Chapter Three: The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

Kurt smiled when he heard a knock at his room door. Many people would not enjoy having visitors at such an early hour, but Kurt knew that this was not just any visitor. It was Blaine, waiting for him with coffee. Kurt swung the door open. He couldn’t help but blush when he saw the brilliant smile on Blaine’s face. He couldn’t stop himself from hoping that he was the cause of such happiness.

“Ready to go?” Blaine asked, offering Kurt his latte.

“Almost,” Kurt answered, taking the latte from Blaine. He set it down on his desk so he could throw on his blazer. He picked up his coffee and followed Blaine out of the door while he slipped his messenger bag over his shoulder.

Kurt had thought things would be awkward between them after he had called Blaine in the middle of the night crying. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Burt had been the one to find them the next morning, asleep on Kurt’s bed. Thankfully his dad believed Kurt’s story and didn’t ask too many questions. Blaine seemed just as eager to forget anything had ever happened. Though what Kurt didn’t know was that Blaine worried about the other boy. He wanted to broach the subject of Kurt’s nightmares, especially the one that had been so bad over Christmas break, but he knew Kurt would only talk when he was ready and not a second before. But over a month had passed, and Blaine was beginning to think Kurt would never be ready.

“I wish Christmas break had been longer. I’m ready for another break,” Blaine broke the silence as Kurt closed his room door behind him.

Kurt opened his mouth to answer when it happened. Cam slammed his door, the noise echoing loudly down the halls. Kurt was no longer at Dalton. He was at McKinley with Karofsky standing over him, menacingly. Blaine watched in shock as Kurt’s legs gave out from under him. Kurt fell to the ground, dropping his coffee which spilt across the pristine tiled floor. He pulled himself into the fetal position, trying to protect whatever soft spots Karofsky might attempt to injure.

“Kurt!” Blaine exclaimed, dropping to the other boy’s side.

He placed a hand on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt was shaking violently, tremors that shook his entire body. A crowd was growing around the pair. Blaine knew he had to get Kurt out of there. All other thoughts forgotten, Blaine scooped Kurt into his arms. Thankfully, David had seen the entire thing and opened Kurt’s door before Blaine could ask. He nodded at the other Warbler before entering the room and kicking the door closed behind him.

Blaine laid Kurt down on the bed. His heart broke when the boy scrambled away from him, whimpering, “Please, don’t hurt me.”

That was when Blaine realized Kurt wasn’t aware of his surroundings at all. In Kurt’s mind, he was back at McKinley with Karofsky bearing down on him.

“Kurt, it’s all right. You’re all right. You’re okay. No one is going to hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you. You’re safe. Kurt, listen to me.” Blaine tried to soothe the other boy. He took Kurt’s hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the back of Kurt’s smooth skin. He didn’t move any closer than that, though. He didn’t want to startle Kurt further.

Finally, Kurt seemed to tear himself away from the halls of McKinley. He was in his dorm room, on his bed, with Blaine holding his hand while he talked softly to him. The dam broke. Kurt couldn’t hold back his tears. And as he collapsed inwards, Blaine rushed forwards to hold him up. He pulled the other boy into his arms, rubbing his back and whispering softly in his ear.

It took a while, but Kurt eventually pulled himself away from Blaine. How much time had passed, neither boy knew. Blaine looked at Kurt carefully, trying to find any clue as to his state of mind. But the only emotion that showed on Kurt’s face shocked Blaine. Kurt discreetly avoided looking in Blaine’s direction. Kurt was ashamed.

“Kurt?” Blaine asked tentatively.

His suspicions were confirmed when Kurt flinched at the sound of his voice. He turned his body away from Blaine, wishing he could disappear on the spot. Unfortunately, he didn’t and neither did Blaine. He closed his eyes when Blaine tried again.

“Kurt? Talk to me. What just happened?”

Kurt shrugged his shoulders. He needed to get Blaine out of here so he could be alone. He needed his razorblade, but even if he could escape into his bathroom he couldn’t hurt himself with Blaine just in the other room. What if Blaine walked in on him? What if Blaine were to find out exactly how Kurt was dealing with his past? There were just too many bad scenarios to come if he even attempted to do that with Blaine here.

“I don’t know,” Kurt lied. He knew this would not appease Blaine but he didn’t want to admit his weakness.

“I think you do,” Blaine said softly, reaching out to take Kurt’s hand.

Kurt flinched away from his touch, not quite recovered from his flashback. Blaine frowned, not knowing if he should withdraw his hand or not. But when Kurt relaxed a tad, he knew whatever he was doing was working.

“You were at McKinley, weren’t you?” Blaine asked empathically.

Kurt nodded, knowing if he attempted to speak now his voice would break.

“I know it was Karofsky,” Blaine paused before continuing, “But if you want me to help you I need you to tell me specifically what happened.”

Kurt was still shaking, though not as badly as out in the hall. He was covered in coffee and his clothes were sticking to him uncomfortably. He wanted to change but knew he couldn’t with Blaine in the room. Then he would see his scars and the fresh cuts and he would know. So instead, Kurt pulled at his clothes, trying to get them away from his skin.

“Do you want to change first?” Blaine asked, noticing Kurt’s discomfort. Maybe it would somehow be easier for him to talk if he were more comfortable and less sticky.

“Do you mind?” Kurt asked quietly, pointedly looking at the door when he spoke.

“Not at all. I’ll wait outside. Give you a minute.” Blaine slipped out of the door before Kurt could even thank him for his thoughtfulness and understanding. Kurt locked the door behind him, in case Blaine decided he was taking too long.

“All right. Now he’s completely out of the room. You can do this. You can be strong,” Kurt whispered to himself as he entered his bathroom. He stripped completely, letting his clothes fall to the ground without a care. Normally he was a complete neat freak, but he knew what was fixing to happen and right now he couldn’t care less about making a mess. He only cared about one thing.

Kurt found his razorblade hidden in his medicine cabinet. He placed the sharp edge against his stomach and pushed, dragging it across the skin there to open his flesh. He knew what he was doing was fucked up. Only a crazy person would do this to themselves, carving into their own skin for release. But Kurt was fucked up and he was crazy, at least in his own mind. And those were the thoughts that he forced to leave his mind as he drug the blade across his skin several more times before he finally rinsed it off and placed it back in his medicine cabinet. Kurt allowed a moment to look at his handiwork before he pulled bandages out of the cabinet. Seeing the blood, seeing the bad feelings and thoughts leave his body helped. He bandaged his new cuts before wiping away the fresh blood. Then he put everything away and closed his bathroom door behind him. He slipped into a pair of skinny jeans and a long-sleeved shirt before he finally opened the door to find Blaine sitting on the ground, a worried expression plastered across his face.

“I was beginning to worry if you’d forgotten I was out here,” Blaine said, standing up.

“I could never forget about you,” Kurt answered truthfully. He felt grounded since he had cut. The pull of the bandages against his skin, and the throbbing of his wounds, reminded him that he was strong. He could do anything.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you dress casually.” Blaine looked Kurt up and down, admitting to himself that the boy was not unattractive.

“Well, I didn’t see myself making it to class today so I figured I might as well be comfortable if I’m going to have a lazy day.” Kurt led Blaine into his room. Sitting with his back against his pillows, Kurt pulled his knees up to his chest. He pressed them against the wounds on his stomach, keeping himself grounded.

Blaine noticed the difference in Kurt immediately, but figured Kurt was trying to act like nothing had happened to avoid the subject altogether. Only this time that approach would not work. This time had been much more serious than any other time, except perhaps the time during Christmas break.

“We need to talk about what just happened, Kurt,” Blaine said carefully, sitting next to Kurt.

Kurt froze, thinking that Blaine knew what he had gotten up to in his bathroom. But that was impossible. He forced his body to relax once more, hoping Blaine hadn’t noticed the way his spine had tensed. Unfortunately, Blaine did but he passed it off as Kurt being uncomfortable with the subject.

Kurt took a deep breath before he began his explanation. “You know Karofsky used to shove me into lockers, throw me into dumpsters, that kind of thing. When Cam slammed his door, it reminded me of the sound the lockers made as I became a human missile for Karofsky’s entertainment.”

Blaine sighed, placing a hand on Kurt’s knee. “I’m going to talk to Cam, and the rest of the boys for that matter.”

“No, please don’t. I don’t want them to know.”

Apparently Kurt hadn’t noticed the crowd in the hallway after he had collapsed. Blaine didn’t want to have to tell him, but knew Kurt would wonder why everyone was staring at him if he didn’t.

“I won’t say anything to Cam, but he noticed you collapsing. So did several other people.” Blaine squeezed Kurt’s knee.

“Oh no,” Kurt allowed his head to fall into his knees, momentarily forgetting that Blaine’s hand was there. Blaine moved his hand out from under Kurt’s forehead. Instead of pulling away though, he wrapped an arm around Kurt’s shoulders, bringing him closer.

“Don’t worry. No one will say anything. But I have to ask. Have you considered talking to someone? A professional?”

Kurt lifted his head up, tilting it slightly to look at Blaine. “I don’t need a shrink,” he said harshly.

“It’s not a bad thing to need someone to talk to. It doesn’t make you weak. In fact, I spoke to the guidance counselor here several times after my transfer,” Blaine admitted.

“You did?” Kurt asked, surprised.

“Yes.” Blaine nodded. “She helped me adjust to life here, and helped me learn how to deal with my past.”

Kurt thought about it for a moment. If perfect Blaine had gotten help, then it wouldn’t make Kurt less perfect than he already was. Maybe it would even help him reach his goal of perfection. But if he did go to a guidance counselor or a therapist, what would happen if they found out about his cutting? No, that wasn’t an option. Cutting was the one thing helping him right now and he couldn’t have that taken away from him. No, seeking outside help was not an option.

“I’ll think about it,” Kurt lied.

Blaine nodded. “I’m not going to push you to do anything you don’t want to do, but I really think it would help you.”

“What time is the game tonight?” Kurt asked, changing the subject.

“Seven o’clock. Are we sitting with your parents?” Blaine allowed the subject change, knowing Kurt was probably exhausted from the events of the morning.

“Yes. I told Mercedes and Rachel we’d meet up with them after the game, provided that they don’t get themselves killed as a result of this cockamamie scheme of theirs. Honestly, what those two are thinking trying to play football is beyond me.”

Blaine laughed. “They’ll be fine. Why don’t you get some rest and I’ll come check on you during lunch?”

“A nap does sound nice,” Kurt admitted, stretching out on the bed with a yawn.

“Promise you’ll call me if you need anything?” Blaine asked, knowing he wouldn’t leave if Kurt didn’t agree. But Kurt always agreed.

“I promise,” Kurt answered sleepily.

Blaine squeezed Kurt’s shoulder before he slipped out the door, hoping Kurt wouldn’t need to call him but would keep his promise if he needed to.