Chapter Thirty-One – Saturday Night GLEEver

Kurt Elizabeth Hummel was not oblivious. He prided himself on noticing the smallest details, especially when it came to fashion or the actions of other people. So while no one else seemed to notice anything was wrong with one Blaine Anderson, Kurt did. He hadn’t been acting like himself for over a week now. Kurt could feel Blaine pulling away from him, and there was nothing he could do. Kurt wanted to hold onto him tightly and beg him to never leave, but he couldn’t. Because whenever he asked Blaine what was wrong, he denied everything. But Kurt knew otherwise.

While normally Blaine could hardly keep his hands to himself, he hadn’t so much as kissed Kurt in the past week unless Kurt initiated it. Normally they spent time together after school, going back and forth between each other’s houses, but not that week. Blaine claimed his parents, who were home for the week, wanted to spend time with him. Kurt hadn’t asked any more questions, but he missed Blaine’s company. He was so used to his presence that his absence was all too noticeable. It wasn’t that he missed the sex; he missed the simple things like their cuddling sessions. He missed hearing Blaine say how beautiful he was, how strong he was. Lately, Blaine hadn’t made him feel special.

No one else noticed Blaine distancing himself. He acted like his normal dapper self at school and during glee club. Indeed, today Blaine had jumped onto the stage in the auditorium with Mike and Brittany and performed “You Should Be Dancing.” Kurt had watched with a painted on smile, his eyes stinging with tears. Even though he was surrounded by his closest friends, he felt completely alone.

As Blaine jumped down from the stage and took his seat next to Kurt, Kurt blinked back his tears. He offered Blaine a quick smile before turning his attention to Will. After glee club, Kurt followed Blaine to his locker.

“So what did you think of the number?” Blaine asked curiously as he put his math textbook in his locker.

“I hate to say it but I have to agree with the rest of the club about disco. I don’t think it’s the right direction for nationals. But I did enjoy watching you do that toe-touch,” Kurt teased.

Blaine laughed. “Well I’m glad you got some pleasure out of watching me perform.”

“I love watching you perform,” Kurt said, his face softening.

Blaine smiled but didn’t say anything else. He closed his locker and started off down the hall towards the parking lot. He stopped once he reached his car, which was parked next to Kurt’s Navigator. Lately Blaine had insisted on driving himself to school.

“I should get home,” Blaine said awkwardly. “Mom wants to have family game night.”

“Okay,” Kurt said, trying to hide his disappointment.

“I’ll text you later,” Blaine said before climbing in his car and driving away.

Kurt sighed unhappily. He just wished Blaine would tell him what was going on.

K/B

Mercedes caught Kurt at his locker the next morning, bursting at the seams with excitement. Kurt leaned against his locker, smiling at his friend’s happiness.

“What’s going on?” Kurt asked.

“I got into Cleveland State!” Mercedes exclaimed.

“That’s great!” Kurt said, hugging her quickly. When she pulled back, Kurt asked, “Have you thought about NYU?”

Before Mercedes could answer, they were interrupted by an unfamiliar voice.

“Kurt Hummel? Mercedes Jones?”

Mercedes turned to see a heavyset African American boy approaching them tentatively. While he was clearly a high school student, neither had ever seen him before. Kurt exchanged a confused look with Mercedes before turning his attention to the boy.

“I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m your biggest fan! I’ve been to all of your performances except West Side Story, which I boycotted because you weren’t Tony and Maria,” the boy said.

Kurt brightened visibly. He stepped closer to the boy, offering his hand. He smiled as he said, “Why hello, kind sir! I don’t believe I caught your name.”

Mercedes stifled a laugh. Kurt turned to glare at her quickly before spinning back around.

“I’m Wade Adams,” the boy said. “I go to Carmel High and I’m in Vocal Adrenaline. I know I’m not supposed to even be talking to you but I swear I didn’t come here to spy. I came to ask for your advice.”

Kurt turned to Mercedes with a puzzled look. He was surprised to hear why Wade had come to McKinley, but Kurt knew he couldn’t turn him down. And not just because he had come all this way to see them.

“Why don’t we go somewhere more private to talk?” Kurt asked. He led Wade down the hall and into an empty classroom.

Once they were seated, Wade sighed. Kurt didn’t speak. He knew Wade would talk at his own pace.

“Our coach is Jesse St. James,” Wade said after he had gathered his courage.

“He’s awful,” Mercedes said knowingly. Kurt nodded in agreement.

“He is,” Wade agreed, “but not as horrible as the kids at school, or even my parents. But I have a way to get through it. When I was little, I pretended to be a different person, the person that I dreamt of being. I even have a different name:  Unique. I was so nervous I almost didn’t speak to you guys today, but I thought what would Unique do.”

“Unique sounds like a great person,” Kurt said. “I hope one day you’ll get up the courage to be him.”

“That’s the thing. Unique is a girl. That’s why I came here. Our regionals is this Saturday and I want to perform in a dress and heels. That’s who I feel like I am inside,” Wade said.

“Unique,” Kurt offered.

“Yes.” Wade nodded. “What would you do?”

Kurt looked at Mercedes. She sighed, nodding at Kurt to speak first. Kurt drew in a deep breath.

“Wade, I think it’s great that you have this other part of yourself. And it’s very courageous of you to want to share her with others.” Kurt paused. “But this is Ohio. People are not very accepting here, take it from me. I can’t even hold my boyfriend’s hand in public without some snide remark.”

“If this weren’t Ohio, we would support you one hundred percent,” Mercedes cut in. “But we don’t want you to get hurt, Wade. And because we are in such a close-minded place, I would suggest you performing as Wade, not Unique.”

Wade nodded, offering them a sad smile. “That’s what I was afraid of. Thank you for your time.”

Before Kurt or Mercedes could say anything else, Wade was gone. Kurt sighed unhappily before he too exited the room.

K/B

The next day, Kurt passed Rachel in the hall after school on his way to Sue’s office. Rachel was watching Finn, who was standing at his locker. Kurt slowly walked up to her.

“You should talk to him,” he told her. “Help him.”

“He called me spoiled and self-centered, Kurt,” Rachel reminded him. She still hadn’t spoken to Finn since he had argued their moving to New York was only for Rachel’s benefit. “He can come to me first.”

"That’s a great way to start a marriage,” Kurt said sarcastically.  He reached out and squeezed her hand before speaking again, “If you don’t communicate, you won’t be able to fix things.”

With that, Kurt left her to her thoughts. When he reached Sue’s office, he was surprised to see Mercedes waiting outside.

“Aren’t you going in?” Kurt asked softly.

“I was waiting on you,” Mercedes told him.

Kurt laughed. “Come on.”

“Porcelain, Wheezy,” Sue greeted them as they entered the room. “Have a seat, traitors.”

Kurt looked to Mercedes in confusion. When Sue had called them to her office, neither had known what to expect. But they certainly hadn’t expected that.

“What’re you talking about?” Kurt asked.

“As you well know, I have a large portion of this school bugged and wiretapped. I’m pushing the limits of physics by allying myself with Will Schuester and you repay my help by giving tips to the enemy?” Sue asked.

“That’s not what happened at all,” Mercedes said with a shake of her head.

“Wade asked us for advice because he wants to wear a dress to perform at his regionals as his alter ego, Unique. Mercedes and I didn’t think it was a good idea,” Kurt explained.

“It’s not a good idea, it’s a great idea,” Sue countered.

“Coach Sylvester, this is Ohio. Not many people are going to be down with that,” Mercedes said, furrowing her eyebrows.

“Exactly,” Sue said, pointing her finger at Mercedes. “Vocal Adrenaline will lose their regionals and the New Directions will coast to a win at nationals. I happen to have a pair of thirteen wides,” Sue said, pulling out a pair of silver platform heels. “Deliver these to Unique and get him to cram his hamhocks into them at regionals and we will be well on our way to a national championship. Now get out of my office.”

“What are we going to do?” Kurt asked as Mercedes followed him down the hall.

“The only thing we can do, send the shoes to Wade,” Mercedes said, swinging the heels as she walked.

“But he’ll be a laughing stock,” Kurt protested.

“Kurt, we don’t have another choice. If Vocal Adrenaline makes it to nationals, we’re screwed. I’m sending the shoes to Wade. I’ll see you later,” Mercedes said before walking away.

Kurt groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. He walked out to his car, hoping Blaine hadn’t left yet. But when he reached the parking lot, Blaine’s car was gone. Kurt bit his lip, pushing back his tears as he climbed behind the wheel. He refused to let himself think about Blaine as he drove home. Once there, he hurried into his bedroom.

Kurt felt awful for not trying harder to stop Mercedes. Wade was already being bullied at his school. Revealing Unique would not help that situation whatsoever. And Kurt hadn’t done anything to help. He wanted to hurt himself. He contemplated calling Blaine, but with the way things had been lately he quickly pushed away the thought. Kurt felt almost as lonely as he did before he transferred to Dalton. He plugged his iPod into the iHome and selected the song he wanted.

Loneliness

Is a place that I know well.

It's the distance between us,

And the space inside ourselves.

And emptiness . . .

Is the chattering in your head.

It's the call of the living,

And the race from life to death.

Whoa and I know,

Yeah and I know,

What you feel . . .

Loneliness was an emotion that Kurt was well acquainted with. The bullies always succeeded in making him feel isolated, distanced from the rest of his peers. Kurt hated being alone. To Kurt, loneliness was the worst emotion anyone could ever experience. The solitude ate away at your heart until you felt it would never truly be whole again.

Kurt felt like he had lost himself. It was almost like when Blaine had distanced himself, he had taken a part of Kurt with him. His life was so confusing now. Why didn’t he stand his ground when Mercedes said she was sending Wade the high heels? Ordinarily, Kurt wouldn’t have hesitated to do so. But without Blaine’s closeness, Kurt just wasn’t himself. His life wasn’t the same. He missed Blaine so much it hurt. Without Blaine, his world was black and white. Blaine had always been his light, the brightest colors in his world. Now Kurt had lost himself and didn’t know where he was.

Whoa and I've got a longin'

That's hard to find,

Won't give me no peace of mind,

Something that I've lived with all along.

Days and weeks and months and years,

Filling in the time my dear.

Tryin' to find the place where I belong.

Kurt had always known that he was different from other kids his age. Most little boys were interested in Little League and Tonka trucks, but not Kurt. He would rather play dress-up with his mother and spend hours on end watching musicals. His entire life, Kurt had been looking for a place where he could be accepted for all he was. Two years ago, Kurt had found that place. But now it was all ending.

Hopelessness

Is the darkness in your heart.

It's the sound of one hand clapping,

While it's pulling you apart.

Whoa and I know,

Yeah and I know,

What you feel . . .

Everything felt hopeless. Blaine was pulling away from him. All of his friends were focusing on their futures. No one had time for activities outside of school anymore. And this was just the beginning. After graduation, they would all go their own way. Kurt only hoped that Blaine would be going the same way as him.

I know what you feel, baby now.

And

I've got a longin'

That's hard to find.

Won't give me no peace of mind,

Something that I've lived with all along.

Days and weeks and months and years,

Filling in the time my dear.

Tryin' to find the place where I belong.

Two months ago, things had seemed perfect. Blaine had returned from Columbus and was finally back in Kurt’s arms. For once, Kurt didn’t have the cloud of depression hanging over him. But now things had changed. The darkness had descended once more, blocking out the sun. And Kurt didn’t know how to get it back.

Kurt didn’t let anyone see his pain. He kept it to himself. He knew no one could save him from himself. No one was there to watch him fall, or to lift him back to his feet again. So Kurt would have to do it on his own, if he could. . . .

And

I got a hunger that's

Hard to fill.

Driving me on overkill,

Tellin' me that everything's gone wrong.

Got me a need

That I can't break,

More than I can hardly take.

Somehow I still keep on going strong.

Kurt fought back his tears as his thoughts turned to Blaine. Blaine should be there to catch Kurt before he hit the ground, but he wasn’t. Blaine should be the light to guide Kurt back to himself, but he wasn’t. All Kurt wanted was to feel Blaine’s arms wrapped around him, to hear Blaine tell him everything would be all right. But Blaine was pulling away from him. Once again, Kurt found himself believing he wasn’t perfect enough.

Kurt felt a tear roll down his cheek as he sang. He missed Blaine. He was lost without him. But Kurt wouldn’t let himself relapse. He wouldn’t let himself cave to his urges. That would solve nothing. Instead, Kurt would stay strong and prove everyone wrong.

When I call your name,

I'm gonna scream out loud.

I'll say,

"Here I am standing in the crowd."

You'll say, "Come to me

With your open mind.

You never know

What you still might find."

But you keep me here

Like a cancelled flight,

An empty train,

Running through the night.

An orphan child,

A broken shoe.

And I'm still down here,

Lookin' out for you.

Are you there for me?

'Cause I'm here for you.

Are you there for me?

Here for you? There for me?

Here for you? There for me?

Here for you? Here for you?

Here for you?

Kurt wiped away his tears as the song ended. He turned off his iPod. Kurt changed into his pajamas and climbed into the bed, ignoring the fact that it was only five o’clock in the afternoon. Kurt hugged his pillow to his chest, wishing Blaine was there to hold him. Pushing the thought from his mind, Kurt fell into an uneasy sleep.

K/B

“I feel horrible,” Kurt said as he pushed open the door to the backstage area at Carmel High. “You never should have sent Wade those high heels.”

“We still have time to stop him,” Mercedes assured him. “You don’t think he’d actually perform like that, do you?”

Kurt bit his lip. When Mercedes had caught him after school, telling him she felt awful about Wade, Kurt had persuaded her to accompany him to Carmel High. Kurt was determined to stop Wade before it was too late.

“I don’t know, Mercedes. Finn dressed up like Lady Gaga and I never thought that would happen,” he reminded her.

Mercedes laughed.

“Oh thank god,” Kurt said as he caught sight of Wade preparing for the performance. They approached him slowly. “Hey, Wade! We just came by to tell you to break a leg!”

“And to make sure you’re still dressed as a guy,” Mercedes added bluntly.

“Not for long,” Wade announced.

“Look, Wade. I know we sent you those shoes for good luck, but you can’t go through with this. I admit I’ve worn some flamboyant designer outfits but I’ve never dressed up as a woman,” Kurt said persuasively.

“That’s because you don’t identify yourself as a woman,” Wade said solemnly. “I thought you of all people would understand. I’m performing as Unique.”

K/B

“And then they got a standing ovation!” Kurt finished telling Blaine about Unique’s performance.

“That’s great, Kurt,” Blaine said apathetically.

Kurt bit his lip. He was tired of Blaine acting this way. He missed him. Deciding to take a chance, Kurt asked, “Do you want to come over?”

“I can’t. I have too much homework,” Blaine answered.

Kurt felt the sting of rejection. “Oh, okay. I guess I’ll talk to you later then. I love you.”

“You too,” Blaine replied before ending the call.

Kurt buried his face in his pillow, allowing his tears to fall freely. He just knew he was losing Blaine. And he didn’t know what to do about it. Kurt rolled onto his back, drawing in a shuddering breath before he began to sing.

All I want now is to be with you.

‘Cause you know I've been everywhere else.

Looking back at what you got me through,

You knew me better than I knew myself.

Kurt just wanted things to go back to the way they were. When Blaine told him every day how special he was, how much he loved him. All Kurt wanted was Blaine. Blaine had helped him through so much in the past, and Kurt still needed him so badly. He would always need him.

When I feel lost and I can't find my way.

When words are at a loss, I can hear you say.

“I'll be by your side, when all hope has died.

I will still be around oh and I, I'm still on your side.

When everything's wrong, I will still be around.

By your side.”

Blaine had promised he would never leave him. He had promised to always love Kurt, no matter what. Blaine had promised he would help Kurt through his recovery until the end. Every time Kurt had lost hope, Blaine was there to renew it. But now, Kurt’s hope had died again, and Blaine was nowhere to be found. Kurt was lost without his light.

Fighting my way back to where you are,

The only place I ever felt at home.

Stumbling backwards through the dark,

I know how it feels to be alone.

And where we go is where I wanna be,

And in the silence I hear you say to me.

Kurt was tired of feeling alone. He knew he could talk to his friends, but he also knew they would only urge him to speak with Blaine. Kurt had already tried that, and it hadn’t made any difference. Kurt was still trying to find his way through the darkness on his own.

“I'll be by your side, when all hope has died.

I will still be around, oh and I, I'm still on your side.

When everything's wrong, I will still be around.”

I can't wait another day to show my space between,

Your heart and mine, and you're all that I need.

You say “I,

Blaine had broken his promises. Kurt didn’t know why he was acting this way, but it cut into him deeper than any razor ever could. Sure, Blaine still sat with him at school. They still talked, but only about meaningless things.

I'll be by your side, when all hope has died.

I will still be around, oh and I, I'm still on your side.

When everything's wrong, I will still be around.

By your side.

By your side.

By your side.

By your side.

By your side.”

Kurt dried his tears, pushing himself off of his bed. Things had to get better. They just had to.

K/B

Kurt was pleasantly surprised when Blaine asked him to perform “More Than a Woman” with the other glee couples after school. He readily agreed. Blaine even held his hand as he led them to the choir room. Finn and Rachel (having made up days ago), Mike and Tina, and Santana and Brittany were waiting on them.

Finn started them off. Kurt danced with Blaine, reveling in his close proximity after spending a week so far apart. Blaine was smiling at him in a way that melted Kurt’s heart. They danced together, taking turns leading. When it came for Kurt’s turn to lead, he dipped Blaine, causing him to laugh. When the song ended, all of the couples were laughing. Kurt looked deep into Blaine’s hazel eyes and couldn’t help himself.

“Kiss me.”

As Blaine’s lips met his, Kurt felt that maybe, just maybe, things would be all right in the end.