Chapter Nineteen:  Pot O' Gold

Kurt agreed with Tina. It felt weird in the choir room without Mercedes. With everything that was going on, he was waiting for the next catastrophe to happen.

"Sorry I'm late, I was putting up posters for my-" Rachel paused when she saw Kurt in the room, "for my campaign."

He couldn't help himself. He was still hurt that she was running against him and the best way he knew to combat hurt was with sarcasm. "Did you airbrush out your jowls?"

"No," Rachel said as she shot him a look.

"Look, this has got to stop," Finn said, standing in front of the room. "Okay so we lost one of our best singers and they canceled the musical."

"They canceled the musical? They can't cancel my musical!" Rachel exclaimed with disbelief.

Kurt longed to slap the girl. She just couldn't help but make everything about herself. He was grateful when Finn drew the attention away from Rachel and back to himself.

"We can't start fighting each other," Finn said.

"I agree," Blaine commented. "I only have my experience with the Warblers to speak of, but show choir is not about one person. It's about the entire team. When we lost a Warbler we just replaced him with another one."

"Which is easy when your waiting list has a waiting list," Finn remarked coldly. "I know the Warblers are a big deal at Dalton, but here we're at the bottom of the food chain. So, have a seat. I'm trying to give a pep talk."

Kurt started to get to his feet but Blaine stopped him.

"I thought you just said we shouldn't turn on one another?" Blaine asked calmly.

Kurt was amazed when instead of arguing, Finn sat back down next to Rachel.

"They can't take away my musical!" Rachel repeated.

"They might not have to. Not if we can raise enough money to cover the funding," Will announced. "We can sell ads in the programs."

"I think it's a brilliant idea," Kurt announced when none of the other glee members showed enthusiasm. "I volunteer myself to spearhead the charge. It gives me a great opportunity to bust out my Banana Republic Mad Man collection."

Blaine smiled fondly at him, squeezing his hand. Will gave them their orders to sell as many ads as they could before the club departed.

"Wait a second." Blaine held Kurt back.

Kurt turned to look at him expectantly.

"What's wrong with Finn?" Blaine asked casually.

"I don't know but he's really getting on my nerves. I have enough to worry about without him adding to it with whatever rift he has with you." Kurt sighed unhappily.

"Hey, look, don't worry. I'm sorry I brought it up. Don't let Finn stress you out anymore than you already are," Blaine told him.

"I'm trying not to but it's hard when he's fighting with you and taking Rachel's side on everything," Kurt said.

"I hate seeing you like this. I hate that you're so upset all the time. I hate knowing that someone caused you to feel this way and I can't do anything about it. You should never have to feel this way. You should feel love, constantly." Blaine lowered his eyes.

"Hey, I'm not upset all the time." Kurt lifted Blaine's chin with one hand. "I'm happy and loved when I'm with you."

"I just worry about you. I don't want you to lose hope and relapse," Blaine said with sad eyes.

"You know I can't promise that I won't relapse. Not yet. I still have so far to go in my recovery and I don't know how long it will take," Kurt said honestly.

"I know. I'm sorry." Blaine blinked past his tears, willing them not to fall. Unfortunately, Kurt knew all of his tricks.

"Hey, don't cry. Do you want to sing about it?" Kurt asked, knowing that always helped his boyfriend.

Blaine nodded, walking over the piano. He sat down and began to play.

Well she won't leave this night alone.

And she won't sleep at all.

And all the sorrow that she takes out on herself,

It comes around and leaves her bleeding on the floor.

And she knows,

Yeah she knows

Recognizing the song, Kurt began to sing. He harmonized his voice with Blaine's as he walked slowly towards the piano. He knew that Blaine was worried about him and he wished he wouldn't. But he knew he couldn't make Blaine stop worrying about him anymore than he could stop loving Blaine.

That there's a lot of ugly things about this world.

These street lights,

They shine bright,

And they illuminate the darkness of the pavement.

They shine,

As we try to write it on her arms,

The love she longs to taste.

And we'll find that inside,

That she's a broken heart that anyone can save.

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright.

Sliding next to Blaine on the piano bench, Kurt let his voice trail off. He watched Blaine's fingers float over the keys. Moments like this were almost perfect. It was just him and Blaine, singing to each other. But the cloud of his self-harm was there, like always. Kurt wished he could make it disappear but he knew he couldn't. The bullying had left him a broken shell of himself and now Blaine was left trying to piece the puzzle back together.

Feeling worthless, self-destruction,

Try to take control of this.

Find a purpose, reconstruction,

Write it somewhere it will stick.

And stars are hiding now,

But there's something out there still.

And she knows,

Yeah she knows

Pushing away the memories, Kurt began to sing again. He knew he shouldn't push away the painful thoughts. By doing so, he never dealt with them. But the memories were still too painful to endure and Kurt preferred to not deal with them at all. He had spent so many years feeling unloved that he had started to cut himself. Now that he knew he was loved, the memories stuck with him.

That there's an awful lot of beauty in this world.

These street lights,

They shine bright,

And they illuminate the darkness of the pavement.

They shine,

As we try to write it on her arms,

The love she longs to taste.

And we'll find that inside,

That she's a broken heart that anyone can save.

It's alright, it's alright.

Blaine turned to look at Kurt, willing him to see all the love that he felt for him. Kurt's voice got stuck in his throat as he saw the passion in Blaine's eyes. He bit his lip, willing himself not to cry as he listened to Blaine sing.

It's alright, it's alright.

And the stars are always there,

But we miss them in the dirt and in the clouds.

We miss them in the storms.

Kurt knew Blaine was afraid that he would give up all hope of recovery. He wished he could reassure Blaine that he wouldn't but it was still too early in the game for that. But he could promise to always remember what it felt like to have hope. And maybe that would help keep it alive.

Remember hope.

Remember hope.

Hold onto hope.

We have hope.

Hold onto hope.

(It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.)

We have hope.

(It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.)

Kurt pulled Blaine's hand away from the piano keys as the song ended. He placed their joined hands on his lap, rubbing his thumb over the back of Blaine's hand.

"I can't promise that I won't relapse. But I can promise that you will never lose me," Kurt said softly. "I love you. You're my everything."

"I love you too," Blaine said tearfully as he lifted his eyes to meet Kurt's. "More than anything."

Kurt smiled, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on Blaine's lips. Their lives weren't perfect, they were far from it. But with Blaine's help Kurt was beginning to accept that they didn't have to be perfect. They just had to be theirs.

K/B

"Hey, Dad," Kurt called when he caught sight of his father at the garage. He hurried over to him, holding out a program for his father to see. "I wanted to show you the program for McKinley's production of West Side Story."

"That sounds great, kiddo. Is there some reason you're showing it to me now?" Burt asked as he rolled a tire over to a nearby SVU.

"I was hoping you'd buy some ad space to help save the show," Kurt admitted.

"Save the show?" Burt asked turning around. "Why do you have to save it?"

"We lost the funding. If we sell enough ad space we can cover the costs. I already spoke to the Lima Mortuary Society about buying a couple. The problem is we need a few hundred," Kurt said with a frown.

"You're really worried about this, aren't you?" Burt asked.

Knowing it was pointless to lie, Kurt nodded.

"Don't worry, Kurt. I'll take care of it," Burt said reassuringly, laying a hand on his son's shoulder.

"How?" Kurt asked.

"Let me worry about that."

Kurt watched his dad disappear into the office. He couldn't help but wonder what his dad had up his sleeve. If anyone could save the show, it would be Burt.

K/B

Singing "Last Friday Night" with New Directions had been fun and a welcome relief from the stressful week they were enduring. But Kurt noticed the look on Finn's face when Blaine had announced he had prepared something, though, and he was less than impressed.

Blaine didn't broach the subject, not wanting to stir the pot when Santana had already stalked out of the room angrily. So Kurt waited until they were walking towards his Navigator to bring it up.

"I noticed Finn is still acting weird around you," Kurt commented.

"Don't, Kurt. I'm not worrying about it," Blaine said, opening the passenger door and sliding into the seat.

"I'm not worrying about it, per se," Kurt said as he climbed into the driver's seat. "I just wish I knew what his problem was."

"I admit I do too. But I don't want to cause anymore drama within the club. There's enough of that going around already," Blaine said.

"Maybe I should just talk to Finn," Kurt ignored him.

"No, don't! That would just make everything worse. Just leave it alone for now and if it gets worse I'll talk to him myself," Blaine told him.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Kurt pulled into Blaine's driveway, leaning across the armrest to kiss him. When they broke apart, Blaine was smiling.

"I love you so much. That's all that matters."

"I love you too." Kurt leaned in to kiss him again.

"Forever?" Blaine asked as they parted.

"Always."

Blaine opened the door and grabbed his bag, watching Kurt leave before he turned towards his house. He hoped there wouldn't have to be any confrontation between himself and Finn. He wasn't sure that Kurt could take the conflict so close to home.

When Kurt got home, Burt was waiting for him. He dropped his bag in his room before returning to the living room.

"Why are you home so early?" Kurt asked in surprise.

"I wanted to talk to you. Sit down," Burt said, motioning towards the couch.

"Is everything okay?" Kurt asked instantly.

"Everything's fine. I just wanted to tell you that I've decided to run against Sue for Congress," Burt told him.

"What? Why?" Kurt furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"Because she's trying to destroy the arts in public schools and I'm not about to let that happen. That glee club saved your life, Kurt. Who knows how many kids like you there are out there? I can't let her get away with this," Burt said seriously.

"And your solution is to run against her?" Kurt asked skeptically.

"Look, we don't even know if I'll win so promise me you won't worry about this," Burt said.

"Oh, you will win. With me as your campaign manager, how could you not?" Kurt said with a smile.

"So you're okay with this?" Burt asked.

"I'm more than okay with it, Dad. Someone needs to stop Sue, and you're just the man to do it." Kurt hugged his father before hurrying up the stairs to his bedroom.

He hated lying to his father but he couldn't tell him the truth. This was a horrible idea. His father was under enough stress already and this would just add to it. A horrible thought struck him. What if he had another heart attack? Anxiety washed over him as Kurt struggled for each breath. He hurried into his bathroom, retrieving his razorblade from its hiding place.

Kurt couldn't lose his father. He had already lost his mother. What would he do if something happened to him? Kurt pulled his shirt over his head, placing the sharp edge of the blade against his stomach. He pushed in slowly, dragging the metal across his skin. He repeated the action until his anxiety lessened. Kurt let the blade drop into the sink, reaching for his phone. He dialed Blaine's number.

"I need you," he said when he answered.

"Did you already. . . ." Blaine let his voice trail off, unable to voice his fears.

"I'm sorry," was Kurt's only answer.

"I'll be right there."

Kurt was sitting on the floor of his bathroom when Blaine walked into the room. He was holding a piece of gauze to his stomach with one hand. Blaine sat down next to him.

"Blaine," Kurt breathed, scrambling onto his lap. A fresh wave of tears hit him; he hated himself for giving in.

"You're okay," Blaine told him. "I'm here."

Kurt continued to cry softly. When his tears finally ceased, Blaine maneuvered him so he could pull the gauze away from his wound. He drew in a sharp breath when he saw four parallel cuts on Kurt's stomach.

"Let's get you cleaned up," Blaine said as he stood up, helping Kurt to his feet. He washed the dried blood away with hydrogen peroxide before covering the cuts with gauze and medical tape. When he was done, Blaine pulled Kurt into his bedroom. Kurt lay down on the bed, reaching for Blaine. Blaine lay down beside him, smiling softly when Kurt rested his head on his chest. He ran a hand through his hair as he began to sing.

Fading everything to black and blue,

You look a lot like you

Shatter in the blink of an eye.

You keep sailing right on through.

Every time you say you're learning

You just look a lot like me,

Pale under the blistering sky.

White and red.

Black and blue.

Kurt listened to Blaine's steady heartbeat while he sang. He let the music wash over him. He knew he shouldn't have cut, but he was so worried about his dad that he hadn't known what else to do. The anxiety had been overwhelming. So he had given in.

You've been waiting a long time.

You've been waiting a long time

To fall down on your knees.

Cut your hands.

Cut yourself until you bleed.

Fall asleep next to me.

Wait for everyone to go away.

And in a dimly lit

Room where you've got nothing to hide.

Say your goodbyes.

Tell yourself we'll read

A note that says,

"I'm sorry everyone.

I'm tired of feeling nothing, goodbye."

Wash your face.

Dry your eyes.

Blaine could feel Kurt slowly relaxing against him. His voice helped soothe Kurt into sleep. He wished he could be here every night to sing to him and keep the nightmares at bay. Even though that wasn't possible, he could be there whenever Kurt needed him. And he always would be.

'Cause you've been waiting a long time.

You've been waiting a long long time

To fall down on your knees.

Cut your hands.

Cut yourself until you bleed.

But fall asleep next to me.

Have a dream I'm falling down

On my face.

Scrape my knees.

Scrape my hands until they bleed.

'Cause you're fast asleep next to me.

Next to me.

Next to me.

Next to me.

Blaine watched Kurt sleep for a few hours. He wasn't tired but was more than happy to lay with Kurt while he slept peacefully. It seemed like it was harder and harder for Kurt to find peace anywhere these days, whether in consciousness or his subconscious. He wanted to help him, he just wasn't sure how.

K/B

Sitting at dinner with his family, Kurt knew he couldn't keep pretending like nothing was bothering him. He had to tell his dad how he really felt about him joining the political campaign. He listened to Finn question his dad about the campaign. They were sitting here talking about the possibility of moving to Washington D.C. while Kurt went off to college in New York and Finn either worked at the garage or got a football scholarship. They acted like nothing was wrong, but everything was.

"You're pretty quiet over there," Burt addressed his son.

"I want you to do this, Dad. But what about the stress? You almost died. You were in the hospital. Sue is going to make your life hell," Kurt said honestly.

"I know she will," Burt said with a smile. He liked the idea of challenging Sue more than he should have.

"She's going to have a field day with the whole having-a-gay-son thing," Kurt continued.

"I'm proud of you, Kurt," Burt interrupted him. "And I don't care who knows it. Yes, I almost died but it made me realize what really matters. And this is what matters. When things are the dumps like this you've got to stand up and fight, right? You understand. You taught me that."

Before Kurt could reply, Sue disrupted them with a huge hamburger. He hated her for what she was doing, but he agreed that special education classes were needed at McKinley. He just didn't want the arts to be cut because of it. His dad was right, glee club had saved his life. They had to do everything they could to save it, or other kids like him would never get the help they so desperately needed.

Kurt hated to think what would have happened if he had never joined the glee club. He knew he would definitely not be the same person he was today. And while he did not always like himself, he was slowly accepting himself. There were things he could change and things he couldn't. All he could do was know the difference and accept it.