaze. "it all seemed to happen so quickly, things went from okay to bad to terrible before I really had time to think about it"
"You had friends at Dalton right?"
"Yeah, I guess…"
"And you didn't think to talk to any of them?"
"God damn it Kurt I said it's not that simple" he slammed a hand down on the table hard enough to make both of their spoons rattle in their respective saucers. Kurt pulled back slightly, shocked. Blaine stared down at his hand for a moment, seemingly taken aback by his own behaviour. His shoulders visibly slumped and his hand slid limply back into his lap, the other rubbing over his eyes "so…sorry. It's just been a long day"
"We can stop if you want…" Kurt started
"No, it's…its fine. This has all just been…overwhelming" he rested an elbow on the table, fingers releasing the edge of his sweater. Kurt watched the sleeve slip down his arm a couple of inches and was struck by a sudden idea.
"Blaine? Could I…could I see them?" the younger boy looked up in confusion before his eyes followed Kurt's line of sight to the inch of skin exposed at his wrist. He pulled it back quickly, before looking around.
"Here?"
"No, we can get out of her if you want. I have an idea I want to try out. Finish your coffee." Kurt picked his own up and downed the remains.
"It's actually hot chocolate" Blaine laughed as he finished his own
"Hot chocolate kind of guy? I could never wean myself of caffeine long enough to enjoy the stuff"
"It's chocolate in liquid form, less calories, more yum"
"…more yum? Kurt sputtered as he reached behind him to pull his bag off the chair behind him. Blaine looked genuinely offended.
"leave my yum alone!"
"Alright Mr dapper pants" the both looked at each other for a moment before simultaneously bursting out laughing, drawing the attention of the entire shop.
"Dapper pants? Ser…seriously?" Blaine clutched his sides as he tried to speak normally. Kurt rolled his eyes in reply and then paused. Blaine was smiling, legitimately smiling. It made his heart swell. There it was.
"Don't insult the verbal genius of Kurt Hummel. Remember what I did for you this morning."
"Alright, alright. Let's go" he pushed his chair back into place underneath the table and turned towards the door. Kurt stayed a couple of paces behind, observing the way that Blaine walked almost curled in on himself, hands folding over each other in front of him and shoulders pulled into his chest. He even walked as compactly as possible, as if trying to take up as little space as he could. Trying to make himself invisible.
They made their way quickly out of the shop and paused before stepping into the parking lot. Blaine turned awkwardly. "Where do you want to go?" Kurt thought for a moment.
"Follow me" he set off around the side of the building, the sound of dual footsteps assuring him of Blaine's presence. They reached a grassed area, sloping down towards the road. It was blocked from the view of the lot by the building itself and of course nobody on the road would stop long enough to see what they were doing. "This'll do." He settled down on the grass slowly, motioning Blaine over before digging deep in his bag for a permanent marker. He looked up at the younger boy, smiling reassuringly. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to." Blaine shook his head and took a breath before blinking a couple of times and pushing his sleeves up to the elbow. He regarded his forearms for a moment before holding them out shakily for Kurt to inspect.
Just like before, Kurt's heart fell to somewhere around his navel in pity. To his own surprise he felt his eyes begin to sting with unshed tears.
"Kurt…" Blaine started. Kurt shook his head furiously, ridding his eyes of the emotion gathered there. He reached out slowly and took Blaine's arms in his hands, resting then feather light across the marred skin.
He traced a few lined with his finger, seeing the scars here and there, some thicker and darker whilst other were barely noticeable. Then he turned his attention to the more recent wounds, some freshly scabbed, some not even that far healed. He looked up at Blaine to find his regarding his arms calmly, almost happily. A knot twisted in his stomach at the realization that this was Blaine's life. He faced this everyday, saw this everyday, and was reminded of this everyday.
"This…this weekend did you…?" Blaine nodded, running a finger over one of the fresher cuts, and then along another, and another…
"I was having a pretty bad day when I met you guys in the park. That's why I was there." Kurt's heart dropped even further than he thought possible. His friends had seemed so hostile.
"And had you then or..?"
"No. not until afterwards, when I got home."
"Blaine I'm so sorry"
"No! Don't apologise, it wasn't your fault. I was just having a shitty day." Kurt inhaled and went to pick up the pen he'd discarded next to him earlier. He took Blaine right arm in his hand softly and turned it so the inside of his wrist was showing. His grimaced at the amount of fresh cuts scattered across the boy's skin. How bad had things been on Sunday? He pulled the lid off the marker with his teeth and started writing on Blaine's skin
"what…what're you doing?"
"shh. Just wait" Kurt whispered, moving to his other arm and beginning to scribble again. When he was done he popped the cap back onto the pen and dropped it into his bag. "There" he watch Blaine twist his arms this way and that, deciphering the words. Once he had, he smiled. "It's my number on your left arm and that's Latin on your right. It means-"
"noli illegitimi carborundum. Don't let the bastards grind you down."
"Yeah…now if you even feel like you want to …you know…call me. And if you don't feel like doing that just read what it says on your other arm. Or the other way around." He hesitated for a moment and then leaned over and wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck. The other boy tensed for a second and remained that way for so long Kurt was about to pull back but finally his hands relaxed into splayed shaped on his back and his face sank a little into Kurt's shoulder. When he did pull back he was overwhelmed by Blaine. His scent, his feel…everything. He laughed awkwardly, a flush creeping up his neck. "I guess we erm…better get going."
"yeah…I guess…and you do realise I already have your number from before right?" they both stood, Blaine offering a now yet again covered hand to Kurt to help him up.
"Well yeah, but this way is less stalkerish and much more sentimental"
They walked back to the parking lot in comfortable silence, each boy's heads filled to the brim with the essence of the other.
"That's me" he pointed out his navigator. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" Blaine was looking at the ground. Apparently far away in thought. "Hey…blaine?" he touched the other's wrist.
"Huh? Yeah, oh yeah of course."
"Try to get that gel right tomorrow; I don't help charity cases everyday." The smile slid from his companions face slowly and he scrunched his face together, looking away.
"Listen Kurt…could we like, maybe just forget this happened? I mean you know now and I trust that you won't tell anyone. But I just want things to be normal." Kurt huffed a sigh and rolled his eyes, clutching his bag strap with both hands.
"Of course, I wouldn't want it any other way. And call me if you need me alright?" Blaine nodded and Kurt began to walk towards his car. He reached the door and raised a hand in farewell "bye Mr dapper pants" that elicited a smile. Well, he'd done one thing right today if nothing else.