Chapter Four: Silly Love Songs

“I hate Valentine’s Day.” Kurt wrinkled his nose at the pink heart-shaped decorations on display at the Lima Bean. “It’s just another excuse to get people to spend a whole bunch of money trying to prove how much they love each other.”

“Really? It’s my favorite holiday.” Blaine took a step forward as the line moved. “Do you think it’s too much to sing to someone for Valentine’s Day?”

Blaine’s voice changed when he asked the question. This didn’t go unnoticed by Kurt. He couldn’t stop himself from hoping that maybe Blaine was asking because he wanted to sing to him for Valentine’s Day.

“Not at all. Why?” Kurt asked, trying to sound disinterested but failing miserably.

“There’s this guy I like. I’ve only known him for a little while, but recently my feelings have changed into something deeper. I haven’t told him how I feel yet but I want to, and I want to do something special when I tell him.” Blaine stepped up to the cash register, placing his order as well as Kurt’s.

“You know my coffee order?” Kurt asked breathlessly, sincerely hoping Blaine had been speaking about him earlier.

“Of course, I do.” Blaine paid for their drinks before leading Kurt away. “So, what do you think? Is my idea too over the top?”

“Quite the opposite, actually. I think it’s romantic.” Kurt could feel himself blushing, but didn’t seem to care for once.

“Cool. Speaking of singing, have you picked what song you’re going to use to audition for Regionals?” Blaine asked casually.

The auditions weren’t much more than a formality. Every Warbler knew Blaine would land as many solos as his heart desired, regardless of try outs. Kurt realized this as well, but that wasn’t about to keep him from trying his hardest. After all, if he got a solo Kurt might finally be perfect enough for Blaine.

“I think I have the perfect song.”

K/B

“Next up is Warbler Kurt. Kurt, you have the floor.” Wes sat down, motioning for Kurt to move to the center of the room.

Kurt had put a lot of thought into his song selection. Naturally, most people would assume Kurt would perform some spectacular Broadway number. But Kurt wanted something different. He wanted a way to express exactly how he had been feeling the past few months, without directly admitting it. Singing was, of course, the perfect way to release unwanted emotions. So instead of doing yet another Wicked number, Kurt chose a song that would help him release some of his unhealthy feelings.

And Kurt wasn’t disappointed with the reactions of the other Warblers. As he began to sing, the others exchanged glances. This was definitely not what they had been expecting from Kurt.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did.

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery.

I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard.

I’ve learned the hard way to never let it get that far.

Typically, Kurt avoided the Top 40s list. But this song spoke to him on such a deep level. He had instantly thought of Karofsky when he heard the song playing on the radio the other day. The words rang true to Kurt. He knew that Karofsky’s actions had been fueled by his own self-hatred. Karofsky refused to accept the person that he was. And Kurt never wanted to be like that.

Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk.

Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt.

Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me.

Because of you, I am afraid.

Of course, Blaine realized instantly why Kurt had chosen this song. The other Warblers did not know the details of Kurt’s past other than he had been bullied, but Blaine knew everything. He knew this song reminded Kurt of Karofsky. Blaine was proud of Kurt for being able to sing this in front of the Warblers. This just showed how strong the other boy was, even if Kurt didn’t see it himself.

I lose my way and it’s not too long before you point it out.

I cannot cry because I know that’s weakness in your eyes.

I’m forced to fake a smile, a laugh every day of my life.

My heart can’t possibly break when it wasn’t even whole to start with.

Kurt fought to keep his voice from breaking. He could get through this. This had been his choice, his decision. No one else had asked him to sing this song, but he had done it anyway. He had hoped it would help him, but now all he wanted to do was run back to his dorm room where he could be alone with his razorblade. But he pushed the urge down as he repeated the chorus. He knew what was coming and he had to be strong for the bridge. That would be the hardest part. And all too soon the chorus was drawing to a close. He continued onwards, not letting his fear own him.

Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk.

Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt.

Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me.

Because of you, I am afraid.

I watched you die; I heard you cry every night in your sleep.

I was so young; you should have known better than to lean on me.

You never thought of anyone else; you just saw your pain.

And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing.

Kurt bit back a sob, forcing his vocal chords to work. It was almost over. Then he could return to his room and find solace from his memories the only way he knew how. Just a little bit longer.

Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk.

Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt.

Because of you, I try my hardest just to forget everything.

Because of you, I don’t know how to let anyone else in.

Because of you, I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty.

Because of you, I am afraid.

Kurt closed his eyes, trying to hold his tears in. He could feel himself on the verge of breaking down, and all he wanted to do was hold himself together. He couldn’t afford to break down in front of everyone again. It had been bad enough when he’d collapsed in the hallway two days ago. He didn’t open his eyes as he sang the last notes.

Because of you.

Because of you.

Everyone seemed too shocked to applaud. Everyone except Blaine. He acted normally, clapping loudly. This pulled the other Warblers out of their stupor. Kurt faked a smile before he bowed slightly and returned to his seat. He pushed his arm against his stomach and the healing wounds there. Pain. He needed pain. He needed to be strong.

“Thank you, Warbler Kurt.” Wes found his voice. Kurt nodded, not looking in the direction of the council members.

Kurt let his thoughts roam the rest of the meeting. He didn’t hear any of the other soloists, knowing that Blaine would end up with the solos anyway. In fact, he didn’t notice the meeting was over until Blaine shook his shoulder gently.

“Kurt? You okay?” he asked.

Kurt nodded. “Fine. Just thinking of how much homework I have.”

Blaine chatted animatedly while he walked Kurt back to his dorm room. It seemed to take forever, but finally Kurt was inside. Alone at last.

He was so tired, but he had to do something before he could sleep. He had to make himself strong. Kurt knew what he needed to do. He walked into his bathroom, pulling off his uniform as he went. His arm and stomach was still healing from the last time he had cut. Kurt turned his attention to his inner thigh, knowing the skin there was just as sensitive as that of his wrist. Perfect.

Kurt shuddered violently. His emotions were finally getting the best of him, after the hour long Warbler meeting. His tears began to fall as he reached for his razorblade. He didn’t bother to wipe them away. He knew he’d stop crying as soon as he was stronger. Crying was a sign of weakness. Kurt Hummel was not weak. Not when he had his source of strength.

He brought the razor down to his thigh, pushing and pulling against his skin until it opened. He sighed in relief. Kurt could feel the strength entering him as his blood flowed out. He waited before he bandaged his new wounds, watching the blood leave his body. Finally, he put himself back together, like he always did. Then he collapsed on his bed, finding peace in sleep.

K/B

Kurt was sitting on his bed, doodling. He didn’t have any homework for once, so he contented himself by drawing his name with Blaine’s inside of a heart. He jumped when he heard a knock on the door, and the subject of his doodling appeared.

“What’re you doing?” Blaine asked, leaning against the doorway.

“Nothing.” Kurt slammed his notebook shut. The last thing he needed was for Blaine to find him drawing their names together in a heart.

“I called an emergency Warbler meeting,” Blaine said.

Kurt was instantly on his feet, following Blaine to the choir room.

“Why?” he asked.

“You’ll see,” Blaine answered by refusing to answer.

Kurt frowned, but didn’t push the other boy any further. He would know soon enough. He took a seat on the nearest empty couch while Blaine took the floor.

Blaine cleared his throat before speaking. “I’m in love.”

Several Warblers laughed, while others spoke at the same time so no one was able to tell what was said. Wes hit his gavel on the table, calling for order. He nodded at Blaine to continue.

“I’m not good with relationships or feelings. But I want this person to know how I feel. And I would like the Warblers to help me. Off campus.”

“Off campus!” Thad exclaimed.

“That’s ridiculous. The Warblers haven’t performed in an informal setting since 1927,” David protested loudly. Wes hit his gavel again, trying to regain order.

“Exactly. We’re privileged, porcelain birds,” Blaine said. That was obviously the wrong thing to say as the room exploded.

“I think it’s a great idea.” Kurt had to yell to get anyone to hear him, but he was successful. Everyone turned to look at him skeptically. “At McKinley, any time we sang was in a hostile situation.  It gave us confidence. The Warblers don’t know how to deal with such a thing. If something were to arise when we aren’t suspecting it the results could be disastrous. We need to expose ourselves to more difficult situations.”

The other Warblers seemed to be considering Kurt’s words. Finally, Wes nodded.

“Very well. Where will this performance be taking place?” Wes asked.

“The Gap.” Blaine answered, blushing.

Kurt was confused. If Blaine was going to be singing to him, why would they go all the way to the mall to do so?

“Why The Gap?” Kurt asked before he could stop himself. Immediately he wished he hadn’t asked.

“The guy I like is the junior manager there.”

Kurt felt his heart break instantly. He didn’t listen while the Warblers worked with Blaine to get all the details straight. And when Wes finally dismissed them, he was the first one out of the room.

K/B

“I was absolutely devastated.” Kurt sighed into the pillow he was holding. He was at Rachel’s house for a sleepover with Mercedes. The two were very sympathetic with Kurt’s situation. Not that it made Kurt feel any better.

Nothing had made Kurt feel any better. Nothing except his razor. That was what he had immediately turned to after he left the choir room. The pain that he felt knowing that Blaine was pining after another guy tore him apart worse than Kurt could possibly tear into his own skin. But he tried to match that pain with the pain of his razor, cutting deeper than he meant to. He had finally gotten the bleeding to stop, but the whole experience shook him to the core. He knew he had to be more careful next time or he’d end up in the Emergency Room getting stitches. And then everyone would know his secret.

Kurt almost didn’t care, except for the fact that if anyone found out he wouldn’t be able to hurt himself anymore. The fact that Blaine was in love with another guy just went to show how imperfect Kurt was. And he was beginning to think that he’d never be perfect enough, no matter how hard he tried. Perfection was always just outside of his grasp, but he never could seem to get a hold of it.

“Well, did Blaine ever say you were dating?” Rachel asked carefully, not wanting to anger Kurt.

“Not in so many words,” Kurt answered, ducking his head to avoid her gaze. “But we hang out all the time, and he knows my coffee order. Oh God, I made the whole thing up in my head, didn’t I?”

“I’ve been there before,” Mercedes said. “With you.”

Kurt laughed weakly.

“I know how you feel too, Kurt. I lost Finn and that broke my heart. But tomorrow I’m going up to that kissing booth with a hundred dollar bill. Finn won’t be able to find any change and he’ll be forced to kiss me a hundred times. And when we kiss, he’ll feel just how much I love him,” Rachel said.

“Rachel, this is about Kurt. Stop making it about yourself.” Mercedes restrained the urge to shake the other girl. Sometimes she could be really self-centered. “Look, I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day and I’m happy. Look at our idols. Do you think Barbra Streisand let some guy decide her future? No. Kurt, tomorrow you’re going to that Gap and you’re going to inspect the competition. Harness that pain that you’re feeling and put it into your performance. You’re always passionate but with this much emotion behind you Blaine can’t help but notice you.”

Kurt smiled. “Thank you.”

“What are friends for?” Mercedes hugged him tightly; hoping things would work out for her best friend.

K/B

“There he is.” Blaine nodded towards the guy who was currently folding up sweaters. “Jeremiah. If we got married I’d have a 50% discount. God, I can’t do this.”

“Come on, man up,” Kurt encouraged him, despite the fact that his heart was breaking. “You’re amazing. He’s going to love you.”

Blaine nodded, stepping towards Jeremiah. He forced his stomach to unknot itself as he began to sing. "When I Get You Alone" probably wasn’t the best song choice, but Kurt hadn’t cared enough to try to sway Blaine’s opinion.

Kurt was forced to watch on in horror as Jeremiah repeatedly walked away from Blaine, who didn’t seem to get the picture. He kept advancing towards Jeremiah, not backing down. Kurt sang along half-heartedly. At least it appeared Jeremiah wasn’t interested, but then again, who isn’t interested in Blaine? Jeremiah was probably just playing hard to get.

Kurt rubbed his thighs together, needing to feel the sting as his pants rubbed against his wounds. He had removed his bandages to allow himself to feel the most pain. He kept pushing against his wounds until the song finally ended. Blaine asked Kurt to wait with him outside, and of course Kurt was unable to tell Blaine no to anything.

When Jeremiah finally appeared, he chewed Blaine out. Kurt wanted to beat the other boy into a pulp. How dare he hurt Blaine? Perfect Blaine, who looked like someone had kicked his puppy.

“Nobody here knows I’m gay!” Jeremiah exclaimed angrily. Obviously he wasn’t quite ready to leave the closet.

Kurt wanted Jeremiah to hurt like he was hurting Blaine. He couldn’t stop himself from speaking. “Can I be honest? Just with the hair – I think they do.”

Insulting Jeremiah hadn’t helped the situation any, but it sure made Kurt feel better. Blaine didn’t react at all to Kurt’s interjection, proving how broken the boy truly was.

“We got coffee twice, Blaine. We’re not dating. We never were. And if we were it would be illegal because you’re underage.” Jeremiah walked off without another word.

Blaine didn’t speak the entire car ride back to Dalton. Once back at the school, he escaped to his dorm room. Clearly he needed to be alone. Kurt did too. He hated seeing Blaine hurting. He hated not being able to fix it. If he was perfect he’d be able to protect Blaine from any hurt. He’d be able to fix it.

Kurt locked his room door behind him. He turned the shower on and stripped, allowing the water to warm before he climbed in. When he did, he had his razor in hand. Kurt ran the blade across his stomach, feeling stronger instantly.

K/B

“Ugh, I wish Valentine’s Day was over.” Blaine scowled at the pink decorations. “I don’t think I’ve ever made that big of a fool of myself. I can’t believe I made the whole thing up in my head.”

Kurt had been surprised when Blaine asked if he wanted to grab a cup of coffee at the Lima Bean, but of course he had said yes. He knew one day was too soon to hope that Blaine was over Jeremiah, but he found himself hoping anyway. He wanted Blaine to be happy, but he wanted him to be happy with him.

“I have to ask you something, because we’ve always been completely honest with each other.” Kurt took a deep breath, drawing on all his strength. The strength he had accumulated throughout the week in his many cutting binges. He couldn’t ever lie to Blaine about anything. He never kept anything from Blaine, except for his cutting. “We hang out, we sing flirty duets, and you know my coffee order. Was I supposed to think that that was nothing?”

“What do you mean?” Blaine frowned at him.

“I thought the guy you wanted to ask out on Valentine’s Day was me.” Kurt looked Blaine in the eye, wondering if Blaine honestly hadn’t noticed anything between the two of them.

“Wow. I really am clueless.” Blaine was shocked. He had never considered Kurt in that way before. “Look, Kurt. I always pretend like I know exactly what I’m doing. But I don’t. I’ve never been in a relationship before.”

“Me neither,” Kurt admitted.

“Let me be really clear about something. I really, really care about you, Kurt. I’m just not very good at romance, as I showed you yesterday. I don’t want to screw this up.”

“So it’s like When Harry Met Sally but I get to be Meg Ryan?” Kurt asked, trying to laugh the entire thing off.

“Didn’t they get together in the end?” Blaine asked.

Kurt didn’t answer, moving up to the cash register to place his order as well as Blaine’s.

“You know my coffee order?” Blaine asked as Kurt moved away from the register to wait for their drinks.

“I think I know what we can do for Valentine’s Day.” Kurt ignored Blaine’s question. He excused himself, saying he was going to call Mercedes. Instead, he went to the bathroom. He entered the stall the furthest away from the door. He was glad he had his messenger bag with him. Kurt had started to carry a razorblade around with him since he had the flashback in the hallway at Dalton. Just in case he needed it and wasn’t near his dorm room, that way he could be strong anywhere, no matter what.

Kurt pulled his sleeve up, pressing the blade against his skin. He sliced into his flesh, knowing he was moments away from losing all of his strength. He felt bad for leaving Blaine to hurt himself in the bathroom, but he didn’t know what else to do. He had to stay strong. He couldn’t lose face in front of Blaine. Especially not now.

When he was done he wrapped an ace bandage around his arm for easy clean-up. He tugged his sleeve back down before he hid his razor once more, saving it for another day. Kurt fired off a quick text to Mercedes, knowing she would spread his idea as quick as anyone else. This way Kurt hadn’t really lied to Blaine. He had contacted Mercedes, just not immediately.

Mercedes answered less than a minute after Kurt had sent her the text. He exited the bathroom, feeling better about his circumstances.

K/B

Kurt couldn’t keep himself from smiling as he looked out at all of his New Directions friends in the audience. For once, he didn’t feel alone.

“Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!” Kurt spoke loudly into the microphone. “Whether you are single with hope, or madly in love and are here because I forced you to come out and support me, sit back and enjoy. And to all the singles out there, this is our year.”

He slipped back into his spot in the Warblers formation. The group began the background vocals immediately.

I love you.

I can’t explain the feeling’s plain to me, so can’t you see?

How can I tell you about my loved one?

Blaine broke apart from the group, lead soloist as usual. For once, Kurt wasn’t jealous of the attention focused on his best friend. He wanted Blaine to be happy more than anything. And he knew if one thing made Blaine happy, it was performing.

You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs.

But I look around me and I see it isn’t so.

Blaine strode off the stage, standing behind the booth where Mike, Tina, Mercedes, and Rachel sat. He sang the next line before continuing to wander around the room.

Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs.

And what’s wrong with that?

I’d like to know, ‘cause here I go again.

He made his way back up to the stage, standing next to Kurt in formation. Kurt smiled at Blaine, truly happy for the first time in months. And he couldn’t help but notice how Blaine looked at him when he sang the next line.

I love you (I love)

I love you (I love)

Kurt forced the hope that had entered his heart back. He couldn’t get his hopes up, not again. Not so soon after the first time. He was glad when the choreography forced him to move away from Blaine. He didn’t want to think about this anymore.

Love doesn’t come in a minute (Doesn’t come in a minute)

Sometimes it doesn’t come at all (Doesn’t come at all)

I only know that when I’m in it (Only know when I’m in it)

It isn’t silly (at all), love isn’t silly (at all), love isn’t silly at all, not at all        

And then Blaine was standing next to him again. Kurt couldn’t help but laugh at the silly expression on his face, which caused Blaine to laugh in turn. It was like nothing had ever happened between the two of them. Like Blaine hadn’t made a fool of himself in front of Jeremiah, and Kurt hadn’t done the same in front of Blaine.

Kurt broke away from the group to hug Mercedes and Rachel. If it weren’t for them, he never would have gone to the Gap Attack in the first place. And now he and Blaine were back to normal. He pointed right at Mercedes as he backed away, singing the next line.

I love you

I love you (I can’t explain the feelings plain to me, so can’t you see?)

I love you (I can’t explain the feelings plan to me, so can’t you see?)

(How can I tell you about my loved one?)

The song drew to a close, and the room filled with applause, cheers, and laughter. Kurt was glad the week was over. It had been a hard one. But he knew if he kept going he would finally reach his goal. He would be perfect.