June 4, 2012, 11:43 a.m.
There's all kinds of courage.: Chapter 32
E - Words: 2,093 - Last Updated: Jun 04, 2012 Story: Closed - Chapters: 48/? - Created: Sep 20, 2011 - Updated: Jun 04, 2012 159 0 0 0 0
He pushed the door open and shut it gently so it wouldn't slam. He didn't want to risk startling the fragile teenager.
"I'm sorry Mr Hummel, I'll get going in a minute" Blaine spoke without looking up at him. "I just didn't feel like I could drive just yet".
"You don't need to go Blaine" Burt lowered himself down until he was sitting next to Blaine on the wooden step, close but not close enough to be touching. He saw the way Blaine pulled away slightly though.
"I do, I shouldn't have snapped at Kurt like that. I just keep hurting him" Blaine sighed and traced his fingers over something only he could see in the grain of the wood. "It's not fair ..."
"You're right Blaine" Burt interrupted him and Blaine's hand stilled against the step. "It's not fair, none of this is, but you need to stop blaming yourself".
Blaine seemed like he was about to say something but Burt raised his hand to stop him.
"No Blaine let me speak. There are some things I need to tell you. I keep putting it off because I thought you weren't ready but that was stupid of me. You might not be ready to hear this but I hope you'll at least listen. Then maybe when things aren't quite so raw you'll be able to think about what I'm about to say and maybe it will help".
Blaine just sat there, staring down at the step still. Burt took the fact that he didn't get up to leave as a good sign.
"No you shouldn't have lost your temper with Kurt and I'm sure once you've cleared your head you'll go in and apologise to him, but if any one's got a right to be angry right now it's you. If throwing a bit of egg around makes you feel better, go for it, because you can't keep bottling this all up. I know you're not as open with your emotions as Kurt and having spoken to both your parents I can see why, but I know that doesn't mean you don't feel anything. Hell kid, I'm so angry for you right now I'm scared I'm going to pop a blood vessel".
Blaine looked at him then, concern written all over his face.
"No, no I'm fine, don't worry about me. In fact stop worrying about everyone else so damn much and let us worry about you for a change".
"I don't want people to worry about me" Blaine admitted.
"Well you don't really get a say, the people who care about you are worried, especially when we see that you're not eating, or sleeping or taking your meds. I feel like we're just standing by and watching you fade away Blaine".
"What if that's what I want" the words, spoken in such a broken way, made Burt's heart clench but at the same time he was glad that Blaine was talking to him, not just keeping it all to himself.
"But you don't, do you? Not really?" Burt coaxed.
"I don't know" Blaine sighed running a weary hand through his hair. "I just...I don't feel like me anymore. I feel like I left Blaine in that alley and now I'm nothing".
"You're not nothing Blaine" Burt voice was gruff with anger, not at Blaine but at the circumstances that led to making this wonderful boy feel like that. "I'm not going to lie to you, I don't think you'll ever be the same as you were before, but that doesn't mean you won't be you".
Burt took a minute to think through what he wanted to say to Blaine, what he needed to say. It felt like a minefield, one wrong word and the whole thing could blow up in his face.
"What I heard yesterday, what you told us happened, made me sick to my stomach. You're a good kid Blaine, I know that. I may not have known you that long but I've seen what you're like with Kurt and more importantly what he's like with you. I love my son to death but that doesn't mean I'm blind to his flaws and since he's been with you he's changed, he's grown up a lot and he's going to be a better man for it".
"I don't think that's because of me" Blaine tried to protest.
"Don't sell yourself short I've seen it with my own eyes. But my point is that it doesn't matter, even if I thought you were an asshole nobody deserves what those bastards" Burt saw Blaine flinch at the word "did to you, nobody".
They both sat their in silence for a while as Burt hoped Blaine thought about what he was saying to him.
"Look it's early days, no-one expects you to get over this today. Right now it's still so fresh, but things will get better. I know it a cliche but time really does heal all, that's' why it gets said all the time. When my wife died I thought I was going to die too. If I'm honest a part of me wanted to. But I didn't and do you know why?"
"Kurt" the reply was whispered.
"Yes Kurt. I knew I couldn't leave him, that he needed me and over time I came to realise that I needed him just as much".
"This isn't the same, nobody died" Blaine's voice was bitter.
"Really? Because it's starting to feel that way. I know you said you don't feel like you any more but don't let them destroy you completely. If you can't do it for yourself yet, then do it for the people who love you. I promise things will get easier".
"How can you promise that, how can you be so sure?" Blaine seemed to genuinely want the answer.
"Because we're not going to let this go any other way. I'm not going to just sit on my ass and watch you disappear, you're too important for that. In fact in a minute you're going to go back in that house and eat some damn breakfast even if I have to force feed you".
"I don't know if I can" Blaine sighed.
"Why? I don't understand why you are making yourself suffer even more" Burt resisted the urge to grab Blaine by the shoulders and shake him. He knew he was a smart kid, why was he so resistant to letting himself get better?
"It's not that ...I.." Blaine stood up then and stepped down off the porch so now his back was completely to Burt. "God this is so embarrassing".
"What is it Blaine, you can tell me anything". Burt stayed where he was not wanting to push too much.
"No I can't, this is just...I can't tell you this".
"Honestly Blaine, you have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing you can say is going to bother me".
"Well it bothers me" Blaine blurted out. He reached up and grabbed hold of his hair letting out a frustrated yell. "God I hate this so much. I shouldn't have to talk about this, none of this should be happening. I'm so fucking sick of everything. You're my boyfriend's dad, I shouldn't be talking about stuff like this with you. I don't know why I invited you into that room yesterday because now I can't bear to look you in the eye, now you know how disgusting I am".
"I don't think you're disgusting Blaine, I would never think that" Burt spoke but Blaine didn't seem to hear him, so Burt stood up. He walked over to where Blaine was standing and placed his hands on his shoulders turning him around to face him. Blaine wouldn't look up at him though, instead he fixed his gaze on the buttons at Burt's collar.
"Look at me Blaine" Burt asked but Blaine shook his head. "Please".
Blaine sighed and slowly raised his eyes until they met Burt's. Burt was once again shocked at the boy's appearance, Blaine spent so much time averting everyone's gaze that he'd almost forgotten the damage that had been done to his face. A burning rage swept through him for a minute before he pushed it down, it wasn't what Blaine needed to see right now. Instead he let all the compassion and love he felt for this boy show instead. Blaine's one good eye widened in shock before starting to fill up with tears.
Blaine nodded at him in recognition of what he was trying to do so Burt didn't stop him when he pulled away so he could face away from him. Some things were impossible to say face to face.
"I'm scared to eat" Blaine's voice was shaky and Burt frowned in confusion.
"Is it because of your throat, because I'm sure that..."
"It's not my throat" Blaine interrupted him and Burt shut his mouth with a snap. If it wasn't his throat then...
"Did Carole tell you what the doctor said?" Blaine asked him then and Burt's mind was already racing ahead to what the problem might be.
"Yes" he answered simply.
"Then you know about all the injuries?" Blaine didn't wait for an answer this time just kept talking. Burt didn't interrupt because he knew how hard this was for the boy. "About the tear..."Blaine's voice broke then and Burt could see him visibly take a deep breath before continuing " the tearing?"
"Yes" Burt answered again and was proud that he managed to get that one word out without choking. He wanted to stop Blaine then, because he had a feeling he knew what the problem was and Blaine was right, this was as embarrassing as hell. But if Blaine was brave enough to say it, then he damn well was going to be strong enough to hear it.
"I don't want to eat because I don't want to have to..."
"Oh god Blaine" Burt couldn't help himself.
"Please tell me you know what I'm saying here because I really don't want to have to say it".
"I know" Burt let him off the hook. He wished to hell he didn't but he did. When Elizabeth had given birth to Kurt all those years ago she ended up needing stitches. He had overheard her talking to the women in her antenatal group a short while later admitting, amongst embarrassed laughter, how nervous she'd been about going to the toilet for the first time after the birth, worried that she would damage something down there. Before announcing his presence and bringing an end to the cringe worthy conversation (at least from his perspective) he'd heard his wife say that in the end there'd been absolutely nothing to worry about.
He knew that Blaine's situation was different but he was for the first time in his life glad that he'd heard that long ago conversation because he know felt that he could answer with at least a degree of honesty.
"It'll be fine Blaine trust me. I'm sure if it was something to be concerned about the doctor would have mentioned it. You need to eat Blaine and just trust that nature knows what it's doing".
Blaine looked at him, his face was red with embarressment but he seemed surprised at Burt's answer, that he was even still stood there actually.
"You really think so?" Blaine asked and he sounded so young and unsure that Burt finally gave into his urge to grab the young man and pull him to him.
"I'm positive" Burt said talking into Blaine's curly hair. "Small steps Blaine, small steps".
"Thank You" Blaine's reply was muffled against Burt's shirt but he heard it all the same.
"You're welcome kid" Burt ruffled Blaine's hair and let him step away from him. "What's your favourite breakfast?"
Blaine stood and thought before tilting his head on one side and answering. "Blueberry pancakes, my mom used to make them for me when I was upset or ill" he managed a small smile as he said that, but it turned sad and wistful as he continued "I've not had them for years".
Burt chose not to comment on that.
"Well let's go inside and see if Carole can rustle up a few shall we?"
"I thought you were the cook this morning" Blaine commented.
"Yeah bacon and eggs is about all I can manage. Kurt's been trying to teach me but it's not going too well. The point of this is for you to eat something, not for me to poison you".
Blaine actually gave a small laugh and Burt thought his heart was going to leap out of his chest at the sound. The pair of them walked back into the house side by side.