Author's Notes: The bike tour was a welcome change; they both spent the day cycling around familiar territory talking about anything and everything whilst they ate a small picnic resting on a bench. When they returned to Kurt's apartment Kurt seemed energised and for the first time sat down with his sketchpad. Blaine busied himself with emails in the office, trying to give Kurt a little space. He'd been through most of them and was logging out when he heard a thud from the living room, he moved to stand in the adjourning hallway watching as Kurt launched his pencils across the room to join his sketchpad.
"Kurt?" Kurt spun around to face him, irritation obvious across his features. His expression softened when he met Blaine's concerned gaze.
"I can't... I tried to design a new suit. I've done it a thousand times, a new suit with a few un orthodox details. So I get halfway through and look at it and it's identical to one I made in college. I've never repeated a design Blaine, never." Blaine nodded in understanding and took a couple of steps forward, stopping when Kurt wound his arms around himself and looked away.
"Okay, well you can't expect everything to just fall right into place." He let his hands fall uselessly to his side.
"This shouldn't have to fall back into place, this should just be. I've never had a problem designing before, not even when you went." A pang of hurt jolted through Blaine's chest; though it was significantly lessened knowing Kurt had forgiven him.
"True, but this is bigger than that Kurt. This is going to affect your emotions, which are directly linked to your creativity; look why don't we just sit and watch a movie? I'll make Cocoa?" He let a small, cheeky grin tug at his lips. Kurt looked up at him, still looking miserable, but nodded and squidged himself into the corner of the sofa. Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt's soft hair and went to make their drinks.
When he returned to the living room, both hands occupied with steaming mugs of hot, cream - topped Cocoa it was to find Kurt sat by the phone; tears streaming down his face, staring blankly ahead. His face had turned violently red and blotchy but no sound escaped his tightly clamped lips. Blaine set the mugs carefully on the coasters on the nearest table and moved to crouch next to Kurt.
"Babe?" No response, not even a flicker of recognition.
"Kurt, talk to me..." He touched Kurt’s arm, the touch seemed to jolt Kurt out of his silence. A huge, body-wracking sob erupted from Kurt as his eyes flickered to Blaine's then back to the phone.
"He's never going to call." At Blaine's furrowed brow Kurt continued.
"There's so much I never told him, t - those stupid phone calls. Now they're never going to come and I'll never h - hear his voice or tell him about my week or us and oh God. Blaine, he'll never meet his grandkids or - or... what about Carol..." Sobs over took his body, tears soaking his porcelain cheeks. He toppled sideways off the chair and into Blaine's waiting arms. Blaine fell onto his ass and pulled Kurt to his chest, his heart breaking as tears of his own breached his eyes.
He didn't know how long they sat there, he knew his butt was numb and he knew they would be there a while longer. Tears were no longer streaming down Kurt's face, but sobs and hiccoughs were still wracking his frame. He suddenly felt so much smaller than the 6'2" man Blaine knew him to be. He didn't loosen his hold on Kurt, even when his arms ached, he refused to detract the small bit of comfort Kurt had actually wanted since his Dad had died. Once the room had gone dark and Kurt's cries had quieted Blaine moved Kurt to the sofa and stretched his legs while turning lights on. He rejoined Kurt on the sofa, pulling him into his arms, his back flush against Blaine's chest.
"So you want to talk?" Kurt shifted a little.
"I - I guess." Kurt's voice was raw from crying, but clear. Blaine remained quiet, letting Kurt take charge.
"I thought I could handle it. I just have this mantra in my head that Dad wouldn't have wanted me to break, would have wanted me to be strong - and God! It's so strange talking about him in the past tense. To me, he's still here you know?" Blaine nodded understandingly, remembering his Father's death and the sense of utter unreal that encompassed him at the time. Knowing the connection Kurt had with his Dad, he knew that pain was increased.
"The thought that he's never going to call Bud, or - never going to hug me. Or even... it was the phone call." He stopped talking and looked right at Blaine, his throat dry, voice cracking as fresh tears welled in his tear ducts.
"Every Thursday he rang at six and I waited... I forgot today, I forgot and...it never rang. It just..." He trailed off and buried his head in Blaine's shoulder. Blaine nodded, feeling foolish for not remembering. He knew no words would help, so just held Kurt close until the tears subsided once more.
**
Kurt stayed home with Blaine the following day, hardly eating despite Blaine's efforts. He sat wrapped in a blanket in the chair his Dad always favored with the television on for a white noise. Blaine suggested reading, but after the fifth book had been dropped to the floor at the side of the chair it was obvious Kurt couldn't concentrate. He tried to fill the day with meaningless tasks instead and left Kurt on his own for short periods of time, never going far so he would be there if Kurt needed him. He fielded phone calls so Kurt wouldn't have to, but after grabbing a quick shower, entered the living room to find Kurt huddled behind the sofa, the phone pressed to his ear looking ready to launch it at the wall. Blaine sat next to him, still only wearing a towel and listened to Kurt's side of the conversation. His voice was clipped and quiet - but dripping with venom.
"This should not be a discussion, Finn all but runs the place as it is." A pause. A muffled voice.
"No, the answer is no. We are not selling it and I am happy for Finn to take it over. He did a great job while Dad was in hospital and I'm not taking his inheritance away from him on your word." Kurt's face had turned blotchy with anger as he stared at the floor as if it had insulted his wardrobe.
"No more. From now on you refer this matter to Finn, he makes the decisions and you listen, understand?" After another couple of seconds Kurt hung up, tossing the phone onto the sofa behind him and shaking his head incredulously. Blaine waited.
"That was - and I use the term loosely - my Dad's 'Second in Command' at the shop. He didn't think Finn ought to run the shop as he's not been 'in service' as long as him. It even states in Dad's will for Pete's sake. I don't understand it, he's always been fantastic, I mean someone my Dad always trusted, he knows my Dad was training Finn up to take over, so for him to disagree with it now makes no sense. I never pegged him as money grabbing or power seeking. There's just no other explanation..." Kurt continued to rant, his arms waving ever more frantically while Blaine listened, knowing better than to interrupt Kurt mid flow. Kurt stood up and started pacing, his voice at almost yelling volume now. Blaine stood so he was at the same level as Kurt, instantly regretting it as a shoe came flying, narrowly missing his shoulder.
"Whoa - Kurt - " He ducked again as a book sailed across the room.
"At least it's a paperback..." he muttered under his breath, earning him and angry glare from his boyfriend. Kurt swung around his chest heaving rapidly to accommodate his labored breathing.
"What Blaine?" His voice was low and deadly, a warning laced in his words. Blaine held his hands up in an attempt to pacify Kurt and his ranting, however the movement only served in his towel unraveling from his waist and pooling around his feet. He instantly stooped to grab it and hastily tie it back around his hips, blushing slightly. Kurt paused in throwing their possessions around the room (many of Blaine's things had found their way to the apartment over the course of the week) and raised an eyebrow at Blaine's bashfulness.
"Seriously Blaine? I've seen you naked since we were sixteen." Blaine smiled nervously.
"Yeah well, it's an automatic reaction." He took a couple of tentative steps toward Kurt, watching for any signs he was going to start throwing things again. A dry chuckle left Kurt's lips and relief flooded Blaine, hysterical crying he could handle; angry, volatile Kurt was a different story. He checked the hold on his towel once more before placing his hands on Kurt's toned biceps, looking deep into Kurt's eyes, Kurt slumped a little accepting the touch.
"Leave it to Finn now. He can handle the shop and everything that goes with it." He waited for a confirmation nod and rubbed his hands up Kurt's arms lightly.
"I'm gonna get dressed, then we'll cuddle up and read or something - yeah?" Kurt nodded and pushed him towards the bedroom. Blaine stumbled, his foot catching on the rug. His torso twisted awkwardly as he tried to regain his balance, but his foot connected with the shoe that had been launched earlier and he fell to the floor with a thud and a sickening crack. He cried out in pain as Kurt rushed to kneel by his side. Tears stung his eyes as pain flared up the length of his arm.
"Oh my God, Blaine. Are you Okay?" He helped Blaine into a sitting position.
"I - I think I broke my arm." He winced when he tried to move his fingers and pain radiated through him sending his brain a little fuzzy.
"Hospital, now - come on I'll help you up." Together they hoisted Blaine to his feet and Kurt began gathering his keys and leading Blaine to the door.
"Uh, Kurt?"
"Yeah?"
"I think maybe - clothes, I need clothes." Blaine cradled his injured arm carefully, trying not to jostle it too much.
"No time Blaine, your arm could be broken."
"Kurt I am not going outside in nothing but a towel." He turned his best puppy dog look on Kurt, aided by the tears still in his eyes.
"Ok, but just sweatpants Okay?" Blaine nodded gratefully.
"I don't think I can get a shirt on over my arm right now anyway."
**
Five hours at the hospital, three crying nurses who had been subjected to Kurt's wrath and a deeply traumatized doctor and Blaine was the proud owner of a brand spanking new luminous pink wrist cast. Kurt hadn't had the heart to fight Blaine over the ostentatious colour because guilt was slowly starting to writhe away at his insides. This was all his fault, he was over emotional and should have been more careful. He failed to keep up his end of the conversation and Blaine noticed. Blaine hadn't visited his own apartment since they first arrived back in New York. He wondered vaguely what that might mean for them. They were both too lost in their own thoughts in the cab on the way back, so Kurt didn't notice the small smile gracing Blaine's features, but Blaine noticed Kurt's silence, but decided not to comment until they were safely ensconced back at home. Home. Blaine hardly thought of his own apartment as home now, having spent so much time at Kurt's.
They collapsed somewhat gingerly on the sofa, both rather worn out from the days rollercoaster like events. Kurt withdrew into himself, clutching the same pillow to his stomach that he'd held when they had first reconnected. Blaine's head, which had been resting on the back of the sofa, flopped to the side to face Kurt.
"Kurt, talk to me. Please don't shut me out now." Kurt continued to stare ahead, trying to gather the words to explain how he was feeling. On one hand he really did want to talk to Blaine, on the other he thought that really Blaine should be given air time right now, you know what with his broken wrist and all. Blaine watched the cogs turn, knowing Kurt was talking himself in circles.
"Just stop thinking for a minute, close your eyes and talk, without worrying what you should be talking about. Okay?" Kurt nodded in response and shut his eyes, taking a couple of deep breaths before starting.
" I guess, I'm worried I'm never going to get over all of this, and then my emotions are so all over the place so much so that I'm violent, Blaine. I hurt you today and that really scares me, at the same time I think it ought to be you who needs comforting and it's not. You're being so, so understanding and amazing about everything. I feel like I'm putting you out or something, you didn't sign up for all of this. I'm... I'm a mess and I don't know how to fix it."
Silence enveloped the room momentarily. Enough for Kurt to open his eyes and glance at his boyfriend a little fearfully, as though he might take off right now and never come back. Blaine saw the fear in Kurt's eyes and instantly enveloped him in a tight one-armed hug. He pressed a warm kiss to Kurt's head, his hair tickling Blaine's nose.
"You could never be a burden to me. You're right I didn't sign up for this specifically. I signed up for you, whether that was you at your best, or your very worst I want you. I think you're right, you probably won't ever get over your Dad, but I wouldn't want you too. It will get easier, but it takes time Baby. It's going to come back and bite you at the worst possible moments and I'll be there, whether I'm at your side or on the other end of a phone. I'm not going anywhere, understand?" A small, almost imperceptible nod. " And this - " He held up his right wrist. " - wasn't your fault, it's just one of those things, I tripped over a show that admittedly you threw, but considering my inherent clumsiness I'd say it's 50/50. You are not dangerous. I am not scared of you. I love you, so much Kurt. You don't even know what it means to me that I'm even able to be here for you for this, I thought I'd lost you forever. And yet, here we are." Kurt sniffled into Blaine's shoulder, but chuckled for the first time in what seemed like forever and angled his head so he could kiss Blaine's stubbly jaw.
If he could keep Blaine, keep this comfort, keep this love he thought that maybe, just maybe he'd be Okay one day. Maybe it really could get easier, with Blaine's help. Well, they needed to help each other really he realised. They might just make it.
The bike tour was a welcome change; they both spent the day cycling around familiar territory talking about anything and everything whilst they ate a small picnic resting on a bench. When they returned to Kurt's apartment Kurt seemed energised and for the first time sat down with his sketchpad. Blaine busied himself with emails in the office, trying to give Kurt a little space. He'd been through most of them and was logging out when he heard a thud from the living room, he moved to stand in the adjourning hallway watching as Kurt launched his pencils across the room to join his sketchpad.
"Kurt?" Kurt spun around to face him, irritation obvious across his features. His expression softened when he met Blaine's concerned gaze.
"I can't... I tried to design a new suit. I've done it a thousand times, a new suit with a few un orthodox details. So I get halfway through and look at it and it's identical to one I made in college. I've never repeated a design Blaine, never." Blaine nodded in understanding and took a couple of steps forward, stopping when Kurt wound his arms around himself and looked away.
"Okay, well you can't expect everything to just fall right into place." He let his hands fall uselessly to his side.
"This shouldn't have to fall back into place, this should just be. I've never had a problem designing before, not even when you went." A pang of hurt jolted through Blaine's chest; though it was significantly lessened knowing Kurt had forgiven him.
"True, but this is bigger than that Kurt. This is going to affect your emotions, which are directly linked to your creativity; look why don't we just sit and watch a movie? I'll make Cocoa?" He let a small, cheeky grin tug at his lips. Kurt looked up at him, still looking miserable, but nodded and squidged himself into the corner of the sofa. Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt's soft hair and went to make their drinks.
When he returned to the living room, both hands occupied with steaming mugs of hot, cream - topped Cocoa it was to find Kurt sat by the phone; tears streaming down his face, staring blankly ahead. His face had turned violently red and blotchy but no sound escaped his tightly clamped lips. Blaine set the mugs carefully on the coasters on the nearest table and moved to crouch next to Kurt.
"Babe?" No response, not even a flicker of recognition.
"Kurt, talk to me..." He touched Kurt’s arm, the touch seemed to jolt Kurt out of his silence. A huge, body-wracking sob erupted from Kurt as his eyes flickered to Blaine's then back to the phone.
"He's never going to call." At Blaine's furrowed brow Kurt continued.
"There's so much I never told him, t - those stupid phone calls. Now they're never going to come and I'll never h - hear his voice or tell him about my week or us and oh God. Blaine, he'll never meet his grandkids or - or... what about Carol..." Sobs over took his body, tears soaking his porcelain cheeks. He toppled sideways off the chair and into Blaine's waiting arms. Blaine fell onto his ass and pulled Kurt to his chest, his heart breaking as tears of his own breached his eyes.
He didn't know how long they sat there, he knew his butt was numb and he knew they would be there a while longer. Tears were no longer streaming down Kurt's face, but sobs and hiccoughs were still wracking his frame. He suddenly felt so much smaller than the 6'2" man Blaine knew him to be. He didn't loosen his hold on Kurt, even when his arms ached, he refused to detract the small bit of comfort Kurt had actually wanted since his Dad had died. Once the room had gone dark and Kurt's cries had quieted Blaine moved Kurt to the sofa and stretched his legs while turning lights on. He rejoined Kurt on the sofa, pulling him into his arms, his back flush against Blaine's chest.
"So you want to talk?" Kurt shifted a little.
"I - I guess." Kurt's voice was raw from crying, but clear. Blaine remained quiet, letting Kurt take charge.
"I thought I could handle it. I just have this mantra in my head that Dad wouldn't have wanted me to break, would have wanted me to be strong - and God! It's so strange talking about him in the past tense. To me, he's still here you know?" Blaine nodded understandingly, remembering his Father's death and the sense of utter unreal that encompassed him at the time. Knowing the connection Kurt had with his Dad, he knew that pain was increased.
"The thought that he's never going to call Bud, or - never going to hug me. Or even... it was the phone call." He stopped talking and looked right at Blaine, his throat dry, voice cracking as fresh tears welled in his tear ducts.
"Every Thursday he rang at six and I waited... I forgot today, I forgot and...it never rang. It just..." He trailed off and buried his head in Blaine's shoulder. Blaine nodded, feeling foolish for not remembering. He knew no words would help, so just held Kurt close until the tears subsided once more.
**
Kurt stayed home with Blaine the following day, hardly eating despite Blaine's efforts. He sat wrapped in a blanket in the chair his Dad always favored with the television on for a white noise. Blaine suggested reading, but after the fifth book had been dropped to the floor at the side of the chair it was obvious Kurt couldn't concentrate. He tried to fill the day with meaningless tasks instead and left Kurt on his own for short periods of time, never going far so he would be there if Kurt needed him. He fielded phone calls so Kurt wouldn't have to, but after grabbing a quick shower, entered the living room to find Kurt huddled behind the sofa, the phone pressed to his ear looking ready to launch it at the wall. Blaine sat next to him, still only wearing a towel and listened to Kurt's side of the conversation. His voice was clipped and quiet - but dripping with venom.
"This should not be a discussion, Finn all but runs the place as it is." A pause. A muffled voice.
"No, the answer is no. We are not selling it and I am happy for Finn to take it over. He did a great job while Dad was in hospital and I'm not taking his inheritance away from him on your word." Kurt's face had turned blotchy with anger as he stared at the floor as if it had insulted his wardrobe.
"No more. From now on you refer this matter to Finn, he makes the decisions and you listen, understand?" After another couple of seconds Kurt hung up, tossing the phone onto the sofa behind him and shaking his head incredulously. Blaine waited.
"That was - and I use the term loosely - my Dad's 'Second in Command' at the shop. He didn't think Finn ought to run the shop as he's not been 'in service' as long as him. It even states in Dad's will for Pete's sake. I don't understand it, he's always been fantastic, I mean someone my Dad always trusted, he knows my Dad was training Finn up to take over, so for him to disagree with it now makes no sense. I never pegged him as money grabbing or power seeking. There's just no other explanation..." Kurt continued to rant, his arms waving ever more frantically while Blaine listened, knowing better than to interrupt Kurt mid flow. Kurt stood up and started pacing, his voice at almost yelling volume now. Blaine stood so he was at the same level as Kurt, instantly regretting it as a shoe came flying, narrowly missing his shoulder.
"Whoa - Kurt - " He ducked again as a book sailed across the room.
"At least it's a paperback..." he muttered under his breath, earning him and angry glare from his boyfriend. Kurt swung around his chest heaving rapidly to accommodate his labored breathing.
"What Blaine?" His voice was low and deadly, a warning laced in his words. Blaine held his hands up in an attempt to pacify Kurt and his ranting, however the movement only served in his towel unraveling from his waist and pooling around his feet. He instantly stooped to grab it and hastily tie it back around his hips, blushing slightly. Kurt paused in throwing their possessions around the room (many of Blaine's things had found their way to the apartment over the course of the week) and raised an eyebrow at Blaine's bashfulness.
"Seriously Blaine? I've seen you naked since we were sixteen." Blaine smiled nervously.
"Yeah well, it's an automatic reaction." He took a couple of tentative steps toward Kurt, watching for any signs he was going to start throwing things again. A dry chuckle left Kurt's lips and relief flooded Blaine, hysterical crying he could handle; angry, volatile Kurt was a different story. He checked the hold on his towel once more before placing his hands on Kurt's toned biceps, looking deep into Kurt's eyes, Kurt slumped a little accepting the touch.
"Leave it to Finn now. He can handle the shop and everything that goes with it." He waited for a confirmation nod and rubbed his hands up Kurt's arms lightly.
"I'm gonna get dressed, then we'll cuddle up and read or something - yeah?" Kurt nodded and pushed him towards the bedroom. Blaine stumbled, his foot catching on the rug. His torso twisted awkwardly as he tried to regain his balance, but his foot connected with the shoe that had been launched earlier and he fell to the floor with a thud and a sickening crack. He cried out in pain as Kurt rushed to kneel by his side. Tears stung his eyes as pain flared up the length of his arm.
"Oh my God, Blaine. Are you Okay?" He helped Blaine into a sitting position.
"I - I think I broke my arm." He winced when he tried to move his fingers and pain radiated through him sending his brain a little fuzzy.
"Hospital, now - come on I'll help you up." Together they hoisted Blaine to his feet and Kurt began gathering his keys and leading Blaine to the door.
"Uh, Kurt?"
"Yeah?"
"I think maybe - clothes, I need clothes." Blaine cradled his injured arm carefully, trying not to jostle it too much.
"No time Blaine, your arm could be broken."
"Kurt I am not going outside in nothing but a towel." He turned his best puppy dog look on Kurt, aided by the tears still in his eyes.
"Ok, but just sweatpants Okay?" Blaine nodded gratefully.
"I don't think I can get a shirt on over my arm right now anyway."
**
Five hours at the hospital, three crying nurses who had been subjected to Kurt's wrath and a deeply traumatized doctor and Blaine was the proud owner of a brand spanking new luminous pink wrist cast. Kurt hadn't had the heart to fight Blaine over the ostentatious colour because guilt was slowly starting to writhe away at his insides. This was all his fault, he was over emotional and should have been more careful. He failed to keep up his end of the conversation and Blaine noticed. Blaine hadn't visited his own apartment since they first arrived back in New York. He wondered vaguely what that might mean for them. They were both too lost in their own thoughts in the cab on the way back, so Kurt didn't notice the small smile gracing Blaine's features, but Blaine noticed Kurt's silence, but decided not to comment until they were safely ensconced back at home. Home. Blaine hardly thought of his own apartment as home now, having spent so much time at Kurt's.
They collapsed somewhat gingerly on the sofa, both rather worn out from the days rollercoaster like events. Kurt withdrew into himself, clutching the same pillow to his stomach that he'd held when they had first reconnected. Blaine's head, which had been resting on the back of the sofa, flopped to the side to face Kurt.
"Kurt, talk to me. Please don't shut me out now." Kurt continued to stare ahead, trying to gather the words to explain how he was feeling. On one hand he really did want to talk to Blaine, on the other he thought that really Blaine should be given air time right now, you know what with his broken wrist and all. Blaine watched the cogs turn, knowing Kurt was talking himself in circles.
"Just stop thinking for a minute, close your eyes and talk, without worrying what you should be talking about. Okay?" Kurt nodded in response and shut his eyes, taking a couple of deep breaths before starting.
" I guess, I'm worried I'm never going to get over all of this, and then my emotions are so all over the place so much so that I'm violent, Blaine. I hurt you today and that really scares me, at the same time I think it ought to be you who needs comforting and it's not. You're being so, so understanding and amazing about everything. I feel like I'm putting you out or something, you didn't sign up for all of this. I'm... I'm a mess and I don't know how to fix it."
Silence enveloped the room momentarily. Enough for Kurt to open his eyes and glance at his boyfriend a little fearfully, as though he might take off right now and never come back. Blaine saw the fear in Kurt's eyes and instantly enveloped him in a tight one-armed hug. He pressed a warm kiss to Kurt's head, his hair tickling Blaine's nose.
"You could never be a burden to me. You're right I didn't sign up for this specifically. I signed up for you, whether that was you at your best, or your very worst I want you. I think you're right, you probably won't ever get over your Dad, but I wouldn't want you too. It will get easier, but it takes time Baby. It's going to come back and bite you at the worst possible moments and I'll be there, whether I'm at your side or on the other end of a phone. I'm not going anywhere, understand?" A small, almost imperceptible nod. " And this - " He held up his right wrist. " - wasn't your fault, it's just one of those things, I tripped over a show that admittedly you threw, but considering my inherent clumsiness I'd say it's 50/50. You are not dangerous. I am not scared of you. I love you, so much Kurt. You don't even know what it means to me that I'm even able to be here for you for this, I thought I'd lost you forever. And yet, here we are." Kurt sniffled into Blaine's shoulder, but chuckled for the first time in what seemed like forever and angled his head so he could kiss Blaine's stubbly jaw.
If he could keep Blaine, keep this comfort, keep this love he thought that maybe, just maybe he'd be Okay one day. Maybe it really could get easier, with Blaine's help. Well, they needed to help each other really he realised. They might just make it.