After a very long, tearful conversation, Kurt sat numbly on the edge of the bed, watching Alex pack. They'd decided that he would return to New York first and remove his belongings from their apartment, to avoid any more painful encounters. Clearly, their relationship was over, no matter how much Alex begged him to reconsider.

Alex clung to Kurt when he hugged him goodbye at the door, obviously reluctant to leave. Kurt's heart broke all over again – he hated to be responsible for someone else's pain, especially since Alex had been nothing but wonderful to him from the moment they had gotten together.

“I'm sorry,” he said for the millionth time, and his voice was hoarse from all the crying.

“If you change your mind…” Alex started saying, but Kurt interrupted him, unable to discuss this once again.

“Alex…” He muttered, cautioning.

Alexandre swallowed with difficulty and nodded. “I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't push you…”

“It's not that. You know I wish I could give you what you want…” Kurt whispered sadly. “But I can't. It just wasn't meant to be.”

It was obvious Alexandre didn't agree with that, but they both knew there wasn't anything else to say, and that Kurt wouldn't change his mind, no matter what.

Kurt pulled away and smiled at him sadly. He wanted to keep apologizing, but knew the words weren't enough anymore. Alex grabbed his suitcase and looked at him one last time – even though they worked together sometimes, this could very well be the last time they ever saw each other. It was as if Alexandre wanted to etch the shape of Kurt's face, the color of his eyes and the softness of his hair into his memory, so he would never forget him.

“Au revoir, mon ange,” he whispered, and walked away.

Kurt watched him, but when he didn't feel the same pang of regret and sadness he had felt when he had watched Blaine walk away from him, he knew he had done the right thing.

The first few steps back to Blaine had been taken – now he needed to get ready for the rest of this very long road.

He just hoped Blaine still wanted to take it with him.

*

Even though he was dying to run back to Blaine's apartment, Kurt made himself wait. He had just broken up with his fiancé and had decided in a matter of minutes that he wanted to give his ex-boyfriend a chance. It was all very confusing, and he knew he needed to take a step back and think about what he was doing before he rushed into something he wasn't ready for.

He spent the hours after Alexandre left replaying what had happened the past few days in his head. He thought about Blaine and how difficult things would be if they tried to be together again. He thought about the years he had spent hurting, and how Alexandre had been a Band-Aid, but hadn't been able to cure any wounds. He thought about how crazy he was for wanting to do this, but how right it felt at the same time.

Life didn't come without risks. His happiness was at stake, but he knew Blaine held the answers and the possibilities for a happily-ever-after.

The next day, he knew there was something he needed to do that he couldn't keep putting off. Kurt had always felt better after talking things through with his father, and he would have to tell his father about what had happened eventually.

What better time than the present? Kurt thought as he dialed his dad's number.

It rang a few times before Burt's powerful voice appeared on the other end of the line, immediately filling Kurt with relief. In a way, he would never stop being that little boy who had always needed his dad to comfort him after something happened.

“Kurt! I was just telling Carole that I was thinking about giving you a call tonight,” Burt said, and Kurt could hear his stepmother in the background, telling her husband to send Kurt her love. “How are you, buddy? Are you still in Los Angeles?”

“Yes.” Kurt replied briefly, his voice hoarse from pent up emotion. Burt immediately picked up on the sound of his voice, thick with worrying. Immediately the atmosphere changed from friendly interest, to worried concern.

“Kurt? What's wrong? What happened?” His father asked. Kurt wished he wasn't so far away, so he could melt against his side, to let him soothe him, and tell him everything would be okay. Things were always okay, if Burt said they would be.

“I… I broke up with Alex,” Kurt muttered and he realized there was a fresh batch of tears coming. He reached for the box of tissues on the nightstand and held it to his chest.

There was a second or two of silence as Burt took in the news. “Are you okay?”

Kurt was still too affected to notice there wasn't even the smallest surprise in his dad's tone. “I will be, I guess. It's still… difficult. I never meant to hurt him. He didn't deserve it.” Kurt sniffed and blew his nose on a clean tissue. “Dad, I… I slept with Blaine.”

Burt sighed heavily. “I'm not gonna lie, buddy. I had a feeling something would happen between you two. No matter how pissed at each other you are, how hurt or frustrated… there's a spark between you that you will never be able to put out. I've never seen two people with more chemistry…”

“I just feel so awful,” Kurt said miserably. “I spent a decade mad at Blaine because he cheated on me and then I did the same thing to the one man who never did anything to hurt me. Why am I such a horrible person?”

“Why did you break up with Alex, Kurt?” Burt asked patiently.

“Because it was the right thing to do,” Kurt replied, shifting so he could hide under the blankets and hug his pillow. “I told him what I did…”

“A horrible person wouldn't have said anything, married the guy and lived a lie until the end of his days,” Burt said. “You're not a horrible person, Kurt. You couldn't stand the thought of lying to him…”

“Of course not. He deserves better…”

“And so do you. I know you've always thought I didn't like Alex, but I have nothing against him. He's a wonderful man who treats you like a prince and I couldn't ask for a better husband for you… but I also always knew that you didn't belong with him, and that you would never be a hundred percent happy with him.”

Kurt frowned. “But I was happy with him. Two weeks ago I wouldn't have changed a damn thing in my life…”

“Kurt, you're my son and I'll always be able to see right through you. Alex was great, perfect even… but he wasn't the man you wanted,” Burt murmured kindly. “The man you wanted broke your heart so you spent a decade trying to figure out how to live your life with a hole inside of you that you didn't know how to fill.”

Kurt sniffed again and reached for another tissue. “I hate that you know me so well.”

Burt chuckled and the sound managed to warm Kurt a million times more than the blankets around him. “I'm sorry, buddy, but I love you, so I gotta be honest with you.”

“I love you too,” Kurt whispered, wishing again that his dad's arms were around him, to comfort him.

“I know. And I know you love Blaine, too,” Burt said softly. “So what does he have to say about all this?”

“I don't know. I haven't seen him again,” Kurt sighed sadly. “He showed up here, to give me the signed divorce papers, and then took off, before I could react. I think he hit a wall dad. I've never seen him like that.”

Kurt told his father about everything that had happened since the last time they had spoken, not leaving any details out – except for those very intimate ones that had to do with the night they had spent together. It didn't matter how much he could trust his father, Burt definitely didn't need to know about that to understand the full situation.

Burt was silent for a moment once Kurt finished talking and Kurt didn't push him to say anything, knowing his dad needed to process what he had just said, and content with the pause that allowed him to listen to his dad's steady, comforting breathing.

“Oh that poor boy,” he finally muttered and Kurt could hear the pain in his words. “He tortured himself for too long. It was bound to end like this.”

“I've been dying to go to his apartment, but I'm not sure it's the right time. Do you think I should…?” Kurt asked, hoping against reason that his father would say yes.

“I think you're doing the right thing. You're not the only one coming to terms with this new change, Kurt. I bet Blaine is trying to come to terms with the fact that the only thing that kept him going for so many years is over,” Burt answered calmly. “You just broke up with your fiancé and this whole situation has been more than difficult. I think you need to wait. You can't go looking for him if you're still crying about Alex…”

“But…” Kurt wanted to protest, ignore his father's advice and go to Blaine's apartment.

“Kurt.” Burt cut him off. “You're asking for my opinion and I'm giving it to you. You both have stuff to figure out on your own before you can start making decisions together.”

“But what if he does something stupid? You haven't seen what he's capable of,” Kurt bit his lip, worried, as he remembered the bottles of alcohol and pills. “I don't want him to hurt himself.”

Burt considered what Kurt had told him about Blaine's problems. Neither of them wanted anything drastic to happen to him, but he had to trust that Blaine had managed this long because he wanted to survive. “He's stronger than you're giving him credit for. If he signed those papers for you, it means he's trying to make things right, so I don't think he'll hurt himself. It isn't going to help him make any progress if you go back to him now, while you're still grieving over Alex. Give it some time, Kurt, before you confront him again.”

Oh, Kurt really hated when his father was so logical and wise. “You're right,” he admitted heavily. “I need to give him a bit more time. But I'm not… I feel terrible about Alex, but I'm not confused, Dad. I love Blaine. I've always loved Blaine. He's the man I need.”

“Then put your thoughts in order, come up with a way to make this work and go get him back,” Burt said. Getting Blaine back… just the thought made Kurt's heart speed. “And make sure to tell him I miss him and that I would love to talk to him, if he wants to give me a phone call.”

Kurt smiled into his pillow and thanked his lucky stars for having such a wonderful, understanding father. “Thanks, Dad.”

“You're welcome, buddy.”

For the first time since this whole mess had started, Kurt had the feeling that everything would be okay.

*

Cooper stood by the window, smiling as he watched Blaine play hide and seek with his daughters. Olivia was easily visible hiding behind a spindly tree, but Blaine was pretending he had no idea where she was, looking the wrong way while she giggled in delight.

He knew he had done the right thing when he had decided to ask Blaine to stay with them. Even though his brother still looked miserable most of the time, the genuine smiles he wore when he was around his nieces gave Cooper hope.

Cooper and Madison had stayed up the first night Blaine spent with them, getting rid of every bottle of alcohol they had in the house and checking they didn't have anything that would put Blaine in danger available to him inside the house. They kept the girls' allergy and cold meds in Madison's nightstand and threw away everything else – his wife had told him maybe they were overreacting a little, but Cooper wanted to make sure that his brother would be safe. A movie had been enough to trigger Blaine before – he didn't want to take any risks.

He hadn't allowed Blaine to go back to his apartment, either. He had gone himself to get his brother some clothes and other personal items that he might need, but he wasn't sure if going back there would be helpful or damaging to him. Cooper had taken the chance to raid the apartment as well, but he hadn't been able to find a single drop of alcohol or pills. He packed Blaine's clothes, his guitar and his boxing equipment, but left the picture of Kurt behind. Blaine needed to put Kurt where he belonged – in his past. Keeping mementos of his ex-boyfriend wouldn't help him heal. It would keep him stuck in his heartbreak, and he had already wasted too much time.

Cooper and Blaine had installed the boxing bag in the basement, and Blaine used it at least once a day, when he felt especially vulnerable and needed a way out. He took his frustrations and pain out on the bag, and he usually looked a lot calmer after a good hour or two in the basement on his own. Cooper was still worried, but he knew Blaine wouldn't get better in the blink of an eye. He was still struggling.

The guitar, however, had remained untouched. Music had always been a wonderful outlet for Blaine, but he didn't sing, listen to the radio or play anymore. Cooper guessed it was too painful for him – music had always been a link between him and Kurt, and when one is heartbroken, it's too easy to find the person you love, miss and need in every lyric. Cooper hoped he would manage to overcome it someday. He missed his brother's beautiful voice filling every corner of the house. He wouldn't even sing the girls to sleep…

A hand settled on his arm and Cooper looked down at his wife. She was also staring out the window, watching her daughters and brother-in-law.

“He looks healthier…” She muttered, as if she was trying to find the bright side.

“He doesn't look any happier, though,” Cooper replied with a sigh.

Madison kissed the curve of his shoulder and squeezed his arm for comfort. “These things take time. He'll get there. At least he doesn't have to get by on his own anymore. He has us now.”

“I know,” Cooper closed his eyes for a moment and then turned fully to his wife. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to kiss her forehead.

“We need some groceries. I think I'm going to go to the store now and take the girls with me. You can spend some time with Blaine, talk to him. Ava and Olivia are always with him lately, and I know you've been meaning to have a real conversation with him,” she said and Cooper wondered how he had gotten so lucky, finding such a perfect woman.

“You're the best,” he kissed her and then she pulled away with a smile, before walking to the kitchen door and calling the girls into the house.

Cooper helped Madison buckle the girls into their booster seats, kissed them and promised he would make burgers on the grill for dinner. His delighted daughters waved happily as their car drove down the street.

Blaine was getting a bottle of water from the fridge when Cooper went back into the house. His brother's hair was curling around his face and his cheeks were flushed after running around with the girls all afternoon. Madison was right. He did look healthier.  

“You do know you don't have to do everything they want you to, right?” Cooper teased with a smile. “You're not one of their dolls. You don't have to play with them all day long.”

“I love to play with them,” Blaine replied, leaning against the counter. “I'm making up for lost time. I missed them.”

“I know you did,” Cooper looked at his brother for a few seconds and then sighed. “Blaine, we need to talk.”

Blaine's eyes widened in dismay, looking terrified. His free hand grasped the edge of the counter so tightly his knuckles turned white. “I… you want me to leave, don't you? Did I do something wrong? Is it because Olivia fell from the swings when we went to the park yesterday? I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for her to get hurt, I swear. I was helping Ava with her shoe laces…”

“Blaine, Blaine!” Cooper raised his hands in front of him to stop his brother's frantic words. “Calm down. No one's kicking you out. You didn't do anything wrong. The girls always have silly little accidents when they're playing. Don't worry about that.”

Blaine swallowed and his grip on the counter relaxed, but he still looked nervous. “Okay?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something completely different,” Cooper cleared his throat and tried thinking of the best way to say what he wanted to say. “I've been thinking that it would be good for you to find something you want to do. Something you enjoy. Have you thought about what you want to do with your life?”

The question seemed to terrify Blaine just as much as his first comment.  “I… no. I know I'm not doing much to help around here, and I…”

“Blaine.” Cooper interrupted firmly, looking at his brother with an arched eyebrow. “Stop assuming that we're going to kick you out. You're not doing anything wrong.” He decided not to give Blaine time to jump into more incorrect conclusions. “I just mean that maybe it could be beneficial for you to have something more constructive to do. Maybe get a job...or go back to school. We would support anything you want to do with your life. Having a goal, and something to keep you busy besides the girls dragging you to the park every day would be nice.”

Blaine nodded slowly and looked down at his own feet for a moment. Cooper realized he was trying to come up with a way to say something, so he allowed him to think. “I… I know you may think it's silly, but I've been thinking that maybe I could try writing.”

Cooper was surprised. He had come up with a list of things his brother would maybe find enjoyable so he could encourage him to pursue one of them, but writing hadn't been one of them. “Writing? You mean, songs?”

Blaine frowned, as if he was thinking very hard about something. “No… I mean, like books. A novel, maybe. I think it could… you know, help me express the things I've kept inside for so long. I feel like no one ever tells the villain's side of the story…”

Cooper smiled sadly. “Blaine… you're not a villain.”

Blaine shrugged, still not looking at his brother. “I'm not a hero either.”

Cooper parted his lips, ready to protest, but the doorbell rang in that moment. He sighed and then pointed at Blaine. “We're not done talking about this.”

Blaine looked half resigned, half amused. Cooper turned and exited the kitchen, walking down the hallway to the front door as the person outside started knocking impatiently.

“I'm coming, I'm coming! Jeez,” Cooper muttered under his breath, annoyed.

He pulled the front door open and found the last person he had expected to see. Kurt stood before him, with red-rimmed eyes and looking completely distraught. The hand he had raised to keep knocking on the door was trembling.

“Kurt?” Cooper asked in a low voice. He didn't want Blaine to know he was here.

“Oh Cooper, thank god,” Kurt said in a choked voice. “You have to help me. Blaine is gone.”

Cooper's lips set in a straight line. “Kurt…”

“I went to his apartment and he wasn't there. The woman who lives down the hall told me she hasn't seen him in a week…” Kurt continued frantically, desperately. “I went to his usual diner and to the bar he sometimes works at, but no one has seen him. Please, Cooper, we need to do something. What if he did something stupid?”

Cooper remained calmed. He needed to get Kurt to leave as soon as possible. “Kurt. Why are you still here? You should be back in New York already.”

Kurt stopped abruptly and stared at him with wide eyes that were quickly filling with tears. “Cooper, aren't you listening? Blaine has disappeared! Anything could have happened! You need to help me find him.”

“Don't worry about Blaine. Just go home, Kurt,” Cooper insisted firmly.

“How can you say that? Don't you care that your brother might be lying on a ditch somewhere? How can you be so heartless?” Kurt exclaimed, as his concerns and hopelessness gave way to anger. “I don't care what he did in the past! I don't care if he didn't fit into your family! You can't just turn your back on him like this!”

“Please, lower your voice,” Cooper asked him, quickly glancing over his shoulder to check if Blaine was still in the kitchen. “And listen to me, Kurt. Don't worry about Blaine. Just go home, marry your fiancé and go on with your life. There's nothing else for you to do here.”

“I can't believe you…” Kurt started saying, but cut himself off when Cooper looked over his shoulder again as he began to close the door to keep Kurt outside. “Wait!” Kurt almost shouted, planting the palm of his hand against the white-painted wood to keep Cooper from closing the door. “Cooper… do you know something I don't?”

Cooper looked at him intently, almost begging for Kurt to just give up. “Go. Home.”

Kurt covered his mouth with his hand and let out a shuddering breath. “Is… is he here?”

Cooper sighed impatiently. It was a matter of time before Blaine walked out of the kitchen and saw Kurt. He needed to avoid that at all costs. “Like I said, don't worry.”

Kurt took his words for a confirmation. Relief washed over his face at realizing Blaine was alive and well, after all, and he closed his eyes for a moment to regain some control. Cooper began closing the door once more, but Kurt stopped him, looking determined. “I want to see him.”

“That's not a good idea,” Cooper replied severely, not leaving any room for discussion. “It's better this way, Kurt. Just leave.”

“No,” Kurt said stubbornly. “I'm not leaving until I see him. I need to see with my own two eyes that he's okay.”

“We would be having a very different conversation if something had happened to him, I can assure you of that,” Cooper murmured fiercely.

“Cooper, let me see him.”

“Go home.”

“Cooper…”

“No. I'm drawing a line here, Kurt. You need to respect this…” Cooper muttered as quietly as he could, once again looking over his shoulder. God, he didn't even want to think about what seeing Kurt would do to Blaine right now…

“Cooper, I want to see him,” Kurt insisted and Cooper was very close to just slapping some sense into him.

“You are not seeing him, Kurt.”

It seemed Kurt had reached his limit. It was obvious he had had enough, after looking for Blaine everywhere and assuming the worst had happened to him. The hand he had pressed against the door to keep it open closed into a fist and pounded on the wood with the kind of strength no one ever attributed to Kurt at first glance. “He's my husband and I want to see him!” He yelled.

Cooper flinched – Kurt's voice had been loud enough to echo through the house. He opened his mouth to plead one more time, but knew there was no point in it when Kurt's gaze suddenly shifted from his face to something behind him.

“Kurt?” Blaine said hesitantly.

“Blaine…” Kurt exhaled the name in relief before pushing past Cooper and into the house, where Blaine stood in the middle of the hallway, watching him with wide eyes. Kurt rushed towards him and enveloped him in his arms, holding him tightly and burying his face against his shoulder. “Oh god, you're okay. You're okay.”

Blaine seemed stunned, but he wrapped his arms around Kurt nonetheless and Cooper watched the way his face shifted, how his eyes closed and he was instantly melting into the embrace, right where he had always belonged.

“Blaine,” he pleaded desperately.

Blaine opened his eyes and looked at his brother without letting go of Kurt, who was struggling to stop crying. “It's okay, Coop.”

“I don't think…” Cooper began saying, but only one glance from Blaine was enough to cut him off.

“Just give us a few minutes, alright? It's okay,” he repeated, as if wanting to assure his brother.

Cooper knew there was no point in arguing now. He wouldn't be able to rip them apart even if he tried. “Fine. I'll… I'll be in my room. If you need anything…”

“I know. Thank you,” Blaine said in a quiet voice.

Even though it was the last thing he wanted to do, Cooper walked up the stairs and let his little brother alone with the man who had the power to destroy the little progress Blaine had made in the past few days.

He just hoped he would be able to pick up the pieces and put them back together once Kurt left.

*

Blaine's scent was intoxicating and Kurt didn't want to let him go. When he hadn't been able to find him anywhere, he had felt like the world was crumbling upon him and he hated himself for not trying to find him sooner, for giving Blaine time to hurt himself. But here he was, in his arms, clinging to him as tightly as he was, breathing, warm and very much alive.

“I thought… I thought…” Kurt murmured, doing his best to contain his sobs.

Blaine rubbed his back comfortingly and waited patiently until Kurt felt like he could breathe again. Only then did Kurt find the strength to pull away and stared at Blaine's face. He seemed okay – he was clean-shaven and the dark marks under his eyes weren't as pronounced as they had been the last time he had seen him. He seemed to have even put on a little weight in the past few days.

“You're okay,” he muttered.

“I am,” Blaine replied softly. His hazel eyes didn't stop moving all over Kurt's face, fixing on his eyes only to shift down to his lips and over his cheekbones and back to his eyes. Kurt didn't understand, but it seemed like Blaine was looking for something. “Are you?”

“I couldn't find you,” Kurt answered in distress.

“I've been here since I saw you at the hotel. I came straight here when I left. Cooper and Madison let me stay with them,” Blaine explained. His hand wasn't rubbing Kurt's back anymore, and Kurt didn't realize he had stopped holding him until then. His own arms were still wrapped around Blaine tightly, but Blaine seemed hesitant whether he was allowed to touch him or not.

Kurt knew if they were going to talk that he should let go, but he wasn't ready to yet, after thinking he'd lost him forever.

“You…” Blaine looked down at the floor and away from Kurt. He cleared his throat. “You told Cooper I was your husband.”

“You are,” Kurt said softly, cupping Blaine's face and running his thumb up and down his jaw.

“I signed the papers,” Blaine mumbled in a dark, miserable voice.

Kurt pulled away enough to reach his messenger bag. He opened it and extracted the same envelope Blaine had given him at the hotel that terrible day. Blaine recoiled a little at the sight of them, as if looking at them was enough to hurt him. “I still have them with me. They don't mean anything until I give them to my lawyer.”

“Then why are you still here? I thought you would be in New York by now,” Blaine said, wrapping his arms around himself like a shield, and taking a step away from Kurt.

“I broke up with Alex,” Kurt replied, startling Blaine, who had clearly been expecting anything but that. “I'm not engaged anymore. Alex and I… we were just kidding ourselves. We were never meant to be.”

“I thought you loved him,” Blaine murmured.

“I did. But I wasn't in love with him. There's only been one person I've ever fallen in love with, and it wasn't Alex,” Kurt looked into his eyes and then grabbed one of his hands, squeezing it gently. “It doesn't matter how many years we spend apart or how much we hurt each other… it'll always be you, Blaine. There hasn't been anyone but you.”

A sob threatened to escape through Blaine's lips. “You… you don't mean that.”

“I do,” Kurt said sweetly, stepping closer to him. “I just wish I had realized it sooner.”

“Kurt…”

“I love you,” Kurt smiled at him. It felt so good to finally say those words to Blaine. “I'll always love you, Blaine.”

Tears began trailing down Blaine's cheeks. He sniffed and tried valiantly to wipe them away, but more came to replace them. “Kurt, you… I…”

“I know,” Kurt whispered, placing his hands on Blaine's shoulders and stepping closer to him until he could lean their foreheads together. “I know, Blaine.”

“I spent the past ten years dreaming of the day you'd say those words again,” Blaine murmured with a broken voice.

Kurt had to bite his lips to stop his own tears from spilling down his face. “I'm sorry, Blaine. I'm sorry we got so lost…”

“I love you,” Blaine sobbed, as his hands pressed against Kurt's chest, desperately clutching his clothes. “I love you so much…”

Unable to resist for one more second, Kurt tilted his head until his lips pressed against Blaine's. Blaine gasped into the kiss, as if he hadn't been expecting it at all, and kissed back, tentatively at first, but eagerly as soon as he realized Kurt wasn't going to pull away. Kurt wrapped him in his arms as their mouths fit together in that perfect way only two pieces from the same puzzle can. From the moment Blaine had kissed him for the first time in Dalton's common room, Kurt's lips, heart and soul had belonged to him. Nothing had ever felt as right as this again.

Just as Kurt was really getting into the kiss, pulling Blaine's lower lip between his own to suck on it light, Blaine abruptly pulled away, took a step back out of Kurt's arms, leaving him baffled.

Alarmed, Kurt frowned. “What is it? Are you okay?”

Blaine closed his eyes and buried his fingers in his hair, tugging at his curls a little in despair. “I can't do this.”

Kurt felt as if the floor had disappeared from under his feet and he was suddenly falling, falling into an endless void without knowing if he'd ever stop. “W-what do you mean? You just said you love me,” Kurt muttered, watching as Blaine started pacing, still tugging at his hair. “Blaine, please. We belong together. We always have. And I know it's been complicated between us, but I don't want to waste any more time. I don't care how crazy this is – I want to be with you again. I want to give us another shot…”

Blaine finally stopped pacing and dropped his hands. The heartbroken expression on his face made Kurt's heart stutter in his chest. “Kurt… I'm sorry. I can't.”

“Why not?” Kurt asked, like a spoiled little boy who didn't understand why his parents couldn't give him another cookie.

“Because I…” Blaine stopped, took a deep breath, and when he glanced back at him, Kurt could see the shame and the pain that he had been carrying around for so long reflected in his gorgeous, tired hazel eyes. “For ten years, I haven't been able to grow up, to live, to think, to plan. I was lost and the only thing I could think of was you. I built my days around you – around not having you, not seeing you and around the pain I caused you. Everything I am now… is just pain and regret and so much fucking shame, Kurt…”

“I'm here now…” Kurt mumbled, still confused. “You don't have to…”

“You don't understand,” Blaine cut off, defeated, and the sadness surrounding him seemed to fill the room. “You just said you love me… but how can you love someone you don't know? The boy you fell in love with is dead, Kurt. I killed him so long ago…” Blaine shook his head. “What if we give this another shot only for you to realize you don't like the man I've become? I wouldn't blame you for that. I don't really like him, either…”

“Don't say that,” Kurt took a step closer and was happy when Blaine allowed him to cup his face. At least Blaine wasn't rejecting him. “A-are you trying to say that you don't want to be with…?”

“Of course I want to be with you.” Blaine interrupted, because the idea that he wouldn't want Kurt was insane.  “But I want you to be sure that you're with the man you want to be with, a man who deserves you. And right now...Kurt, I don't deserve you. I'm a complete mess.”

Kurt couldn't hold back the tears anymore. “Why does this feel like you're breaking up with me? We aren't even back together yet…”

“I'm not breaking up with you,” Blaine reassured him, wiping the tears off his face sweetly, and then caressing his cheekbones with the tips of his fingers. “I would never break up with you. But… I need to heal. I need to find myself again. It's been a decade, Kurt, and I'm so tired. I need to build myself up again and I just… I need to make sure I can live without you. I need to learn how to live without you.” Blaine pressed their foreheads together and stared into Kurt's blue eyes. “I need you to understand this – I want to be with you and I love you with all my heart… but if I don't learn how to be without you, how to be whole without you… then I won't make it. It's too hard. It hurts too much and it's consuming me. I… I didn't allow myself to heal when I should have and now it's too much. I can't do this.”

Kurt was beginning to understand what Blaine was trying to say. He was scared they might end up on different paths, but he had to allow Blaine to find his own way, to get better.

“I love you,” Blaine said again, without hesitation. “I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I want to be able to be with you more than anything in my life… but if I don't give myself time to heal, grow up and learn… I'll hurt you again, and I'll hurt myself.” Blaine took a deep breath and pulled away a little. “Do you think you can give me some time?”

Kurt ran his fingers through Blaine's messy curls lovingly. God, he loved this man. How had he fooled himself for so long? “I'll give you anything you want,” he replied with a little smile. “I want you to be happy, Blaine, and if that means we can't be together yet… then I'll wait, because I already know that no matter who you end up being, I will always want to be with you.”

Blaine kissed him once more, softly and briefly, pulling away too soon for Kurt's taste. He wanted more, but he wasn't going to push. They both had been hurt because by the other for too long, but Blaine had ended up with a lot more bruises and scars. Kurt only wished he could do something to help him get better.

“Can I…” Kurt murmured, as he buried his face against Blaine's neck, taking in his scent and warmth. God, now that he had him this close, he didn't know how he had managed to survive without him for ten years. “Can I ask you something, though? A kind of condition.”

Blaine nodded and dropped a kiss to his temple. “What is it?”

“I don't want to get divorced,” Kurt answered, shocking Blaine. He lifted his head to look at him in the eyes. “I mean… if you end up deciding you don't want us to be together again, then of course, we'll… we'll get divorced. But… I want to stay married to you and see it as a sign of faith that we'll make it. Because I believe in you, Blaine, and I know you'll come back to me…”

Blaine sniffed as he hugged Kurt closer. “Are you sure? That's what you want?”

“If it's okay with you…” Kurt said, hesitantly.

“It's what I've always wanted,” Blaine whispered against his ear. He kissed the sensitive spot behind it, making Kurt shiver in his arms. “And this doesn't mean we won't see each other or that we won't talk… I just need a little time and space to figure my life out, to learn who I am.”

“I know. And I'll be right here if you need me,” Kurt pressed his hand against Blaine's heart, finding the gentle pound of his heartbeat comforting against his fingertips.

“I love you,” Blaine said, as his arms tightened around him.

Kurt closed his eyes and memorized how it felt to be so close to him, just in case. “I love you too.”

Sometimes love wasn't enough, but it helped keep the hope alive and light the way.

*