Chapter Twenty-Nine:  On My Way

The entire glee club was in an uproar. As soon as Kurt and Rachel had the run in with Sebastian at the Lima Bean they sent out a massive text message to the entire group, even going so far as to include Will. An emergency meeting of the New Directions was called and the members converged on campus even though school didn’t start for another hour.

Kurt shouldn’t have been surprised that Sebastian would stoop so low as to blackmail them into dropping out of regionals. Personally, Kurt would have found it much more satisfying to beat them fair and square. It seemed Sebastian did not share the same feelings. Though the picture of Finn was obviously photoshopped, the club was determined that Sebastian would not get away with this.

“That’s it. I’m done,” Finn announced furiously as he got to his feet. “I’m going to beat Sebastian’s ass!”

“Finn, chill!” Will demanded, turning around to face him.

“No, I’m not going to chill. I’m done chilling,” Finn said with rage.

“The Official Showchoir Rule Book states that ‘any perceived threat of violence, vandalism, or humiliation will be met with an unquestioned disqualification of the threatening party’s team with extreme prejudice,’” Artie said as Sam wheeled him over to the group of boys.

“Guys, I’ve told the headmaster at Dalton,” Will said as if that settled everything.

“Like you did when Sebastian almost blinded me?” Blaine asked in disbelief. “What did they do then? The same thing they’re going to do now. Absolutely nothing!”

“None of this matters anyway,” Rachel said from her seat. “We’re not going to let him win like this. He’s not going to win at all. I’m going to perform at regionals.”

“Even if he’s going to post a photo of me like this if you do?” Finn asked, holding up the picture in question.

“Finn, I’m not going to negotiate with him,” Rachel said as she leaned forwards in her seat.

“Look, guys, the more successful you get the more garbage people are going to make up about you. People will love to tear you down,” Will said after everyone but Finn had resumed their seats.

“I can’t believe you’d do that to me,” Finn said to Rachel, a hurt expression clouding his face.

“I don’t care about stuff like that,” Rachel said, abandoning her seat and walking towards Finn. “I love you and we’ll get through this together. The important thing now is that we win.”

“So you wouldn’t care if the same thing was happening to you?” Finn asked.

“Our future depends on us winning regionals,” Rachel said in a near whisper. “This will help me with my NYADA application.”

“I hope you get in,” Finn said before he walked out of the room.

Blaine shook his head before following him. Will dismissed the rest of the club and Kurt took off after Blaine. He found him in the auditorium, pacing around the stage. His hands were clasped in front of him and it was obvious he was still angry.

“You okay?” Kurt asked dismally. “You seemed upset. And if Sebastian thinks-”

“Forget about Sebastian!” Blaine exclaimed, holding his hands up in the air. “I’m not mad at you. I just don’t want to waste any more time on him. I want to focus on winning. We all should. I’ve got a new song I’ve been working on. The theme for regionals is inspiration and I think this fits the bill. Do you want to hear it?”

“Of course,” Kurt said with a smile.

Kurt walked to the edge of the stage and sat down on a stool. Blaine pulled out a microphone stand from one of the wings and put it in the middle of the stage. He looked at Kurt as he began to sing.

Life's too short to even care at all, whoa.

I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing contro-o-ol.

These fishes in the sea they're staring at me whoa, whoa.

A wet world aches for a beat of a drum.

Whoa, whoa.

Kurt knew why Blaine had chosen this song. It was certainly inspirational. It reminded Kurt that he wasn’t alone on his road to recovery. Often times Kurt felt like he was crazy. Surely only a crazy person would willingly cut into their own flesh, no matter if it gave him a reprieve from his pain. And of course everyone said he wasn’t crazy, that he was just sick, but that didn’t make Kurt feel any better.

If I could find a way to see this straight,

I'd run away.

To some fortune that I, I should have found by now.

I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down.

If there was some magical way for Kurt to get better, without doing it the hard way, he would run in that direction as fast as possible. Kurt felt he should have been farther in his recovery. The antidepressants helped but not always. He longed for a magic pill to take that would fix everything, that would fix him.

Life's too short to even care at all, whoa.

I'm coming up now, coming up now out of the blue, whoa.

These zombies in the park, they're looking for my heart.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

A dark world aches for a splash of the sun whoa, whoa.

When the darkness had clouded his mind, he longed for something, someone, to pull him out into the light. Blaine had been that person. Kurt had gone months believing the blade was his savior. Now, thanks to Blaine, he knew it for what it was:  a dangerous, addictive object. The blade had taken over his heart, mind, and soul. Now he was fighting to take them back.

If I could find a way to see this straight,

I'd run away.

To some fortune that I, I should have found by now.

And so I run now to the things they said could restore me,

Restore life the way it should be.

I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down.

Restoration was Kurt’s wish. He longed to go back to the person he was before he started cutting. But Kurt knew, no matter what, he would never be that person. No matter how hard he tried, that person was dead and gone. Kurt listened to Dr. Madsen and took her advice into consideration, more often than not following it, but even that would not restore him to his old self. Nothing ever would.

One more spoon of cough syrup now, whoa.

One more spoon of cough syrup now, whoa.

Blaine looked up as the song ended and the lights, which had been dimmed, shone bright again. He looked to Kurt to see his reaction and was shocked when he saw his boyfriend crying. Blaine was by his side in a heartbeat. He knelt in front of Kurt, taking his hands and kissing them.

“What’s wrong?” Blaine asked, not understanding why Kurt would be crying.

“I’m sorry. It’s just the lyrics reminded me of everything I’ve been through . . . how desperately I was looking for a solution to the pain when I started cutting. . . . It reminded me of badly I fucked everything up,” Kurt said the last sentence with venom.

Blaine was shocked at Kurt’s tone. He put a finger under Kurt’s chin, turning it slightly so he was looking straight into Kurt’s eyes. Blaine’s eyes shone with compassion as he spoke, “You haven’t screwed up, baby. It’s been two weeks since you last cut and you’ve gone two months before. That’s a big accomplishment. It wasn’t easy for you, love. You’re strong, Kurt, so strong. I know you can beat this, and you will, Kurt, you will.”

“I know it’s been two weeks, but I still have urges,” Kurt said bitterly.

“Urges are just a fork in the road, baby. You can turn left and give in or you can go right and prove that you don’t need to do that to yourself anymore. You haven’t given in, baby. That’s what matters,” Blaine stressed.

“You’re right,” Kurt said. “I’m sorry. I’m an emotional basket case.”

“No, you’re not. You’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. But you’ve gotten through it and you’re all the stronger for it. You’re the bravest person I know,” Blaine said with a smile.

“You must not know very many brave people then,” Kurt said with a sly grin.

“Shut up,” Blaine said with a laugh. He wrapped a hand behind Kurt’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss.

Blaine knew Kurt continued to struggle with his cutting. But he also knew Kurt would get through it. One way or another, he would beat this thing.

K/B

Kurt was surprised when Will called him out of his English class the next day, telling Kurt to gather his belongings. Kurt put his notes and textbook back into his messenger bag before slipping it over his shoulder and following Will out to the hall. Kurt immediately noticed the stunned sadness in his teacher’s eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Kurt asked. “Is it my dad?”

“No, Kurt. Your dad is fine. It’s David Karofsky,” Will said.

“What about David?” Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion. Why would Will be coming to tell him anything about the jock? As far as Will knew, Kurt hadn’t spoken to him since Karofsky had transferred to his new school.

“Kurt . . . David tried to kill himself last night,” Will said gently.

“What?” Kurt asked with wide eyes.

“His dad found him before. . . . He’s in the hospital now. He’s going to be all right. I just thought you should know,” Will said. He laid a hand on Kurt’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Kurt lied. The bell rang signaling the end of the school day. “I should go.”

“You know you can come to me if you need to talk,” Will reminded him.

“I know. Thanks, Mr. Schue. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kurt said before turning around and disappearing around the corner. He looked behind him to make sure Will wasn’t following him before he slipped into the nearest bathroom.

This was Kurt’s fault. Karofsky had called him nine times since their last conversation and Kurt hadn’t answered, not once. If he had, if he had just taken one of those phone calls, he could have prevented this. Kurt disappeared into the nearest stall, dropping to his knees. He found his razor in his messenger bag. Looking at it for the first time in two weeks, Kurt bit his lip. He pulled up his shirt and rested the blade against the skin of his stomach.

“I’m sorry, Blaine,” he whispered before pushing the blade in.

Kurt sighed in relief as his pain washed away from him. He drug the blade upward, letting out a deep breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. Kurt knew what was happening in his brain. His amygdala, which stored memories related to emotional events, was remembering how he had reacted to emotional trauma in the past and determined how he should react to it. Because Kurt had turning to cutting so often in the past, his brain told him to do it now. When Kurt cut himself, his brain released endorphins which served as natural pain relievers and freed him of his emotional anguish. That feeling was the source of his addiction.

Slipping the razor back into his messenger bag, Kurt pulled out the necessary first aid equipment. He dressed his wounds before hiding everything away and exiting the stall. Looking in the mirror, Kurt frowned as he took in his red-rimmed eyes. It was no use pretending he was all right. Everyone would know in an instant he had been crying. As if on cue, the new kid, Joe, walked into the bathroom.

“Hey, Kurt, right?” he asked, walking towards him. “I’m Joe.”

“I know,” Kurt said not unkindly.

“Are you okay?” Joe asked.

“I’m fine. It’s just the whole Karofsky thing,” Kurt replied vaguely.

“I understand. Look, we’re praying for him in the God Squad meeting. You should come,” Joe offered.

“Thanks. I need to go by my locker first but then I’ll be there,” Kurt answered.

“Great,” Joe said with a smile.

Kurt dropped by his locker, putting up the books he didn’t need. He closed the door and leaned his head back against the wall. I can do this, he thought to himself. Sure, he didn’t believe in God, but he had to do something about Karofsky. He just didn’t know what. Resigning himself, Kurt walked into the room as Quinn was talking.

“I’ve been put through the ringer and I never contemplated that,” Quinn said softly.

“Quinn, please,” Kurt said, stepping further into the room. “Yes, you had a baby at sixteen and you had a bad dye job for two weeks. But the world never stopped loving you. I mean, you’re going to Yale. You have no idea what Karofsky was struggling with.”

“You’re really trying to compare-”

Kurt cut her off, “The despair, the self-loathing.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Quinn said with a shake of her head. “I just can’t imagine things getting so bad that you would consider taking your own life.”

“That is so harsh and reductive,” Kurt said as he walked closer. “Why can’t you have some compassion? Do you know what they’re still writing on his Facebook? ‘Better luck next time’ and ‘Try, try again.’”

“Why are you even here, Kurt?” Quinn asked without looking at him. “You don’t believe in God.”

Kurt looked away. He should have known he wouldn’t be accepted here. Not when he had made his beliefs very clear in the past.

“I invited him to come and he said yes,” Joe said quietly.

“Joe said you were praying for Karofsky and after everything that we’ve been through I didn’t have anywhere else to go,” Kurt said with defeat.

Everyone looked at him with sympathy. No one spoke. No one knew what to say. The fact was there was nothing they could say to make things right, to make things better.

“I feel responsible,” Kurt admitted. “He asked me out and I said no. He kept calling me . . . if I had just answered one of those stupid calls.”

Kurt wiped his tears away with his sleeve. Mercedes got up and hugged him. When she pulled back she kept an arm around his waist.

“We’re taking an Edible Arrangement to the hospital. Do you want to come with us?” she asked.

Kurt nodded. He kissed her cheek in thanks before leaving the room. He headed for his car, knowing Blaine was probably waiting for him. The other boys of the glee club had agreed to meet to discuss what could be done about Sebastian and Blaine had joined them to try to persuade them to forget about Sebastian and focus instead on winning regionals. Sure enough, Blaine was leaning against his Navigator when Kurt walked out into the parking lot.

“I’ve been looking for you,” Blaine said, pushing himself off of the car. As Kurt neared him he could tell he had been crying. Blaine opened his arms to him. “Come here.”

Kurt ran into his arms, sobbing against his chest as Blaine’s arms wrapped around him tightly. Kurt allowed himself to completely let go of his emotions. Blaine pressed a kiss to his hair, sliding his hand into Kurt’s jeans pocket, with some difficulty they were skinny jeans after all, and retrieved his keys. He helped Kurt into the car before climbing behind the wheel and driving them to Kurt’s house. Burt and Carole were still at work and Finn was at Rachel’s. Normally they would take full advantage of the house being empty but now that was the last thing on either of their minds.

Blaine held Kurt’s hand as they ascended the stairs. They entered Kurt’s room and dropped their messenger bags on the floor beside the door. Kurt climbed onto the bed, sniffling. Blaine was glad to see he was no longer crying. Blaine sat down beside him, placing a hand on his knee. Sighing, Blaine asked the question he had been dreading the answer to.

“Did you hurt yourself?”

Kurt bit his lip and began to cry again as he nodded, whimpering, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not mad, baby. I just wish you had come to me,” Blaine said as he wiped the tears from Kurt’s eyes. “I’m worried about you. I don’t want this to break you. I don’t want you to relapse. I want to take your pain away and I can’t. But I can’t let you fall apart either.”

When Kurt continued to cry, Blaine closed his eyes against his own tears. When he was satisfied that he wouldn’t break down, he went to Kurt’s iPod and switched it for his own. He scrolled through the list of songs before he found the one he was looking for and pressed play.

Hollow, like you don't remember me.

Underneath everything I guess I always dreamed,

That I would be the one to take you away from all this wasted pain.

But I can't save you from yourself.

Blaine wanted nothing more than to take Kurt away from his pain. He wanted to be the one to fix him. But Blaine couldn’t save Kurt from himself, as much as he yearned for it. But he could help him save himself. Blaine could be there whenever Kurt needed him, and whenever he didn’t need him. That was one thing Dr. Madsen was always stressing. Nobody could make Kurt recover but himself. His friends and family could only be there to assist along the way.

Don't you want to feel?

Don't you want to live your life?

How much longer are you gonna give into the fear?

Holding you down until you're frozen.

I can't let you fall apart.

You don't even know what you've done to me.

But I would be the one to take you away from all this wasted pain.

If you could just wake up.

Some days it seemed like Kurt was in a trance, his mind frozen from the pain. The fact was that Kurt wasn’t living his life to the fullest. He couldn’t as long as he was hurting himself. Blaine hated seeing the self-inflicted wounds on his boyfriend’s body. He couldn’t stand to watch Kurt fall apart but he felt helpless to stop it.

Don't you want to feel?

Don't you want to live your life?

How much longer are you gonna give into the fear?

Holding you down until you're

Kurt was fearful of the pain. He always wished it wouldn’t return. But it always did. The pain gripped him and wouldn’t let him go. It suffocated him until Kurt felt he was out of options. It held him down and he was helpless to escape without the help of the blade.

All alone,

All alone and drowning in your past.

Take it back,

Take it back, I still believe you can.

Again, Kurt wished he could take back his mistakes. He wished he had never cut. Every day, Kurt remembered his past. He felt he was drowning in the memories with no one else to help him; he was all alone. But every day Blaine reminded him that he would get through this. Blaine knew he could. And while Kurt would always remember his past, Blaine remained confident that Kurt would learn from it. After everything they had been through, Blaine still believed Kurt was capable of doing so.

Don't you want to feel?

Don't you want to live your life?

How much longer are you gonna give into the fear?

I can't go on pretending so give me something real.

No one in your way but you.

How much longer are you gonna give into the fear?

Holding you down till you disappear.

For so long, Blaine had kept his fears silent. But the entire time it was eating away at him. But he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t bothering him anymore. He had to be honest with Kurt. Blaine felt the only thing in the way of Kurt’s recovery was himself. He didn’t mean it was Kurt’s fault, he didn’t blame Kurt, but in the end Kurt controlled his actions. Blaine was afraid he would let the cutting take over him completely and the boy that he loved would disappear, becoming someone else.

Kurt flung himself into Blaine’s arms, holding on to him tightly. He hissed in pain as his stomach brushed against Blaine’s but didn’t pull away. Instead he spoke softly in Blaine’s ear, “You’re right. I’m sorry. I can’t let my cutting control me but I can control it.”

Blaine kissed him gently when Kurt pulled away. He grasped the hem of Kurt’s shirt. As he pulled it upwards he said, “Let me see.”

Kurt raised his arms and allowed Blaine to remove his shirt. Sighing unhappily, Blaine dropped to his knees in front of Kurt. He gently pulled the bandage off of Kurt’s wound, tossing it into the trash can. Blaine pressed a light kiss over the wound before moving his lips upward to the scar above it. Scars marred Kurt’s ribcage and Blaine kissed each one. When he was finished with Kurt’s stomach, Blaine turned his attention to Kurt’s arms. He kissed every scar on both of his arms. Afterwards, he rested his head on Kurt’s stomach, careful to avoid his wound. Kurt ran a hand through his gelled hair, knowing Blaine was upset.

Suddenly, Blaine’s phone chimed. Standing up, Blaine pulled it from his pocket. He frowned at the message.

“What is it?” Kurt asked.

“Sebastian wants to meet with us,” Blaine said with a frown. He handed Kurt his shirt.

Slipping it over his head, Kurt said, “Send it to Santana. She’ll want to be there for this.”

K/B

Kurt was surprised to see Brittany step out of Santana’s car when they got the Lima Bean. He hadn’t expected her to come but then again, she was always with Santana.

“Do you know what he wants?” Santana asked as they walked towards the door.

“Not a clue,” Kurt answered.

“Well then, let’s go find out,” Santana said as she pushed the door open.

Santana caught sight of Sebastian first and stalked towards him. Brittany, Blaine, and Kurt followed. Santana took the seat across from him and leaned intimidatingly across the table.

“All of this vicious underhanded crap has got to stop,” Santana said venomously.

"I agree,” Sebastian said, surprising them all. “That’s why I called you here. First, Blaine, I am sorry about your eye.”

“That means nothing to me,” Blaine said coldly.

Kurt reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly. There was no doubt in his mind that Blaine was done appeasing Sebastian. Kurt wished it had stopped long ago, maybe then things would have been different, but he was glad it happened in the long run.

“Just give me a chance. I have no excuses for what I did, other than a lame prank got out of hand. Second, the pictures of Finn have all been destroyed. I want the Warblers to win, fair and square. And we’re going to take donations for Lady Gaga’s Born This Way foundation. Win, lose, or draw, we’re going to dedicate our performance to Dave Karofsky. I thought you might want to join us,” Sebastian said.

Kurt slid his eyes to Blaine, saying, “Wait for the punch. You know its coming.”

“No,” Sebastian said, shaking his head. “Not this time. I’ve treated everything like a big joke for far too long. I insulted Karofsky multiple times. I never thought about his feelings. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.”

“You’re a despicable human being!” Kurt exclaimed, losing his cool. “You only care about yourself and your feelings!”

“Kurt,” Blaine said but Kurt ignored him.

“You’re a selfish bastard! You don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else. All you ever do is tear people down for your own amusement,” Kurt yelled.

Blaine took Kurt by the arm and pulled him out of the Lima Bean as Kurt continued to yell profanities at Sebastian. Santana and Brittany followed, both shocked by Kurt’s outburst. They had never seen Kurt this angry.

“I’m going to take Kurt home,” Blaine said, turning to Santana and Brittany. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

Brittany and Santana said their goodbyes. The four split into their respective couples and went their own ways.

K/B

Two days later, Will told the glee club they were meeting in the auditorium. Everyone filed in, forming a circle. Blaine was the last to enter and frowned when he saw Rory and Mike sitting on either side of Kurt. He sat beside Will, waiting for him to begin. Blaine had expected Will had something special up his sleeve, but frowned when he simply announced Rory had never tried peanut butter and offered him a jar with a spoon.

“Mr. Schue, while that’s all very moving, it’s been an emotional week for some of us,” Kurt said. He laced his fingers together, resting his chin on them.

“Yeah, Mr. Schue. What’s the point of this?” Finn asked, leaning back on his arms.

“The point is Rory just had a brand new experience. You guys are young. I want you to promise me that no matter how depressed you get, no matter how hopeless or alone you feel, you will try your best to imagine all of the amazing experiences you have ahead of you,” Will said compassionately.

“Mr. Schue,” Mercedes began, “I know we can be a little dramatic but I don’t think any of us would ever consider taking their own life.”

“I did,” Will admitted. “During my junior year, I got caught cheating on my math midterm. The principal called my dad to come pick me up. How was I supposed to look him in the eye? I knew he was going to be so disappointed in me. I walked up to the roof and looked over the edge. One step and all of the pain and humiliation would be over.”

“Is that true?” Kurt asked, tearing up.

“That day, it felt like it was the end of the world. But you know what? It wasn’t. Everyone has something that might take them up to that edge,” Will paused. “And look at all the things I would have missed out on. I never would have met you guys. I would have missed out on everything.”

Kurt began to cry, burying his face in his hands. Blaine walked across the circle and pulled him into his arms. No one spoke for a long time. When Kurt had finally stopped crying, he lifted his head to see the entire club looking at him with sympathy.

“Are you okay, Kurt?” Will asked worriedly.

“No,” Kurt answered softly. He swallowed past the lump in his throat. He could do this. He knew he could trust these people who had become his family. Kurt took a deep breath before he began.

“Everyone knows about my cutting. It started as a way to rid myself of the pain, the depression, the anxiety. But before I started cutting, before I transferred to Dalton, I was miserable. Day in and day out, I was tormented not just by bullies but in my own head. I thought nothing would ever get better. . . . I wanted to die.”

The club gasped as a whole. They had known Kurt was having a hard time, but not bad enough to end his life. Blaine tightened his arms around Kurt. Even he hadn’t known about this.

“I even had it planned out, how it would happen . . . how I would die. But then everything changed.”

“What changed?” Blaine asked gently.

Kurt turned his face towards him, smiling slightly as he said, “I met you. You gave me hope that things would get better. And they have gotten better. Maybe not one hundred percent, but I haven’t given up. I’m still fighting. And I’ll keep fighting until I have this thing beat. I don’t want to die anymore. I want to live.”

Blaine smiled weakly at him, pressing a kiss to his hand. He looked back up at Kurt, speaking quietly, “Promise me that if you ever have the slightest thought like that again, you’ll tell me. I couldn’t bear it if I lost you.”

“I promise,” Kurt said. He got to his feet, pulling Blaine up with him. “Life’s too short. Blaine and I have been working on something inspirational. I hope you’ll join us.”

The rest of the club stood as the band began to play behind them. Kurt began to sing with Blaine harmonizing his voice to Kurt’s.

My best friend gave me the best advice.

He said “Each day's a gift and not a given right.

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind.

And try to take the path less traveled by.

That first step you take is the longest stride.”

(What if? What if?)

After everything he had been through, Kurt knew not a single day should be taken for granted. You had to abandon your fears and jump in. The hardest part was taking that first step, but once you did you begin to see the light on the other side. Kurt knew that from experience. The New Directions joined in as they sang the chorus.

If today was your last day,

And tomorrow was too late,

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

(What if? What if?)

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you have?

(What if? What if?)

If today was your last day.

Kurt didn’t want to have any regrets if he died tomorrow. He wanted to live each day like it was his last day on Earth, because he didn’t know when that day would come. He wanted to be able to say he had made a difference in somebody’s life. He wanted to live his life to the fullest. No second thoughts. No regrets. Blaine picked up the melody and Kurt sang harmony.

(What if? What if?)

 (If today was your last day.)

Against the grain should be a way of life.

What's worth the prize is always worth the fight.

Every second counts 'cause there's no second try.

So live it like you'll never live it twice.

Don't take the free ride in your own life.

(What if? What if?)

Blaine didn’t want to conform to society’s norm. He wanted to shine and show the unique person that he was. He didn’t want his fears to control him. If he saw something worthy, he would fight for it. Every second of life counts as that could be the one second when you make a difference. Blaine didn’t want to take the easy way out. He wanted to live each day like he was dying.

If today was your last day,

And tomorrow was too late,

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

(What if? What if?)

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you have?

(What if? What if?)

And would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories?

Would you forgive your enemies?

(What if? What if?)

Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above,

That you finally fall in love?

(Finally fall in love.)

If today was your last day.

Blaine wanted to remember the past, learn from it, and then leave it. It did no good to dwell on the past because it couldn’t be changed. That didn’t mean all memories had to be forgotten. He would keep the fond memories of his friends and family forever. But he didn’t want to live his life by his mistakes. He wanted to forgive and learn from his enemies. And above all, he wanted to love with his whole heart, which he did each and every day with Kurt. With this thought, Blaine took back over the harmony while Kurt sang the melody.

If today was your last day,

Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?

You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars,

Regardless of who you are.

So do whatever it takes,

'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life.

Let nothin' stand in your way,

‘Cause the hands of time are never on your side.

Kurt knew too well that broken hearts could be mended. His own heart was still on the mend, but with Blaine’s help it was becoming whole again. He had been hurt before but he wouldn’t let that keep him from achieving his dreams. Kurt would seize each moment and cherish it, because there was no rewind button on life. Nothing would stand in the way of his dream because time was too short.

If today was your last day,

And tomorrow was too late,

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you have?

(What if? What if?)

Would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories?

Would you forgive your enemies?

(What if? What if?)

Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?

Swear up and down to God above,

That you finally fall in love?

(What if? What if?)

If today was your last day.

Everyone joined in a massive group hug before they all slowly departed. Kurt and Blaine lagged behind. Blaine walked over to stand in front of him.

“What’re you thinking about?” Blaine asked.

“You won’t like it,” Kurt said.

“Tell me,” Blaine insisted.

“I just wonder if I would have had the courage to end my life. Karofsky did. I still feel like it’s my fault,” Kurt said sadly.

“It isn’t your fault, baby,” Blaine said soothingly. “You could have told Karofsky things would get better but he wouldn’t have believed you. And as for having the courage to take your own life, I never want to hear you speak like that again. If things ever get that bad, you come to me.”

“I will,” Kurt promised. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Forever.”

“Always.”

K/B

Blaine had to stay after school to make up a test he had missed last week while he was in Columbus, so they had taken separate cars to school that day. Kurt drove himself home, his mind tormented with memories. He may not be suicidal any longer, but he remembered all too well how it felt to not want to live. The pain seized his heart until Kurt couldn’t stand it any longer.

Kurt went into his bathroom, pulling off his shirt and dropping it on the floor. He grabbed his razor from its hiding spot and lowered it to his arm. He sliced into his skin, but it wasn’t enough. He did it again, and again, and again, but it still wasn’t enough. So he continued to drag the blade across his flesh until he didn’t feel anymore.

K/B

It didn’t take Blaine long to finish his test. Thirty minutes later, he was pulling into Kurt’s driveway. He let himself in, hurrying up the stairs to Kurt’s room. He knocked on the door. The door swung open. He didn’t see Kurt anywhere but a light shone from under his bathroom door. A sick feeling settled in Blaine’s gut as he strode to the bathroom and opened the door. He gasped at the sight that greeted him.

Kurt was slumped on the floor of the bathroom, shirtless, with cuts up and down his entire left forearm. There were at least thirty of them and Blaine could tell several of them needed stitches. Blaine’s eyes ran from Kurt’s left arm to his right hand where the razor was still clasped tightly between his fingers. Blaine took it away from Kurt with little effort. Kurt was lost too far in his own mind to struggle with him.

Blaine grabbed a towel and pressed it to Kurt’s arm, raising it above his head. He turned his head towards the open door and yelled, “Burt, I need help!”

Burt raced up the stairs, eyes widening in horror when he saw his son. Blaine was still holding the towel to Kurt’s arm but blood was soaking through it, staining Blaine’s hand.

“We need to get him to the hospital. He needs stitches,” Blaine said.

Burt nodded numbly, shouting at Carole to start the car. Blaine lifted Kurt into his arms easily and carried him down the stairs. Burt opened the car door for him and they hurried to the hospital.

Kurt came back to himself as Blaine carried him into the Emergency Room. He immediately asked for forgiveness and Blaine assured him everything would be all right. Kurt was taken back to a room without waiting. Like last time, the doctor asked him the routine questions before numbing his arm and stitching the wounds that required it.

A few hours later, they were climbing back into the car. In the end, Kurt had thirty-four lacerations, eight of which needed stitches. Blaine was extremely worried. Kurt had never binged that badly before. Once they got home, Kurt asked if Blaine could stay the night and Burt gave his approval.

Blaine helped him up the stairs. Kurt’s arm still hurt if he moved it so Blaine helped him undress. With a little embarrassment, Kurt asked if he could help him shower. Blaine nodded sweetly and kissed him on the lips, telling him not to be embarrassed. If Kurt needed help he shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it.

After a completely innocent shower, Blaine helped Kurt into a pair of pajamas before getting dressed himself. They slipped into bed, both exhausted from the long day and the even longer night. Kurt curled into Blaine, listening to his heart as it beat steadily. To Kurt, it sounded like it beat just for him.

K/B

The next day, Kurt and Blaine slept later than the rest of the house. By the time they awoke, Burt and Carole had both gone to work and Finn was at school. Burt had left them a note on the refrigerator door, telling them to call if they needed anything and they were both excused from school for the day.

Blaine cooked them a breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast. They ate in silence, comfortable in each other’s company. When they finished, Kurt put their dishes in the dishwasher. Blaine had disappeared into the living room and Kurt followed him.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Kurt said as he sat down next to his boyfriend.

“I know, baby. You can stop apologizing,” Blaine said, turning to face him. He placed one hand over Kurt’s.

“I want you to know I’m not giving up. Last night it may have seemed like it but I’m not, I swear. It might take a while but I’m going to beat this thing. I’m not going to let it win.” Kurt stood up, pulling Blaine to his feet. “Come on, I want to show you something.”

Kurt led Blaine to the piano, sitting down on the bench. A picture of his mother hung behind the instrument and Kurt smiled at it. Whenever he played, he always felt like she was there beside him. Tearing his eyes away from the picture, Kurt raised his hands over the keys.

Another day has almost come and gone.

Can’t imagine what else could go wrong.

Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door.

A single battle lost but not the war ‘cause

Kurt had scared himself the night before. He had never had a cutting binge that serious, except for when he passed out and Blaine found him. But even then he hadn’t cut in such a high quantity. He knew relapses were a part of recovery but with each one he felt like he took two steps forward and one step back. Kurt felt like he was at war with himself; last night he had lost one battle but he had yet to lose the entire war. And he was determined that it would not happen.

Tomorrow’s another day,

And I’m thirsty anyway.

So bring on the rain.

It’s almost like the hard times circle ‘round.

A couple drops and they all start coming down.

Whenever things started looking up, they turned bad again. Kurt had started to hold his breath whenever something good happened, waiting with bated breath for the bad because he knew it was coming. Blaine began to sing softly, harmonizing his voice with Kurt’s.

Yeah, I might feel defeated.

And I might hang my head.

Whenever Kurt gave into temptation and hurt himself, he felt like he had been conquered by his disease. He was shameful when he told Blaine what he had done. But he drew his strength back up and continued the fight. Blaine dropped out as Kurt sang the next line.

I might be barely breathing – but I’m not dead, no ‘cause

Blaine was proud of Kurt. He knew he was fighting with himself each and every day. He knew it was exhausting for Kurt, but he didn’t give up. He kept going on, no matter what. Blaine smiled at Kurt as he began to sing again.

Tomorrow’s another day.

And I’m thirsty anyway.

So bring on the rain.

No, I’m not gonna let it get me down.

I’m not gonna cry.

And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight ‘cause,

Kurt was tired of the depression. He was tired of crying. He was tired of the fight. But even as exhausted as he was, he kept going. Kurt drew in a deep breath as he sang the next lines alone.

Tomorrow’s another day.

And I am not afraid.

So bring on the rain.

Blaine knew everything they had gone through had strengthened their relationship. They were completely honest with each other, no matter what. They had been through a lot and Blaine knew whatever else life threw at them they would get through that too. With this thought, he raised up his voice to harmonize with Kurt’s.

Tomorrow’s another day.

And I’m thirsty anyway.

So bring on the rain.

Bring on, bring on, the rain.

No, I’m not gonna let it get me down.

I’m not gonna cry.

So bring on the rain.

Bring on, bring on, the rain.

Bring on the rain.

Bring on the rain.

Bring on the rain.

When Kurt was done, Blaine pulled him onto his feet and into his arms. No words were spoken; none were needed. Blaine claimed Kurt’s lips in a sweet kiss, pouring all of his love into it. Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck, pulling him closer. He deepened the kiss, greedily licking his way into Blaine’s mouth. Blaine pulled back, groaning against Kurt’s lips, “Upstairs, now.”

Somehow they made their way up the stairs as they continued to kiss. Once in Kurt’s room they undressed one another. Kurt knew Blaine was looking at his wounded arm and closed his eyes.

“Hey, don’t. Don’t do that,” Blaine said, cupping Kurt’s cheek with one hand. “You don’t have to hide from me, love. Not ever.”

Kurt drew in a deep breath, opening his eyes to see Blaine’s hazel ones shining back at him. Blaine brought his other hand up to cradle Kurt’s face and pulled him in for another kiss. They fell back against the bed, quickly losing themselves to the passion. In that moment, Blaine wasn’t a former Warbler and Kurt wasn’t a cutter. They were simply Kurt and Blaine.

K/B

Regionals passed by in a blur. It seemed like Kurt blinked and suddenly they were being handed a trophy. He was surprised when Blaine walked across the stage and shook Sebastian’s hand, but didn’t protest. He was tired of fighting. Blaine was his and he knew nothing would ever change that, especially not Sebastian Smythe.

Kurt and Blaine headed towards the choir room to change out of their regional outfits when they passed Quinn sporting her old Cheerios uniform. The choir room was empty as most everyone was still in the auditorium celebrating.

Blaine spun Kurt around until he had his back against the wall, Blaine pressing him up against it. He crushed his lips to Kurt’s in a passionate kiss. Kurt moaned as Blaine licked his way into his mouth. Their tongues tangled together in a fight for dominance. Kurt rolled his hips into Blaine’s, causing them both to groan, and reminding Blaine of where they were. He pulled himself away from Kurt, still keeping him caged against the wall.

“Whatever’s gotten into you, I like it,” Kurt said breathlessly.

Blaine laughed before his face turned serious. He said, “I’ve been worried about you all week. Especially since you confessed that you’d thought of suicide before and after last night. . . . Both scared the shit out of me. I’m just glad that you’re alive and I want to celebrate that every moment of every day. Life’s too short.”

“I know what you’re going to say but I’m still sorry about yesterday. I don’t know what happened. I did it once and it didn’t stop hurting so I kept doing it until the pain went away. I was lost in my own mind,” Kurt said sadly. “I hate myself for putting you through that.”

“Don’t hate yourself. All we can do is remember what happened and learn from it,” Blaine said.

“I have learned from it, don’t worry,” Kurt said.

Mercedes appeared in the room and Blaine pushed off from the wall. She smiled knowingly at the two before asking Kurt, “Are you ready to go to the hospital?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

K/B

Blaine accompanied Kurt to the hospital but didn’t enter the room. Kurt asked for a moment alone with Karofsky and everyone agreed. Blaine squeezed his hand before letting him go, watching him disappear into the hospital room.

Kurt pushed the door open slowly. He poked his head around the door and asked, “Can I come in?”

Karofsky nodded. He was shocked that Kurt had come, but was glad to see him.

“They just took me off seventy-two hour watch,” Karofsky told him. “I’m going home tomorrow.”

“That’s great,” Kurt said as he stood awkwardly at the foot of the bed. “I’m really happy that you’re alive, David.”

“Me too,” Karofsky said.

Kurt smiled with tears in his eyes. He looked around the room, finding a chair in the corner and pulling it up to the side of the bed.

“I should have answered your phone calls,” Kurt said finally.

“Why would you after the way I’ve treated you?” Karofsky asked.

“It’s okay,” Kurt told him.

“No, it’s not okay,” Karofsky insisted. “Even you said it; I made your life a living hell for months. Now the same thing’s happened to me. I couldn’t even take it for a week. My best friend said he never wanted to talk to me again. My mom said I had a disease and maybe I could be cured. I didn’t know what to do. I can’t go back to that school.”

Kurt wiped away a tear before he spoke, “Then go to another school. I won’t lie. It’s not going to be easy. And there will be days when life just sucks. But you’re going to get through this because I’m going to help you and so is everyone else who loves you and accepts you for who you are. And if they can’t accept that then screw ‘em, right?”

Karofsky nodded tearfully.

“This week Mr. Schue had us think of something we’re looking forward to. Do you want to know mine?” When Karofsky nodded again, Kurt rolled up his sleeves. Karofsky gasped in horror, but Kurt spoke before he could say anything. “Over a year ago, I started hurting myself.”

“Because of me?” Karofsky interrupted.

Kurt looked down at his arms, seeing the scars, the fresh wounds and the ones that had been stitched up the previous night. He knew he couldn’t tell Karofsky the truth. He wouldn’t be able to take it in his fragile frame of mind. So he lied, “No. I started because I was in a bad place. Every day is a struggle, but I’m recovering. I’m looking forward to the day when I can say I’ve recovered, that I no longer need to do this to myself. I’m getting better, David. And you will too. It gets better, I promise. So just think of something you’re looking forward to, and work towards that. Remember it when you’re having a hard time.”

“You said last week you wanted to be friends. I’d like that,” Karofsky said with a slight smile.

“I would too,” Kurt said before squeezing Karofsky’s hand. He gave him one last smile before he strode out of the room.

Blaine stood when Kurt appeared, immediately wrapping his arms around him. Kurt rested his head on Blaine’s shoulders and cried. Mercedes rubbed his back comfortingly before she disappeared into the room with Quinn, Joe, and Sam.

“I’m going to call Rachel,” Kurt said suddenly. “See if it’s too late to be in her wedding. Life’s too short and I’m not going to throw our friendship away over this.”

Blaine smiled, kissing his cheek. By the time Kurt was done talking to Rachel, Mercedes, Quinn, Joe and Sam had reappeared. He turned to them with a smile.

“It’s time to go get ready for Rachel’s wedding,” Kurt said.

“Crap, I forgot my dress at home,” Quinn said with a frown. “You guys go on and I’ll meet you there.”

“All right,” Kurt said with a nod. He took Blaine’s hand and headed out of the hospital.

K/B

Kurt and Blaine sat with the other bridesmaids while they waited for Quinn. Finn had warned Rachel that they would lose their spot but Rachel insisted she would wait for Quinn. Thirty minutes passed. Suddenly, Santana’s phone rang.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Santana, its Quinn’s mother. She was in a terrible car accident.”