The longer Cooper remained silent, staring at him in mild shock, the more Blaine regretted coming back to see his brother. He kept his arms wrapped around himself, knowing it was the only thing keeping him together right now, and lowered his eyes to his shoes when the intense blue gaze felt like too much.

He had been so stupid. Why had he thought Cooper would help him? He didn't deserve to be helped…

“Blaine…” Cooper murmured, sounding bewildered. He shook his head slightly, and cleared his throat, leaving all his questions unasked for now. He looked back over his shoulder at the empty corridor and then back at his brother. “Why don't you come in?”

Blaine glanced back at him in surprise at those words. He had expected Cooper to give him some sort of excuse and dismiss him. Some other time, if he had been angry as he used to be, he would've lashed out at Cooper, but not now. He was done hiding behind his anger, especially since he had always only been angry at himself.

Cooper opened the door wider, inviting Blaine to step inside. He entered tentatively, feeling like he was stepping into the past. He hadn't been here in years, but it felt exactly the same, warm and welcoming as ever. This had been the best home Blaine had ever had. When he lived with his parents, he had always felt like he was constantly choking, waiting for the moment when he could break free. His parents hadn't made it easier for him, either – they had never bothered denying they were only putting up with him until he was old enough to leave. His current apartment was a dumpster, a refuge more than a home, somewhere where he could hide from the world and wallow in his own anguish without people bothering him. But this… this house was everything Blaine imagined a home was. The memories of living with his brother and finally feeling like he was part of a loving family had been pushed to the back of his mind when they had turned too painful to think about.

Cooper guided him into the kitchen, which also looked just as Blaine remembered it. The only change seemed to be the drawings on the refrigerator's door, held by magnets. He had to bite his lips to stop his tears – his nieces were old enough to walk, talk and draw now. He had missed so much…

“Take a seat,” Cooper said, sounding a bit awkward. Blaine couldn't blame him. He felt the tension too.  “I'll make some coffee and we can talk.”

Blaine nodded carefully. “Yeah, I… I'd like that.”

“Good,” Cooper gestured towards the kitchen table and Blaine took a seat on the edge of one of the chairs.

Blaine forced himself to unclench his hands, and clasped them against the surface of the table, trying to still their constant tremors. He had no idea what was going to happen next, or what Cooper was going to say or do to him.

I did the right thing.

If he had done the right thing, why did he feel so sick?

Cooper had been watching him as he searched for the coffee in the cupboard. “Have you eaten lately?”

The question confused Blaine for a moment. He remembered getting up this morning and throwing up all the alcohol and pills that were still in his system. He remembered drinking the previous day. He couldn't remember a single meal. “I… no. Not since… uhm…”

Wordlessly, Cooper walked towards the fridge and pulled it open. He stared at the contents for a moment, and then pulled several things out, before moving to the pantry and doing the same. Blaine looked at him for a second, but then returned his eyes to his own hands. It seemed easier that way. It seemed easier to ignore that he and his brother were practically strangers now.

A white plate appeared before him soon after, with a sandwich on it. Blaine blinked up at his brother, feeling lost.

“Roasted chicken, lettuce, tomato, onions, mustard, farmhouse bread...” Cooper listed. He looked serious, but his eyes were fixed on Blaine. “That's still your favorite, right?”

Blaine felt a little choked up. His lower lip trembled a little. “I… yes. Yes, it's still my favorite.”

“Then eat up,” Cooper answered, going back to finish making their coffee. “You look like you need it.”

Blaine ate slowly. It didn't matter how long it had been since he had had a decent meal, he was still too overwhelmed to be truly hungry. He couldn't stop thinking about Kurt and what life was going to be like from now on. He felt blind – he couldn't see ahead. His immediate future was enveloped in darkness and too many things were uncertain.

Cooper put two cups of coffee on the table and sat in front of him. He watched his younger brother for a minute or two without saying anything, and Blaine waited, wishing Cooper could be the one to get the conversation started, but knowing he was the one who had to explain himself.

He noticed how quiet the house was. He chewed another bite of sandwich and then asked: “Where's, uh, Madison?”

He knew his sister-in-law wouldn't be thrilled to see him, and he didn't want to cause his brother any trouble. Maybe he should've thought this through a little better…

“She's out with the girls. They needed new shoes,” Cooper replied quietly.

The girls. God, he missed them so much. He kept his eyes on his sandwich, realizing he couldn't swallow any more food. There was a lump in his throat. “How are the girls?”

“Great. Getting bigger every day,” Cooper said, the fondness and pride clear in his voice.

Silence fell upon them once more and Blaine fought to keep his thoughts in order. So much had happened in just a few hours, and he felt like running away and screaming at the top of his lungs.

I did the right thing.

“Blaine,” Cooper said in a firm, but gentle voice. Blaine looked up at him, startled. “Are you going to tell me what's going on?”

Blaine started nervously picking at his nails. “I don't really know where to start…”

“Well, you said you needed help…” Cooper offered carefully.

“Yeah, but… I… it's too complicated,” Blaine was picking so hard at his nails that he was about to draw blood. He almost jumped a foot in the air when Cooper put his hand on top of his to stop him.

“Whatever you need to say… I'm here, and I'll listen, Blaine,” he assured him, and it took all the strength Blaine had left not to crumble on the table and cry.

Those words were enough to make Blaine feel sufficiently safe to start talking. “I… I guess it all started back in high school. When I… when I cheated on Kurt. I know everyone thought he was just my high school sweetheart and that it would be over and we would move on, but I… knew it was so much more than that, and I never managed to move on from it. He's the only man I've ever loved, the only one I've imagined a life with, and it's my fault that we didn't get it…”

“You were just a kid, Blaine…” Cooper muttered, trying to comfort him.

“No. If I was mature enough to fall in love, I should've been mature enough to stop myself from hurting him…” Blaine toyed with his cup of coffee, needing to do something with his hands. “And I wasn't. I should've been stronger… no, no, please, let me speak…” he rushed to say when it seemed like Cooper was about to interrupt. “I… it's not easy for me, to talk about all this.”

“I'm sorry. I won't interrupt,” Cooper promised and took a sip of coffee as he waited for Blaine to continue.

“Well, you know most of what happened afterwards. I didn't want to go to New York anymore, so I ended up here with you. Things were hard, but I pretended to be over it, because I thought it would be easier to go on with my life like that. Except it wasn't. And a couple of years later, Mike Chang called me and told me he was marrying Tina, and he invited me to the wedding and the bachelor party. The bachelor party was in Vegas, so I decided to go. A part of me was hoping Kurt would be there, but I was sure he would be with the girls,” Blaine sighed. He still remembered the shock of seeing Kurt standing in the hotel lobby with his brother and typing on his phone. He remembered how Kurt had looked up and their eyes had locked into each other. He remembered how Kurt had looked away immediately, ignoring him completely. “But he was there. I wanted to turn around and come back to Los Angeles immediately, but I stayed. Mike was a good friend, and I couldn't just walk away. Then, that night, we all got drunk, of course. I wasn't completely inebriated like most of them, though. I remember everything that happened… and… the more Kurt drank, the looser he got. He actually… he talked to me. He was angry at first, and he told me he hated me, and that I had ruined everything, and how he couldn't stop thinking about me. He kissed me, at some point. I was so happy to see him again, to touch him again… the more we kissed the happier he seemed too, and then we somehow ended at one of those stupid chapels and we… we got married.”

At this, he looked at Cooper with an embarrassed expression on his face. Cooper must have heard that from Kurt, however, because he simply nodded sadly and gestured for him to continue.

“Uhm,” Blaine hesitated. The memories from that night kept rushing back and hitting him like a freight train. He remembered Kurt's enthusiastic I do and the off-centered, sloppy kiss he gave Blaine once they were declared as husbands. That night was etched in his mind, especially how Kurt had pulled him into his hotel room and pushed him down on the bed. They had kissed and made love until they passed out. “I woke up the following day and realized what we had done. But I was really, really stupid, god, I didn't even… I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to be mad at me again, to hate me again and I… I left. I just grabbed my things and returned to Los Angeles and never told anyone that Kurt and I had gotten married.” He ran his hand through his messy hair and tugged on the curls a little, desperately. “I wanted to call him, to let him know what had happened, but I wasn't brave enough. Something finally felt right for the first time in years, and I was so stupid and I didn't want to let it go, so I just…”

“You stayed married to him,” Cooper finished for him, and Blaine looked at him with a sad smile on his face.

“Yeah,” Blaine mumbled. “I thought… a part of me thought it would make things easier. I felt a little better, knowing that we belonged to each other, even though it was so wrong…”

Cooper nodded slowly. “I can't say that what you did was right, but I guess I understand why you did it.”

Blaine looked down at his plate, at his half-eaten sandwich. “It only got worse, though. For a little while, it seemed like being Kurt's husband helped, but then… I was still going to bed alone at night, and I still didn't have him around to share things with. I couldn't even see him or talk to him… so I… I guess I let it destroy me. That's when I dropped out of school…”

“That was more stupid than marrying Kurt, if you ask me,” Cooper muttered, but when Blaine glared at him, he rolled his eyes. “Fine. No interruptions. Go on.”

Blaine swallowed. He was so ashamed of what was coming next. “Uh, I believe that's when I started drinking? I didn't realize what I was doing first, I just knew that when I got drunk I didn't think so hard and things didn't hurt the way they did when I was sober. And then, not very long after that, uhm… that incident with the girls happened…”

When Blaine paused, Cooper nodded again. His eyes were darker and severe. “I remember.”

“Cooper, I'm so… I don't think I ever apologized properly for that. I never meant to cause any harm. I just… I couldn't control myself… I…” Blaine felt the tears running down his cheeks and he wiped them quickly, even more ashamed. “I had put them to bed and I was changing the channels on the television, and Moulin Rouge was on. It's one of Kurt's favorite movies, and we used to watch it together almost every weekend when we were dating. We kept saying that Come What May was going to be our first dance in our wedding, and I…” He stopped and struggled to hold back a sob that was threatening to break through his lips. “I just couldn't take it. I'm sorry, Cooper. I'm sorry.” He covered his face with his hands and felt his shoulders shake with the force of his repressed sobs. “I love those girls. I love them. I would never hurt them. I'm so sorry…”

He heard the sound of a chair scrape against the floor, and then suddenly Cooper's arms were around him, and Blaine was letting go and burying his face in his brother's chest and crying harder than he had cried in years. It was all too much – life hurt too much.

“It's okay, Squirt,” Cooper whispered in his ear. “I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone. I know. It's okay now.”

“It's not,” Blaine protested shakily. “It's not. My whole family hates me. Something could have happened to them, because I couldn't hold my shit together for two hours…”

“Nothing happened to them. Ava and Olivia are okay. Yes, you made a mistake and Madison and I were mad at you, but it's in the past now, Blaine. I promise. It's okay,” Cooper dropped on the chair next to his and pulled him closer, hugging him tightly.

He allowed his brother to hold him for a few minutes, taking comfort in knowing Cooper was right there. God, he had missed him. Even though he had pretended he didn't need anybody, Blaine had missed his family.

Cooper pulled away then and squeezed his shoulder gently. “Are you ready to continue? Or do you want some time?”

“No, I… I should probably get this over with,” Blaine sniffed and wiped the tears off his face before taking a deep breath. “Well… after that, things just got worse somehow. Everything seemed harder, and Kurt's absence was like a physical pain, like something I couldn't get rid of, something that was weighing down on me. I felt like I was completely alone, and I knew it was all my fault, and I just… I wanted that pain to stop. So I…” God, he felt so pathetic. “I started taking pills. Painkillers, mostly. There were lots of them.”

“Blaine…” Cooper murmured sadly.

Blaine hung his head in shame. “I know. I know, Coop. I just… I didn't know what I was doing. And there were also the hook-ups. I was having one-night stands pretty much every night. I guess I just needed to feel something, anything but the pain, you know? So I let go. I stopped caring about what I did and who I was with, and I just did a lot of stupid things. It was easier than feeling sorry for myself all the time, and it was definitely easier than crying about everything I had lost nonstop.” He paused. There was no point in getting into any more details about that. Cooper didn't need to know about the time he had mixed so many different pills he almost overdosed, or the time he had dragged a stranger into his apartment and the guy ended being too rough and hitting him, and how Blaine had been too drunk to even try to stop him. “And then Kurt showed up.”

Cooper knew a bit about what had happened since Kurt had arrived, but Blaine filled in the blanks. He told him how hard it had been to see him again, and how he had known exactly why Kurt was there before Kurt brought up the divorce. He told Cooper how he avoided him at first because he was too scared of having to learn how to live without that tiny little thread that kept them together, because despite how miserable his life was, this little secret, knowing that he was connected to Kurt, was enough to make him get up every morning.

He told Cooper how it got harder and harder to see Kurt and being around him, and how he barely could control himself with him. He told him about pushing Kurt against the wall outside the bar that night, and how terrified of him Kurt had looked. It had shattered Blaine, scaring Kurt like that. But Kurt kept pushing him, and Blaine was on the edge – he was having a hard time stopping himself from kissing Kurt.

“I would never hurt him…” Blaine sobbed. “I would never lay a hand on him… but he thought… how can I blame him?”

Cooper rubbed his back as Blaine finished telling him everything. He told him about the time they had spent together, about how Kurt had kissed him and they had slept together; about Alexandre's call the following morning and the visit they paid him together. He told him about going to Kurt's hotel earlier and handing him the papers.

He told him how terrified he was of letting go of the one true love of his life.

“It's over,” Blaine whispered brokenly. And then he added, mostly to himself, “I did the right thing…”

Cooper pulled him back into his arms and Blaine cried for a few more minutes, as he let fear wash over him. He felt just as lost as when he had walked out of Kurt's hotel. He wondered if Kurt and his fiancé were at the airport already, eager to start their life together without Blaine there to fuck everything up for them again.

“Blaine,” Cooper said softly, running his hand through his brother's curls. “Tell me what you need. Do you need to get into some kind of rehab? Do you think that would help? Or maybe therapy?”

Blaine exhaled heavily and thought about it. He knew he had gotten into alcohol and pills because he thought they would help, but they never did. They never erased his pain or kept him from his memories. He had stuck with them because he had nothing left to lose, but his body didn't crave a drink or the numbness a pill could provide. He was lucky, he guessed, at least with this. He knew he could just walk away. Those addictions had never been a problem, because the real addiction was completely different.

“No,” Blaine said, shaking his head. “No, I don't think that would be necessary. I just need… I just want to stop feeling so alone. I want to stop hurting because Kurt doesn't want me. I want to learn how to live without him, even though I should've learnt years ago. And I want…” He paused and swallowed with difficulty, knowing he was about to ask too much of his brother. “I want my family back, Coop. I want my big brother back. I want you to stop hating me and I want to see my nieces grow. I've already missed too much, I've been so stupid…”

When new tears sprung to his eyes, Cooper wrapped him again in his arms. “I don't hate you. I could never hate you, Squirt. You'll always be my kid brother.” He messed his brother's curls even more than they were by ruffling them playfully. “I'm sure the girls will be happy to have their uncle Blaine back…”

Blaine held back a sob and covered his mouth with a hand. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I'm sure.”

“What about Madison? Won't you get in trouble with her?” Blaine asked, hesitantly. Even if it hurt, he would walk away immediately if his presence meant his brother would be having trouble with his wife.

“No, I won't. She understands. I promise, it'll be alright,” Cooper smiled at him, and damn, Blaine had missed seeing his brother's smile directed at him. “I'll talk to her when she comes home. Don't worry about a thing.”

“Thank you, Coop,” Blaine sniffed and tried to calm a little. “I guess… I guess I should go now, let you go back to…”

“Oh, no,” Cooper interrupted, stopping Blaine before he could stand. “No, no, no. You're not going anywhere.”

“But…” Blaine frowned in confusion.

“Do you really think that I'm going to let my little brother go so easily? I haven't seen you in years, and you actually look like hell. You're not going anywhere, Blaine. I want you to stay here, with us.”

“What?” Blaine's eyes widened in surprise. “Are you crazy? What will Madison…?”

“I told you, don't worry. I will talk to her,” Cooper put a hand on his brother's shoulder and looked into his eyes intently. “I should have helped you years ago, Blaine. I'm sorry.”

“I understand. You didn't have to help me. You were looking after your family…” Blaine shrugged as if it didn't matter.

Cooper squeezed his shoulder and his voice cracked a little when he spoke again. “You are my family too.”

As Blaine started crying again, he realized those words were more healing than any pills he could ever take.

*

Once Blaine had calmed down a little, they had moved to the living room, where they continued talking for what felt like hours. There was so much they needed to say to each other, so many stories to catch up with. Cooper insisted until Blaine finished eating his sandwich, and Blaine had to stop him from making more. Then they simply sat together on the couch, and Cooper pulled Blaine to his side and let his baby brother cuddle him, knowing how Blaine had always found comfort in touch.

That was probably how Blaine had fallen asleep. He regained consciousness slowly, feeling quite confused as he heard voices, enveloped in warm and an unexpected sensation of safety, that reminded him he was in his brother's house. Then he recognized the voices and stayed very still, worried he would be kicked out very soon.

“… sure he's okay?”

“He will be. But he needs to be with people who love him…”

“I know. I know how worried you've been about him, and I love him, too, Cooper. I want him to be safe. I'm just a little concerned…”

“This will be good for him. He broke down completely, Madison, and I just don't want him to do anything stupid…”

“What makes you think he won't do anything stupid while he's here? We have to think of Ava and Olivia…”

“Trust me, I'm thinking of them. I'm thinking of how I want them to actually get to know their uncle. And I want him to get better, too. I believe he finally has the chance to, Maddy. You should've heard him… he's ready. He's ready to take the next step and move on.”

There was a long sigh and Blaine closed his eyes more tightly. He couldn't blame Madison for not wanting him there. If the roles had been reversed, he would have done the same. Blaine didn't want to cause his brother any trouble. Maybe he could slip out of the house unnoticed…

The voices continued talking, this time in merely whispers, so Blaine couldn't make out the words. He took a deep breath and braced himself for what he was about to do. Cooper accepting him back into his family had been the one good thing happening to him in years, and he was sad to have to let it go.

But when he opened his eyes, he found himself faced with two pairs of bright blue eyes peeking from the edge of the couch and staring at him in wonder.

“Hello,” a high-pitched voice said, before giggling.

Blaine blinked and sat up a little. “Uhm. Hi.”

“Who are you?” The girl asked.

“I'm… I'm Blaine,” Blaine replied, not sure if his nieces knew of his existence.

“Uncle Blaine?” The girl asked once more, as her sister tried to hide behind her.

Blaine felt a rush of gratitude all over him. Cooper had talked to his daughters about him. “Yes, I'm your uncle Blaine.”

Both girls squealed happily, and the one who had spoken grabbed her sister's hand and tugged until she followed her. They both climbed onto the couch and sat next to Blaine's feet, smiling at him.

“Hi. I'm Ava,” the less shy one said, and then pointed at the other girl. “This is Olivia.”

“It's really nice to see you again, girls,” Blaine said, as the first genuine smile came onto his lips. He was dying to pull them into his arms and hug them, but he wasn't sure if he was allowed to. “You are so big… last time I saw you, you were tiny little babies.”

“Mommy says we are ladies now,” Olivia murmured softly.

“But Daddy says we are still babies,” Ava added. “Did you bring presents, uncle Blaine?”

Ava really was a force to be reckoned with. Blaine imagined his brother would have his hands full with her in just a few more years. “No, I'm sorry, girls. I wasn't exactly planning to, uhm, to visit.”

“Oh,” Ava pouted. Then she shrugged. “It's okay. Will you play with us? We have lots of dolls. You can pick the prettiest one.”

Blaine's heart clenched in his chest. God, he didn't want to say goodbye to them so soon. “I would love to play with you, but I… I should probably get going.”

Olivia frowned sadly. “Why?”

“Well, sometimes adults… sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. I don't want to go, but I have to,” Blaine explained, doing his best not to cry.

“But when are you coming back? After dinner? Can we play then? Or tomorrow?” Ava insisted, crawling closer to him.

Blaine sniffed and stubbornly refused to let the tears fall. “I…”

“What would you girls say if your uncle Blaine lived with us for a while?”

Blaine startled at that, and turned to see Madison leaning against the wall, watching them. Cooper was standing behind her with his arms around her waist and a radiant smile.

“What?” Blaine asked in confusion, as the twins dissolved in cheers.

“Yes! Yes! Stay with us, Uncle Blaine! Stay!” They pleaded, as they climbed onto his lap and threw their little arms around his neck.

Blaine hugged them back eagerly, taking in the sweet floral scent of their shampoo. His brother and sister-in-law were watching them fondly, but Blaine wasn't sure he understood what was going on. Why would Madison want him there?

His eyes found hers across the room and she must have seen how insecure he felt, because her smile turned warmer.

“Blaine, stay with us,” she said gently.

“A-are you sure?” Blaine muttered. He didn't want to leave. He was scared of leaving.

“I trust you,” she answered, and those words flooded Blaine with such emotion he almost started sobbing into the twins' hair. “We would love to have you here for as long as you need to stay.”

Blaine wanted to thank her, wanted to apologize over and over for the things he couldn't change and the mistakes he had made. He wanted to promise he wouldn't screw up again. But he wasn't capable of doing any of those things, through the lump of gratitude in his throat. So, he simply nodded, with his eyes full of tears, and Madison understood.

Blaine hugged his nieces tightly, letting their squeals of delight wash over him, and promised himself he wouldn't screw up this opportunity.

I did the right thing.

*