That night, Blaine tossed and turned endlessly trying to settle down enough to sleep. Even though he was worn out from barely sleeping at all the previous night, he lay awake for hours, staring up at the ceiling. His thoughts had started speaking to him in a low, annoying whisper, but they had now become howling screams that brought on a splitting headache.

What had happened over the past two days... those things didn't happen to Blaine. Sure, he had gone on dates, mostly in college. Only two had resulted in mildly serious relationships, and neither had lasted very long.

He met the first guy when he was still a freshman in college. Blaine had spent most of his teenage life fairly isolated, without friends, depending on his books for companionship, and he was a million times shyer then than he was now. Harry had been the first boy to ever seriously look at him, to tell him he was cute. The problem was, after a few dates, they realized they had absolutely nothing in common. Their conversations were stilted, but since they were both lonely, they ignored that for a while, and filled the uncomfortable silences with make-out sessions that eventually ended up in bed.

Blaine remembered the breaking point, when they had been walking out of class on their way to the cafeteria, their hands clasped between them, enjoying the first warm days of spring after all those months of snow and cold that made the walk between one building and the other so dreadful.

Harry squeezed his hand. "So, what do you want to do tonight?"

"I don't know," Blaine shrugged. "We could go out to eat? I've always wanted to try the Mediterranean restaurant in Main Street."

"Ugh," Harry made a disgusted face. "I hate Mediterranean food. Oh! The new Grand Theft Auto comes out today! We could go pick it up and then go back to my dorm and play."

Blaine scrunched his nose. "You know I don't like playing video games."

"Oh, right," Harry deflated, visibly disappointed.

"There's an independent film festival downtown," Blaine proposed, grasping at straws, desperate to find something they might both like. "We could go to a double feature..."

"I hate independent films. They never have enough explosions and they're always going on and on about theirfeelings."

Silence settled between them, more than a bit awkward. They entered the cafeteria, got their food and found a vacant table before they spoke again.

Blaine bit his lip as he pushed his mac and cheese around. "Uhm. One of my favorite authors is having a signing today and I really wanted to go..."

Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He wasn't a book person like Blaine, at all. The more distance between him and a book, the better. "Well, you should probably go to that. I have homework to do anyway."

Blaine looked at him without saying anything for a moment, and finally nodded, a little sadly. "Right."

They broke up amicably soon after that, when Blaine realized that, besides not having anything in common, he didn't really have any feelings for Harry beyond a weird camaraderie simply because of them both being gay. Their friendship didn't really last long either, once they stopped sleeping together. They barely exchanged emails twice a year, and Christmas cards when they remembered. Blaine hadn't heard from him in a while, but he didn't care enough to bother staying in touch, either. There just wasn't anything worthwhile there.

His second relationship was while he was a junior. Blaine was immediately charmed by Nicholas, who happened to be in one of his classes. He and Blaine both had the highest marks in the class, and they never seemed to run out of things to talk about. Nicholas had a wonderful vocabulary, and everytime Blaine listened to him, he felt ecstatic, moved, exhilarated. It was one of the strangest things that had ever happened to him, and it was the first time he felt this connected to another guy. Unfortunately, just when Blaine was sure he was falling in love, he discovered something that put an abrupt end to their relationship.

It was a Sunday afternoon, and he and Nicholas were hanging out in Nicholas' apartment, watching movies on his laptop while they cuddled on the bed. It was one of Blaine's absolute favorite things to do and he smiled contentedly as he nuzzled against his boyfriend's chest, which was covered in a soft, worn hoodie.

The movie had been interrupted when Nicholas' cellphone had gone off. Blaine quickly pressed pause and handed it to him, since he was closer to the bedside table where the phone was. Blaine stayed snuggled comfortably against him, as Nicholas talked to his mother. He listened to him asking about his siblings (he was the middle child, and had two brothers and two sisters) and his father.

"Oh! You're coming to visit me?" Nicholas said, surprised. His voice sounded a bit shaky, as if he was nervous. "S-sure, sure. It'll be great to see you guys."

Blaine peered quizzically at his boyfriend wondering why he would be worried about that, but Nicholas avoided meeting his eyes.

"Y-you want to meet her?" Now he sounded completely petrified and Blaine was becoming really worried. "I guess I'll have to check with her to see if she's available. She's, uhm, busy... a lot, with homework, and projects and extra-curriculars. H-her name? I thought I'd mentioned it? No?" Nicholas glanced at Blaine, anxiously, before turning his head away to face the wall, and lowering his voice. "It's... B-Brenda. Her name is Brenda."

Blaine was sure Nick had never mentioned any Brendas so now his curiosity piqued. He watched as Nicholas wound up his conversation before hanging up. As soon as he put the cellphone down, Blaine casually asked, "so, who's Brenda?"

Nicholas blushed furiously and he made a point in not looking directly at Blaine. "No one."

"She has to besomeoneif your parents want to meet her," Blaine replied reasonably, frowning. "Is everything okay?"

"I... Blaine..." Nicholas ran a hand through his hair, exasperated. "Youare Brenda."

That definitely wasn't what Blaine had been expecting. "What?"

"They don't know I'm gay," Nicholas said, embarrassed. They both sat up on the bed, the movie completely forgotten. "They asked if I was seeing someone and I couldn't tell them it was a boy..."

Blaine was having trouble breathing. "So... I'm your dirty little secret?"

Nicholas' face fell. "Blaine, don't..."

"Are you planning to come out to them any time soon?" Blaine interrupted, already feeling his heart breaking into pieces.

It took an eternity for Nicholas to sigh in defeat and finally answer him. "No, Blaine. I'mnevercoming out to my parents. I can't do it."

"What do you mean, never?" Hurt tore through his chest, and Blaine tried to not break down. Everything had been fine between them not even fifteen minutes ago, and now... and now his life seemed to be falling apart.

"They would never understand," Nicholas said hopelessly. "And this can't be my life, Blaine. I can't be gay forever. People are expecting better things from me..."

Blaine had stared at him, mouth hanging open, incredulous. "You can't begay forever? What are you going to do? Switch it off?"

"I'll do what I have to do, Blaine!" Nicholas exclaimed, exasperated. "You just don't understand!"

"I'm trying to! But you're not giving me a lot of options here!"

A long stressful afternoon of arguing followed after that. They yelled, Blaine cried and Nicholas apologized, but there was no way to resolve it now. Not when Blaine knew for sure Nicholas couldn't see that he was making a terrible mistake. He wasn't going to waste time being his guilty pleasure, someone his boyfriend was ashamed of his family finding about. He knew coming out was hard, that it took a lot of courage, that sometimes it meant people might react with bigotry ... but he was proud of who he was, and he didn't want to hide from anyone. He hadn't hidden since he was just a kid, and he wasn't going to start now. Blaine tried to be understanding, but this wasn't negotiable. And as heartbroken as he had been, Blaine had ended it.

After that, there had been a few random dates. Not countless numbers of them, but enough. To this point, Blaine hadn't managed to find that special man, someone who would truly care for him and who he could care for. Weary of seeing his hopes shot down, Blaine had pretty much given up, until they were resurrected and shot down again when he met Josh. Maybe he just wasn't the kind of guy who attracted intelligent, out and proud guys. Maybe he only attracted the dim-witted, one-night stands and closet cases.

His sex life had definitely suffered from deprivation for the last few years. It hadn't been bad at all until after Nicholas, but then everything went downhill. Blaine probably shouldn't have been shocked by having fallen right into Josh's arms. His body had needs that he was constantly stifling and ignoring. It was frustrating. It was embarrassing.

But even though he had never had a long-lasting, meaningful relationship, Blaine had never felt like he had for these past two days. He wasn't the kind of guy who got ogled. No one ever really looked past his big, nerdy glasses and his silly bowties to see the man underneath. No one had ever treated him like he was nothing but a piece of meat, like a commodity. And that was exactly how he felt after his night with Josh, and after Kurt's completely inappropriate comment.

Kurt had been such a shock, though, blindsiding him. From the moment he had stepped into Blaine's life, Blaine had assumed immediately that the man was straight. Sure, for the first few seconds, before Kurt opened his cynical mouth to disparage everything around him, Blaine had found him so gloriously attractive that it almost hurt to look at him. But perhaps it had been easier to focus on the less attractive of Kurt, because a crush on someone who was working for him was a terrible, terrible idea. So Blaine had convinced himself that the pale-skinned man with the vibrant blue eyes was straight, because it was easier to see him as straight and therefore unavailable. If Kurt was gay, it just meant that there was yet another man crossing paths with Blaine repelled by what he saw.

Everything was so complicated. Sometimes Blaine wished he could turn his brain off.

It would've certainly made everything so much easier, if he could only turn off the mocking voices in his head.

Blaine's weekend sucked.

He had talked himself into believing that there was something so completely loathsome about him, and that his unappealing, shy personality made people think it was just fine to step all over him.

He called his mother to check on her and at least she seemed to be doing better. She had called one of her old friends, who had convinced her to go with her to a spa for the weekend. Blaine knew that was going to help her a lot, relaxing and talking to someone she had been close to for almost her whole life.

He wondered if he would ever have a friend he could count on like that or if he would ever find someone to be close to in any way.

Probably not.

He opened another bottle of beer and watched a rom-com, instead.

Another reason why Blaine's weekend sucked, was that when he decided to stop whining and go out for a walk to clear his head, he just discovered that the universe was, evidently, against him.

There was a park near his apartment that Blaine really liked. He imagined that if he ever got a dog, he would really enjoy walking him when the sun was going down, between the calm at the end of the day, and the rush of people going back home after a long day at work. But Blaine didn't have a dog, he probably wouldn't get one either, since he didn't have enough time to care for it. A cat seemed to make more sense, anyway...

It had been a hot day, but now, under the trees, Blaine could barely feel the remaining sunshine on his skin. The park was glorious in the summer: the flowerbeds looked vibrant and colorful, mothers took their kids to the playground, couples walked around holding hands and talking quietly.

Life might be ugly sometimes, but in spite of all the things he wished he had, Blaine still saw a beautiful world.

He smiled a little, the first smile gracing his lips in a few days.

And then it fell when he saw him.

The park was also a great place to go for some exercise, especially a good run. And coming straight towards Blaine at a fast pace, wearing blue shorts that revealed his muscled, stupidly attractive thighs, and a wife-beater stuck to his chest with his sweat, was Josh.

Blaine glanced around quickly, breath catching in his throat, trying to find a way to avoid talking to him...

"Blaine?"

Shit.

Blaine took a deep breath before facing Josh, who had stopped and was now leaning, with his hands on his knees, panting. Blaine hated himself for still finding him attractive. How could he avoid it when the sweaty panting man in front of him revived heated memories from their passionate night together?

"Hi," he said dryly.

"Hey," Josh smiled. "What are you doing here?"

"Just taking a walk," Blaine answered lightly, gesturing around them, as if he didn't have a care in the world.

Josh straightened up and tilted his head to the side, looking slightly amused. "So, are you still pissed about the other night?"

Blaine clenched his teeth for a moment. "No."

"Yes, you are," Josh chuckled and then also had the audacity to pat Blaine's shoulder. "Come on, man. Don't be like that..."

Blaine rolled his shoulder until Josh's hand fell off it. "Don't be likethat?"

"Why can't you appreciate things for what they are? A good fuck is a good fuck, you don't have to make such a big deal out of it not being anything more," Josh shrugged and Blaine felt himself growing angrier.

"We're never going to agree about that, Josh," Blaine said in a cold voice that didn't sound like his. "You know how I feel about it."

"Yeah, I do, but I still think you're overreacting," Josh smiled in what seemed to be a sympathetic way. "Loosen up a little, man. Lose the bowties and the hairgel, stop being so uptight. Live your life, and just... enjoy, like you did the other night. You had a good time, didn't you?"

Blaine looked away and forced himself to breathe deeply to calm himself, before he punched Josh in the face.

"You're a cool guy, Blaine, and you're really hot," Josh said, once again putting his hand on his shoulder. "You'd be even sexier if you relaxed."

"I don'tneedto relax," Blaine replied, shoving Josh's hand off him a little more abruptly than he originally intended.

Josh sighed and rolled his eyes mockingly."Fine. But if you change your mind, call me. We can go out for a drink and then have a repeat of the other night." He jogged a few steps, before turning, running backwards so he could still talk to Blaine. "You live in Ohio, Blaine! You don't have a lot of options, so if you don't want to end up old and alone, you'd better change your attitude!"

Blaine watched him go, feeling as if he had just had all the air sucked out of him, before heading back home, with Josh's voice echoing his biggest fear in his head.

Monday arrived, and if not being excited about going back to the bookshop wasn't a sign of how dejected Blaine was still feeling, then he didn't know what was.

While he was driving, Blaine tried to think of what could keep him busy enough to avoid being anywhere near Kurt, as much as possible. He reminded himself to stop feeling ashamed, when Kurt was the one at fault and resolved to look more serious and intimidating. He had done nothing wrong. He also convinced himself that if Kurt made any more comments like the last one, he would fire him. He couldn't tolerate disrespect, even if he would have a hard time finding someone to replace Kurt.

There was no sign of Kurt or his truck when he arrived, and for a moment, Blaine wondered if maybe Kurt had quit. But considering what he knew about the man, Blaine suspected that Kurt wasn't embarrassed or regretted what he had said. He was simply late for work.

With a sigh, Blaine settled on the armchair and pulled his laptop out of his satchel to reply to a few emails from some publishing houses regarding books for the shop. Then maybe he could spend the rest of the day taking the stuff from the backroom that he had decided to donate to start making room for the boxes of books that he would soon start to receive.

And then he would have to find further tasks to take him out of the way for the rest of the time Kurt worked for him.

When the door opened, and he heard steps advancing into the shop, (he was twenty minutes late), Blaine didn't look up from his screen, nor did he say anything to acknowledge him. He kept his eyes glued to the email he had been reading, now without really seeing the words, and his jaw tense, reminding himself to not let Kurt be yet another guy who would walk all over him.

But when a Lima Bean cup was placed on the table next to his computer, Blaine's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. He couldn't help but glance up, perplexed. Kurt was standing in front of him sheepishly, and biting his lip.

For the first time since he had met the man, Kurt looked anxious. All trace of his arrogance was gone.

"It's a Medium Drip," Kurt said quielty, guessing what that questioning look on Blaine's face meant. "I remembered your order, because you got me one on my first day..."

Blaine still didn't say anything and didn't reach for the coffee. He just looked at Kurt. Something seemed different about him. All his confidence had vanished, and Blaine wasn't sure how to deal with this tentative new Kurt.

Kurt took a deep, steadying breath and kept his eyes on a spot on the wall behind Blaine, as if he couldn't look at him and say what he wanted at the same time. "Look, I'm really sorry. I'm terribly sorry for saying what I said the other day. It was completely out of line and it will never happen again."

It was like seeing a building fall in front of his own eyes. It was fascinating and sort of sad, at the same time. It seemed to be taking all of Kurt's strength to talk to him right now.

"I have no idea why I even said it," Kurt continued, his voice a lot softer than it normally was. "I don't usually... I just want to get my job done, without any hassles. I promise I won't make another comment like that one. I'm sorry if my sexuality makes you uncomfortable and I hope you give me another chance. I know I'm good at what I do, even if I can't seem to keep my big mouth shut half the time, but..." He stopped, swallowed. It looked like it was hard for him to keep talking. "I'll completely understand if you don't want me here anymore."

Blaine blinked in astonishment as he watched him. Kurt seemed almost... scared? Was it possible for someone as confident as Kurt to be scared? And hewasgay, after all. Blaine didn't know how to process that information.

"I appreciate your apology," Blaine muttered calmly. "And I would very much appreciate it if you kept comments like that to yourself from now on..."

"Wait," Kurt's eyes went a little wide. "So... you'renotgoing to fire me?"

Blaine shrugged. "You said it wouldn't happen again, so why would I fire you?"

Kurt seemed extremely shocked. "B-because I'm gay," he answered, as if that was an acceptable excuse.

Blaine frowned. "I can't fire you just because you're gay."

Kurt let out a dismissive snort. "Right. You'd be surprised of how often that happens..." Blaine tilted his head to the side curiously, maybe even concerned. "I mean..."

"It would be hypocritical of me to fire you for your sexuality," Blaine said. When Kurt simply stared at him in confusion, Blaine added: "I'm gay, too."

Kurt's mouth opened in a silent O, clearly not expecting that.

"Just..." Blaine leaned forward on his seat, looking right into Kurt's blue (very, oh so very blue) eyes. "Let's keep this relationship professional, okay? You can be whoever you want to be here, as long as you're respectful."

Kurt nodded slowly. "Thank you."

"It's fine." Blaine's attention went back to his computer.

Kurt pushed the coffee towards him. "Drink it before it goes cold." He cleared his throat, looking around as if he needed to remember what he was supposed to do. "I'll... get started then."

He turned around and walked out to his truck to grab his tools. Blaine reached for the coffee and took a sip.

This really wasn't the way he had expected his Monday morning to go.