Chapter Seven: Sexy

Kurt was tossing and turning in his sleep. He was running through the halls at McKinley, trying to outrun Karofsky. It was no use. The jock was always one step ahead of him, and as Kurt rounded a corner Karofsky was already there, waiting. As he ran into Karofsky’s chest, Kurt awoke with a scream. He was shaking as he raced down the hall to Blaine’s room. He didn’t knock, knowing Blaine had started leaving the door unlocked for this very reason.

He was torn between letting Blaine sleep and just slipping into bed with him so he’d feel safe, or waking him up so he could hear his voice. In the end, Kurt’s need to hear his voice won out and he gently roused Blaine from his sleep. Kurt watched as sleep left Blaine’s mind the instant he saw Kurt standing over his bed. Kurt knew their relationship had taken a turn for the unusual, but he found he didn’t care when Blaine threw the covers back and opened his arms to Kurt.

“You’re okay. You’re safe,” Blaine whispered into Kurt’s ear. “No one’s going to harm you. They can’t touch you.”

Blaine pulled Kurt closer to him. He could feel the boy’s shaky breath against his collarbone and the wetness from his tears landing on his skin. With a split second thought, Blaine stopped whispering and began to sing softly.

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance;

For a break that would make it okay.

There’s always some reason

To feel not good enough

And it’s hard at the end of the day.

Kurt’s body slowly stopped trembling as Blaine’s voice washed over him. This was what he needed, to allow himself to be weak and seek the comfort of his best friend. He felt safe, lying in Blaine’s arms with his smooth voice washing over him.

I need some distraction.

Oh, beautiful release.

Memories seep from my veins.

Let me be empty,

And weightless and maybe,

I’ll find some peace tonight.

Blaine could feel Kurt slowly relaxing against him. He wished he could take all of Kurt’s pain and memories and bear them for the boy. But he knew that wasn’t possible, so until then he would help him find a way to cope with them. And if holding Kurt while he cried made him feel better, then Blaine was going to do just that.

In the arms of the angel,

Fly away from here.

From this dark cold hotel room,

And the endlessness that you fear.

You are pulled from the wreckage,

Of your silent reverie.

You’re in the arms of the angel,

May you find some comfort here.

Before Kurt had started cutting, he had hoped some guardian angel would come rescue him. He was looking for a miracle when he found Blaine, and while he may not have found one, he came pretty damn close. Most guys couldn’t deal with tears, but here Blaine was encouraging him to let go of his feelings. Blaine hadn’t once shied away from Kurt’s emotions. Hell, he’d done quite the opposite, driving to Lima in the middle of the night to comfort the countertenor. Blaine was exactly what Kurt needed when he needed to reach out to someone the most.

So tired of the straight line.

And everywhere you turn

There’s vultures and thieves at your back.

And the storm keeps on twisting.

You keep on building the lies

That you make up for all that you lack.

It don’t make no difference,

Escaping one last time.

It’s easier to believe

In this sweet madness, oh

This glorious sadness

That brings me to my knees.

Kurt didn’t know when he had stopped crying exactly, but with Blaine’s voice soothing his anxiety, he wasn’t surprised that he had. Now he felt exhausted. He was so tired. Tired of the pain. Tired of the fighting. Tired of the trying. He just wanted to escape from everything. He could feel his eyelids drooping, but he fought it. He wanted to hear Blaine finish the song.

In the arms of the angel,

Fly away from here.

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear.

You are pulled from the wreckage,

Of your silent reverie.

You’re in the arms of the angel,

May you find some comfort here.

You’re in the arms of the angel,

May you find some comfort here.

As Blaine sounded the last note, he noticed how Kurt had relaxed against him completely. His breath was steady against Blaine’s chest, and Blaine knew he was asleep. He knew he would have to talk to Kurt in the morning, maybe bring up the idea of therapy once more. Either way, Kurt needed help to get through this pain. Blaine knew it wouldn’t be easy, having been through bullying himself. But Blaine also knew he would be with the boy every step of the way.

K/B

The first thing Kurt became aware of when he woke up was how hard and warm his pillow was. Then he realized it wasn’t a pillow at all, but Blaine’s bare chest. He didn’t panic this time though. He remembered the night before, and even if he hadn’t his pounding head would have tipped him off to the vast amount of tears he had shed.

Kurt lifted his head off of Blaine’s chest. Blaine stirred as the weight lifted off, opening his eyes slowly. Kurt looked at him uncertainly, not sure what to do or say. Blaine yawned widely before smiling.

“Good morning.” Blaine sat up, stretching his arms out above him.

“Morning,” Kurt answered.

“You didn’t wake up screaming this time.” Blaine smiled slyly.

“It appears I’m getting used to this,” Kurt replied. He shifted away from Blaine awkwardly, not as comfortable with their close proximity as Blaine appeared to be.

“Stop it,” Blaine said.

“Stop what exactly?” Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Stop overthinking things.” Blaine lay down on his side, his head propped up with one hand.

“You expect me not to? I’m lying in bed with you. You’re gay. I’m gay. We’re-”

“We’re best friends,” Blaine cut Kurt off. He didn’t know what Kurt had been about to call their relationship and he didn’t care. Kurt needed to get past this embarrassment.

“Best friends don’t cuddle in their sleep.” Kurt looked away as he said this.

“No one can control what they do in their sleep, Kurt.” Blaine shot him a look.

Kurt sighed. “I’m just not good at this.”

“What?” Blaine asked.

“This,” Kurt repeated, gesturing between the two of them.

“Friendship?” Blaine asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, not that. Just, I don’t know. Lying here, together, when I’m not crying hysterically.” Kurt looked away again.

“Friends have sleep overs all the time, Kurt. Just think of it that way if you have to. But the way I see it is that I’m helping you get through a hard time. I’m giving you a shoulder to cry on, and there is definitely nothing wrong with that.” Blaine reached out with his free hand and turned Kurt’s head to look at him. “So stop worrying.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted. Now, get out so I can shower.” Blaine sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

Kurt laughed. “You get me in bed with you and then kick me out.”

“Hey, you climbed into bed with me.” Blaine teased back. Kurt laughed again, glad things had returned to normal.

K/B

Kurt had felt ridiculous performing “Animal” next to Blaine. Blaine could look sexy without even trying, and he often did in Kurt’s opinion. Kurt, however, looked like he had walked out of the Sound of Music. He had this innocent air about him that he couldn’t seem to get rid of. His embarrassment turned to mortification when Blaine approached him after the song.

“Are you okay? You looked like you were having gas pains.”

Kurt’s face was burning as the smile that had appeared on his face at Blaine’s approach disappeared. “I don’t know how to be sexy. I have about as much sexual appeal and knowledge as a baby penguin.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Blaine assured him.

That was the opposite of what Kurt wanted to hear. He wanted Blaine to tell him that he was sexy, and to not worry if no one else saw it because he did. But of course he didn’t.

“I should go. Homework,” Kurt offered as an explanation as he fled the room. He hated being reminded of his imperfection but it seemed to happen on a daily basis, and all too often around Blaine, who he so badly wanted to be perfect for.

Kurt dumped his bag on the ground, going into his bathroom. He shrugged out of his blazer and his shirt, examining his arms and his stomach. He hadn’t been cutting as much since Blaine had accepted that he was gay, again. But the damage he had done to himself that week remained in the form of scars, mental and physical. He was afraid that if Blaine had been swayed into confusion about his sexuality once, that it would happen again. Kurt was afraid he would never be good enough for the boy.

Sighing, Kurt stripped completely. He then opened his medicine cabinet and got his razorblade from its hiding spot. He looked at his body. He wished he was more muscular, more attractive. But he wasn’t. He was too skinny, too tall. Sure he wasn’t as tall as Finn, but he was just an inch and a half shy of six foot. Yet somehow, he was still invisible.

He was too pale too. His skin couldn’t keep color if his life depended on it, especially his legs. His legs were so white they were practically translucent. It was revolting. Kurt bit his lip to keep from crying at his imperfections, in the same moment bringing the razor down to the inside of his thigh. As the skin broke under the pressure of the razorblade, he felt his strength returning. He slid the blade against his skin two more times, making sure his newfound strength wouldn’t leave him just as quickly as it came.

K/B

Kurt was trying to take this seriously, but he felt so damn ridiculous making sexy faces in the mirror with Blaine sitting next to him. He was relieved when Blaine finally told him to stop. Maybe Blaine was ready to give up and leave so Kurt could die of embarrassment in private.

“Kurt, all of your faces look exactly the same. Honestly, you look angry.” Blaine managed to hide his laughter. He knew this wasn’t easy for the other boy, and laughing at him would only make things that much worse.

“I’m sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable.” Kurt stood up, walking a ways away from Blaine before he spun back around. “I don’t know how to be sexy because I don’t know anything about sex. You know, I’ve tried watching those movies, but I just end up getting depressed thinking about what their mothers would think if they saw them. I mean, they were kids once.”

“Well, if it would help, I’d be willing to have a conversation about it. I don’t know everything, but I know enough,” Blaine offered.

Kurt blushed. “I don’t want to know anything.”

“If you don’t know anything, you leave yourself vulnerable, Kurt. What if one day you get into a situation with a guy and then you don’t know what to do?” Blaine asked.

“I don’t plan on getting myself into any situations, Blaine. I prefer romance. That’s why I love Broadway so much. The touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets for me,” Kurt said honestly.

“All right. Look, let me try to help.” Kurt opened his mouth to protest but Blaine starting speaking again before he could. “I’m not saying we’re going to talk about it, because it makes you so uncomfortable, but one day you will have to find out. And I don’t want that to be the hard way. So, maybe we can teach you through song.”

Blaine stood up, walking over to where Kurt’s iPod was currently in its dock. He switched it out for his own, scrolling through the lists of songs until he found the perfect one. Kurt couldn’t stop from laughing when “Lady Marmalade” began to play. Blaine danced his way over to Kurt, singing.

Where’s all my soul sisters?

Let me hear ya’ll flow sisters.

Kurt shook his head as Blaine pulled him away from the wall he had been leaning against, forcing him to dance. Somehow, though, he found himself joining Blaine in singing.

Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister.

Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister.

Blaine motioned for Kurt to take the first verse, so he did. He couldn’t believe he was in his bedroom, dancing with Blaine and singing "Lady Marmalade" of all songs. But then again, the two were anything but normal. He couldn’t stop himself from laughing when Blaine sang back up, managing to make it sound soulful.

He met Marmalade down in old Moulin Rouge.

Struttin’ her stuff on the street.

She said, “Hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?” (woah)

Giuchie, giuchie, ya ya da da (yeah-ey)

Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here)

Mocha Choca latta ya ya (ooh yeah)

Creole Lady Marmalade

Kurt and Blaine then switched, with Kurt singing backup to Blaine. He knew his voice wasn’t quite right for this song, but when Blaine was rolling his stomach like that he found he just didn’t care. Especially when the boy pressed their bodies together as he danced.

Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (ah, oh)

Voulez vous coucher avec moi? (yeah yeah yeah yeah)

He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up.

Boy drank all that Magnolia wine.

On her black satin sheets

Is where he started to freak, yeah.

Kurt again took over singing the chorus. Blaine seemed to enjoy singing the soulful background lyrics anyway. He was much better at it than Kurt would have been, with his deeper voice. Kurt found himself following Blaine’s lead when it came to the dance moves. He was having so much fun with the song, and dancing with Blaine, that he didn’t even feel ridiculous when he did it. And Blaine certainly didn’t think Kurt looked ridiculous. It appeared Kurt could be sexy as long as he didn’t try.

Giuchie, giuchie ya ya da da (da da da)

Giuchie, giuchie ya ya here (ooh ooh yah yah)

Mocha Choca latta ya ya (yaaaa)

Creole Lady Marmalade.

Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (ce soir)

Voulez vous coucher avec moi? (yeah yeah yeah uh)

Kurt didn’t even attempt to continue singing from the chorus into the rap part. He let Blaine handle that part while Kurt continued to dance around the boy. He wished Blaine had thought of this sooner instead of trying to get him to make faces in the mirror.

We come through with the money and the garter belts

Let ‘em know we got that cake

Straight up the gate

We independent women, some mistake us for whores

I’m sayin’, why spend mine when I can spend yours

Disagree? Well that’s you and I’m sorry

I’m a keep playing these cats out like Atari

High heeled shoes, getting love from the dudes

Four bad ass chicks from the Moulin Rouge

Kurt sang the next two lines, letting Blaine catch his breath for a second. He couldn’t help smiling at his best friend, knowing that if anyone else saw this they would never live it down. But they were having so much fun neither of them cared in the least.

Hey sisters, soul sisters

Better get that dough sisters

Blaine picked the song back up, twirling Kurt around. Kurt couldn’t believe that this was actually working. He hadn’t thought he could ever be sexy. He was too feminine.

We drink wine with diamonds in the glass

By the case the meaning of expensive taste

You wanna Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya (come on)

Mocha Choca latta what?

Creole Lady Marmalade

(One more time c’mon)

Marmalade (ooh)

Lady Marmalade (ooh yeah)

Marmalade (ooh, hey hey hey)

Again, Kurt took over from Blaine. The way they switched off was done so easily that it was almost as if they had planned it. But they were best friends; they read each other so easily. He instinctively knew when Blaine needed a second to catch his breath.

Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth, hey

Color of cafe au lait (all right)

Made the savage beast inside roar until he cried,

More (more) more (more) more (more)

Now he’s back home doin’ 9 to 5 (9 to 5)

Livin’ the grey flannel life (oh pity)

But when he turns off to sleep memories creep,

More (more) more (more) more (more)

Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya da da (Da da ahah oh)

Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (ooh oh Lord)

Mocha Choca latta ya ya (oh oh oohoh)

Creole Lady Marmalade

Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (ce soir)

Voulez vous choucher avec moi? (all my sisters yea)

Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (ce soir)

Voulez vous coucher avec moi? (ooh)

Again, the boys switched parts. They were both getting tired. The strenuous dancing was catching up to them. But the song wasn’t over yet, and they were having so much fun that neither of them wanted it to end.

Christina (oh yeah ooh)

Pink (Lady Marmalade)

Lil’ Kim (hey hey! Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh)

Mya (oh oh ooooh)

Mount Wallaby

Moulin Rouge (oh dadow dadow)

Misdemeanor here.

Creole Lady Marmalade

Ooh yes!

When the song finally came to a close, both boys collapsed on the bed. They lay opposite each other, with their heads together. They were both breathing heavily, trying to control their laughter.

“I can’t believe we just did that,” Kurt managed to say in between ragged breaths and peals of laughter.

“Well, it’s a good thing we’re gay because there’s definitely no denying it now.” This made Kurt laugh even harder than before.

When they had both finally calmed down, Kurt turned to look at Blaine. There was a look in his eyes that Blaine couldn’t quite put a name on.

“Thank you . . . for helping me.”

“Hey, what’re friends for?”

Kurt didn’t answer. He knew he should have been embarrassed with how he was dancing with Blaine, but he wasn’t. Blaine was his best friend. He didn’t judge Kurt, and Kurt didn’t judge him. They just had fun together and that was what mattered. The two boys continued to rest until it got late and Blaine had to leave.

K/B

Blaine wasn’t sure that he was doing the right thing, but he didn’t have any other options. He didn’t want Kurt to end up getting hurt because of his innocence. He wanted to protect his best friend, even though he knew that wouldn’t always be possible. That was why he was at Burt Hummel’s garage. He hoped Kurt was at home so he wouldn’t see him and figure out what he was up to.

Blaine was nervous. He didn’t know Burt well, except for what Kurt had shared with him. In fact, he hadn’t been around the man much except for the time he found him hung over in his son’s bed. Blaine was sure this didn’t constitute him as Burt’s favorite person, but he had to talk to him anyway.

“Need any help?” Blaine asked tentatively, approaching the car Burt was currently working on.

“Sure, hand me that carburetor.” Burt instructed. This was clearly a test, and Burt was surprised when Blaine handed him the right part. “How did you know which one it was?”

Blaine spewed out the story of helping his dad rebuild a car before he could stop himself. He knew why his dad had done it, and the reason behind it still hurt. His dad was never judgmental to his face, but Blaine knew that he still hoped his son would wake up and decide he wasn’t gay.

“I’m actually here to talk to you about Kurt,” Blaine changed the subject.

“What about my son?” Burt asked, clearly on edge.

“Kurt is so . . . innocent. He’s amazing and so lucky to have a dad like you. I’ve tried talking to Kurt, about sex. I don’t want him to have to find out the hard way, because he’ll end up getting hurt. But he just won’t talk to me. If something were to happen, if things were to get out of hand, Kurt wouldn’t know what to do. He needs to be able to protect himself. He needs to know how.” Blaine paused before continuing. “I know I’m overstepping my ground here. But I thought you should know, so you can talk to him. He won’t listen to me, because he doesn’t have to.”

“You’re right. You are overstepping.” Burt paused, collecting his thoughts. “What do you suggest I do? Read a book, talk to him?”

“The free clinic downtown has some pamphlets. I just don’t want to see my best friend end up hurt because of his lack of knowledge.” Blaine shrugged. “I thought this would help.”

He didn’t know what else to say, so he turned and left. He hoped Kurt wouldn’t find out he had put his father up to this. The boy would never forgive him. Blaine knew this would be humiliating for him, but it was necessary.

Blaine had just about made it out of the garage when he almost got caught. As Blaine left the garage, he caught sight of Kurt. He quickly hid out of sight around the corner. As he peaked out to see where Kurt had gone, he finally got a good look at the boy and his heart got stuck in his throat. He had never seen Kurt looking so disheveled, and honestly it was quite attractive. His hair was a mess, and he had a smudge of grease on his left cheek. He was wearing jeans and a tight long-sleeved shirt. Kurt entered the garage, allowing Blaine to make his getaway. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Kurt had looked. He knew it was wrong, Kurt was his best friend. But for a moment, he wished he had sung to Kurt on Valentine’s Day instead of Jeremiah.

K/B

Kurt was shocked when his dad shoved a couple pamphlets into his hand the next day. He looked down at them, shocked to see that they were about sex. Even more than he didn’t want to have this conversation with Blaine, he definitely didn’t want to have it with his dad.

“These are pamphlets I got from the free clinic. You told me to educate myself, so I did.” Burt pushed Kurt into a chair at the kitchen table. Kurt pushed his fingers into his ears, knowing he looked like he was five. But he didn’t care. He had thought he might get out of having this discussion with his dad due to his sexuality. Turns out he was wrong.

Burt sat down across from his son. “I don’t want you to have sex now, wait until you’re thirty and you’re ready.”

Kurt didn’t laugh. Burt sighed.

“I don’t want you to have sex just to have sex. You need to have feelings for your partner before you even consider doing it. Guys think sex is just sex, and it’ll be worse for you because it’s two guys who think sex is just sex. Sex shouldn’t be devoid of emotions. You’re never more vulnerable than when you’re exposing yourself to someone else. Sex is an act of love and it should be filled with love. It means something. It should be used to show your love for someone, to connect to another person. Do you get what I’m saying?”

“Yes.” Kurt nodded stiffly. “You don’t want me to have sex.”

“I want you to be able to experience everything, Kurt. When you’re ready and not a moment before. Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter, ‘cause you matter, Kurt.” Burt smiled at his son, and Kurt smiled back.

“Is that it?” he asked.

“For now. I want you to read these pamphlets and if you have any questions come talk to me, all right?”

“Okay. Thank you, Dad.” Kurt grabbed the pamphlets and practically sprinted from the room. He was glad that was over, but also glad that his father cared enough to do this for him. But the entire conversation just made Kurt even more hopeless that he would ever find someone who would want to be with him in that way. At least someone who would honestly care about what it meant to him.

Kurt felt alone. No one would ever want someone like him. He was too feminine, too unattractive, too imperfect. Kurt went to his bathroom, shedding his jeans on the way, and found his razor. He dug the blade into the skin of his thigh. He felt weak for allowing himself these feelings. He used the strength the blade gave him to carefully reconstruct his wall. As long as he kept his wall up, he could be perfect. He could be strong.