Oct. 21, 2012, 7:18 a.m.
The Chances We Take: Chapter 12
E - Words: 3,035 - Last Updated: Oct 21, 2012 Story: Complete - Chapters: 37/37 - Created: Jun 02, 2012 - Updated: Oct 21, 2012 555 0 2 0 0
In exchange for Kurt getting the weekend off, he worked long hours for Sterling as promised. The orchestra and cast were beginning to rehearse in the theater and Blaine was able to have lunch with Kurt every day. Blaine liked that.
Kurt, who used to take his lunch break with the rest of his normal crew was now doing more administrative work for Sterling and was eating his lunch in the box office while Blaine joined him. Blaine was nice company, but Kurt already knew that. For one hour every day, they would chat and eat their lunch and laugh. To Kurt's happiness, Blaine never brought up the happenings of Sunday night. By Friday, Blaine and Kurt had a form of normalcy. Every afternoon Blaine would knock on the door frame of the box office and appear in the doorway with a smile and his lunch. Kurt had to remind himself not to smile too big. The last thing he needed was for Blaine to think that things between him and Kurt were weird.
"Are you working late tonight?" Blaine asked on Friday. He took a bite of his sandwich.
"No. I get to get out at five." Kurt wiped his mouth with his napkin.
"Good. You've worked late every night this week. Last week I got used to seeing you at Cabaret every night. You didn't get to go once this week."
Kurt yawned. "Yeah. I know. I really like going there. It sucks that I didn't get any free time this week, but it was worth it to have last weekend off."
"Anything fun planned for tonight? Jericho is having Suds Night. I always feel bad for the people who have to clean up the soap and bubbles afterward."
"Nah, I can't go out tonight. I have to arrange some space in my room and get some stuff done around the apartment. I didn't get much of a chance to do anything this week to make room for Vin."
"Make room?" Blaine asked.
Kurt scratched his forehead. "Yeah. Vin's moving in tomorrow."
Blaine's eyebrows lifted. "Oh?"
"Well, it's only for a month… sort of… maybe."
"What do you mean?"
"We're doing a live in trail run." Kurt took a sip of his diet coke. He spouted the information off like it was no big deal. "He'll move in for a month and if it works out then he'll move in permanently by the end of the summer."
"Wow." Blaine had a look on his face that was deep in thought.
"What?" Kurt asked, concerned about Blaine's opinion.
"Well-" he paused. "It's none of my business, so never mind."
"No. I want to know. What is it?"
Blaine put his sandwich down and placed his hands in his lap, settling himself into a supportive posture. "It just seems strange to hear that he's moving in because you barely talk about him."
Kurt shrugged. "There's nothing really to tell." He took a bigger sip of his diet coke.
"Do you love him?"
The question shocked Kurt and he quickly took the can away from his lips. "Huh?"
"Do you love him?" It was a bold question for Blaine to ask, even he had to admit it to himself.
Kurt really took Blaine's question to heart. He didn't know where Blaine's line of questioning came from, but his opinion mattered to Kurt, so he played along. He thought about how best to answer Blaine's question. He didn't really know how. Did he even have an answer? "I…"
"Kurt?"
"Sometimes I think I might."
Blaine repeated Kurt's statement back to him. "That doesn't sound like someone who's ready to move in with their significant other."
"It's complicated."
"And how complicated would it be if the month goes well, then he moved in permanently, and you find that you may not love him? He would have moved here for what?"
Kurt's face fell. "That isn't a very nice thing to say."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to sound the way it did. I'm just playing devil's advocate. I don't want you to get hurt is all."
"Can we talk about something else?"
"Sure. I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries."
"You didn't. You only said something I didn't want to hear. That's not to say that it shouldn't have been said."
"Are you nervous for him to move in?"
"Yes and no. Vin and I work well together."
"That's a strange thing to say about a romantic relationship."
"It's not though. Have you ever been in a long distance relationship?"
"No."
"Well, it's work. It's trust and communication. I trust him completely. There are no lies between us."
"That's not entirely true."
"What do you mean?" Kurt crinkled his eyebrows.
"Did you tell him you spent the night at my house on Sunday?"
"Yes."
"Did you tell him I slept on the floor next to you?"
"No."
"Would it have bothered him if you did?"
Kurt turned his eyes down. His guilt caught up with him. "Yes."
"It's not technically a lie, but it's hiding the entire truth."
Kurt pushed his food away. He suddenly lost his appetite. "Why are you doing this? You're playing devil's advocate, but really you're just making me feel more guilty than I already am."
"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to."
"But you are. You're intentions don't change what you're doing."
"I'm just trying to…"
"To what?"
"I think you're making a mistake. If you aren't sure if you love him, you shouldn't lead him on to think that your relationship with him is more than what it is."
"Speaking from experience?" Kurt shot at Blaine.
"No. I'm-" Blaine gulped. How had he gotten himself into this mess? He didn't want to be arguing with Kurt and he didn't want to be making Kurt feel the way he was. Blaine had to admit to himself that he was jealous. He hadn't brought up what happened Sunday night and Monday morning because he didn't want to make things awkward. In truth, it was so simple, Kurt's hand on his chest, but it meant so much to him. Maybe too much, too much for someone who was already attached to someone else. He hadn't slept well and every time he woke up, Kurt's hand stayed there. It didn't move once all night. It was an experience Blaine never had before. He used to give his body to anyone he wanted, but suddenly, Kurt comes into his life and a simple hand gesture means the world to him. It changed him.
Blaine had resolved a while ago that as long as Vin treated Kurt well and made Kurt happy, then Blaine could be happy for Kurt and settle for just being friends, but now… the more time he spent with Kurt, the more he could see himself with him. He knew that pointing out the negative aspects of Kurt and Vin's relationship to Kurt was making Kurt upset, but he couldn't stop himself. He wanted to stop because it wasn't his place to do so, but everything was just coming out too fast. What was it about Kurt that made Blaine ramble and talk before thinking? "I'm really sorry."
Kurt stared ahead at Blaine, he wanted to be mad at him. He should be mad at Blaine, but he couldn't. He wasn't. He was just guilty. What was he doing? Spending so much time with Blaine and putting so much into his friendship with him? He was only setting himself up for trouble. He was with Vin. Vin, who cared about Kurt and supported him and was the most patient person. Vin, who was willing to leave everything behind in Vermont to be with him in New York. Vin, who was honest and, at the moment, he was someone who Kurt felt he didn't deserve.
Kurt saw in Blaine's face how regretful he felt for saying the things he did. There was no reason to be mad at him because everything he said was true. "You're right."
"I wish I wasn't."
"Me too. But," he paused and sighed. "That doesn't change that he's still moving in tomorrow, he's still staying for a month, and when that month is up, we're still going to make a decision if he's going to move in permanently or not. I care about him and maybe we're rushing things, but this is what we want. We want to be together."
And that was the defining moment for Blaine. Kurt told him what he wanted. Kurt wanted Vin. Blaine had to be okay with that. He had to be the friend. He couldn't sleep in the same room with him or cook him special dinners. He couldn't look for Kurt wherever he went and he couldn't fantasize about a future with Kurt, when Kurt wanted someone else. "I had no right to judge your relationship."
"No. You didn't, but I'm not mad at you."
"You should be. I would've been. I had no right to say those things because it was none of my business."
"Look, maybe… I don't know."
"What is it?" Blaine asked. He saw how Kurt looked troubled.
"I don't know. Never mind. Forget I started to say anything." In truth, Kurt was thinking the same thing Blaine was, but couldn't bring himself to say it out loud. What he was going to say was that maybe there was something between them that they needed to address. Maybe there were feelings or attachments being developed between them and they needed to figure them out.
Kurt was afraid to say those things out loud because he was afraid of the consequences of admitting that he might have feelings for someone other than Vin. He didn't want to admit that to himself, never mind to Blaine, who may not have feelings for him back. And what would be the good of telling him anyway? Even if he did feel the same way, what do I do? Choose between Vin and Blaine? Break up with Vin? Stay away from Blaine? Kurt didn't want to do any of those options. So, he stayed quiet and Blaine let it go like Kurt asked.
They changed the subject and continued on in short conversation after short conversation to pass the time, in hopes that the mood would change or that, maybe, they could retrieve some semblance of previous comfortability.
"So, what are you going to do about your jobs when the show goes up?" Kurt asked.
"Well, I'll be quitting Cabaret when we get closer to opening night, which I'm okay with because there's only so many times you can hear people sing Desperado, Hello Dolly, Piano Man, and Cabaret before you want to start shouting for new material."
"Do people really sing those that often?"
"Every night I play all of those. Sometimes I play some twice or three times. I used to love Cabaret because I used to want to play the emcee one day, but now I cringe whenever I hear someone's fake German accent butchering the song."
"That bad?"
"You have no idea."
"And what about Jericho?"
"Jericho I will stay at. I make too much money there to quit. Working there two days a week pays for everything and then some. Our show would get out at nine and I could be there by nine thirty-ish. The bar doesn't really get a whole lot of people until after ten anyway. I've talked to my boss about it already and he's cool with it."
"Nice boss."
"I mean, he doesn't buy me lunch every day, but he does continuously stroke my ego on how attractive I am."
Kurt smirked. "Is that all he strokes?"
Blaine rolled his eyes. "You'd be surprised what goes on in that club, but I will admit to never hooking up with my boss or anyone else that works there, though I've had my offers."
"I'm sure you have."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just that you're an attractive guy."
"I sound like a ego boosted, slut don't I?"
Kurt snickered. "No. Not at all."
"I don't actually think I'm hot or anything."
"I call shenanigans on you! There is no way you can look at yourself in the mirror every day and not know what you look like."
"I do know what I look like and I don't think I'm hot."
"You're too critical."
"You're too nice." Blaine was thankful that their tone and conversation moved away from tense and back to their normal everyday chatter.
Rachel went over to Kurt and Puck's later that night to help Kurt out with moving things around in his room.
"You're quiet," Rachel stated.
Kurt sighed. "I'm focused. I need to figure out how to give Vin some closet space. I'm not sure what to do with my clothes to make room for him."
"You could always go through and take out the items that are out of style."
"Nothing really goes out of style, Rachel. Pair something with the right item and you've got the next big thing. I guess I could Space Bag the out of season items."
"Are you sure that's all that's bothering you? Usually you talk to yourself when you're trying to work through a problem like clothes."
Kurt sighed again. "I think I have a problem. I'm not sure I want to talk about it though. Not until I'm sure."
"Sure about what?"
"I can't say."
"Why?"
"If I say it out loud, I'm afraid it might be true."
"If it's true, there's no volume that would make it any less true. What is it? Maybe I can help."
Kurt reached out and lightly touched the cuff of one of his shirts and rubbed it between his thumb and index finger haphazardly. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Do you think that Vin and I are rushing the move in process?"
"I don't know. It's your relationship. I think it's obvious how he feels about you. Do you think you're rushing it?"
"I don't know. I didn't before."
"And now?"
"Now all I can think about… I haven't been… I think I might-"
"Kurt what is it?"
"God…" Kurt rolled his eyes and sat down on his bed. Rachel sat next to him. "Blaine-"
"Blaine? Ah, now I get it."
"Get what?"
"You have a crush on him, don't you?"
"No! Yes- I'm not sure."
"Well, which one is it?"
"I'm not sure. I mean, I don't know if I have feelings for him. I think I do. That's the problem."
"Wow. How did this happen?"
"I don't know! We've been spending so much time together and there's just something about him that was significant since the day I met him. Then we got into a small fight today about Vin moving in and he asked me if I was in love with Vin and I don't know if I am."
"How do you not know?" Rachel asked as if it were simple to know your feelings for someone. In her mind things were so black and white. They either were or the weren't. You either loved someone or you didn't.
"I care about him and I'd be jealous if some other guy were to hit on him, but when he's gone, I don't feel that aching to be near him. I don't miss him when he leaves the room. Isn't that what love is supposed to be? I'm sure it's a lyric in some song, or whatever."
"How do you feel when he's around though?"
"Happy. He's so wonderful. He's so grounded and put together. Vin knows exactly what he wants and there's no confusion. He gives me this endless amount of support and understanding."
"So what's the problem?"
"God, Rachel, I don't know. Shouldn't I know? It should be so easy to fall in love with someone like Vin, but instead I find myself smiling like an idiot and feeling like a teenager whenever I see Blaine."
"Do you think maybe you just like Blaine's attention because he's here and Vin isn't?"
"I don't know. It could be. Do you know what he did last Sunday? He made me this incredible dinner to celebrate my graduation. Then he played me a song on the guitar and we talked endlessly before I passed out on his futon."
"You slept over?"
"Yeah, I was too drunk and he tucked me in."
What?"
"It's not as bad as it sounds."
"Well, it doesn't matter how bad it is; what matters is how bad it sounds because that's what's going to stick in Vin's head when you tell him."
"I have to tell him? He knows I spent the night."
"You're screwing this up with him. Vin is sensational and he's the best thing that walked into your life. I've never seen someone look at you the way he does."
Kurt gulped. "I know. He's practically perfect."
"I just feel different when it comes to Blaine. Everything is both exciting and comfortably calm at the same time."
"Is it exciting because it's new?"
Kurt palmed his face. "What the hell am I doing?"
"How does Blaine feel about you?"
"I don't know. He compliments me all the time and sometimes I think he's flirting with me. He's never overstepped though, so either he's hiding feelings for me very well, or he only thinks of me as a friend."
"Do you want to be with Blaine?"
The question came like a frying pan to the head. This was something he never thought of before. Did he? Was there ever a moment where he saw himself with Blaine? He did. A long time ago before he met Vin. Then he chose Vin and now he was with Vin and about to take a big step in their relationship. What was it that he wanted? He swallowed hard and thought. He was with Vin for a reason. Kurt chose to stop looking for Blaine everywhere and to be with Vin. Vin was already his. He didn't have to fight for anything. Vin ached for Kurt. Isn't that the kind of person one should want? "I want Vin. We want to be together."
"Then what's the problem?"
"I'm afraid of what feelings for Blaine might lead to. Vin doesn't deserve my indecisions and he doesn't deserve someone who doesn't know how they feel about him."
"But he does deserve you. You're once in a lifetime, Kurt. Special. Vin sees that. Why don't you let him make the decision of what he deserves and wants?"
Kurt sighed. "You're right. I should just see how things go with the trial run move and go from there."
"And in the mean time, maybe not spend so much time with Blaine. If you're really giving this a shot with Vin, you don't need the distraction or temptation."
Kurt nodded his head, but his heart sunk at the thought of not allowing himself to spend time with Blaine. He knew he had to figure this out soon before things got worse and he lost them both.
Comments
NO NO NO YOU WANT BLAINE!!!!
I hadn't submited another chapter for 4 months and you are still reading this? You're amazing and I really admire your loyalty to something that only had one chapter :) THANK YOU!!xoxo Grace