As we both began to dig into our shared appetizers, our hands occasionally brushed over one another's as we fought over bites of this and that. While it was mostly accidental, I soon discovered that I wanted it to happen more often. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't find it in me to care. Right then in that moment, no one else in the world existed other than the two of us.

As he stole another bite from my plate, he picked up my left hand, running his thumb over the white gold band that surrounded it in an almost suffocating way.

“So…”

Here came the uncomfortable dinner conversation…

“What's your last name now?”

My eyes remained on his hand, still on mine.

“Hummel.”

Softly, he brushed over it again. “Not---?”

“Levin.”

I looked up, feeling his eyes on me.

“Levin?”

“Levin.”

“Did your—“ he paused, pulling his bottom lip in for a moment before speaking again. “Did your husband take your last name?”

I shook my head.

“I know it's not any of my business, but why didn't you hyphenate? I mean, we---I'm sorry--Uh—did you keep your names for professional purposes?”

I shook my head a second time, this time feeling a little more deflated than I had before.

“We had talked about it. I wanted to more than he did I think. We just—never got around to it.”

He nodded solemnly, almost as if he were disappointed for me.

“And Lila? Is she a Levin?”

“She's a Hummel, too.”

For a few moments, we sat in silence, the whole time Blaine looked like he was trying his best to work up the courage to speak again.

He opened his mouth, debating what to say, and finally spoke.

“Kurt…I have to ask. Is there a reason why you decided to name her ‘Lila'?”

As I started to speak, he continued.

“I don't know If you even remember, but Lila was my—“

“Your grandmother's name.”

He stared at me with wide eyes. Whether it was due to the fact that I remembered or that I had opted to call my darling baby Lila for that exact reason, I'll never know. If I had to guess, I'd say a bit of both.

“Is that why—“ He sighed, his voice hopeful.

“Is that why I decided to name her Lila? After your grandmother?”

He nodded, his gaze never leaving mine.

“Well, is it?”

I took a deep breath. “I'd be lying if I said it wasn't.”

He swallowed hard and closed his eyes. In an effort to offer some sort of comfort, I gently turned my hand underneath his so that we were palm to palm.

A few minutes passed and he said nothing, his countenance revealing that he was merely trying to process everything I had just said.

“Kurt.”

His voice came out in a tender whine. I had broken him, even though I had never meant to.

“Why did you name her after my---my grandmother? I don't understand?”

I feared disclosing too much too soon and desperately wanted to down what was left of the wine in the glass in front of me.

Softly, I replied. “I can't answer that right now.”

He pleaded. “Why not?”

Trying not to get emotional, I averted his gaze.

 “It would be too hard.”

“Kurt, please---“

Before I could answer, our server returned to the table with our entrees and saved me the embarrassment of sticking my foot in my mouth.

After that, we ate in silence, only stealing occasional glances at one another. The longer I chewed each bite, the more I wanted to open my mouth and my heart and let each pour open as freely as they saw fit.

I finished what little bit of food I had in my mouth, swallowed, took a gratuitous sip of wine, and dabbed at my lips with the linen napkin.

“I wanted to be close to you.”

He looked at me and stopped, his fork only having made it halfway to his mouth.

“What?”

I took a deep breath. It was now or never.

“I missed you and I wanted to feel close to you…by the time Lila was born, I knew I'd never see you again and I wanted a little something to remember you by, even if she was all mine.”

He sat his utensils down on his plate; his countenance conveyed so many emotions all at once that it was almost impossible to read.

“Calling her Lila every day from the moment was born—knowing how much your grandmother meant to you…and…” I swallowed hard. “And how much you meant to me. It was something that I needed, in my heart and in my mind.”

Blaine said nothing and let his actions speak louder than words; his hand slipping across the table to grasp mine in his own.

He tried to speak, pensively determining his next move. Once he found that no words were there and ready to roll off of his tongue, he laughed softly in disbelief.

His voice was ever so tender. “I thought you never wanted to see me again.”

My heart ached in my chest. Little had I known that all of this time, I had been hurting this man just as much as he had hurt me.

“I read every text and every email and listened to every voicemail.”

He gazed at me as if he still didn't know what to make of it.

“Why did you never call me back?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I was scared.”

“Of me?” he asked, almost seeming as if it pained him to do so.

“Of being hurt again”, I replied. “I wanted to talk to you, every day. I missed you so much that I there were times I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest, run down the sidewalk, and come find you…but I was so afraid to take the risk that I never realized what I was losing.”

He squeezed my hand, leaned slightly over the table, and brought it to his lips, placing upon it one of the sweetest kisses I've ever received. One marriage and two kids later and Blaine's lips were still just soft as I remembered.

“You were all I ever thought about…” his voice trailed off. “I desperately wanted to call you and beg for your forgiveness…”

My smile was sad at best, but there nonetheless.

“I wanted that second chance and would have done anything to have tried to convince you to give it to me.”

I was unable to help myself. I needed to know.

“How long after you stopped calling did you meet your husband?”

“My ex?”

I nodded.

“Three months.”

A twinge of pain ripped through my heart.

“It only took three months to get over me?”

He laughed humorlessly. “Hardly. Quite the opposite…”

Intrigued, I urged him on. “How so?”

His thumb began to rub over the top of my hand; his eyes following the motion.

“He looked like you.”

Had my ears deceived me? He looked like me? It didn't make sense, unless…

 “Cameron…” he continued. “I met him in a Barnes and Noble. He was looking at cookbooks and from behind, I could have sworn it was you.” He worried his lip. “To be honest, I actually had thought it was you…and hoped for it to be. When I approached him and he turned around, imagine my surprise when it wasn't who I expected.”

I tried not to seem so hurt, but it wasn't that easy. Blaine married a man who favored me and yet I still felt pangs of jealousy as he talked about him. I was exactly who Cameron wasn't and for whatever time they were together, he got to feel the warmth of Blaine's arms. It didn't seem fair, but what in life ever is?

“We hit it off, but mostly because he reminded me of someone who I just couldn't seem to get out of my head. I'd like to say that I fell in love with him, but I'm not so sure I ever did.”

Rubbing salt in the wound, I asked, “How did it happen? The marriage?”

Blaine sighed and took another deep breath. “He proposed and I said yes.”

“Did you want to marry him?”

“Kurt…”

“It's a legitimate question…”

“I wanted to be married…”

“To Cameron?”

He stared at me, stunned into utter curiosity by the audacity of my question.

“To someone who meant something to me.”

“And was he? Someone special?”

His eyes scanned over my face as if to make a memory before locking eyes with mine.

“When I closed my eyes…”

What was he trying to say? Why would he marry someone who he didn't love? The Blaine I knew wouldn't gamble his life away on the chance that he could one day learn to love someone…not the hopeless romantic I knew.

“I don't understand”, I murmured softly.

His other hand met where ours had joined before it and he nestled mine between the warmth of his two palms.

“I settled…Kurt. The whole time I was searching for someone to fill my life, I wasn't searching for someone else…I was searching for you. And…when you never came back to me, I found you in Cameron…”

“Blaine…”

“He was just a poor man's you. No one could ever be you.”

I closed my eyes and tried to hold everything in, emotions rushing from all directions trying to find to work their way outside of the hardened shell of my heart.

My voice failed me, so I tightened the grasp he had on my hand to let him know I was still with him and that I hadn't drifted away in my own thoughts.

“It's always been you, Kurt. You're it for me… and I think deep down he knew that. In the beginning, it was easy for me to pretend because I thought I wanted it to work, but my happy façade crumbled as fast as our marriage. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't stay with someone that I didn't love…”

Tears were threatening to roll down my cheeks as I felt them stinging the corners of my eyes.

“Why are you telling me this?” I implored him.

“Why did you agree to have lunch with me?” he asked softly, fondly smiling at me as he did.

“I met Andy around the same time. We met in the office, hit it off, and decided to try things out. I was happy when I was with him, he made me happy…until I thought of you.”

He listened intently, hanging onto to every single word I had to say.

“Once we decided we could stand living together, marriage seemed like the next logical step, so we did it. We had the wedding, went on with life as usual, and then had our kids.”

“Kids?”

“My son, yes. Lila and our baby boy.”

He seemed surprised. “You have a baby?”

I shook my head and laughed softly. “Hardly. While I've no doubt that he'd look adorable if I put him in onesie, he's twelve and would probably kill me if I tried.”

Blaine smiled, but he seemed guarded as if he were preparing himself for the worst.

“Are they both yours?”

“Mine or mine and Andy's?”

“Biologically…are they his?”

“Nope. Both are 100% Hummel…Well, 50% Hummel and 50% wonderful egg donor.”

He gazed affectionately, seeming somewhat pleased with my past decisions. Blaine sat with me in silence for several minutes; his eyes feeling like they were peering into my soul.

“Are you happy with him?”

Was I happy? The question seemed so trivial. I was married. Of course I was happy…wasn't I?

Deciding he wasn't ready for the answer, he removed one of his hands from mine and carefully plucked the dessert menu up from its spot on the table.

“Share something with me?”

My life? My heart? Chocolate soufflé? Whatever you want it's yours…

I smiled, trying to hide my anxious nerves.

“What did you have in mind?”

The corner of his mouth turned up into the slightest little smirk as he handed the menu to me.

“I'm sure we can think of something…”

To my surprise, the menu did offer a soufflé---for two. Taking charge, Blaine ordered one for us to share in addition to a piece of coconut layer cake; the thought of the cake alone made my mouth water. To onlookers, it might have appeared that he'd been spoiling me, but it was very much a Blaine thing to do, especially since he remembered how much I love dessert.

Once it arrived, we both wanted to dig in (me probably more than Blaine), but as I reached for my spoon, his hand softly came to rest over mine.

“Wait just a second?”

I was curious and couldn't deny him. I nodded.

His hand moved from mine to pick up his own spoon and he carefully began to scoop into the soufflé.

“Blaine Anderson. Did you just stop me from picking up my spoon so you could have the first bite all to yourself?”

I grinned.

He smiled and shook his head.

“Quite the opposite…”

He raised the spoon from the dish and began to lift it in my direction, stopping only once the utensil was in front of my mouth. He nudged it towards my lips as my eyes met his, a much more affectionate smile on his face.

I opened my mouth and he leaned forward, feeding the decadent morsel to me. I hummed with delight at the flavor…and the gesture. Looking down at the table, I picked up my own utensil and followed suit, scooping out a small dollop and holding it to his lips. He ate from my spoon and for whatever reason, we continued on with our dessert in the same manner; mostly feeding ourselves small bites here and there while occasionally offering one to the other.

When the meal finally came to a close, Blaine paid, as he said he would and we started out of the restaurant. The rain had let up for the time being, but the crashes of thunder suggested that the current weather threatened otherwise. As we stood outside in the light drizzle, he turned to me and sighed.

“I'm sorry that I didn't think to bring an umbrella. You don't have to stay and talk if you don't want to. I know how you are about rain.”

I moved closer to him, hoping to get a better look at the man before me. Although he smiled, there was a sadness in his eyes that hadn't been there minutes before.

I reached out and touched his arm.

“Hey…” I offered softly. “What's the matter?”

He swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and exhaled. “I never expected you to still be so wonderful. After all these years, you haven't changed a bit.”

I tried to speak, but before I could he cut me off.

“—It makes everything so much harder. It makes this… so much harder.”

“What?”

He closed his eyes. “Leaving you. Saying goodbye.”

I let out a shuddered breath. “It doesn't have to be.”

He shook his head. “You don't have to do this…you don't have to pretend, Kurt. It's okay. I knew this was going to come. I knew that our date…lunch…was going to come to a close and that we'd both go our separate ways, just as we had before for all this time, but…” His voice fell soft. “I just never expected it to hurt this much to finally see you go.”

The rain began to fall much more aggressively on the pavement. Tiny droplets of drizzle soon became large drops of moisture saturating the both of us as we stood helplessly on the sidewalk.

I knew it was crazy, but before I could stop myself, I moved in closer and softly whispered.

“Kiss me.”

He looked me over and laughed humorlessly in disbelief.

“What?”

I stepped closer, trying to hold his gaze.

“Kiss me….Blaine---please---just---just kiss me.”

Before I could utter another word, his surged forward and meshed his lips with mine in a languid kiss. Instantly, my arms sought purchase around his neck. His arms spared no time finding my waist, pulling me into his body as the kiss grew more searing, more passionate, more desperate. We needed to feel each other, to taste, to hold and be held, but most importantly—we needed to love.

And as rain poured down around us, we kissed until our lips ached. Pulling away with reluctance, I rested my forehead against his and held him for what felt like a lifetime.---one I had been missing until he came back into my life. In that moment, I just wanted to kiss him.

With fond eyes, he stared up at me.

“What---what does this mean?”

I searched for something to say and came up short.

“I don't know…but whatever it is, I want it with you.”

He gently cupped my face with his hand and placed a tender kiss against my lips.

“Come back to my place?”

What the hell had I gotten myself into?