June 4, 2012, 11:43 a.m.
There's all kinds of courage.: Chapter 38
E - Words: 1,773 - Last Updated: Jun 04, 2012 Story: Closed - Chapters: 48/? - Created: Sep 20, 2011 - Updated: Jun 04, 2012 163 0 0 0 0
They knew. He couldn't believe they all knew. Even his own friends didn't know yet, hell his own father didn't know. No, he wasn't going to think about that, he was freaking out enough. He wondered what they were saying about him, how disgusted they all were. He knew they weren't bad people but he didn't want them to know. He didn't want anyone to know. Every day this was spiraling more out of his control. The more people who knew, the harder it was going to be for him to get back to normal. How could he even pretend he was okay if they were all looking at him with knowing eyes?
What were they thinking about him? What if some of them thought that he'd wanted it, like that police officer at the station earlier? Thinking about the police station only led to him thinking about what had happened during the ID. The man's face flashed up in front of his eyes again, the smirk just before he'd blown that damn kiss. Those lips seemed to loom large in his mind's eye because he knew what those lips felt like that, what they tasted like. He knew what that man tasted like. He started to gag.
Luckily, he was able to pull his car over to the side of the road and stumble away from it before the urge to vomit overcame him. He leaned on the rough stone of an old bridge as he brought up what little he'd eaten that day. He watched as the digesting liquid fell away to disappear into the fast running stream below. Once his stomach was empty, he sagged against the stone work, taking shallow breaths, all his injured ribs would allow. The water below was mesmerizing and he slowly climbed up until he was sitting on the bridge. He watched the water far below between the gaps in his legs. It looked very peaceful down there.
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The first thing Kurt noticed was how nervous Mercedes looked. It wasn't something he saw very often from the usually strong girl, and it made him sad to think yet another person had been affected by all this.
"How are you?" she asked nervously as she followed him into the den.
Kurt was going to say the usual lie of "I'm okay," but for some reason when he went to speak, the words wouldn't come. They got trapped behind the huge lump in his throat and he was embarrassed to realize his eyes were filling up with tears.
Mercedes took one look at his face and whatever nervousness she was feeling went out the window as she quickly pulled her friend into her arms. Kurt didn't even resist, just buried his face in her shoulder and sobbed.
"Oh, boo," she said sadly, rubbing his back gently. After a while Kurt got himself back under control and pulled away from her. He wiped at his eyes with his shirt sleeve before giving her a small grateful smile.
"I should have come sooner. I'm so sorry, Kurt." Mercedes sat next to him on the couch, close enough to touch.
"No, no, it's okay," Kurt reassured her. He knew how much Mercedes cared, and that she'd only stayed away because she hadn't wanted to crowd him.
"So I'll ask again. How are you?"
Kurt took a deep sigh. "Not good," he admitted, "but it's Blaine I'm most worried about."
"Where is Blaine? I though he was practically living here now?" Mercedes was looking around as if expecting Blaine to be somewhere in the room.
"He left when he found out you were coming over," Kurt said without thinking.
"Oh, no- I didn't scare him away did I?" Mercedes looked horrified.
"No...no…well, not really," Kurt was quick to say. "He found out that Finn told you guys and he kind of freaked out a little bit. I think he's scared about what people think."
"But all of us just feel really bad for him," Mercedes frowned in confusion.
"I know, but he's so messed up right now, I don't think he can see that." Kurt felt tears coming to his eyes again at the thought of how much Blaine was having to deal with. "He said he just wanted to go home and sleep, so..."
"Do you want me to call him?" Mercedes offered.
"No, I think that would just freak him out. I'll give him a few hours and if he hasn't called I'll call him. I just hope my dad's right, because if anything happens, I'll never forgive myself."
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Sam wasn't in any kind of rush. He peddled his bike along lazily. It was just so nice to get out of that cramped hotel room. He loved his family, but there was only so much time you could spend cooped up together in such a small space before you started to grate on each others nerves. His parents had obviously picked up on his growing frustration, because they'd given him the afternoon off from babysitting his brother and sister, and that's how he found himself biking along this fairly quiet back road. The family could only afford to keep one car now, and that one just barely, but his mom had made sure that he kept his old ten speed bike and he'd never been more grateful for that than right now.
He was leaning back on his seat looking up at the sky and that's why he didn't see the figure sitting on the bridge until he was almost next to him. He wobbled a little on his bike before getting control back, and was tempted to keep on pedaling, despite how strange it was to see someone sitting on the stone bridge. It was then he realized who it was and brought his bike to a stop with a screech of brakes.
Blaine looked up from where he was sitting, clearly startled by the noise. The fear in his eyes made Sam feel a surge of guilt.
"Hi, sorry if I scared you," he said, putting his hands up in a calming gesture, as though dealing with a wounded animal. He could see the panic in Blaine's eyes and the way he glanced back down at the water before looking back at Sam caused a sharp stab of fear to run through him. Oh, Jesus. What exactly was Blaine doing out here?
"How's it going?" he asked, instantly cringing at the question as the words fell out of his mouth. Great, Sam, really good question…how damned insensitive could you get?
"Absolutely fantastic," Blaine's voice dripped with sarcasm.
"Do you mind if I join you?" Sam asked, already leaning his bike against the bridge.
Blaine looked surprised at the question before shrugging.
Sam slowly climbed onto the bridge next to Blaine, being very careful to not get too close and spook the other boy. He looked down at the water below before giving a low whistle.
"That's a long way down," he said, watching for Blaine's reaction, but there wasn't one.
"I bet it would hurt if you fell." Subtle, Sam, he thought to himself, but at least this got a reaction from Blaine. He looked at Sam with surprise in his eyes.
"Look I know that what you're going through right now is awful, but this isn't the answer you know." He tried to get through to the other boy, but Blaine remained silent.
"I can't imagine how you feel, but you have a lot of people who care about you. This would kill them," Sam plowed on.
"What… exactly… do you think I was planning on doing?" Blaine asked the question slowly.
"Well you know...,"Sam trailed off gesturing at the water below.
What happened next shocked him to the core. Blaine started laughing.
"What?" Sam asked, not sure what was so funny about any of this.
"You thought I was going to kill myself?" Blaine managed to gasp out.
"Well… yeah," Sam was slightly offended now.
"That's priceless," Blaine still seemed to think this was hilarious but Sam was worried that the other boy was a little hysterical.
"What was I supposed to think? Knowing what I know and seeing you out here all alone, what other possible conclusion was I supposed to come to?"
This seemed to sober Blaine up as he finally saw the scene through Sam's eyes.
"I just...I felt sick and this was where I stopped," he started to explain. "Then I realized how peaceful it was here and I just decided to try and soak some of it up." He turned to Sam then and looked him in the eye as he spoke his next words. "I wouldn't try to kill myself, no matter what, because then"… he sighed…"those bastards win."
Sam was shocked at the anger in those last words and he found himself at a loss for how to respond. They sat in silence for a few moments, unsure of the words that needed to follow.
"Thanks, I guess," Blaine spoke again after a few minutes.
"For what?"
"For caring enough to try to stop me." Blaine wasn't looking at him now, instead watching the water below again.
"I'd have to be a pretty shitty human being not to," Sam replied.
"Well, it turns out there's quite a few of them in the world."
"Well, I'm not one of them," said Sam. "I know we don't know each other very well, But Kurt helped me out when he found out about my family and he didn't know me that well, either. He did it because he's a good person. In fact, all of New Directions helped me out a lot. If you need anything Blaine, anything, just call, you'll be surprised how many of us care, if you'll just give us a chance."
Blaine looked up at him again at that moment and Sam couldn't quite read the look on his face, but it looked a little like relief.
Blaine cleared his throat. "I guess I better get going." He swung his legs around until his feet were hanging over the road again and Sam followed suit. As he stood up, he offered the shorter boy a hand and Blaine looked at it before meeting his eyes and grasping it tightly in his own. He pulled Blaine to his feet and didn't let go until he was sure he had both feet firmly on the ground.
"Thanks," Blaine said again, and Sam grinned at him. He waited until Blaine had climbed into his car and driven off with a small wave in his direction before getting back on his bike. He turned it around so that it was facing the other way and headed back in the direction of the motel. For some reason, he couldn't wait to get back and see his family.