There were good days.

Those good days were filled with his nieces' laughter and cute text messages from Kurt. During the good days, Blaine was able to see a future where he could forget the past and start living in the present instead. He went to work with Cooper and came back home to help Madison with dinner while he danced around the kitchen singing Disney songs for Ava and Olivia. He didn't think a lot about Kurt – at least not in a way linked to what had happened to them before. He did think about him with hope and love, but the thought of the man he had been in love with for so long didn't bring dark feelings and self-loathing. They were days when he felt like his own person, not the vestiges of someone else, someone who had been broken and dead for a very long time.

Those were days when he looked in the mirror and didn't feel like punching his reflection. He adjusted the newest bowtie Kurt had sent him and smiled a little, feeling closer to the man he truly wanted to be.

*

There were also bad days.

At first they came often, a few times a week. Then they decreased, but they didn't disappear. Blaine woke up in the morning and couldn't see the sun shining through the curtains, only felt enveloped by darkness. Those days he remembered everything he had done – to Kurt and to himself – so vividly that it was like doing it all over again. He couldn't stand to be close to his nieces because he was afraid of hurting them, and sitting with Cooper and Madison for breakfast was enough to make him feel like the biggest disappointment. He was forcing his family to put up with him, but he should have been alone, because it was what he deserved. He would never be anything but a screw-up. He hurt the people he loved and deserved to suffer because of it. He looked in the mirror and saw a monster – someone who broke everything he touched. He couldn't even make himself read Kurt's texts or answer his calls – what if this was the moment when Kurt realized Blaine wasn't worth his time? What if he decided he was better off without him? What if he was tired of waiting for Blaine to get his shit together and act like a man?

Yes, the bad days were fewer now, but they were still there, lurking around the corner, ready to bring Blaine back down just when he had managed to pull himself together.

Every day was a battle, and Blaine did his best to win, but sometimes the forces he was fighting were so much stronger than he was.

*

Saturday Brunch with Rachel was one of the few things that kept Kurt from going nuts. Knowing he could sit with his best friend once a week for a long talk and delicious food was enough comfort to get him through his loneliness and eagerness.

It had been two months since he had returned to New York and though things with Blaine improved little by little every day, there were times when Kurt felt like they were taking a million steps back. He had known it would be a long road, but the separation was taking a heavy toll on him.  He was afraid that Blaine would grow into someone who wouldn't need Kurt at all. And though Kurt wanted Blaine to get better no matter what, it still hurt thinking that maybe the best for Blaine would be to leave Kurt where he belonged: in the past.

“…Kurt?”

Kurt blinked and looked up from his omelet to see Rachel leaning across the table towards him, brows furrowed and slightly concerned. “Yes?”

“Were you even listening?” She asked.

Kurt sighed and put his fork down. “I'm sorry, no. What were you saying?”

“It doesn't matter. Why don't you tell me what's bugging you?” She sat back and smiled at him encouragingly.

Kurt picked at his food distractedly. “It's Blaine, of course. He had another bad day this week and just… it kills me, you know? I feel like I'm not doing anything to help him, but it's not like he would let me if I tried…”

“He needs to figure this out on his own,” Rachel pointed out softly, patting his hand. “You can't rush him.”

“It's just… I know I'm being stupid and selfish, but when he's like that, I wonder if maybe he wouldn't be better off without me,” Kurt closed his eyes. Every time he thought of this he felt like crying, but he would not make a scene in a restaurant. “I'm afraid I'm holding him back. What if what he truly needs to get better is to let go of me? I didn't want to get a divorce. I told him we could use it as proof that we have faith in us, but… what if this isn't what he needs?”

“Well, then he'll tell you,” Rachel answered with a sad smile. “That's a step towards recovery, too. If he doesn't need you or this relationship anymore, he needs to come clean and say it.”

“God, I don't know,” Kurt dropped his face in his hands. He had been up quite late the previous night just thinking about this over and over. “I just wish I knew what's going on in his head…”

“Look Kurt. I know you're scared to push him, but you can't put your life on hold indefinitely, until he decides if he wants to be with you or not. “

“But Rachel…” He stopped abruptly when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He fished it out and found he had a new text from Blaine. “It's him.”

“And?” She prompted curiously.

Kurt read the text. “He wants to know if I can Skype later.”

“You should use this opportunity to lay all the cards on the table and be honest, Kurt,” Rachel said with a meaningful look on her face.

“Rachel, don't take this wrong way, but you give terrible advice,” Kurt replied as gently as he could. “I'll probably call my dad later and use him as a sounding board.”

Rachel rolled her eyes. “Do as you please. I know I'll never be able to compete against Burt Hummel.”

“Mm, no. I've learned that my father is a very wise man,” Kurt murmured distractedly as he replied to Blaine's text, saying he would be there and that he couldn't wait to see him.

Maybe looking directly into Blaine's eyes would reassure him that they were on the right track, even if their separation weighed heavily on both of them.

*

As soon as Kurt saw that Blaine was online, he made the call and waited for it to connect. He was smiling already – just the idea of seeing Blaine was enough to send a warm sensation all over him – but once the image was clear on the screen, his heart melted.

Blaine was sitting at the desk in his room, but he wasn't alone. One of the twins was sitting on his lap and looking at the computer with a curious but excited grin.

“There's Kurt. Say hi, Ava,” Blaine instructed, kissing her soft blond hair as he glanced at the screen to look at Kurt.

“Hi Kurt!”

“Hey, beautiful. What are you doing there with your Uncle Blaine?” He asked, as she waved at him enthusiastically.

“He said I could say hello. I like your scarf. It's so pretty,” Ava muttered as she reached as if to touch the screen. “Isn't it pretty, Uncle Blaine?”

“Very pretty,” Blaine nodded, still looking at Kurt. He smiled. “Hi.”

“Hi, sweetheart,” Kurt replied happily. Blaine's comfortable posture implied it had been one of the good days.

Ava giggled. “Kurt! Why are you calling Uncle Blaine that? That's what Daddy calls Mommy.”

“Oh, I…” Kurt glanced at Blaine, at a loss. What was he supposed to say to a little girl about their very complicated situation?

“He calls me that because Kurt and I love each other just like your Mommy and Daddy love each other,” Blaine explained simply, causing Kurt's insides to vibrate with happiness, and oh, how he wished he could pull that wonderful man into a kiss right now…

“Oh,” Ava exclaimed, thoughtfully, her cute little face scrunching up as she considered what her uncle had just said. “Okay!”

Kurt laughed, relieved. It was beautiful to witness how simple even the most difficult situations could be through a child's eyes.

“I'm gonna go find Olivia now,” Ava said, quickly losing interest in them. “Bye!”

“Bye, Ava! Say hello to your sister for me!” Kurt exclaimed, waving as he did his best to bite back more laughter.

Blaine watched her until Ava was out of the room, and then turned his gorgeous hazel eyes back towards Kurt. He gave him a little smile. “Hey.”

“Hey. That was a really nice explanation you gave her,” Kurt said, leaning his cheek on his hand and staring at Blaine happily. God, all the tension and anxiety he had felt that day seemed to vanish just by talking to him for a couple of minutes.

“Mm. I could see you panicking about it all the way from here,” Blaine replied softly. He looked quite relaxed. “How are you?”

“I was about to ask you the same thing. You had a couple of rough days this week, didn't you?” Kurt asked, his voice serious and his heart heavy.

Blaine sighed tiredly. “Yeah, I did. I tried to push through them, but… I don't know. It's like no matter what I do, I can't escape from the weight on my shoulders.” His eyes travelled over Kurt's face, wide and sad. “I'm so sorry, Kurt.”

“Why are you sorry, sweetheart?” Kurt tilted his head to the side, not sure what Blaine was apologizing for.

“Keeping you stuck. You've been really wonderful and I wish I could say I've made some progress…”

“But you have made some progress,” Kurt retorted firmly. “Blaine, it's only been two months. I know it feels like longer because we miss each other, but you have improved so much… I can tell. Maybe you aren't all the way there yet, but you are well on your way.”

Blaine didn't respond, beyond a shrug. Kurt waited, because he could tell Blaine was trying to work through something in his head.

“I'm…” Blaine started, but then he stopped to clear his throat. “There's something I think we need to talk about.”

“Okay…” Kurt prompted, not without a little fear. He had no idea where this was going.

“I think I figured out why everything keeps haunting me so much,” Blaine explained, running a hand down his tired face. “We have an unfinished business, Kurt. We never… we never talked about t-the cheating.”

Kurt swallowed. God, he really didn't want to talk about it. “And… you think it'll help if we talk about it?”

“I can't forgive myself until I manage to talk about it, stop bottling it all up inside. I need you to know,” Blaine bit his lip and looked at Kurt unsurely. “Am I asking too much of you?”

Kurt gave it some serious thought for a minute or two, while Blaine waited, because he owed him a considered answer, instead of just agreeing with everything he said to avoid conflict. But he also didn't want to do anything they would regret later. “I think it will be very hard for us to do that. I'm willing to sit and talk about it, if you really need to. I… maybe I'm putting a lot of weight into that part of our past, too. Maybe we'll finally manage to grow up and move on if we put an end to it…”

Blaine exhaled a long breath, and Kurt realized it had taken a lot of courage for him to ask Kurt this, and that he had been scared of his reaction. “Thank you.”

“Can I ask you something, though?” Kurt asked tentatively. Blaine nodded immediately. “I think this is a conversation we need to have face to face. It'll be hard for the both of us and I want to be able to hold you if you need me to. So… can you give me a couple of weeks? I need to put a few things in order in the office and then maybe I could fly to Los Angeles…”

“What if I come to New York?” Blaine proposed instead. “Cooper's secretary will be back next week, so he won't need me anymore. Plus, I'd like to see your world, get to know you again…”

Kurt smiled. Just the thought of Blaine standing in his apartment, sleeping in his bed… god, he wanted that so much. “Of course, yes. Yes.”

Silence fell on them, giddy and dreading at the same time, because even though they were excited about being together again, they knew this visit could be what determined what was going to happen to them.

But whatever happened, they knew it was a step they needed to take.

*

They decided to spend a whole weekend together – Blaine's plane would land on
Friday afternoon, and he would leave again on Monday morning. Kurt wanted to pick him up at the airport, but he had a meeting he couldn't get out of, so Blaine assured him he was fine meeting him at the office so they could go to his apartment together.

Even though they were both nervous about the conversation they were going to have, seeing each other again was enough to make them happy. No matter what happened, Blaine would at least get a good hug out of Kurt. Hopefully, it wouldn't be the last.

He hadn't been back in New York since the break-up. As the taxi struggled through the city traffic, Blaine let his eyes wander through the buildings, the people, the parks, the lights and the life that seemed to ooze from the streets. He tried not to linger too much on the memories – Callbacks and his tearful rendition of Teenage Dream; Battery Park and the truth pouring out of him; the loft and Kurt lying on the bed next to him, so close and yet so far already – although maybe it was very fitting that they were going to have this very important conversation in the same place where things had fallen apart. Maybe it would contribute to giving them the closure they needed.

The Condé Nast building came to view just as Blaine shook himself from his thoughts. The driver maneuvered the car skillfully to park it at the curb and Blaine paid the fare before grabbing his bag and exiting onto the crowded sidewalk. People didn't seem to stop for a minute in New York – they just pushed anyone who was in their way to keep going, always busy, always with a destination in mind. Blaine pushed past the glass doors and found a security guard who controlled the entrance to the elevators. He approached him.

“Hi. My name's Blaine Anderson. I'm here to see…”

“Oh, you're Mr. Hummel's husband!” The man said with a nod, startling Blaine. “He told me you were coming. Do you know where his office is?”

“Ah, yes, yes,” Blaine said wide-eyed. There was a crumpled piece of paper in his pocket with the address and the instructions on how to get to Kurt's office.

“Come in,” the guard said, granting him access.

Blaine passed towards the elevators, still stunned. “Thank you!”

As he waited for the elevator to get to Kurt's floor, he looked at himself in the mirror and adjusted his bowtie nervously. There were three sharply-dressed women with him there, and two of them eyeing him critically. He tried to ignore them – he didn't want that prickling feeling of not being good enough to invade him now. He was about to see Kurt and he wanted to enjoy that.

He descended on Kurt's floor, immediately looking for the desk with the petite red-head Kurt had mentioned. He found it almost at the end of the hall, blocking his path towards the glass-walled office where he could already see Kurt, standing at a white board and writing things up, completely lost in thought.

He cleared his throat and the girl looked up at him. “Yes?”

“Hi. I'm Blaine Anderson. I'm here to see Kurt Hummel,” he announced.

“Just a second, please,” she said politely, before pulsing a button on her phone. It must have buzzed in Kurt's office, because Blaine watched him move towards his desk and do the same.

“Yes, Clara?”

“You have a visitor, Mr. Hummel,” she said in a playful tone, which made Blaine suspect that Kurt had told her all about it.

Kurt didn't even reply. As soon as he looked up and his gaze found Blaine, a huge grin spread on his face and he rushed out of the office and towards him. Blaine couldn't fight the happy laugh that bubbled out of him as they met again, Kurt immediately throwing his arms around his neck and pulling him closer.

“Oh my god, you're here,” he murmured into Blaine's ear, as Blaine wrapped his arms around his waist and hugged him as tightly as he could, letting go of his bag so it thumped to the floor. They embraced for what felt like a very long time, before Kurt pulled away to look at him in the eyes, cupping his face. “You're here.”

“I am,” Blaine said, smiling widely. He was dying to kiss him, but he wasn't sure if he was allowed or not.

“I missed you so much,” Kurt whispered, and solved Blaine's dilemma by placing a soft, quick kiss to his lips.

Blaine wanted to say that he had missed him, too. He wanted to whimper and hide his face on Kurt's neck and breathe him in. He wanted to stay pressed to him for the rest of his life and never move again. But he was too overwhelmed to do anything at all, so he simply closed his eyes for a moment and let Kurt hold him.

Kurt finally recalled they were at his workplace, and pulled away from the hug, blushing fiercely, then pulled Blaine close again, entwining their fingers, as if he couldn't bear to be separated from him.

“How rude of me, I'm sorry. This is Clara, my wonderful assistant,” he said rolling his eyes at himself. Blaine extended his free hand at her as Clara stood from her chair and shook it with a radiant smile. “Clara, this is Blaine, my husband.”

The word, uttered for the second time when Blaine wasn't expecting it, moved him so deeply that he zoned out from the conversation for a few seconds. Kurt was actually saying he was his husband to the people he worked with – did that mean Kurt was proud to be with him?

“… so we'll be in my office for a while, okay?” Kurt was saying to his assistant, as he started guiding Blaine to the office. “Hold my calls, please, unless it's urgent.”

“No problem, boss,” she said with a wink.

Kurt closed the door behind them and then pressed a button on the wall that lowered a white blind, giving them some privacy from anyone who walked outside the office. Once they were alone and away from prying eyes, Kurt once again pulled Blaine into his arms, now melting into the embrace freely.

“My meeting's in twenty minutes, but I just want to…” Kurt mumbled a little desperately. His fingers dug into Blaine's back. “Is this okay? I didn't mean to practically attack you…”

“This is perfect,” Blaine replied, and this time he did bury his face against Kurt's neck. He smelled like gardenia and coffee, and Blaine wanted to stay there forever.

“How was your flight?” Kurt asked as he rubbed Blaine's shoulders.

“Long. But it doesn't matter anymore,” Blaine nuzzled softly under Kurt's jaw, and felt the other man shiver in his arms.

“I can't believe you're here…” Kurt whispered in a watery voice. “And you're not on a computer screen…” Blaine chuckled. Kurt pulled away and looked Blaine up and down. “And you're not wearing those ugly black t-shirts.”

Blaine bit back his smile as he looked down at his sky blue polo neatly tucked into tight black high water pants. He had added a black and blue bowtie that Kurt had sent him only a few weeks ago and a nice pair of loafers to complete his outfit. He looked like a very mature version of the boy Kurt had fallen in love with in high school. He had cut his hair in a way that allowed him to keep his curls tamed without having to gel them, though. Kurt's gaze roamed over him, and Blaine had never understood what people meant when they talked about being devoured with someone's eyes until that moment.

“I'm trying to find my style again,” Blaine shrugged as nonchalantly as he could.

“I approve so hard,” Kurt said, biting his lip. “You look amazing.”

“Thank you. You do, too, but that's no surprise.” It was his turn to look Kurt up and down now. He was wearing tight grey pants and black leather shoes with a burgundy button-down. He had his sleeves rolled up and a blackbird brooch was perched on the pocket on his chest.

Kurt Hummel had always been one for details.

“Mm, sometimes I forget what a sweet talker you are…” Kurt hummed just before leaning in for a quick peck.

However, Blaine had other plans. He placed his hand on the back of Kurt's neck and kept him there to deepen the kiss a little bit. They were still standing on dubious ground, but they had been apart for a little over two months and they couldn't help themselves.

Every wet slide of Kurt's lips on him set him on fire, and judging from the breathy sounds coming from Kurt, he was burning, too. One thing was sure about their relationship, even if everything else was yet to be determined: the desire had never vanished within them. It had remained steady and flaming despite everything else.

“Oh god,” Kurt groaned as Blaine took his pause as a chance to nibble on his lower lip. “If we don't stop now I'm going to throw you onto my desk and do very, very naughty things that I should not do in my office…”

Blaine whimpered as he imagined the possibilities. “I like where you're going with this…”

Kurt dropped his head onto Blaine's shoulder and whined. “I can't go to my meeting with a hard-on. Or thinking about what I'd rather be doing.” He sighed in frustration and kissed the corner of Blaine's mouth. “I don't want us to rush. If we're actually going to be doing any of that this weekend, I want us to take our time and enjoy it.”

“You're right,” Blaine said with a little smile. “I'm sorry. I just really, really missed you.”

“Me too,” Kurt muttered, and after taking a deep breath, he pulled away from Blaine's arms entirely. “So, my meeting shouldn't take more than an hour. I hope you won't get bored. You can use my computer or get coffee or…”

“I'll be fine. It probably would have been better for you if I went straight to your apartment, but I wanted to see you as soon as possible,” Blaine reassured him, as Kurt guided him to the couch near the window so they could sit down. “And I'd rather you gave me a tour of your place yourself.”

“Alright,” Kurt agreed. They sat with their hands tangled on his lap and looked down at them for a moment. “So, I've been thinking… and I want us to have the conversation tonight, if that's okay with you. That way we can try to push through the hard stuff and we still have a whole weekend to enjoy together.”

“That sounds logical,” Blaine said thoughtfully. “But… what if the conversation doesn't go the way we hope it will and then the rest of our weekend is ruined?”

Kurt looked at him softly. “Sweetheart, I'm sure it won't be easy, but… I don't think what you're going to say is going to change my mind about what we have now. We already broke up because of it ten years ago. I'm sure we'll have stuff to work through and disagreements, but believe it or not, Blaine, I have forgiven you.”

Blaine breathed out slowly. Kurt's words eased him a little, even though there was always an underlying layer of fear. “Okay.”

Kurt grinned. “Okay.”

Everything already felt brighter, simpler, happier, and Blaine couldn't imagine anything going wrong, not when Kurt was holding his hand so tightly.

*

They left Kurt's office hand in hand two hours later, and Kurt flagged down a cab expertly in no time. They sat close together in the backseat and Kurt gave the driver the address where they were going.

“I thought we could stop at this fantastic deli near my apartment and pick up some dinner,” Kurt said as the cab started cruising through the city. “They make a delicious salmon salad, and their chicken enchiladas are to die for.”

“That sounds great,” Blaine said sincerely. He hadn't had much to eat since that morning.

“I promise I'll be a good host and cook for you tomorrow,” Kurt said, scrunching up his face and caressing Blaine's cheek. “I'm useless in the kitchen on Fridays, especially when I had weeks as long as this one.”

“Oh, Kurt, please. You don't have to worry about me,” Blaine replied, kissing the curve of Kurt's shoulder. “I didn't come to the other side of the country only so you would cook for me.”

“Well, I still wanted to,” Kurt pouted, but his eyes were shining happily.

They got out of the cab when they arrived at the deli Kurt had mentioned. They picked up their dinner and then walked towards Kurt's apartment, which was only a couple of blocks away. It was a beautiful night and Chelsea was a beautiful neighborhood, though, so neither minded.

“How long have you lived here?” Blaine asked as they walked.

Kurt readjusted his hand in his and moved a little closer so their hips bumped as they walked. “A few years. It's not as spacious as the loft was, but it's in a nicer neighborhood.”

Kurt's apartment was elegant and homey at the same time. The living room had welcoming light green walls that looked wonderful with the dark hardwood floors. There were pictures of Kurt's family hanging on the walls and sitting on shelves pretty much everywhere, and a stack of Vogue on the coffee table. The furniture was stylish, like right out of a magazine, but the couch looked comfortable, inviting.

“I'll give you the tour later,” Kurt said as he put his messenger bag into the closet by the door. “We should probably eat before the food gets cold.”

They settled at the kitchen table, with Blaine opening the food containers spread out before them, while Kurt got them some water. Blaine admired the beautiful, yet functional kitchen. It looked like Kurt still enjoyed cooking, when he had the time.

They let the conversation flow easily, avoiding heavier topics that they knew would come up later anyway. Kurt told him all about his latest brunch with Rachel, while Blaine talked about his nieces non-stop, with his eyes full of love. They laughed as they shared the food, Kurt stealing some chicken from Blaine's plate, while Blaine scooped some of Kurt's salad onto his fork. It seemed natural and perfect, and though there were nervous and uncertain glances every now and then, they smiled shyly and simply continued.

Kurt refused to allow Blaine to help him tidy the kitchen afterward, so Blaine asked if he could shower. Kurt showed him around the apartment and where to find everything, then left him. Blaine stood under the spray, hoping the shower would help him clear his mind before the big conversation.

Now that he was actually here, he felt much calmer. He could feel Kurt's love and devotion that clearly showed how much he mattered to him. Seeing that glowing smile when Kurt first saw him at the office was proof enough to him that Kurt wanted their relationship to survive. And being introduced as his husband told Blaine that Kurt had faith they would make it.

God, Blaine really wanted to believe that his life was finally falling back into place. He was starting to believe he was in a place where, if things went wrong, he thought he would be able to let go of Kurt now and try to build his life in a different way. It would hurt, of course, because he loved him with everything he was, but loving Kurt wasn't a matter of life or death anymore. His life wasn't black or white. There was a large variety of grey shades he needed to start exploring.

That thought alone was enough to tell Blaine he had made progress in the past few months.

And, hopefully, he would be making even more progress tonight.

Kurt had changed into his pajamas by the time Blaine met him again in the living room. He looked comfortable and warm, and Blaine wanted to curl up by his side and stay there for a few hours, but he knew he would need some distance to keep his thoughts in order.

“I put your stuff in my room,” Kurt informed him as Blaine sat on the couch next to him, leaving enough room between them that their sides weren't touching.

“It's okay,” Blaine said, a little jerkily. His hands were sweating a little.

“Hey,” Kurt muttered softly and Blaine looked up at him. “Everything's going to be fine. We'll talk and we'll figure things out together. You can say whatever you need to say, and I won't judge you or get upset.”

Blaine rolled his eyes self-depreciably. “How do you know that?”

“Because I already went through the angry stage ten years ago. Then the hurt stage. Now I'm ready to make my peace with it, understand, and put it in the past. I want to have this conversation because it'll help us get closer, not because I'm looking for ways to fight with you,” Kurt explained patiently, squeezing Blaine's hand. “Just remember I love you, and let's get through this together.”

Blaine felt overwhelmed with gratitude, relief and love. He leaned towards Kurt and captured his lips in a kiss. “I love you too. Thank you so much.”

They held each other for a minute or two while Blaine tried to find the best way to start. Kurt waited patiently, stroking his back and pressing kisses to his temple, until Blaine pulled away while taking a deep breath, and closed his eyes for a moment to gather strength before he started talking.

“His name was Eli. I met him on Facebook,” Blaine started, unlinking his hand from Kurt and sitting very straight. He focused his gaze on the wall in front of him. “He invited me to his house, and even though I knew why he did it, I knew what he was expecting from me… I went anyway. I… I had talked to you on the phone that day and you were so caught up in everything at the office that I thought everything was over between us. I know I was stupid and that I should have tried harder to talk to you and to tell you how I was feeling, but I couldn't find a way to make you listen.”

Blaine could tell that Kurt was biting his tongue to stop himself from interrupting. He continued before Kurt could say anything, because he just wanted to get everything out as soon as he could.

“I was convinced we were over, so… I just let him do whatever he wanted to me. As soon as he put his hands on me, I felt sick and wrong, but I couldn't stop him. It was like the worse I felt, the more I needed to do it. I guess… I thought that if you were going to leave me, after all, I wanted you to have a real reason. If you left me just because you loved New York and your life here more than you loved me, then I wouldn't have been able to take it. I was so used to disappointment and people pushing me away, but I didn't want those things coming from you…”

Kurt sniffed quietly, still doing his best to not interrupt Blaine as he talked. Blaine wanted to apologize for making him sad, but he knew they needed this. He needed this. It was the only way he would ever heal.

“I… I remember that he left me alone in his bed afterwards, and it just hit me… how you and I were meant to be together and how what we had was true love, and how I had just ruined that, thrown your trust away and stepped all over our love as if it didn't matter.” Blaine closed his eyes. He could still see Eli's room so clearly, feel the rough sheets against his skin, the foreign hands on his body. He felt nauseous just remembering. “I got out of his house as quickly as I could and I'm not even sure how I got home, and then I came to New York and basically blamed you for what I had done, telling you that you hadn't been there for me and… god, I was such an asshole.”

As Blaine hid his face in his hands in embarrassment, Kurt scooted a little closer to him on the couch, hoping he could comfort Blaine a little.

“Sweetheart,” he said softly. “I was partly responsible. I didn't stop caring about you – I never did. But when I came to New York, it felt like I was being set free. After eighteen years in Lima, Ohio, I felt like I was being allowed to be exactly who I was without having to give any explanations. I got this fantastic internship that I wouldn't have dared even dream of, and suddenly everything was happening so fast. I didn't know how to balance my life in New York with my life in Lima. There were weeks when my dad had to call and tell me to stop, because I hadn't phoned him in days. But the difference is that he knew that once the initial excitement wore off, I would go back to being the same Kurt I had always been. There was just too much to do and too much to see at first.” Kurt wiped his tears away. “I'm not saying that was a valid reason to make you feel like I was leaving you behind, but I want you to know how I was feeling. I never stopped loving you, Blaine. I was just having a hard time being what you needed and what I suddenly could be. I'm so sorry.”

“I still shouldn't have cheated on you,” Blaine murmured sadly, and Kurt could feel Blaine's self-loathing creeping back into him.

“No, but even though it was the wrong thing to do, I can sort of understand why you did it, now,” Kurt said bitterly. “I wasn't listening. I wasn't giving you an opportunity to be part of my life. I should have handled things differently, or at least answered your calls afterwards. If we had talked about this back then, we would have solved it a lot sooner. For that, I'm so, so sorry, sweetie.”

Blaine nodded and turned a little so he could press himself against Kurt's chest, suddenly needing the comfort that only Kurt's embrace could provide. “You're being too nice.”

“I told you already – I've forgiven you,” Kurt placed a kiss on the top of his head. “How can I still be mad at you for it, Blaine? You have punished yourself enough. You didn't care about that guy. You didn't cheat on me because you were horny and I wasn't there. But I need to know that whenever you feel like you felt back then again, you'll come to me and tell me. You have to promise that you'll make me listen even if you have to shake me. And I promise that I will always listen when you need to talk, and I'll never make you feel like you don't belong in my life. There will always be a place for you in my life, Blaine. Always.”

Blaine couldn't hold back his sobs anymore, and he clung onto Kurt's shirt as he allowed the dam to break and the tears to fall. He had let the memories of that disastrous day choke him and poison him for so long, and now that he had finally told Kurt about it, Kurt didn't push him away in disgust. He understood him and accepted him, and even apologized for his own mistakes. This was more than Blaine had dreamed of in his many years of repentance and shame.

Kurt loved him, without conditions or limitations, and Blaine was finally starting to understand that.

*