CRACK

He was on the hard table in the basement. His nose was already bleeding from being jolted into the wood over and over and over and--

CRACK

"Sebastian, please!" he cried, hands rattling uselessly at the cuffs around his wrists. "Please! I'll do anything! What do you want?"

"I want..." his voice was suddenly breathing hotly over his ear, chuckling. "I want to hear you beg and offer me everything and plead while I refuse you every. Single. Time."

"I--"

CRACK

"ARGH!"

CRACK

CRACK

CRACK

Kurt sat straight up in bed, looking around wildly and yanking his wrists to his chest, rubbing them to make sure that they weren't handcuffed.

CRACK

Kurt stifled his scream as he looked around, tears running down his face as he clutched his knees in confusion.

The door to his room slammed open and suddenly Blaine was by his side, reaching out to touch him on the shoulder. "Kurt? Are you alright?"

CRACK

A light flashed through the room.

Lightning. 

Kurt's shoulders slumped as he realized what it was, tears still streaming down his face as he felt the strong urge to go downstairs to Blaine's liquor cabinet and drink all of its contents. 

Except tequila.

Anything but tequila. 

Kurt licked his lips as he turned to look at Blaine. Blaine was staring at him with his big hazel eyes and worry outlined on his forehead and Kurt opened his mouth to tell him that yes, he was fine, just a bad dream, he could handle it but suddenly Kurt didn't want to handle it. He wanted someone else to handle it for him. 

So he shook his head.

Wordlessly, Blaine reached over him and pulled him into his arms, cradling him as they left the room. Kurt rested his hand on Blaine's shoulder and his head in the crook of his neck, feeling the thrumming pulse against his temple. 

Blaine nudged the door open and then shut with his foot before setting Kurt down on the large fluffy bed. 

Kurt rolled over and sat crisscross applesauce as he stared out the window at the torrents of rain coming down and the occasional flashs of lightning accompanied by the low crackles of thunder. "Blood," he whispered, distracted in memories of feeling the sticky substance rolling down his back to stain the table--yet another thing he ended up being blamed for. "I had a nightmare about blood."

There was a brief silence. 

“About what Emma was talking about?” Blaine asked gently from behind him.

Kurt bit his lip, feeling the tears well up in his eyes again as he shook his head. Fingers shaking, he unsteadily began to untie the knot of the short silk kimono he was wearing over his pajama pants. The robe slipped off his shoulders down to the bed and he reached over to turn on the lamp, back tensing as he settled into the comforter.

He just wanted someone else to help him with his problems for once.

There was a sharp intake of breath behind him.

The waiting was the worst part. Kurt stared out the window, trying not to look at Blaine's blurry reflected expression.

The bed dipped as Blaine started crawling towards him. "Kurt..." he murmured. He pressed his warm hand against Kurt's back and Kurt had to withhold a shiver. "Kurt, what--" Blaine's fingers started to trace the jagged ridges. "Kurt are these...whip marks?"

Kurt's face crumpled as the thunder cracked again and he choked back a sob at the feel of Blaine's warm and strong and so careful fingers gently exploring his back.

Then he remembered himself and arched away, hastily pulling his kimono back up and trying to dry his eyes discreetly as he tied the knot. "Just memories from before," he murmured distractedly. "They don't matter."

Blaine grabbed ahold of Kurt's wrist gently, his breath ghosting over Kurt's ear and it sent an entirely different sort of shiver down his body than when Sebastian would do it. "Of course it matters."

Kurt turned his head to look at Blaine, brows furrowed in confusion.

"I really...really care about you, Kurt," Blaine said quietly, his eyes darting back and forth as he held Kurt's gaze. "And I hate the thought of something like that happening to you."

Kurt felt his eyes well up and his nose sting as the last thread of restraint snapped in his body and he leaned forward, pressing his lips to Blaine's. 

Blaine's lips were warm and soft and the stubble around his mouth prickled against Kurt  but all of that melted away. Kurt had kissed several men, most from his early days in Seattle and one from...before. And he'd always thought it a very overrated and pointless and kinda gross activity. But the second his lips touched Blaine's, he felt an all-consuming hunger rage through his body, accompanied with an emotion he'd never felt before.

Want.

Kurt wanted Blaine oh so badly.

Throwing caution to the wind, he pushed Blaine down into the bedspread, kissing him desperately as he straddled his waist. He flicked his tongue out to taste and oh. Yes. That was good that was perfect. Blaine's prickly hairs on his jaw tickled Kurt's tongue as Kurt sloppily kissed down across Blaine's neck. He clawed at the button's of Blaine's shirt, popping them open as he hungrily kissed the tender skin at the nape of his neck, hands scrambling to find purchase on more flesh. He was sucking on a collarbone when it occurred to him that Blaine had remained completely still throughout this process.

He softened his suction on the collarbone, getting ready to pull back before Blaine was suddenly tearing at his own buttons as well.

Kurt smiled against Blaine's shoulder as they ripped the shirt off together. Blaine's arms hadn't even become free of the sleeves before Kurt was desperately unbuckling his belt and pulling the zipper on his jeans down. 

There was an awkward flailing of Blaine's body as they tugged his jeans off but Kurt was quickly distracted by Blaine pulling at the tie of his robe.

Kurt batted his hands away before reaching across him towards his nightstand, fingers scrambling in the drawer until he felt a small bottle and a crinkly plastic package. He pulled out the condom and lube before tugging impatiently at the lamp cord, bathing the room in darkness.

Darkness flooded the room but Kurt could still see Blaine's eyes blinking up at him and he dropped the items in his hand to grabe Blaine's face, kissing him roughly as his knees pressed against his sides tighter, trying to get as close as physically possible. 

Blaine broke away and Kurt started to whine in protest before it caught in his throat as Blaine began to kiss down Kurt’s neck, his hands diving between cloth to stroke at Kurt’s sides.

Kurt’s head became dizzy as he melted under Blaine's lips, heat tingling all over his body and he let out a soft moan against Blaine’s ear. Blaine tightened his grip on Kurt’s waist at the sound, his breath turning raspy against Kurt's neck and he thrusted his erection into Kurt’s thigh.

Kurt sat up, feeling like he'd been shocked as memories of other men flashed before his eyes, pressing themselves against him.

No no no no no, this wasn't supposed to be like that this was different this was Blaine he wanted Blaine.

But as Blaine's hands dragged across his sides appreciatively, all he could think of was all the other hands that had held him down and made his stomach turn.

Licking his lips, he grabbed Blaine's wrists and moved them above his head, resting them against the bars of the headboard and nudging the fingers until they grabbed hold. “Don’t let go,” he murmured.

“I won’t,” Blaine said roughly, shaking his head. His eyes were completely blow and he shivered against the comforter. 

Kurt stared down at him, trying to convey power but feeling completely and utterly terrified. “I mean it. If you let go, I’ll leave.”

Blaine blinked in surprise at his seriousness and Kurt feared for a moment that he'd disagree but then he nodded slowly, sinking back into the pillow.

Holding back his sigh of relief, Kurt went back to kissing down his chest, enjoying the sparse hair as he worked his way over to one of the taut nipples. He grabbed the lube distractedly before pouring some onto his fingers and reaching back into his pajama pants. He hissed, teeth closing over Blaine's nipple as he pushed the first finger into himself but it quickly turned into a groan as he worked it in. Then another. And a third.

Licking and biting forgotten, Kurt ended up with his face pressed against Blaine's chest as he crooked his fingers, gasping and sweating as his nerves fired off randomly. He didn't have an end point really, just rushing pleasantness until he was eventually sore, but the same couldn't be said for Blaine who was panting and whining below him. Kurt  yanked Blaine’s boxers down eagerly, throwing them across the room. 

Kurt eyed Blaine's naked form appreciatively, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that whispered that this was what a man was supposed to look like, before turning around, a sweat breaking out on the back of his neck. 

He really really really hoped that this would actually work.

He pushed the back of his pajama pants down just under his ass before methodically ripping open the condom package and rolling it down Blaine's cock, lips quirking when he felt it twitch under his hands. Then he slicked it with lube before grabbing the base tightly so he could orient himself and sink down.

His teeth clenched at the stretch and burn. It had never felt good to him, so he really didn't expect it to now. It stung but it didn't...hurt. And for that he was thankful.

He rested his fingers heavily on Blaine's thighs, leaning forward and watching Blaine's toes curl and pop.

"Kurt..." Blaine gasped behind him and it took all of Kurt's willpower not to just turn and switch directions so he could watch Blaine's face as he fell apart. "I--"

"Shhh," Kurt panted, his heart pounding in his throat as he rocked slightly to the side. "It's...been a while. Just...just wait a second."

Twisting his hips, he swiveled and flexed and rotated until he felt...comfortable. A buzzing tingling went up his spine and his head tilted back because for once he didn't feel torn or stuffed intruded upon. He felt full and complete and...whole.

"Okay," he sighed, splaying his fingers on Blaine's thighs so he could lift himself up and sink back down. He gasped as the warm tingles shot up his spine and he repeated the motion again and again and again and again and...

He lost himself to the rhythm, eyes fluttering shut as he moaned and squeezed and licked his lips which were becoming drier and drier after every time. Low groans and whines echoed behind him and he leant one hand back into the comforter, changing the angle and seeing stars briefly. His hand gripped the comforter tighter as he shoved himself down and forward onto Blaine's cock, chasing the feeling. "Oh...Blaine," he moaned, his legs burning from holding up his weight and toes tingling in pleasure.

There came a choked gasp from behind him and then suddenly everything was hot and thick inside as Blaine came into the condom and Kurt shivered, his sides sparking in pleasure.

Then reality caught up with him. Blaine was finished. Done. That was the end for him.

Kurt hastily pulled off, wincing at the difference before putting his pants back into place and pulling his kimono over his shoulders. He pulled the condom off of Blaine and put it  in the garbage, rolling over him to the other side of the bed and facing towards the window as he curled in on himself.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked, his voice still rough and panting and sending chills down Kurt's spine. "Are you alright?"

The same question from earlier. But Kurt didn't want to tell the truth this time.

“I’m fine.”

“Did you even…" Blaine trailed off but the implication was clear. And no, he hadn't. He couldn't. "Do you want to clean up?”

“I don’t need to,” Kurt said without emotion, staring at the patterns that the rain had created on the glass. 

“Kurt—”

“Blaine.” Kurt turned, heart clenching when he saw his big confused eyes. “Did you just enjoy the intercourse that we partook in?”

“I—yes," Blaine looked flustered. "But—”

“Then please stop pestering me,’ Kurt snapped, rolling back over as his eyes began to sting again. “I’m tired.”

“Okay,” Blaine said quietly. Kurt nearly breathed a sigh of relief before Blaine was leaning over and he kissed the top of his shoulder gently. “Sweet dreams, Kurt.”

The tears spilled over Kurt's eyes and onto the pillow as he heard Blaine roll back over. He let out a sniffle, burrowing his head into the comforter.

Not for the first time, Kurt cried himself to sleep wishing that he was a normal boy.

Because if he were, then maybe he'd actually have a shot at making Blaine happy.

***

God, that felt good.

Everything was warm and fuzzy and oh so perfect. Kurt sighed, a lazy smile curling his lips as warm strong hands stroked down his body. 

He felt himself being rolled onto his side and he welcomed the change, curling into the solid body next to him. He liked the body. It was warm and firm but it wasn't too big, it was closer to his size and that was nice and good and it smelled so nice like bergamot and oh yes the hand on his belly felt nice and it moved down between his legs and--

Kurt's eyes shot open as panic shot through him and he pushed the body next to his down into the bed, shoving his arm under the chin, ready to fight off whatever hands were going to hold him down.

There was no strange man or...him...but instead Blaine staring up at him with wide eyes.

Kurt leapt away from him like he'd been burnt, heart jumping into his throat as complete and utter horror filled his body.

He fled, slamming the door loudly behind him.

Down the hall, up the rickety stairs, across the attic to the large window. He sat down in front of it, holding onto his knees tightly as he stared over the gray expanse of Capitol Hill.

He should leave. He really should. But he knew he never would. That's why he'd come up here to hide instead of running out the door. The only thing that could make him leave was Blaine.

And now he probably would.

Kurt's head fell against his knees as he started shaking. It was out. Blaine would come up here and he'd probably be nice about it because he was Blaine.

But he'd never want to touch him again.

And that thought alone was worse than his secret getting out.

He heard steps behind him as Blaine walked up the stairs and he sat up straight, wiping his eyes.

There was a sigh behind him before Blaine came to sit down beside him, crossing his legs.

“It’s okay, Kurt.”

Not really. Everything was ruined. 

Blaine tried again. “Look, I’ve known a few trans folk—”

“I’m not trans,” Kurt said in a flat voice, feeling dead inside.

Blaine turned to look at him in surprise. “Then…”

Kurt smirked bitterly. “Oh, Mr. Earl Grey. I can already see the cogs moving around in your head. Trying to fit and place me into a category. You’re wondering about my age and odd voice and style that seems to fit neither men nor women. The only thing you have to go off of is a name—Kurt. And considering that I’m a homeless runaway high school dropout, you can’t even trust in that. So you wonder—am I a flat-chested girl who’s lied about her gender this whole time or merely a very pretty boy with a high pitched voice who just so happens to not have a cock.”

Blaine tilted his head to look at him full on and Kurt could see his brain churning.

Kurt reached up to tap Blaine’s nose. “You’ve already thought of a thousand stories, haven’t you? You writers always jump to fifty conclusions at once.” 

Blaine licked his lips. “Is your real name Kurt?”

Kurt raised an eyebrow. It wasn't the first question he'd expected. “Yes.”

Blaine didn’t blink. “Is your legal name Kurt?”

Kurt turned, looking back out the window.

"That's right Katy...oh god, just like that, yeah..."

“No.”

Blaine nodded, scratching the back of his neck. “So what were you born as?”

“A boy,” Kurt shrugged, fiddling with his fingers. “Externally and internally.” He gave a humorless laugh. “Not quite sure what I am now though…”

“Kurt…you weren’t the one to do that to yourself, were you?”

It wasn’t a question. Kurt wondered when Blaine had become so good at reading his tone.

He wrapped his arms tighter around his knees and flexed his back unconsciously. “I was nine,” he whispered, the sound of screams and laughter ringing through his ears and so so much red. He made a chopping motion with his hands, chuckling weakly. “All I remember is that it took me five minutes to realize that the horrible piercing screams were coming from my mouth.”

And now, thanks to his darling foster brother, he'd just lost the one meaningful connection that he'd formed since running away from that horror show.

His hand reached behind him and started rubbing faintly at one of the lower scars on his back bitterly.

Kurt's breath caught as Blaine wrapped an arm around his back, pulling him close and resting his lips against his hair. Kurt felt tears well up in disbelief before he curled his head into the crook of Blaine's neck, relief washing over him as he pressed against his warm body, feeling safe.

The pair rested there, looking at the rain.