Chapter Six: Blame It on the Alcohol

Kurt’s phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID, sighing when Rachel’s picture appeared on the display. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to talk to her, but answered anyway.

“Hello.”

“I’m throwing a party,” Rachel offered as a greeting.

“Wait, what?” Kurt raised an eyebrow. Rachel Berry was not the party-girl type. She was the stay-at-home-and-watch-Broadway-musicals-with-her-gay-friend type.

“My dads are out of town and I’m throwing a party.” Rachel paused before she added, “With alcohol.”

“And the fact that you added that as an afterthought doesn’t tell you it’s a bad idea? A very bad idea,” Kurt said. He had never seen Rachel drunk, nor did he want to.

“I’m tired of being so boring. I need to live a little.” Rachel was clearly put out by Kurt’s response to her party.

“And drinking massive amounts of alcohol is going to help you achieve what exactly? You can live without throwing a kegger.”

Of course, Blaine chose that moment to enter Kurt’s dorm room. He perked up when he heard Kurt say ‘kegger.’

“Who’s throwing a party?” Blaine asked, clearly interested.

“Rachel,” Kurt answered.

“Yes?” Rachel asked, still on the phone.

“No, I was talking to Blaine. Listen, Rachel, this is a bad idea. Are you doing this as some pathetic excuse to win Finn back?” Kurt knew Rachel, and he knew she was getting desperate when it came to her attempts to conquer Finn’s heart once more.

“No, Kurt, I’m not. This week is alcohol awareness week, and I’ve never had a drink. What does that say about me?” Rachel asked, seriously.

“It says that you clearly don’t know what alcohol awareness week is about,” Kurt replied. Blaine leaned his head next to Kurt’s, trying to hear what Rachel was saying.

“Please, Kurt. Come to my party,” Rachel pleaded.

Blaine grabbed the phone out of Kurt’s hand before he could protest. “Hey, Rachel, it’s Blaine. We’ll be there. When is it?”

Kurt groaned loudly as Blaine wrapped up the conversation with Rachel. He held in his outburst until after Blaine had hung up.

“Why did you do that? Why?” Kurt frowned at his best friend.

“We’ve been so busy preparing for regionals. We need a break.” Blaine handed Kurt’s phone back to him.

“This is not going to end well.” Kurt pocketed the phone, shaking his head.

“You don’t know that. Come on, live a little.” Blaine patted Kurt on the back before leaving the room.

K/B

“I’m so glad you came!” Rachel squealed when she opened the door to reveal Kurt and Blaine. Kurt hugged her briefly; he still had a bad feeling about tonight. He stepped out of the way so Rachel could greet Blaine as well. “The party’s downstairs in the Oscars viewing room.”

Kurt and Blaine exchanged an amused look before they followed Rachel down to the basement.

“Are you having fun, Quinn?” Rachel asked the blonde as they stepped into the room.

“Yeah, awesome party,” she answered sarcastically. Quinn glanced back to where Santana and Sam were currently attached at the lips.

“Great.” Rachel beamed, clearly not hearing the sarcasm in Quinn’s voice. She led Kurt and Blaine over to the bar, where she handed them each two slips of paper. “These are drink tickets. You get two each, to make sure things don’t get too wild. We’re serving wine coolers tonight.”

Blaine bit his lip to keep from laughing, instead smiling and thanking the girl before he chanced a look at Kurt. This was clearly a mistake though, because the look on Kurt’s face sent the laughter bubbling out of Blaine. Rachel was too busy arguing with Puck about breaking into her fathers’ liquor cabinet to notice, thankfully. In the end, Puck won, though only after Brittany, Artie, Mike and Tina had attempted to leave the festivities.

That was when the party started heating up. Everyone was clearly intoxicated, except for Finn and Kurt. Kurt approached his step-brother, watching in amusement as Blaine’s dance moves grew more ridiculous in nature.

“Why aren’t you drinking?” Kurt asked. He had expected Finn to be up for a party as much as anyone else in New Directions.

“I’m the designated driver,” Finn answered. “Why aren’t you?”

“I’m still trying to impress Blaine, who clearly does not have the same concern.” Kurt didn’t have time to explain further as Blaine wandered over to the pair. He flung an arm around Finn’s shoulders, using the taller boy to keep himself upright.

“It’s so great, that you and Kurt are brothers. Brothers!” he babbled.

“Yeah,” Finn said, trying not to laugh. “Really great.”

Kurt led Blaine away as Rachel approached. He really didn’t want to hear whatever intoxicated confession she was sure to make to her former boyfriend. Blaine attempted to dance with Kurt, but after he almost fell over twice, Kurt forced the boy to sit down.

“Let’s play Spin the Bottle!” Rachel yelled. Everyone in the room cheered the idea, except for Finn and Kurt.

Kurt joined the circle anyway, mainly to keep an eye on Blaine. The boy’s inhibitions had clearly left the room long ago, as had most everyone else’s. He laughed when Rachel spun the bottle and it landed on Blaine. Surely Blaine would refuse, he was gay after all. Instead, he was shocked when Blaine kissed Rachel back, appearing to enjoy it. Kurt felt his heart break as Blaine’s lips moved against Rachel’s.

“Okay, I think we’ve had enough of that.” Kurt pushed the two apart, unable to watch any longer.

“Your face tastes awesome,” Rachel announced, laughing loudly. “I think I just found my new duet partner!”

Kurt forced his tears back as Rachel pulled Blaine to his feet and over to the stage. He couldn’t bear listening to them sing “Don’t You Want Me, Baby” for longer than a few seconds. He wandered over to where Finn was watching the pair.

“Can you keep an eye on Blaine for a second?” Kurt asked, not wanting to leave his best friend to his own devices, no matter who he had just kissed.

“Sure.” Finn nodded.

“Thanks. Just try to make sure he doesn’t dismember himself or anyone else.” Kurt tried to laugh at the situation, but failed miserably. He hurried away before Finn could offer any words of comfort. Even he could tell his step-brother was unhappy.

Kurt found his messenger bag before fleeing to the bathroom. He locked the door behind him, putting his bag on the counter next to the sink. He slid his razorblade out of its hiding spot. Seeing Blaine kiss Rachel had only reminded him of his imperfection. Clearly, Blaine would rather date a girl than be with Kurt. A single tear rolled down his cheek as Kurt pulled his shirt up and brought the blade down to his stomach. Again and again, he repeated the movement until he didn’t feel the emotional pain any longer, just the physical. Then he found his ace bandage, noticing the bloodstains on the fabric. He would need to bleach it in case anyone found it. But for now, he wrapped it around his waist, glad he had found an extra-long one. Kurt pulled his shirt back down and returned his razor to its hiding place.

When Kurt finally exited the bathroom he was shocked to see half an hour had passed. It seemed the party was over, as most of the glee club had passed out around the room. Kurt approached Finn nervously, not sure if the boy had noticed how long he had been gone.

“There you are. I was beginning to wonder if you had left,” Finn said with relief when he saw Kurt. He looked extremely awkward, with an arm around Blaine, who looked like he would collapse without the support.

“Are you ready to go, Blaine?” Kurt asked, maneuvering the boy so he was now supported by Kurt, letting Finn escape.

“No! This party is so great,” Blaine exclaimed drunkenly.

“Well, the party is over.” Kurt turned back to Finn. “I’m going to take him back to our house. He can’t drive like this. Since we rode together I’ll just drive his car.”

“All right. I’m going to get Puck home and probably stay there tonight to keep an eye on him,” Finn told his step-brother.

“Okay. Drive safe,” Kurt replied.

He had to manhandle Blaine to get him up the stairs and into his own car, but somehow he managed. He again got the boy up a flight of stairs once they reached Kurt’s house. He threw a pair of his own pajamas at Blaine and instructed him to change while he changed in the bathroom. He figured it was probably safe to change in front of Blaine now because he was so drunk he probably wouldn’t notice his scars and wounds, nor would he remember it the next day. But intoxicated or not, he didn’t want anyone to see what he did to himself, especially Blaine.

Kurt stripped off his clothes, tossing them into the clothes hamper. He unwrapped the ace bandage from around his waist; he was a little concerned when he saw the wounds were still bleeding. He pulled gauze and medical tape out from under his sink and wrapped his wounds tighter than before. Then he slipped into a clean pair of pajamas before going back into his bedroom.

Blaine had managed to get into the pair of pajama pants, but was having less luck with the shirt. Kurt sighed to himself before he went to him, knocking Blaine’s hands out of the way before he managed to tear off the buttons.

“Here, let me.” Kurt buttoned up the shirt, making sure he didn’t touch Blaine’s bare chest. He then helped the boy into bed. He pulled the covers up over Blaine before climbing into bed, making sure to keep a considerable amount of distance between the two of them.

This wasn’t the first time they had shared a bed. The first two times they were both sober, and Kurt had had emotional breakdowns following particularly nasty nightmares. Of course, last time Kurt woke up to Blaine spooning him and screamed. But he was certain tonight Blaine would keep on his side of the bed. Kurt wouldn’t be surprised if Blaine was too disgusted to even look at him. And after Blaine had played “Vincent” for him, telling him how he was beautiful inside and out. Clearly, Blaine had been appeasing him, lying to him.

Kurt stifled a sob, pushing against his new wounds on his stomach to keep himself strong. He rolled over onto his side, staring at the wall. It would be several hours before he found peace in sleep.

K/B

Kurt woke first the next morning. He knew Blaine would have a raging headache when he woke, so he made sure he had Advil and a glass of water available on the bedside table before beginning his moisturizing routine. He had neglected to perform it the night before, and now he was regretting it as his skin felt dry.

“Hey, Kurt, I need your help with these eggs,” Burt yelled up the stairs.

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Kurt answered, continuing to rub the moisturizing cream into his forehead.

“How do you poach an egg?” Burt called out, his voice closer this time.

Kurt turned around just as his father entered the room. Of course, Blaine had to choose that moment to wake up. Grabbing his head, the boy muttered, “Where am I?”

Burt looked conflicted between anger and confusion. He muttered an apology before backing out of the room. Kurt noticed he didn’t close the door back.

“Kurt, why am I in your bed? And why do I feel so-” Blaine cut himself off, his hand flying to his mouth.

Kurt was instantly by his side, trash can in hand. He rubbed Blaine’s back while the boy vomited. Kurt sighed, knowing today was going to be a long day.

K/B

Several days passed, but things returned to normal. That is, normal until Rachel called Blaine while he was at the Lima Bean with Kurt. Kurt listened to Blaine’s side of the conversation, not quite understanding what the conversation was about from Blaine’s answers. When Blaine hung up, Kurt looked at him expectantly.

“Rachel just asked me out,” Blaine told him, looking surprised.

“She’s got a girl crush on you.” Kurt couldn’t help it. He laughed. Then he distinctly remembered hearing Blaine agree to something Rachel had said. The smile left his face. “Wait a second, why’d you say yes? You can’t lead her on.”

“Who says I’m leading her on?” Blaine poured sugar into his coffee before further elaborating, stirring his coffee.

“You can’t be serious.” Kurt could feel his heart breaking once more, again from this boy.

“When we kissed . . . it felt good.”

“Because you were drunk. You’re gay,” Kurt said bluntly.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m not. I’ve never even had a boyfriend before. Maybe I’m bisexual.” Blaine shrugged as if this was every day conversation.

“Bisexual is just a term gay guys use when they want to hold hands with girls, and feel like a normal person for a change,” Kurt spat out.

“And what exactly is a normal person? Look, I don’t understand why you’re so angry.” Blaine was beginning to get defensive.

“Because I admire you. I’ve respected you since the day we met for being out of the closet, and now you’re about to tiptoe back in. This is just very confusing.” Kurt was furious. Blaine had given Kurt someone he could look up to, and now here he was saying that everything was a lie?

“However confusing this is for you, it’s actually much more confusing for me. I’m happy for you, Kurt. You’re one hundred percent sure of who you are. Fantastic. Maybe we all can’t be so lucky.” Blaine got to his feet, gathering his things.

“Yeah, Blaine, I was so lucky to be driven out of my school by a Neanderthal that threatened to kill me.”

“And why did he do that?”

“Because he didn’t like who I was.”

“Which is exactly what you’re doing to me, right now.  I’m just trying to figure out who I am. How can you, of all people, get down on me for that? I didn’t think this is who you were.”

Then Blaine was walking away before Kurt could say anything else. He considered following him, but knew the boy wouldn’t want to see him right now. Kurt bit the inside of his cheek to keep from crying. He couldn’t let his weakness show. Grabbing his belongings, Kurt disappeared into the bathroom.

Kurt entered the stall furthest from the door. He locked the stall door before drawing out his razorblade. He wrenched his sleeve up, pushing the razor in without a second’s hesitation. He pushed it in further, the physical pain not yet enough to block out the mental. He knew the blade had gone in deeper than normal. He knew he wasn’t being as careful as he normally was. But Kurt just didn’t care. He pulled the razor away to inspect the wound before pushing it back in one last time. Finally, he could feel the strength the act gave him. This time, when he removed the blade he saw just how deep he had gone. Kurt found his ace bandage, wrapping it around the wound quickly. He knew he should probably go to the ER for stitches, but then his secret would be found out. Instead, he drove to Dalton as quickly as he could.

Rushing through the hall to his dorm room, Kurt avoided eye contact with anyone. He could feel all the boys’ eyes on him. When he finally made it to his room, Kurt locked the door. He pulled his sleeve up, alarmed to see the blood had seeped through the ace bandage. Kurt carefully removed the bandage. He grabbed his medical supplies out from under his bathroom sink. He placed a butterfly strip across the wound, pulling the skin together. Then he placed three pieces of gauze over that, covering the entire thing with medical tape.

Kurt leaned against the wall, sliding down to the floor. How had things managed to spiral so far out of control? All he had wanted was to be perfect for Blaine, now that goal was further away than it had ever been before. Blaine didn’t even know if he was gay anymore. He was going on a date with Rachel Berry of all people. And in a moment of weakness Kurt might have caused permanent damage to his wrist.

More than anything, Kurt wanted to apologize to Blaine. But not because he was truly sorry, he had meant what he had said. No, he hated Blaine being angry at him more than anything. And now Blaine thought Kurt was intolerant. Kurt hung his head, emotionally exhausted. Tomorrow, he would try to fix things.

K/B

Blaine avoided Kurt the next day, not sure what to say to the other Warbler. Kurt forced himself to drive to Rachel’s house that night, knowing that her date with Blaine had been that evening. When she asked him why he was there, he lied saying he had been in the neighborhood. But of course, perfect Rachel Berry saw right through that.

“You want to know how my date with Blaine went,” Rachel stated, throwing some plastic cups into the trash bag she held. “It was lovely.”

“Did you kiss?” Kurt found himself asking, unable to stop himself.

“No. The timing wasn’t right.” Rachel sighed.

“Or the blood alcohol level,” Kurt muttered.

“Look, Kurt, I know you have feelings for him. But Blaine is obviously conflicted. If it turns out he isn’t gay, I would have saved you a lot of heartache.” Rachel dropped to the floor, abandoning her cleaning efforts.

“Then let me save you some heartache, Rachel. Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will turn out to be the most flaming of homosexuals. Maybe it seems like you have a lot in common with Blaine, but you will never have chemistry.” Kurt tried to keep his temper in check, barely.

“Fine. I’ll prove it to you. I’m going to kiss him while we’re both completely sober. If the spark is still there, then you will have to admit that you were wrong.”

“I won’t be wrong,” Kurt answered, not feeling as confidant as he managed to sound. He left without another word.

Once in the safety of his car, Kurt pulled out his razorblade. He felt alone now more than ever. He had succeeded in alienating himself from the few friends that he possessed. He pressed the edge of the blade into his right wrist, gasping with the relief it brought him. He put the blade away before he finally left Rachel’s driveway, not looking back.

K/B

“Okay, let’s see how this soufflé turned out.” Burt pulled the dish out of the oven.

“You didn’t leave enough room in the dish to let it rise,” Kurt said with frustration. His dad would never get cooking down, and frankly Kurt wasn’t in the mood to try to teach him today.

“What’s wrong with you?” Burt asked, turning to his son.

“Nothing. I’m sorry. I’ve just been fighting with Blaine.” Kurt sat at the table, not looking at his father.

“Blaine, huh? Speaking of Blaine, we need to talk about you being inappropriate in my house.” Burt sat opposite him.

“Nothing happened. Blaine was too drunk to drive home so I let him sleep over. I was being responsible. I didn’t drink.” Kurt assumed his dad was upset about the underage drinking. He was shocked when his father appeared to not even be aware that drinking had been involved.

“You kids are drinking now? Wait, you know, that’s not the point. The point is Blaine slept over in your room.”

“What, this is about me being gay? What if Finn had a sleepover with Puck? Would that be inappropriate?” Kurt threw the word back in his father’s face.

“This isn’t about you being gay. I accept you for who you are, you know that. But I wouldn’t let a girl sleep over with Finn, either. It’s just not okay,” Burt said.

“Fine. Then I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Kurt was anxious for this conversation to be over. He could feel himself weakening and he needed to make himself strong again.

“Thank you.”

Kurt stood up from the table, turning around after he took several steps. “But maybe you could step outside of your comfort zone and educate yourself. That way if I have any questions I could come to my dad like any straight son would.”

He practically ran to his room, locking the door behind him. Kurt put his iPod in its dock, flipping through the list of songs until he found the one he could most relate to at that moment.

Help, I have done it again.

I have been here many times before.

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame.

The lyrics rang true in Kurt’s mind. He had caused all of this. He should have told Blaine he didn’t want to go to the party. He should have told him how he felt calmly, instead of letting his anger get the best of him. But he hadn’t. And now he was alone, except for his razorblade. Kurt knew he was cutting more than ever before, but he also needed it now more than ever before. Even with the whole Jeremiah fiasco, Kurt hadn’t been this desperate to stay strong. So once more, Kurt found himself reaching for his razor, his lifeline.

Be my friend.

Hold me, wrap me up.

Unfold me.

I am small.

I’m needy.

Warm me up.

And breathe me.

Kurt had already lost his father long before his transfer to Dalton. He couldn’t talk to him anymore. And now he had lost Blaine, his one friend at the school. He was truly alone. He had no friends, except his razorblade. Maybe it was weird to consider an object he was using to harm himself his friend, but his razorblade was always there when he needed it. Unlike his father and Blaine.

If Kurt needed someone to hold him up, he couldn’t depend on anyone else to do it. His razorblade gave him the strength he needed. He wrapped himself up in the comfort it offered to him as it poured into him. He knew he had been selfish in his relationship with Blaine recently. That was why his relationship with the razor was perfect. It was all take, no give. And as he sliced into his skin, he sucked in a shuddering breath.

Ouch, I have lost myself again.

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found.

Yeah, I think that I might break.

I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe.

Before this week, Kurt had already felt lost. Before this week though, he had been able to find himself each time he broke his skin. This time was different. He could still feel himself breaking. He didn’t feel safe in his own skin. So he sliced into it again.

Be my friend.

Hold me, wrap me up.

Unfold me.

I am small.

I’m needy.

Warm me up.

And breathe me.

Kurt pushed the blade in one final time, and as the song ended he let the implement fall to the floor. His body shook as he let his tears fall, doing nothing to stop them. He wanted to go to Blaine now more than ever, but knew that was impossible. Instead, Kurt crawled into his bed, not bothering to wrap his wounds. He fell into a fitful sleep, wishing that he had never agreed to go to Rachel Berry’s party.

K/B

“There he is,” Kurt told Rachel, nodding in Blaine’s direction.

Kurt had met Rachel at the Lima Bean, knowing Blaine would be there soon after his last class let out. Rachel was still determined to prove that Blaine could be straight. And of course, Kurt had tagged along to torture himself even further.

“Right. I’m just going to go lay one on him.” Rachel stood from her seat, making her way over to Blaine with purpose.

“Hey, Rachel,” Blaine greeted her as she neared him. Then her lips were on his. Blaine was shocked. He pulled back first, stunned. “Wow. Yeah, I’m gay. One hundred percent gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me.”

Rachel turned to Kurt. Kurt was surprised to see that she was smiling. “That was amazing. This is songwriting gold. I have to go write. Thank you, Kurt.”

She kissed Kurt’s cheek before practically skipping out of the Lima Bean. Blaine got his coffee from the barista before joining Kurt at his table. They hadn’t fully discussed what had happened, and Kurt knew they needed to.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt started, knowing that he meant it now. “I should have handled things differently.”

“It’s all right. I’ve always been so sure of who I was. I think it’s healthy that I questioned it for once. Now I’m even more sure than I was before.” Blaine stirred his coffee absentmindedly.

“So we’re okay?” Kurt asked tentatively.

“We’re better than okay.” Blaine reached across the table, squeezing Kurt’s hand.

Even though he withdrew his hand, Kurt could still feel the warmth from Blaine’s skin on his. The subject easily turned to the latest Vogue cover. Kurt couldn’t stop himself from hoping that now that Blaine was accepting himself once more, maybe, just maybe, he’d start to view Kurt in a different light.