It kind of feels like coming up for air after being underwater for a long, long time. He can finally breathe; but he is also slightly dizzy, disoriented and not quite sure which way is up yet. The doctor rambles on a bit but all he hears is a repeat of the tumor is gone the tumor is gone the tumor is gone.

And then he is hugging his dad and hugging Carole and feeling an overwhelming sense of relief. The tumor is gone. He can breathe.

Of course, this means that he can concentrate on the other stuff in his life he had been carefully shoving in a box of will-assess-these-feelings-later. And it starts with his dad mentioning him getting married. Why, oh why, does his mind automatically flash to amber eyes, staring at him reassuringly over a table at the Lima Bean? Really, mind? Still?

When he is lying in bed a few days later, after singing to his dad and dancing with Blaine and enjoying Friday night dinner with Finn and Carole and his dad, he is trying to catch up with everything that has been happening this week. The beginning of his trip home had been an act of keeping it together, trying not to break apart. And it had been good, so good, to have Mercedes and Blaine there for him, holding his hand and not letting go.

However.

Now that he can finally think clearly again, he realizes that while he had been struggling to keep himself together, Blaine had been kind of.. coming on strong. Had been watching him, always, in the choir room, at the Lima Bean, in the auditorium. Had been touching him more than was really necessary, never too much but constantly there.

And then there was his weird dirty-cute comment. Who said stuff like that? At the time, Kurt hadn't really been able to process more than what?? Mostly because he hadn't chosen his clothes to be noticed. Not by Blaine or by anyone. (And wasn't that a first if there ever was one?)

His outfit hadn't been about being cute. Or dirty. Or dirty-cute. It was about friendly and light colors and never ever wearing more than three accessories (belt, scarf and brooch). Dirty-cute wasn't even on his radar. Not with Blaine, not with anyone.

Nonetheless, when Blaine had taken his hand over the table, hesitating only for the slightest of moments, his grip strong and sure in contrast, he couldn't help but pull their hands closer to his chest, brushing his thumb over Blaine's knuckles in a way that felt calming and familiar and, for the first time since October, right.

At the wedding, it had been all about Blaine looking delicious in his suit and being close to him for the first time without feeling awkward. It had been about fun without feeling bad or sad, and really, it had also been about sex. Because sex was great. And Kurt had missed it. And while he could think other guys were cute and sexy in beanies and with blonde hair and nice arms and even nicer asses, he still couldn't actually bring himself to think about having sex with someone that wasn't Blaine.

Really, in hindsight, that should have been a sign that maybe he wasn't ready to jump into a new relationship. But Adam had been sweet and made him laugh and very clearly wanted to be with him and Kurt felt- flattered. Wanted. Good.

Adam had made him feel good until he hadn't.

After the Moulin Rouge disaster, things had only gone downhill. Instead of feeling good and wanted and flattered by the attention he had felt pressured. To act a certain way. To feel a certain way. And he knew he was being unfair. Adam was doing nothing wrong, wanting to take him to the movies and for coffee and dinners. Sometimes waiting for him outside a classroom when his class ended. It wasn't even that they were constantly seeing each other. On the contrary. They were both busy. Kurt had Vogue.com and NYADA classes and roommate-dramas and TV show marathons and his dad. And Adam had his Apples and a looming graduation and applications. And when Adam told him that he had been applying to theaters in West End in London and had watched Kurt carefully while telling him about it, Kurt hadn't known what to say or feel. Was he supposed to feel sad that Adam might be leaving, was he supposed to ask him to stay?
Adam had looked down at his plate, pushing his food around with his fork before looking up again and smiling slightly. "I will really miss you should any of them want me over there. But I'm sure we'll be great penpals."

And that was that. Kurt had no idea what Adam had been looking for when he had watched him or what he had found, but at the end of the evening he had kissed his cheek and smiled sadly at him before saying good night and leaving. And the next time Adam texted him, he asked whether Kurt wanted to "hang out" with a couple of other Apple-friends after class. Kurt had pretended as if they had always been friends. As if he hadn't been dumped in a really weird and confusing way. As if he wasn't relieved.

And when Santana asked him where Dr. Who had gone while they were watching TV, cuddling with their respective boyfriend pillows, Kurt had just shrugged and mumbled something about it not working out. Santana had smirked knowingly but thankfully refrained from giving her own special commentary about his love life. Or lack thereof.

It was just that there was too much going on. He had to constantly worry about things; he couldn't really invest enough in a relationship right now. First his dad's cancer and then the McKinley shooting, which had left the whole Bushwick apartment on edge for at least a week even though everyone had been just fine. Then there was the issue of Santana working in seedy establishments and Rachel's Funny Girl audition and Kurt just really couldn't deal with more.

The end of his relationship with Adam had nothing to do with Blaine. Or his feelings for Blaine. It didn't.

So what if he had been clinging to their friendship more and more, especially after the shooting, especially the nearer his dad's doctor's appointment was approaching. They were best friends. It was normal for best friends to text constantly. Talk every day. He didn't need to justify his actions to anyone.

Except he did. When he turns in his bed and groans into his pillow, willing himself to fall asleep, he finally acknowledges that maybe, maybe, it was time to open his assess-later-box.

So Kurt stumbles out of bed, trying to be quiet and throwing a fluffy robe over his pajamas. It is late and the house is dark and eerily quiet when he makes his way down to the kitchen. He is just pouring some milk into a pan when he hears shuffling behind him and a second later his dad appears in the doorway, looking sleepy and a bit confused.

"Did I wake you up?" Kurt asks, pouring even more milk into the pan when Burt goes to retrieve two cups from one of the cupboards.

Burt shakes his head and puts the cups onto the counter. "Naw. Couldn't sleep. Too much adrenaline from this whirlwind week, I guess. But what about you, I thought you went to sleep over an hour ago?!"

Kurt concentrates on stirring the milk, trying to figure out whether he wants to talk about all of his issues with his dad or not.

"Too much to think about" he finally replies, turning to see his dad watching him carefully. He smiles at him; still feeling so, so relieved just seeing him there, in the kitchen, healthy and solid and there.

"It's been an exciting week", he offers, sitting down in one of the chairs at the kitchen table while Kurt watches the spoon go round and round and round in the pan.

"It really has been. I'm just- I'm so glad you're ok. And I know I've been slightly crazy these last few weeks but I just- it's been a lot." Kurt finally tears his eyes away from the spoon to get some honey to pour into the cups, adding the warm milk and taking both cups to the table. His dad waits for him to sit down and take a careful sip before he says anything.

"I know it's been tough on you. There's been a lot going on with you, hm? But I'm fine now. And you still look kinda troubled. Wanna talk about it?"

Kurt smiles into his cup, so glad to be here, in this kitchen, with his dad, who always knows him best.

"I think, these past couple of weeks, I've just been putting everything on the back burner. I concentrated on you getting better and working for Vogue.com and getting through my classes and that was it. And at the doctor's, when you mentioned getting to see me get married-" a loud cough cuts him of as Burt chokes on his milk, coughing some more and looking generally panicked. Kurt is immediately on his feet.

"Are you ok? Is it your heart? Are you in pain? Should I call an ambulance?"
Burt's hand is on his wrist when he tries to move to the phone, coughing some more and red in the face but generally looking ok.

"I'm fine, kid, I'm fine. You just surprised me and the milk went down the wrong pipe. I just. When I said I want to see you get married I didn't mean, like, tomorrow. You're still young. Really young. Getting married now just because I'm fine..." he trails of when he sees Kurt's confused face.

"Dad. Why on earth would you think I would want to get married now? I'm not even in a relationship. Who would I even marry?"

Again, his traitorous mind is flashing to Blaine, standing in front of him in the hallway, their hallway, looking nervous and rambling on and on and finally asking him to stay for regionals. Kurt thinks Blaine might have wanted to ask him something else. Or maybe it had been his own wishful thinking?

Burt looks at him knowingly before taking another careful sip of his milk.

"You were the one mentioning getting married. And we both know there is a boy in this town who would be more than willing to put a ring on it, Kurt." He mumbles dryly, still looking mildly uncomfortable and Kurt can't ascertain what his face means. So instead he looks into his cup and thinks about Blaine and everything he actively hadn't been thinking about for weeks.

"Blaine and I are friends. We broke up. He broke my heart. And I forgave him. I really did. But now I need to move on, Dad."

His dad snorts and Kurt looks up again.

"I call bullshit" he nods in Kurt's direction. "You love this boy. All you need to do is find out if you love him enough to try again. If you can really move on-"

"I'm trying!" Kurt interrupts, looking a bit angry and a lot exhausted. "I'm trying so hard to move on and I dated a really nice guy and he dumped me because I can't. I just, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I can't move on. And it really doesn't help that Blaine's being weird and flirty and touchy-feely and not really platonic all the time and I want to stay friends but how do you stay friends with someone and move on at the same time?" Kurt is getting louder and louder and stops rambling when he sees the look on his dad's face.

Burt scrunches up his face and pats Kurt's hand that's clutching the table top. "You've been dealing with this for a while now, huh? Why didn't you come talk to me sooner?"

Kurt shrugs and avoids his dad's concerned stare. He knows why he didn't want to talk to his dad. His dad had to concentrate on getting better; Kurt's juvenile problems were really not something Burt should concern himself with, not while he was still sick.

Burt sighs and seems to guess what Kurt's silence means. "Kurt, buddy, no matter what's going on in my life, I always have time for you. And for your problems, alright? Especially if you are struggling. And it seems to me that you've been struggling with this for a while now. So. Let's start from the beginning. First of all: What of what I said suggested that I want you to move on from Blaine?"

Surprised, Kurt looks up at his dad, who smirks slightly at his confused face. "You just said I should move on!" he insists, looking sullen and feeling about five years old when Burt pats his hand again.

"Move on from the hurt. Move on from the resentment. Get over the break up. Not necessarily get over Blaine. I know he screwed up big time, but that's what happens in relationships. You mess up. Sometimes you mess up so much you can't really see anything but the mess you're in. But you're still kids. You're still learning. And maybe the whole distance thing was too much for both of you, but that doesn't mean that it can't be fixed."

Against his will, Kurt can feel the tears begin to gather in his eyes. He blinks a couple of times, trying to hold them back. "So you want me to just forget it happened and get back together? Tell him it's fine, he just screwed up and then what? I'm back in New York and he is here and we stay together until he decides again that it's too much? That he can't wait for me and needs more than I can give? I can't. And really, what kind of feminist would I be if I got back together with someone who cheated?"

His smile is mocking and watery and Burt rolls his eyes and scoots closer to him.

"I don't want you to forget. And what I really don't want is you to base your decisions on what society might think about it. What your friends might think. Forgiving him and trying again would take so much more courage than just breaking up. You define what your relationship is worth, not some feminist view on cheating. So don't even go there. If you want to try again, it should be because it's right for you." Kurt nods and feels the first tears inch down his cheeks, rolling his eyes at himself and blinking up at the ceiling to keep them at bay.

"Also, do you really think Blaine would cheat again? I know you were a mess after the break up and when I see you now I think you might still be a mess. But so was he. You learn from your mistakes. I don't think you would let it come this far this time around. And if you're concerned about it, then you should talk to him about it, I'm sure he has an opinion on the matter as well." Burt winks at him and Kurt laughs softly.

"So I think the question is whether you are able to move on from the hurt and betrayal and start a new chapter. If it's now or once Blaine graduates and moves to New York, you should just do whatever feels right. But what I do know is that you love this boy. Have loved him for over two years now. And he loves you. And I think that's pretty special, that you found this kind of love in high school. I should know. I did, too, back in the day and it brought me so much joy and so much life and I want that for you. I don't want you to become bitter and try to date half of New York in an attempt to get over this boy who uses too much hair gel and follows you around like a puppy as soon as you're in the same vicinity."

Kurt laughs again, pursing his lips in thought and reaching for his dad, hugging him tight and so grateful to have him.

"I love you, Dad", he murmurs, pulling back slightly and giving his Dad a genuine smile. Burt just smiles right back and winks again. "I love you, too. I'm glad we had this talk. Just promise me something, ok?"

He stands up and puts a hand on Kurt's shoulder, looking down at him with a serious expression on his face, though his lips are twitching upwards. "Please don't get married until you're at least allowed to legally drink champagne at your wedding."

Kurt guffaws out a surprised laugh and nods in a silent promise, shaking his head and watching his dad disappear up the stairs.

The announcement of his dad's health might have been like surfacing and finally being able to breathe again, but this talk makes him realize that maybe, maybe, he might be able to swim to the shore, despite the unknown depths and sharks and whatever else might lurk in these waters.