Chapter Twenty-Four:  Extraordinary Merry Christmas

Kurt listened in amusement at Finn’s rambling over Christmas presents. Kurt never had any trouble finding the perfect present for anyone that was until this year. He knew exactly what he wanted to get Blaine but he didn’t know if it was too soon to present his boyfriend of nine months with a promise ring. So instead he had settled on some cologne and designer sweaters. Kurt waited until everyone had left the locker room before he tracked down Rachel. There was no way he was going to let his best friend end up with socks as a Christmas present. He was surprised when he saw her alone at her locker. Normally Finn wasn’t far behind her so he knew he only had a few minutes to speak with her.

“We need to talk,” Kurt said as he approached her.

"About what?” Rachel asked as she pulled a book out of her locker and slipped it into her book bag.

“Finn is taking advice on Christmas gifts from the glee guys,” Kurt told her seriously.

“Oh no,” Rachel said with a frown. “How bad is it?”

“Socks,” Kurt replied.

“Don’t worry. I’ll solve this,” Rachel said as she stalked off down the hall towards her next class.

Kurt watched her go, sighing unhappily. He was glad he had helped Rachel avert a Christmas gift crisis. He just hoped his gifts for Blaine would not turn out to be one.

K/B

Sue Sylvester was not the type of person to perform a selfless act. That was the main reason why Kurt was surprised that Sue wanted to speak to him, Blaine, and Artie in her office later that day. Kurt and Blaine sat down across from Sue while Artie wheeled himself to Kurt’s other side.

“Wheels, Porcelain, Other Gay,” Sue began. “It is the holiday season and everyone knows that Christmas is a time for forgiveness. I’ve decided to forgive you for having no talent and ruining the American song book with your mash-ups.”

Kurt rolled his eyes to the ceiling. He couldn’t believe she had called them to her office for that.

“Christmas is also a time for giving back,” Sue continued, “Which is why this Friday I am volunteering at the local homeless shelter. I was hoping you and your fellow Glee clubbers would pitch in with the gift of song.”

“Did you just call song a gift?” Kurt asked.

“This is my first Christmas without my sister,” Sue said sadly as she walked to the window. “I’m just trying to keep myself busy.”

Kurt frowned. He knew all too well exactly how Sue felt. The holidays continued to be a hard time for Kurt, even though it had been nine years since his mother’s passing. He looked at Blaine, the couple having a silent conversation with their eyes. Kurt turned back to Sue.

“We’d be happy to help.”

The boys gathered their things and left, bidding Artie farewell as they walked towards the student parking lot. Blaine didn’t ask Kurt if he was okay, trying to let him express his feelings in his own time. But he knew Kurt well enough to know that if he was trying to run from something he would push it as far down as he could. The car ride to Kurt’s house was silent. They grabbed their messenger bags from the backseat before heading in out of the cold. Kurt froze the second he walked into the living room. A magnificent Christmas tree was on display, complete with garland, lights, ornaments, and an angel tree topper.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked, walking up behind him.

"That’s my mom’s angel. She made it herself,” Kurt said tearfully. He didn’t wait to hear Blaine’s reply, instead continuing on up to his room as if nothing had happened.

“Kurt,” Blaine said when he entered the room. Kurt was lying on his bed facing the wall, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Blaine lay down beside him, pulling him into his arms. Kurt rolled over, burying his face in Blaine’s chest as he finally let his wall down.

“I miss her so much. I can’t help but think everything would be easier if she were still here. My life wouldn’t be what it is now. I wouldn’t always be trying to run and hide,” Kurt spoke through his tears.

“You can’t torment yourself with what ifs, Kurt. They don’t help you in any way. I know it’s hard, and I know your instinct is to push these thoughts away or to hurt yourself but you won’t get better if you don’t feel. You can’t keep running forever, Kurt.”

Several minutes passed by until Blaine realized Kurt was once again snapping a rubber band against his wrist. Blaine pulled the offending object off of Kurt’s wrist, slipping it into his pocket against Kurt’s protests.

“Dr. Madsen told me to do that!” Kurt said angrily.

“Yes but I don’t think she meant for you to do it so much that it left bruises and welts,” Blaine said as he extended Kurt’s wrist so he could see the damage that had been done. He pressed soft kisses to his enflamed wrist. “I know it helps and it’s better than cutting yourself . . . but please try something else. You’re still hurting yourself by doing this and it kills me.”

“What do you want me to do?” Kurt asked helplessly.

“You can always try singing about it,” Blaine answered softly.

Kurt nodded, wracking his brain for a song that fit his current state of emotions. He slipped away from Blaine to queue up a song on his iPod playlist. As the song began to play he climbed back into bed. Blaine had moved to sit with his back against the headboard so Kurt sat between his legs, leaning his back against Blaine’s front.

It’s easier to run,

Replacing this pain with something numb.

It’s so much easier to go;

Than face all this pain here all alone.

When Kurt’s mother died, he tried to act indifferent in public. Obviously he was devastated but that didn’t mean the entire world had to see his weakness. That was when Kurt first erected his wall, only letting it down when his father was around or he was alone in his room. He knew his father was grieving too and would only worry more if Kurt appeared nonattached from the entire situation. What Kurt didn’t know then was that was only the beginning.

Something has been taken from deep inside of me.

A secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see.

Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away.

Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played.

When Elizabeth Hummel succumbed to cancer, Kurt was only eight. He had never experienced any type of loss in his life before. His mother’s death taught him how to cope with his emotions but the problem was Kurt never did cope with them. By only allowing himself to express his emotions in private, he effectively ran from the situation. And he had been running ever since. To this day, not many people knew of the gaping hole left behind by his mother. Biting his lip to keep from crying, Kurt listened as Blaine began to rap.

If I could change I would take back the pain I would.

Retrace every wrong move that I made I would.

If I could stand up and take the blame I would.

If I could take all the shame to the grave I would.

If I could change I would take back the pain I would.

Retrace every wrong move that I made I would.

If I could stand up and take the blame I would.

I would take all my shame to the grave.

Blaine wished he could travel back to the first time Kurt cut and stop him. Maybe then things would be better. But at the same time he knew wishing would do no good. He couldn’t change what had happened but he could accept it and help Kurt find a new healthy way to cope with his emotions. Blaine knew Kurt was ashamed about his cutting and that was why he rarely spoke about it to anyone that wasn’t Blaine or his therapist, but he wished he would open up more to other people. He was tired of his boyfriend running from his problems. Blaine hooked his chin over Kurt’s shoulder as Kurt’s voice rose to join his.

It’s easier to run,

Replacing this pain with something numb.

It’s so much easier to go.

Than face all this pain here all alone.

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past,

Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have.

Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back.

And never moving forward so there’d never be a past.

Kurt’s past had haunted him for a long time, and he worried that it would continue to do so for the rest of his life. He wished he could only look forward and not back but at the same time he knew if he didn’t look back he would never learn from his mistakes. And some days Kurt felt like he couldn’t afford to make any more mistakes.

If I could change I would take back the pain I would.

Retrace every wrong move that I made I would.

If I could stand up and take the blame I would.

If I could take all the shame to the grave I would.

If I could change I would take back the pain I would.

Retrace every wrong move that I made I would.

If I could stand up and take the blame I would.

I would take all my shame to the grave.

Blaine continued to worry that things would get worse again. It had been two weeks since Kurt had hurt himself and Blaine was proud of him. Kurt made Blaine proud each day that passed without Kurt giving into his urges to self-harm. But a part of him wondered if he would make it this time or if he would relapse again. Of course, Blaine never mentioned these fears to Kurt. He tried not to let his boyfriend know just how much he worried about him.

Just washing it aside,

All of the helplessness inside.

Pretending I don’t feel misplaced.

It’s so much simpler than change.

Blaine knew he had to get Kurt to stop pretending, if only for a little while each day. Pretending that nothing was wrong when Kurt was an emotional mess did nothing to help him. But Blaine had no idea how to get Kurt to listen to him.

It’s easier to run.

Replacing this pain with something numb.

It’s so much easier to go.

Than face all this pain here all alone.

It’s easier to run.

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would.)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made.)

It’s easier to go.

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would.)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would.)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would.)

(I would take all my shame to the grave.)

“How are you feeling?” Blaine asked, continuing to hold Kurt close.

“Tired,” Kurt answered, letting his eyes drift closed. Blaine moved so they were lying down with Kurt’s head resting on his chest.

“Get some sleep, love,” Blaine told him. He placed a kiss to Kurt’s forehead, watching over him for a while as he slept. Several hours passed before Blaine knew he had to return home. Slipping out from under his boyfriend, he placed a gentle kiss to his lips before he headed home.

K/B

The next two days were eventful with Will announcing the New Directions would be filming their own Christmas special for the local news station. Artie, who had consented to be director, had wasted no time to start planning. The next day, the entire club met to discuss their ideas.

“We begin in the Swiss alps at the home of Blaine Anderson and Kurt Hummel,” Artie said as he rolled over to the boys in question.

Blaine smiled and elbowed Kurt playfully, who pasted on his fake smile. Kurt did his best to act excited but Blaine could tell something was bothering him. After the meeting ended, Blaine followed Kurt to his Navigator.

“Okay, what’s wrong?” he asked when Kurt didn’t say a word to him.

“It’s the Christmas program,” Kurt said as he placed his messenger bag in the backseat of his car.

“What about it? I thought you’d be excited,” Blaine said as he climbed into the passenger seat.

“I am excited I guess,” Kurt said indifferently.

“No, you’re not. Now please tell me what’s wrong,” Blaine pleaded.

Kurt didn’t answer immediately. He waited until they had driven to Kurt’s house and disappeared into the safety of his bedroom. Once there, he finally turned to Blaine, letting his carefully crafted wall down.

“I just wish we could be ourselves for the program. I don’t want to pretend to be just friends. I love you more than anything and I want everyone to know. What’s so wrong with that?” Kurt asked sadly.

Blaine’s face softened. He kissed Kurt long and lovingly, pulling back to murmur against his lips, “Absolutely nothing is wrong with that.”

Kurt sighed, moving to sit on his bed. Blaine frowned, following him.

“It’s not always going to be this way, Kurt. One day we won’t just be pretending to host Christmas for our accepting friends and family at our own house. Next year, everything will be different. We’ll be in New York where we’ll be free to be ourselves. We can share our love with the entire city without fear of hate and prejudice,” Blaine said.

Kurt smiled softly, leaning in to kiss Blaine. “I can’t wait.”

“We’ll have our time, I promise,” Blaine said with a smile. And before he could stop himself, he was singing.

Un giorno sai, per noi verrá

La libertá di amarci qui senza limiti

E fiorirá il sogno a noi negato

Si svelerá l’amor celato ormai

Un giorno sai, per vivere

La vita che ci sfugge qui.

Kurt laughed as Blaine pulled him up off the bed and into his arms. Blaine placed lowered his hands to Kurt’s hips, smiling widely as Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck. As they slowly spun around, Kurt stepped closer to Blaine so there was barely any space in between them.

L’amore in noi supererá

Gli ostacoli e le maree delle avversitá

E ci sará anche per noi nel mondo

Un tempo in cui l’amore vincerá

Per te per me

Blaine looked deep into Kurt’s eyes as he sang. He knew Kurt hadn’t the faintest idea of what the words meant but he hoped his eyes would convey the message as they moved together on their makeshift dance floor.

L’amore in noi supererá

Gli ostacoli e le maree delle avversitá

E ci sará anche per noi nel mondo

Un tempo in cui l’amore vincerá

Un tempo in cui l’amore vincerá.

“That was beautiful,” Kurt said as the song ended. They stopped dancing but Blaine still held Kurt close. “But I didn’t understand one word of it.”

Blaine chuckled.

“It meant we will have our time together, someday soon. Nothing can take our love away from us.” He pulled Kurt’s body flush against his own and kissed him deeply. Neither boy could wait until they were in New York and free to be themselves.

K/B

The instant Sue Sylvester appeared in the choir room, Kurt knew nothing good was going to come of it. And sure enough, the night they were to sing for the homeless was the same night they were set to film their Christmas Spectacular. He watched Sue stride out of the choir room, wishing he could do something to fix the situation. Kurt was so deep in thought he didn’t notice that the rest of the glee club had left. Only he and Blaine remained.

“This isn’t your fault,” Blaine told him quietly. He knew the instant Sue had spoken that Kurt would blame himself for the situation.

“I can’t believe I forgot about Sue. I feel horrible,” Kurt said as he grabbed his messenger bag and started towards the door.

“You weren’t the only person who forgot. Artie and I did too,” Blaine reminded him.

“I know, but it’s different for me. I know what Sue’s going through. The first Christmas after my mom died was the worst. Dad undercooked the turkey and forgot the cranberry sauce. He tried so hard to make up for Mom not being there but in the end nothing could keep us from feeling her absence,” Kurt said sadly.

“I know it’s hard for you and I’m sure it’s hard for Sue as well, but that doesn’t mean any part of this is your fault. Don’t get yourself worked up over it,” Blaine said.

“I’m just trying to get through the holidays, Blaine,” Kurt said as he walked away. Blaine, not knowing what to say, followed after him helplessly.

K/B

The Christmas Spectacular turned out beautifully, and the New Directions even had time to help out at the homeless shelter. Kurt was happy they had been able to keep their promise to Sue, though he still felt slightly guilty about forgetting in the first place. But he did his best to push those thoughts behind him and enjoy his last day of school before the Christmas break. He closed his locker, shouldered his messenger bag and headed towards the parking lot. He was glad the day was over.

“Hey, wait up!” Blaine called out.

Kurt turned around, smiling at the sight of his boyfriend. “I thought you had left already.”

“Not quite,” Blaine said as he stopped a foot away from Kurt. “There’s one last thing I had to do first.”

“What’s that?” Kurt asked curiously.

“We’ve both spent a lot of time this past year thinking about what we don’t have. . . . I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to focus on what we do have . . . which is each other.” Kurt’s eyes widened as Blaine reached into his pocket and pulled out a jewelry box. “I know it isn’t Christmas yet but I couldn’t wait a second longer to give this to you.”

Blaine laid the small box in the palm of his hand, outstretched towards Kurt. He slowly pulled the lid off to reveal his present. Nestled inside the box was a ring, but not just any ring. It was a ring made entirely from gum wrappers. Kurt gasped in surprise.

“It’s a promise ring. This isn’t what you deserve but it’s the best I can give you right now until my trust fund kicks in,” Blaine said as he gently pulled the ring out of the box and slid it onto Kurt’s left ring finger.

“It’s perfect,” Kurt assured him. He laughed. “You know I wanted to get you a promise ring too but I didn’t want to scare you so I talked myself out of it.”

“You wouldn’t have scared me,” Blaine told him earnestly.

“Obviously,” Kurt said with a smile.

Blaine lifted Kurt’s left hand to his lips and pressed a kiss where the handmade ring rested on his finger. “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. We’re too young to be engaged but I want everyone to know that my heart belongs to you.”

“And vice versa,” Kurt added.

“And vice versa,” Blaine repeated with a grin before he brought their lips together in a loving kiss.

K/B

Kurt was sitting on the couch in the living room when Burt returned home from a long day at work. The TV was on but Kurt hadn’t a clue what was playing. He was too busy looking at his promise ring to even notice when his father walked into the room. Burt look one look at his son’s hand and froze.

“What is that?” Burt asked.

Kurt jumped, shocked to find he was no longer home alone. “Dad, I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I just got home. What’s that on your finger? Is that a ring?” Burt asked.

“It is,” Kurt confirmed. “Blaine made it himself out of gum wrappers.”

“Blaine made you an engagement ring out of gum wrappers,” Burt repeated incredulously.

“What?! No!” Kurt corrected his father quickly. “It’s a promise ring!”

“What’s the promise?” Burt questioned as he sank down into his recliner.

“I know we’re young, Dad, but Blaine’s it for me. We’re too young to be engaged but we love each other and we want to be together forever,” Kurt told his father gently.

“Forever’s a long time, kiddo,” Burt told him.

“Not long enough when you’re in love,” Kurt countered.

“Shouldn’t Blaine have talked to me before giving you a ring?” Burt asked.

“Dad, you like Blaine,” Kurt reminded him.

“I liked him before he gave you a promise ring,” Burt said.

“What’s wrong with giving me a promise ring? It’s not like we’re going to elope tomorrow. It’s not an engagement,” Kurt said as he got to his feet.

Burt sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just . . . you’re growing up and you’ll be leaving for college soon. I’m not ready to lose you yet.”

“You’re not losing me, Dad. No matter what I will always be your son.” Kurt walked over to hug his dad. “I love you.”

“I love you too, son. And if anyone had to take you away from me you could do a lot worse than Blaine,” Burt said as way of giving his consent.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“You’re welcome, kid. I’m glad you’re happy.”

“I am, Dad.”

And for once, Kurt was really truly happy. There was no cloud of depression hanging over him at the moment. He was happier than he had been in years. And that was something worth celebrating.