Kurt was floating in that hazy place between waking and sleeping, clinging to his wonderful dream, but something softly tickling him was pulling him toward consciousness. He scrunched his face and groaned, but when he realized he wouldn't be able to fall back into that wonderful deep sleep he had been enjoying, he blinked his eyes open lazily.

Blaine was hovering over him, placing tiny little kisses on the curve of his naked shoulder, his jaw, his collarbone, and every inch of skin he could reach. When Kurt looked at him, he looked back, and Kurt's breath caught in his throat – it had been so long since he had woken to those caramel eyes staring at him with such reverence and sweetness.

“Hey you,” Blaine whispered, voice still sleep-rough, so he probably hadn't been awake for long.

“Hi,” Kurt mumbled with a yawn. He unconsciously put his hand on Blaine's head, immediately intertwining his fingers with his dark curls, stroking them slowly.

“I can make you some coffee if you want,” Blaine said as his lips caressed his chest right where his heart was beating. “I know you can't function properly in the mornings without your caffeine fix first…”

“Mm, you know me so well…” Kurt murmured, as he arched his back to make his muscles pop. Then he paused, because Blaine did know him well. Once upon a time, Blaine had been the one to know him better than anyone else, even more than his own father sometimes. But those times were supposed to be over, because Kurt had built a life completely separate from Blaine. And now he was in his ex-boyfriend's bed. He swallowed and tried very hard not to panic. “Blaine, I…”

He was interrupted by the melody of a song filling the otherwise silent apartment. It was a song he recognized instantly…

“Oh crap,” he exclaimed, as he pushed Blaine out of the way as gently as he could to scramble out of bed. He looked around searching for his pants until he found them halfway under the bed, and he grabbed them to fish his cell phone out of one of the pockets.

Alexandre was calling him.

“Hi honey!” He said in a breathless high-pitched voice that didn't sound suspicious at all. Fuck.

“Good morning, mon ange,” Alex said softly. “Did I wake you?”

“Uhm, yes, yes, I was sleeping,” Kurt mumbled, as he paced the room nervously. Oh my god, what have I done? “What about you? Are you at that Vanity Fair shoot? Or was that tomorrow?”

“It was today, but I cancelled it,” Alex answered, and before Kurt could express his confusion, he added: “I'm in Los Angeles.”

It was as if the whole building suddenly collapsed on Kurt, crushing him beneath tons and tons of debris. He couldn't breathe or think. “W-what? What are you doing here?”

“I felt so bad after our argument yesterday, I just had to come and see you,” Alex explained and Kurt wished he truly was buried under a pile of debris. This couldn't be happening. “You know how much I hate arguing with you.”

“Alex, it's… that's great, but you didn't have to…”

“I know I didn't have to come, but I needed to, mon ange,” Alex interrupted, and Kurt could hear the smile in his voice, and that proud tone that meant he had done something to make his fiancé happy and Kurt just wanted to die. “Thing is, I can't remember which hotel you're staying at. Could you give me the address? I'm getting my suitcase and I'll get a taxi and meet you there…”

Oh god, oh god, oh god, this was happening. “Yeah, sure. Uhm, do you want to write the address down?”

Kurt gathered his clothes as he recited the address to Alex. Shit, this really was too much to deal with before the first cup of coffee…

“I'll see you soon, then,” Alex said happily. “I love you!”

“Love you too,” Kurt said mechanically, as he rubbed his eyes with his hands. God, it was too early for a headache.

He hung up and began quickly dressing when he caught sight of Blaine, who was sitting against the pillows and very intently not looking at Kurt. The expression on his face was carefully controlled, but Kurt knew him well, too, and he could see the sadness beneath the surface.

How had he gotten into this mess? He had screwed everything up so badly…

“Blaine…” He whispered, unsure of what he was going to say, pausing in the middle of the room with his shirt in one hand and his shoes in the other.

The smile Blaine gave him was so fake it looked like a cringe. “It seems like you'll have to get a rain check for that coffee.”

“I'm sorry. I am. I don't… I don't know what to say.” Kurt wanted to sit right there on the floor and cry. This was all his fault, but he still didn't want to deal with it.

“It's fine, Kurt. Really. Just go,” Blaine murmured, and the smile disappeared, as if keeping it up was too much of an effort.

Kurt wanted to protest. He wanted to walk back towards the bed and plant a kiss on his lips. He wanted to hide under the blankets with Blaine and never face his fiancé. He wanted to erase the previous night from his memory. He wanted to treasure it and replay it in his mind over and over again…

He was so fucked up.

Instead, since he didn't have the time for any of it, he finished getting dressed and, with one last glance in Blaine's direction, who had his eyes fixed on his own hands, left.

Kurt didn't realize he walked all over the divorce papers on his way out, still scattered on the floor.

*

It was a miracle that Kurt managed to get to his hotel before Alexandre. He guessed he had the morning traffic to thank for that.

He immediately locked himself in the bathroom to shower, paranoid that his fiancé would be able to tell he had been with another man if he didn't wash the previous night off. His body seemed to scream in protest as he stepped into the shower, as if it didn't want to let go of the scent and the touch of Blaine's skin. Kurt stayed under the shower spray and allowed himself two minutes to cry bitterly as he leaned his forehead against the cold tile wall.

He knew what he had done had been wrong and he hated himself for it. He had done to Alexandre the same thing that Blaine had done to him – the one thing that had broken them apart. He had no idea how he was going to face his fiancé after this. Should he tell Alex the truth? Should he confess and risk losing him? Should he stay quiet and live with the guilt? Alexandre deserved better, but Kurt was afraid of the consequences. He had been absolutely ruthless when Blaine had cheated on him – maybe now it was Alexandre's turn to give him the same treatment.

There was a part of him that had always known this was going to happen. He had found out that Blaine was his husband and decided to look for him to put an end to their surprise marriage, and a part of him knew he would be too weak not to give in to the passion they had once shared. Blaine had been his first lover, and no one, no matter how skilled the man he had been with was, had known how to touch him quite like him. They had learnt together – it was only right that their bodies missed each other…

But there was so much more than lust behind Blaine's intentions. Kurt knew it – he had looked at him in his eyes and had seen the same emotion Blaine had carried in them all those years ago. And Blaine had known all along that they were married, god, what kind of twisted soap opera was this? Kurt supposed he ought to be mad at Blaine for keeping that secret from him, but he couldn't find the strength within himself to do so. Not after listening to Blaine's confession the previous day.

Kurt had no time to dwell on these thoughts. Everything was too confusing, and too much to handle in such little time, but he would have to push it out of his mind for now. His fiancé was on the way, and until he decided if he was going to tell him or not about what had happened, Kurt needed to act as normally as possible.

He was such a hypocrite.

*

Alexandre arrived with a huge bouquet of flowers and guilt churned in Kurt's stomach.

“Oh, Alex, you didn't have to…” He murmured, biting his lip.

“I was an ass to you yesterday, so yeah, I had to,” Alexandre smiled radiantly before moving in for a kiss. Kurt tried to respond normally to the touch of his lips when all he wanted to do was cry again. “I missed you, mon ange.”

“I missed you too,” Kurt replied dutifully as he stepped away from Alexandre's arms to find a vase for his flowers. “How was your flight?”

“It was okay. No crying children, no turbulence…” Alex sat on the small armchair by the window and, once Kurt had put the flowers down, tugged on his hand to make him sit on his lap. He wrapped his arms around him lovingly. “I'm sorry for yelling yesterday. And for implying I would cancel the wedding. I would never do that.”

Kurt nodded, not sure what to say.

“I know I've been putting a lot of pressure on you with this divorce business,” Alex continued, kissing the clothed curve of his shoulder, where Blaine had placed a good morning kiss earlier that morning. “But you won't have to deal alone with it anymore. And I don't want you to worry about a thing today, okay? Today, we just enjoy ourselves. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. We'll worry about Blaine signing the papers tomorrow.”

That name on Alexandre's lips felt wrong and foreign, but Kurt began to feel sick with guilt and remorse, so he just nodded again and let his fiancé pull him into a kiss that felt just as wrong.

*

Walking around Los Angeles with Alexandre would've been wonderful if the circumstances had been different – they loved to travel, and though they hadn't had the chance to make a big trip yet, they loved going away for a weekend to relax and see new places. This time, however, Kurt was on edge and utterly uncomfortable around his fiancé. He was scared Alex would notice something had happened, and he still didn't know if he would rather Alex heard it from him, than just finding out about it on his own. But how do you tell the man you are going to marry in a month that you cheated on him with your ex-boyfriend, who also happens to be your husband, even if you had no idea?

Yes, this definitely was soap opera material. Kurt should probably look into it while he was still in Hollywood.

That night, Alexandre took him out for dinner. They went to a gorgeous restaurant on Melrose Avenue called Providence. As Kurt sat at the fancy table, eating his wild coho salmon with red kuri squash and smoked chanterelles, he thought of the simple lunch he had had at the beach a few days later, with fruits in plastic containers and cheese and spinach sandwiches, without even a tablecloth or napkins, and drinking water straight from the bottle.

He thought of the setting sun reflected in Blaine's hazel eyes; of the calming sound of the waves lapping the shore and Blaine's soft voice. He thought of sitting on the sand in his designer jeans without giving it a second thought just because the man he was sitting with had blushed and apologized profusely thinking Kurt wouldn't be pleased with his idea.

Kurt looked at the man across the table from him and, god, he loved him. He did. Alex was a gentleman and continuously showered him with his affection, taking him to beautiful places and sending flowers to his office just because it was Wednesday and it would brighten Kurt's week. But Alexandre had never made him feel excited about the little things like Blaine had. It was all about the grand gestures with Alex, and life couldn't just be about the grand gestures, could it? Because three dozen roses on his desk were nice, but what about cutting a daisy from Carole's garden and placing it behind Kurt's ear, staring into his eyes with that awed happiness that meant there couldn't be a better moment or a better place to be than this? Maybe elegant dinner dates were wonderful for special occasions, but why dress up three nights a week after a long day, when they could just stay in in their pajamas, order Chinese take-out and cuddle on the couch until they couldn't stop their hands from being all over each other?

Alex touched the back of his hand and shocked him back to reality. “Are you okay, mon ange? It looks like you're a million miles away…”

Why was he being so silly? There was no point in comparing Alex and Blaine. They were two different people. Kurt had been perfectly happy just a few weeks ago, why was he questioning everything now? He was being absurd. All he needed was in front of him. “Yes. Sorry, I was just distracted.”

“I know these past few days have been very hard on you, and I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner to help you through it,” Alex said gently. “But everything will be alright, you'll see. In just a few more weeks, we'll be married, and all of this will be a funny anecdote to tell at parties.”

Kurt forced a smile on his face. He couldn't see how any of this could be seen as funny, especially Blaine's current situation, but he decided not to argue. He was too tired and too troubled to get into it. Instead, he looked down at his practically untouched food and said, “This is delicious. You should try it.”

He tried talking about the wedding for the rest of the meal, but for some reason, he couldn't remember the color of the flowers, the song for their first dance, or the pattern in the china he had chosen online.

He tried not to let it show that he was having a complete meltdown. He continued talking and laughing with his fiancé, while he felt like he was falling to pieces on the inside.

*

Kurt was sitting against the pillows, scrolling through wedding blogs, when Alexandre came out of the bathroom, with his hair still damp from the shower and only wearing a pair of dark green boxers. He crawled onto the bed towards Kurt and kissed his shoulder. Kurt could immediately see where this was going.

He felt sick just thinking about it.

Blaine's touch was still fresh in his skin. If he closed his eyes, he could still see Blaine spread under him, or going down on him, or smiling down at him this same morning. He could almost feel his delicious body throbbing against his with desire, and the vibrations in his chest as he moaned out of control…

He pushed Alexandre's hand away when he put it on his thigh.

“I'm sorry, honey, I'm just so tired…” Kurt muttered apologetically. Alex frowned at him for a moment, but then painted a smile on his face.

“It's fine. I'm pretty tired, too,” he leaned and gave Kurt's cheek a soft kiss. “Goodnight, mon ange.”

Kurt put his computer down on the bedside table. “Goodnight.”

They turned the lights off and pretended to sleep, but Kurt was pretty sure they both stared up at the ceiling in the dark for a very long time.

*

It was as if Kurt's worst nightmares came true when, while having breakfast at the hotel restaurant the next morning, Alexandre announced: “I'm coming with you to see Blaine today.”

Kurt was taking a sip of coffee. At Alex's words, he choked, and there was suddenly coffee dribbling out of his nose. He grabbed a napkin and tried to fix the mess he had made as gracefully as possible. “I… why?”

Alexandre shrugged nonchalantly. “Maybe seeing us together will be the last push and he'll finally sign those damn papers.”

Kurt didn't even want to imagine what would happen when Blaine found Alexandre at his doorstep. “I… don't think that's a good idea. He may not react well…”

Alex frowned and leaned over the table to look at him. “What is that supposed to mean? Is he a violent man?”

Kurt hesitated for just a second. No, Blaine was the sweetest, kindest person he had ever met, but he was in a lot of pain, and under a lot of pressure. The way he had pushed him against the wall outside of the bar was enough proof of that. He knew Blaine would never hurt him, but he also knew it was hard for him to control himself lately.

However, his instant of hesitation was enough for his fiancé to blow things out of proportion. “Has he done anything to you? Is that what you meant when you said you were having trouble with him?”

“No! No, Alex, he's…” Kurt tried to explain.

“I'm coming with you. I can't trust an unstable man around my fiancé. I don't want anything to happen to you, Kurt,” Alexandre said determinedly.

“I can take care of myself, Alex,” Kurt said through clenched teeth.

Alexandre squeezed his hand. “I know. But I still want to go with you. It'll make me feel a million times better if I can be with you for this.”

There had to be a good excuse. Kurt needed to come up with the perfect excuse why Alex couldn't go with him – he thought as hard as he could, but nothing came to mind. When he was silent for a second too long, Alexandre took it as agreement and smiled at him brightly.

He could almost see total disaster looming around them.

*

They went to Blaine's apartment in the afternoon. Kurt wrung his hands anxiously during the entire cab ride, while Alex looked out the window at the city passing by, unknowing that Kurt was having a nervous breakdown right beside him.

Kurt closed his eyes, tightened his hands on his lap and hoped with all his strength that Blaine wasn't home. Maybe this would be the glorious day in which Blaine finally decided to go do his laundry. Or maybe he was at the supermarket. Kurt prayed to a god he didn't believe in that Blaine's apartment would be empty, and that he would be able to convince Alex to not join him next time.

He felt like an encounter between Blaine and Alexandre could be almost apocalyptic.

The cab stopped in front of Blaine's already familiar building, and Alex paid before Kurt could even react to get his own wallet. He was too worried about what was about to happen to care about his surroundings, and he exited the car in a daze, looking up at the apartments' windows.

The last time he had been here, he had slept with Blaine.

His body still shuddered with the memories, trembled with the need to feel Blaine's skin again. How could he be in the same room with Blaine and his fiancé without Alex noticing how he was automatically attracted to his ex-boyfriend? His body reacted to him, and just the thought of seeing him again made his heart beat faster…

“Kurt? Are you coming?” Alex said, breaking him from his trance, standing by the doorway.

“Yes, yes, sorry…” Kurt mumbled, as he followed him inside.

His feet felt like lead as they walked up the stairs. Kurt exhaled very slowly and tried to be positive. Blaine wouldn't be home, but if was, he would act very decently in front of Alexandre, because he cared about Kurt, and he wouldn't ruin this for him. He wouldn't put Kurt's imminent marriage at risk.

Yes, everything was going to be okay. And then Kurt would be able to deal with telling Alex the truth.

Or not.

That was yet to be determined.

Kurt was the one who knocked on Blaine's door, while Alex stood next to him waiting patiently. No sounds came from inside the apartment. Yes. Yes, Blaine wasn't home! This was perfect. Kurt knocked once again, just to pretend he wasn't giving up so easily.

“I guess he isn't here,” Kurt said, keeping his tone carefully disappointed.

“Maybe we can go take a walk around the neighborhood and try again in a little while,” Alex murmured back thoughtfully. “I would like to get this over with today.”

“Yes, or we could…” Kurt started saying, already coming up with a million reasons why Alex shouldn't accompany him for a second visit. However, all of them became completely irrelevant when the door opened.

Blaine was home, after all. His eyes were red-rimmed, and he looked terrible, exhausted and unkempt. His stubble was growing into a scruffy beard, and his hair was a messy mop on top of his head. His clothes were wrinkled, and Kurt could see that his apartment was just as bad as his appearance. Blaine's eyes lit up when he saw Kurt, but every little vestige of hope that had surged on them vanished instantly when he noticed the man standing next to him. His gaze turned dull and empty, just as it was when Kurt had found him for the first time after asking Cooper for his brother's address.

“Blaine…” Kurt whispered softly, as if trying to calm a wild beast.

“What are you doing here, Hummel?” Blaine asked sharply, glancing back at him as if he couldn't stand the sight of Alexandre.

There was something wrong with Blaine's voice. It was… slurring a little. “Blaine. Are you drunk?” Kurt exclaimed, forgetting about being cautious.

“That's none of your damn business, is it?” Blaine replied. “Now go away. I'm busy.”

“We are not going anywhere until you sing the divorce papers. We're done playing games,” Alexandre interrupted, and Blaine turned to him so violently that Kurt was surprised that Alex didn't take a step back. “We'll be off your case as soon as you sign them.”

“And who the fuck do you think you are to come to my house and order me around?” Blaine retorted in a loud, angry voice.

“I'm Alexandre, Kurt's fiancé,” Alex said simply.

Those words seemed to unleash a whole storm in Blaine's eyes. He clenched his teeth, tensing his jaw, and his knuckles were almost white where he was holding the door. The disaster Kurt had anticipated was close, but he didn't know how to stop this, not without hurting one of the other two men…

“Get the fuck out of here,” Blaine said menacingly. “I'll sign those fucking papers whenever I fucking want to.”

He started closing the door on their faces, but Alex's hand pressed against it, stopping him. “I don't think you understand. You don't have a choice. Sign those papers now, Blaine.”

Blaine threw the door open furiously and stepped into the hall to get right into Alexandre's face. He was quite shorter than him, but it didn't matter, because he looked utterly dangerous even with the height difference. “You son of a bitch, you think you can…”

Blaine's next words didn't reach Kurt's ears, because all he could focus on now that he could see more into Blaine's apartment were the pill bottles scattered on the floor and the bedside table, and the half empty bottle of whiskey mixed with several cans of beer.

Kurt pushed past them into the apartment, and began to collect the mess, causing the other two to go silent, staring at him. He scooped the pills back into the bottles, and peered under the bed, to ensure he got them all.

“What the hell do you think you're doing?” Blaine yelled at him.

“I know you think you need these, but you don't,” Kurt said determinedly, holding the pills against his chest in case Blaine tried to take them back. “You can't keep doing this, Blaine.”

“What I do with my life is none of your goddamn business,” Blaine replied angrily.

Kurt ignored him, and marched toward the bathroom with the bottle of whiskey. Blaine followed, stumbling in his haste to see what he would do. He watched aghast as Kurt threw the pills into the water, and then poured out the whiskey, pressing the flush lever to watch it disappear.

“Fuck you, Hummel! Who the fuck gives you the right…?” Blaine shouted, and a few days ago, Kurt would've been scared of him, but now, he stood before him calmly, because even if he pissed him off, Blaine would never hurt him. Blaine would never lay a hand on him – he had tortured himself over a teenage mistake for a decade. If he hurt Kurt again in an even more meaningful way, Kurt didn't want to think of the drastic measures he would take.

“I give myself the right,” Kurt said softly, looking him in the eyes and begging him to understand. “You need to stop hurting yourself, Blaine. It's not worth it.”

“You don't get to tell me what to do,” Blaine said, breathing heavily. “I'll fucking drink myself to death, if that's what I want to do.”

Neither of them had noticed Alex standing by the door, watching them with his arms crossed over his chest until he spoke. “You have to be kidding me, Kurt. You dated him?”

Blaine turned to him so suddenly that he almost lost balance, and had to hold himself up against the sink. He looked pathetic, and like he couldn't hate himself anymore that he did. Kurt felt like crying just looking at him, especially because he knew those words hurt him deeper than any other. With them, Alexandre was telling him something that had been torturing him for years: you were never good enough to be with Kurt.

“Alex, please, stay out of this,” Kurt begged, feeling completely torn. He couldn't deal with both of them at the same time. It was too much. His whole life had been designed around the idea that Alex and Blaine couldn't exist at the same time, as if they were from different universes.

“I'm just asking a question, mon ange. I really can't understand what you saw in him…” Alex continued, and this time it was blatantly obvious that he was provoking Blaine.

Blaine was fuming, but he had obviously had too much to drink, because when he tried to swing a punch at Alexandre, his fiancé avoided it easily, but the force of it sent Blaine down to the floor, landing on his butt, and looking even more pitiful. Kurt gasped when he barely missed hitting his head against the sink, and almost punched Alexandre himself when he saw the smirk on his face, evidently satisfied with how weak Blaine looked.

“Blaine, are you okay?” Kurt said, immediately crouching next to him, concerned.

“Leave me alone,” Blaine muttered, and this time he sounded so hurt that Kurt had to bite his lip to hold back the tears. “Just get the fuck out of my apartment and leave me alone.”

Kurt didn't want to leave him. He wanted to stay with him and hold him until he felt better. But Alexandre wouldn't leave without him, and he knew it. He tried placing his hand comfortingly on Blaine's arm, but he flinched away from his touch. “Are there any more pills hidden in the apartment, Blaine?” Blaine didn't answer, and Kurt was dying to smooth the curls out of his forehead and kissing him there, like a small child who needed love after a bad day at school. “If you don't tell me, I'll search the entire place. It's easier if you tell me.”

Blaine was exhausted. He could see it in his eyes, the dark marks under them. Kurt wouldn't have been surprised if he hadn't slept since waking up that morning in Kurt's arms. “No,” he said in the lowest of voices.

Kurt smiled at him encouragingly. “Okay…”

“Kurt, let's get out of here. He won't sign the papers, drunk as he is now,” Alexandre said from his spot on the doorway. “We'll call our lawyer, so we don't have to deal with him anymore…”

Blaine was shaking, and Kurt didn't know if it was because of the rage taking over him or the pain. Either way, he looked at his fiancé over his shoulder with a murderous look and exclaimed sharply: “Shut up, Alex.”

“Get the fuck out of my apartment,” Blaine murmured, and he was once again breathing heavily. He even looked feverish. “Now. Get the fuck out of here now.”

Kurt was reluctant to leave him on his own like this. He hesitated. “I… I could call Cooper, if you want. Let me call him, at least, so he can…”

“Don't you fucking dare,” Blaine spat at him furiously. “Stay out of my damn business, Hummel! Leave me alone! Like you even care! Stop fucking pretending you care about me!”

It felt as if someone had shot a dart straight though his chest and hit his heart. Kurt watched him, hurt. He knew why Blaine was saying this, but he had never, ever stopped caring about him, even when he was furious and heartbroken, and still too young to understand how complicated love and relationships could be.

“Get out!” Blaine started screaming, and he didn't stop. “Get out, get out, get out!”

The words echoed around the apartment, even as Blaine covered his head with his arms and hid his face against his raised knees. He was like a broken record playing, screaming the same words over and over, and all Kurt could do was stay there frozen and watch him, not knowing how to reach out to him and pull him back out to the surface, anywhere where he wouldn't be drowning in his own suffering.

But Alex grabbed Kurt's elbow and pulled him to his feet. As long as Alex was there, Kurt couldn't help Blaine. He couldn't be Alexandre's Kurt and Blaine's Kurt at the same time. He didn't know how. He wasn't sure if both of them could coexist.

As Alex guided him out of the apartment and towards the stairs, Kurt could still hear Blaine screaming for them to get out, and he wasn't sure if he was yelling at him and his fiancé, or at the fears and pain that permanently lived in his head.

*