Chapter Eighteen:  Asian F

"So far it's just me and Brittany running and there are only two days left for people to submit their names for the candidacy. And no one even takes Brittany seriously," Kurt said to Rachel as they walked down the halls handing out buttons with his face on them.

Kurt had to admit he had been worried when Brittany had first decided to run for senior class president, but now he wasn't even the slightest bit apprehensive about the campaign.

"That's great, Kurt," Rachel said.

"According to Jacob Ben Israel I'm up by eleven percent," Kurt said stopping outside of his locker.

"Really?"

"This could be a cakewalk." Kurt turned towards his locker and began to put the combination in.

"Nice blouse, Hummel," Santana said sarcastically as she approached them with Brittany.

Kurt dropped his hand from the combination lock and turned to face the pair.

"So, can I rely on your vote Rachel?" Brittany asked.

"I'm sorry I already pledge my allegiance to Kurt," Rachel answered, shaking her head.

"Did you know McKinley has only ever had male student council presidents?" Santana asked.

Kurt ignored Brittany as she blamed the economy and other national issues on school politics. This was bad. If Brittany was running her campaign as a feminist rally she could very well win.

"We're having a flash mob in the gym and we're all showing up to support her with girl power," Santana said.

"Boys have made one hell of a mess in this school and there's only one way to clean it up," Brittany said as she strode off down the hallway with Santana following her.

"Let's go scope out the competition," Rachel said. She pulled Kurt down the hall towards the gym, ignoring his protests. He really wanted to go find Blaine. Kurt could feel his anxiety growing and he knew if he didn't do something soon it would be overwhelming.

Rachel pulled him down into the bleachers in the gym. He watched in horror as Brittany sang with the Cheerios, biting his lip to hide his pain when Quinn, Tina, and Mercedes joined the group. He hadn't known who Quinn and Tina would be voting for but he had been counting Mercedes's vote. Now he saw that he had been foolishly mistaken.

Kurt ran out of the gymnasium, not stopping when he heard Rachel yelling his name.

"Kurt, wait! Stop, please! Kurt!" Rachel's voice followed him out into the hall. But Kurt didn't stop running until he reached the safety of the choir room. The room was deserted.

His anxiety had reached its breaking point and now it bubbled up and over. He collapsed against the nearest wall, sliding down it to the floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rocked back and forth, pulling at his hair as he cried. Rachel and Finn burst into the room. Rachel instantly crouched beside him.

"He's having an anxiety attack," Finn observed. "I'm going to get Blaine. Put his head over your heart so he can listen to it beating."

Rachel blushed but moved to cradle Kurt in her arms, his head over her left breast. She whispered to him soothingly but it didn't help. His breathing grew more ragged and Rachel was just about to go look for Blaine herself when he ran into the room, followed by Finn.

"It's okay, baby. I'm here. You're all right," Blaine said as he fell to his knees next to his boyfriend. He pulled Kurt into his lap, rubbing his hands up and down his back.

Rachel watched in amazement. Blaine knew exactly what to do to calm Kurt down. He pulled Kurt's messenger bag over and rifled through it until he pulled out a bottle of water and Kurt's anti-anxiety medication. Blaine opened the pill bottle and fished out a single pill. He put the small white pill to Kurt's lips, waiting for the boy to part them. When he did Blaine put the pill on his tongue and lifted the water bottle to his lips. As he put the cap back on the bottle he began to sing.

You were standing in the wake of devastation.

And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown.

And with the cataclysm raining down,

Insides crying "Save me now."

You were there, impossibly alone.

Kurt continued to cry, drowning his sobs in Blaine's chest. Blaine tightened his arms around Kurt's small body, rocking him back and forth slowly. Kurt moved his hands to wrap in the fabric of Blaine's shirt, his knuckles quickly turning white as he gripped the material.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known.

Remember all the sadness and frustration.

And let it go. Let it go.

Blaine had taken one look at Finn in the hall and known something was wrong. The boy had barely gotten out the words Kurt, anxiety attack, and choir room before Blaine was barreling down the hall towards his boyfriend. He hadn't asked what had started it or any other questions. All of that could wait until later. Blaine's sole concern was calming Kurt down before he resorted to hurting himself.

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel,

As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars.

You felt the gravity of tempered grace,

Falling into empty space,

No one there to catch you in their arms.

Blaine had been relieved to see Rachel was sitting with Kurt, ensuring he couldn't do anything to harm himself. He had never been happier to see the girl than in that moment. Blaine knew how easy it was for Kurt to lose control when he had an anxiety attack. The risk of Kurt cutting too deeply was higher in moments like this.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known.

Remember all the sadness and frustration.

And let it go. Let it go.

Kurt's breathing was slowly returning to normal. His hands were still clutching at Blaine's shirt but his grip was beginning to loosen. Rachel and Finn noticed this and began to sing as well.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known.

Remember all the sadness and frustration.

And let it go. Let it go.

Let it go.

Let it go.

Let it go.

Finn watched as Kurt slowly returned to himself. His stepbrother closed his eyes, letting go of Blaine's shirt. Kurt moved his hands up to the nape of Blaine's neck, drawing comfort from the feeling of skin on skin. Finn had pushed away his jealousy of Blaine when he saw his stepbrother on the verge of hyperventilating, but now Finn could feel the unwanted feeling return. He didn't want to be jealous of Blaine, but he couldn't help it. Not only could Blaine help Kurt where Finn couldn't, he also had the potential to take the co-captaincy of New Directions from him.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known.

Remember all the sadness and frustration.

And let it go. Let it go.

When the song ended, Kurt pushed away from Blaine slightly to look him in the eyes. Blaine wiped the tear tracks from Kurt's eyes, smiling at him.

"Hey," Blaine said softly.

"Hey," Kurt answered in a whisper.

"Are you okay, man?" Finn asked loudly.

Kurt flinched at the noise, moving deeper into Blaine's arms. Blaine held him close, glaring at Finn.

"Yes," Kurt said to Finn after a moment, without looking at him. He raised his eyes back to Blaine's. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's not your fault. There's nothing to apologize for." Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt's forehead before he asked, "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"Brittany had a flash mob in the gym. No one's going to vote for me. I'm going to lose. I'm never going to get into NYADA or any other school. I'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life," Kurt said in one breath.

"Whoa, slow down." Blaine frowned. "That's not true and you know it."

"Even Mercedes is supporting her," Kurt ignored him.

"Well I will take that up with Mercedes later. For now, we all need to get to class. Are you okay to walk?" Blaine asked.

"I'm not an invalid, Blaine," Kurt snapped as he got to his feet. Realizing what he said, Kurt paled. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!"

"Hey, what did I say about apologizing?" Blaine asked with a smile.

Kurt blushed, opening his mouth to apologize again but Blaine stopped him with a kiss.

"Don't. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Now, let's get to class." Blaine stood up, turning to Rachel and Finn. "Thank you for taking care of him."

"Of course," Rachel said with a smile.

Finn simply nodded in Blaine's direction, keeping a watchful eye on his stepbrother. Blaine frowned slightly, but chose to ignore the boy. He pulled Kurt out of the room and down the hall towards their next class.

K/B

Blaine had been a little worried when Kurt called saying he couldn't drive him to school and he would meet him there instead. So when Kurt met him on the stairs outside, Blaine was relieved. Kurt hurried up the stairs, keeping one arm behind his back.

"The cast list goes up on Friday. Are you nervous?" Kurt asked.

"A little," Blaine answered honestly. He wanted to play Tony so badly but not if it would affect his relationship with Kurt.

"I wouldn't be. My mole in the casting office says there's only one person they're seriously considering for the role of Tony. And his name is Blaine Anderson," Kurt said with a smile.

Blaine blushed with a grin. Kurt moved his arm out from behind his back, revealing a bouquet of flowers which he offered to Blaine.

"Kurt, they're beautiful." Blaine buried his nose in the flowers and inhaled deeply. "What's the occasion?"

"You killed your audition, Blaine," Kurt said. "You deserve that part. If Tony went to anyone else, myself included, it would be a travesty. You deserve it, Blaine. The flowers are to celebrate you."

"You always zig when I think you're about to zag. I love that about you." Blaine took a step towards Kurt, his eyes falling to his lips. Kurt noticed and moved towards Blaine, who pointedly looked at all the people around them. Kissing would have to wait until later.

"You've done so much for me when you didn't have to," Kurt said suddenly.

"I wanted to because I love you."

"I know. And I'm not always an easy person to love."

"Actually it's hard not to love you. You're amazing, Kurt. You don't see yourself very clearly."

Kurt blushed, reaching to grasp Blaine's free hand. "Whatever happens, it won't change anything."

"Of course not. There is nothing in this world that could ever change how I feel about you. I love you."

"I love you too."

K/B

Kurt was still reeling from the fact that Mercedes had left New Directions. He couldn't believe she had left. Of course, Kurt understood that she was tired of singing backup for Finn and Rachel but he couldn't believe that she wanted a solo so badly that she would leave glee club entirely. Kurt was worried that Mercedes leaving would cost them their friendship. Instead of leaving just New Directions, it felt like she was leaving him. And Kurt couldn't deal with that.

Kurt's mind was racing as he lay down to bed that night. When he finally did manage to fall asleep, he was plagued by nightmares. He woke screaming, chest heaving with each breath he took. Fear clutched him and anxiety was like a vice on his heart. Kurt threw back the covers and sprinted into his bathroom.

He opened his medicine cabinet, and with his blade in hand, sank to the ground. Memories from years of bullying mixed with the new memory of Mercedes turning her back on him as he pressed the blade down, slicing through the skin of his wrist. If he had listened carefully he would have heard his phone ringing with Blaine's ringtone, but he was crying too hard to hear anything other than his own sobs echoed in the bathroom.

The phone continued to ring from his nightstand as Kurt drew the razorblade across his skin. When the voicemail picked up, no message was left. Seconds later the phone began to ring again. Again, Kurt didn't hear it.

K/B

Blaine wasn't sure what had woken him, but he did know something bad had happened. He had the worst foreboding feeling. He couldn't explain it, but he knew something bad had happened. Something that had to do with Kurt.

Grabbing his phone from his nightstand, Blaine dialed Kurt's number. When Kurt didn't answer, he redialed the number frantically. When that call also went unanswered, Blaine flew down the stairs. He took his car keys from their hook by the door and disappeared into the night.

K/B

Kurt continued to cry as he cut himself. When he was finally completely saturated by the pain, Kurt let the razorblade fall to the ground. He pressed his bleeding arm against his chest, ignoring the blood that smeared across his chest. He rocked himself back and forth slowly. Kurt thought he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, but he must have been imagining things. He wished he wasn't. More than anything he wanted Blaine to hold him until he stopped crying. But then the footsteps were there again, coming closer to his room door.

K/B

Blaine used the spare key to let himself into the Hudmel house. He raced up the stairs and into Kurt's bedroom. His panic grew when he saw Kurt was not in his bed. That was when Blaine noticed the light was on in Kurt's bathroom. Steeling himself for the worst, Blaine walked through the open door.

Kurt was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, curled in on himself. Blaine fell to his knees, pulling Kurt into his arms.

"Blaine?" Kurt sobbed.

"I'm here, baby. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere," Blaine promised as he rubbed Kurt's back soothingly. Kurt flung himself into Blaine's lap, sobbing against his chest. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Kurt nodded. Blaine didn't ask any more questions. He extended Kurt's arm to see the damage he had done to himself. Blaine counted fifteen lacerations that covered Kurt's left forearm. Thankfully, none were too deep. The sight still shook Blaine to his core, coupled with the fact that Kurt had inflicted them upon himself. Blaine's heart broke, hating to think how much emotional pain his boyfriend had been in to do this to himself.

Kurt's tears continued to fall, hot against the skin of Blaine's bare chest. Blaine ducked his head and pressed a kiss to Kurt's hair. Drawing in a deep breath, he began to sing softly.

Catch your breath,

Hit the wall.

Scream out loud,

As you start to crawl

Back in your cage.

The only place,

Where they will,

Leave you alone.

Kurt listened to Blaine's heart beat as he sang. The music combined with the steady beat of his love's heart was soothing. Kurt still continued to cry, but he could feel the panic leave his body as Blaine held him in his arms.

'Cause the weak will

Seek the weak 'til they've broken them.

Could you get it back again?

Would it be the same?

Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,

Left you with no defense;

They tore it down.

And I have felt the same as you.

I've felt the same as you.

I've felt the same.

Blaine knew Kurt still had nightmares from the bullying. The fact that the dreams were worse than what had actually happened worried Blaine. He hated seeing Kurt in pain, but he was powerless to keep the dreams at bay.

Locked inside

The only place

Where you feel sheltered,

Where you feel safe.

You lost yourself

In your search to find

Something else to hide behind.

Blaine didn't know how he knew something was wrong with Kurt, but he always acted on his intuition and this time was no different. He had panicked when Kurt didn't answer his calls, knowing that something had to be badly wrong for Kurt to ignore his phone. Images of Kurt unconscious in a pool of blood had haunted him as he drove to his boyfriend's house. And when he had seen the bathroom light on, he had been convinced his fears were a reality. He had never been happier to be wrong.

'Cause the fearful always preyed upon your confidence.

Did they see the consequence,

When they pushed you around?

The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,

Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

And I have felt the same as you.

I've felt the same as you.

I've felt the same as you.

I've felt the same.

Kurt slowly calmed down as he listened to Blaine sing. The cuts had helped, but Blaine's presence was what really brought him back to himself. His wounds continued to sting but Kurt didn't move from Blaine's lap to clean them.

Refuse to feel anything at all,

Refuse to slip,

Refuse to fall.

You can't be weak.

You can't stand still.

You watch your back 'cause no one will.

Kurt's body relaxed against Blaine's as he finally stopped crying. He didn't know how Blaine had known something was wrong, but he was glad he did. Kurt pressed his nose against Blaine's chest, breathing in deeply.

You don't know why they had to go this far.

Traded your worth for these scars,

For your only company.

And don't believe the lies,

That they have told to you.

Not one word was true.

You're alright.

You're alright.

You're alright.

And I have felt the same as you.

I've felt the same as you.

I've felt the same as you.

I've felt the same.

As you, I've felt the same.

As Blaine finished singing, Kurt pressed a kiss to his collarbone. He lifted his head to finally meet Blaine's eyes. Hazel met blue-green and Blaine smiled.

"How did you know?" Kurt asked.

"I woke up with a bad feeling. And when you didn't answer your phone I had to make sure you were all right," Blaine told him. He lifted Kurt off of his lap, getting to his feet. He helped Kurt up before grabbing medical supplies from under Kurt's sink.

Blaine washed Kurt's cuts with hydrogen peroxide before he covered them with gauze and medical tape. Then he wet a hand towel and wiped the blood from Kurt's bare chest. When he was done, he let Kurt pull him out of the bathroom. They fell into bed, Blaine moving to hold Kurt from behind.

"Thank you . . . for everything," Kurt whispered in the dark.

"Don't thank me. I would do it again," Blaine answered.

They both wondered if he would have to again. Unable to take the awkward silence that followed, Kurt burrowed his head into his pillow.

"I love you."

Blaine pressed a kiss to the back of Kurt's head before he replied, "I love you too. Forever."

"Always."

K/B

"Are you nervous about Rachel Berry joining the campaign?" Coach Beiste asked Kurt as they walked down the hall together.

"What do you mean?" Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"Oh, didn't you hear? Rachel is campaigning to be the senior class president too," Coach Beiste said nonchalantly.

Kurt stopped in his tracks. "I have to go."

He raced down the hall towards Rachel's locker. The girl was busy switching out textbooks for her next class. Kurt stormed over to her.

"We need to talk," he said.

"About the deadline for NYADA applications?" Rachel asked, though she clearly knew what he wanted to talk about.

"Why did Coach Beiste just tell me you were joining the presidential race?" Kurt asked.

"Because I am," Rachel answered slowly. "Look, Kurt. I'm not going to get the part in West Side Story. Mercedes is too good. I thought if I won the presidential race I could make you my vice and you could do the same."

"Yes, Rachel, if you win that would look great on your NYADA application. But if I win I could actually make a difference at this school. Not just for me, but for kids like me. Things could actually change for them." Kurt pressed his left wrist against his side, needing to feel the pain. "So whatever it takes, I'm winning."

"Look, I need something that's going to make me special, that will make me stand out to the Dean of Admissions. I wanted that to be Maria but now that it's not going to be I need something else. You understand, don't you? You're just as ambitious as I am. That's why we're friends," Rachel said quickly.

Kurt had never wanted to slap the girl more. "Rachel, when you look back on this time in ten years, you won't be thinking about the clubs you belonged to or the parts you had. You'll be thinking about the friends you had and the ones you just tossed aside."

Before Rachel could say another word, Kurt ran off down the hall, tears burning his eyes.

K/B

Finn had football practice after school, so Kurt didn't have a chance to talk to him until after dinner that night. Kurt didn't want to broach the subject of the presidency with their parents around. So after dinner, Kurt helped Carole clean the kitchen before he went to Finn's room. He knocked, waiting until Finn yelled "It's open!" to enter. Finn was playing Call of Duty on his Xbox.

"Who are you voting for?" Kurt asked the second he entered the room.

"I don't know yet." Finn didn't look up from his video game as he answered his stepbrother.

"Did you even try to stop her?" Kurt couldn't stop himself from asking. He had to know the answer.

"Can anyone stop Rachel from doing anything?" Finn answered with a question.

"Dammit, Finn! Talk to me!" Kurt exclaimed.

"I am talking to you, Kurt," Finn said as he continued to play the video game.

Kurt stormed over to Finn's Xbox and unplugged it. He held the cord up in one hand, his best bitch glare fixed on his face.

"Dude, what're you doing?" Finn yelled, throwing the controller aside as he stood up.

"Did you know she was going to do this? Did you know Rachel was entering the race?" Kurt asked.

"Not until today," Finn told him truthfully.

"Why didn't you stop her? You know how badly I need this! I could seriously change things at McKinley if I won!"

"If I tried to stop her she would've gotten mad at me."

"That's all you care about, isn't it? What happens to you and Rachel? We're supposed to be a family, Finn!"

"We are a family!"

"No, we're not! Family doesn't do this to each other!" Kurt screamed.

"What's going on in here?" Burt burst into the room after hearing the two boys yell at each other.

"I'm going to Blaine's," Kurt announced, turning away from Finn as he strode out the door.

"It's a school night," Burt reminded him as he followed Kurt down the stairs.

"I don't care. I need him right now. Just please don't try to stop me." Kurt walked out of the house without another word.

Kurt cried the short drive to Blaine's house. He pulled into Blaine's driveway and cut the engine, hurrying to Blaine's front door. He rang the bell and waited. He didn't have to wait long. Within seconds the door swung open to reveal Blaine, fresh out of the shower. He was dressed in his pajamas and drying his hair with a towel.

"Hey," Blaine said brightly. He frowned as he took in Kurt's red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "What's wrong?"

Kurt flung himself into Blaine's arms. Blaine dropped the towel, holding Kurt close. He walked them backwards so he could shut the door. Then he helped Kurt into the living room. Blaine sat down and Kurt crawled into his lap, burying his face in the crook of Blaine's shoulder.

"Don't leave me. Please, don't leave me!" Kurt sobbed.

"Oh, baby. I'm not going anywhere. I promise." Blaine pressed a kiss into Kurt's hair before he began to sing, rocking him back and forth slowly.

It's like a storm,

That cuts a path.

It breaks your will.

It feels like that.

You think you're lost.

But you're not lost on your own.

You're not alone.

Blaine wished Kurt would just drop out of the presidential race. He knew he would never be able to convince his boyfriend to do so, but he wished he could. Clearly, the stress was getting to Kurt. But he was too stubborn and wouldn't give up the campaign.

I will stand by you.

I will help you through,

When you've done all you can do,

And you can't cope.

I will dry your eyes.

I will fight your fight.

I will hold you tight.

And I won't let go.

No matter how bad things got, Blaine would stay by Kurt's side. He was determined to help him through this, even if Kurt tried to push him away. Each time Kurt cut and didn't tell him, Blaine felt like Kurt was trying to distance himself from him. It hurt, but Blaine didn't let it get in between them. He knew they would find a way through all of this. Together.

It hurts my heart

To see you cry.

I know it's dark

This part of life.

Oh it finds us all.

And we're too small

To stop the rain

Oh but when it rains.

Blaine hated seeing Kurt hurting. It hurt him knowing that his boyfriend was in so much pain. He wanted nothing more than to take the pain for him. He wanted to fix everything. But he knew it was impossible. All he could do was be there when Kurt broke down.

I will stand by you.

I will help you through,

When you've done all you can do,

And you can't cope.

I will dry your eyes.

I will fight your fight.

I will hold you tight.

And I won't let you fall.

Don't be afraid to fall.

I'm right here to catch you.

I won't let you down.

It won't get you down.

You're gonna make it.

Yeah I know you can make it.

Blaine felt Kurt relax against him. His tears had finally stopped falling. Blaine had been surprised when Kurt had appeared on his doorstep, but had not hesitated before he pulled him into the house. Whatever Kurt need, whenever he needed it, Blaine would help him.

'Cause I will stand by you.

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

And you can't cope.

And I will dry your eyes.

I will fight your fight.

I will hold you tight.

And I won't let go.

Oh I'm gonna hold you.

And I won't let go.

Won't let you go.

No I won't.

Kurt pushed away from Blaine. He wiped his tears, sniffling. "I'm sorry. You're all clean and I'm disgusting."

"You are not disgusting. You never could be." Blaine reached over to the end table and offered Kurt a tissue.

Kurt took it from him gratefully, blowing his nose. He stood up, wandering into the kitchen to throw away the tissue. Blaine followed him.

"My parents aren't home. You can stay here tonight," Blaine offered.

"I don't have anything here. I left it all at home except for my wallet and my keys." Kurt turned to face him after disposing of the tissue.

"It's okay. I have a spare toothbrush and you can borrow some of my pajamas," Blaine said as he stepped towards him. He took Kurt's hands in his, bringing them to his lips.

"I haven't showered yet. And what about a change of clothes for tomorrow?" Kurt persisted, though Blaine could tell his resolve was wavering.

"You can shower here and we can go back to your house before school tomorrow." Blaine brushed his lips against Kurt's. "Please stay."

"All right," Kurt relented.

Blaine smiled widely. "You can use my bathroom. I'll wait in my room while you shower."

"Are you sure about this? I don't want to impose." Kurt watched as Blaine pulled a pair of pajamas out of his dresser. Despite his words, he took the clothes when Blaine handed them out towards him.

"You could never impose. I love you, which means I'm always happy when you're around."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"It is," Blaine assured him. "Now go shower so we can cuddle before bedtime."

Kurt laughed. He pressed a kiss to Blaine's lips before disappearing into Blaine's bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He didn't know what he had done to deserve Blaine but he knew he would never give him up.

K/B

"Whatever it says, this changes nothing," Blaine told him as they walked down the hall.

The casting list had finally been posted and Kurt had insisted they go together to see what it said. Kurt's hand tightened on Blaine's for a second as they reached the bulletin board. Blaine looked at the paper in shock. He had gotten the part. He was Tony. Blaine threw himself at Kurt, wrapping him in a tight embrace.

"Wait, are you okay with this? Because if you aren't I'll go tell Artie I can't do it and they have to find someone else," Blaine said in a rush as he pulled away from Kurt.

"I'm more than okay with it, Blaine. You deserve this," Kurt assured him.

"Are you positive?" Blaine persisted.

"One hundred percent." Kurt looked around. Confident that no one was paying them the least bit of attention, he pressed a quick kiss to Blaine's cheek. "Congratulations, honey."

"I love you so much."

"Forever?" Kurt asked with a smile, already knowing the answer.

"Always. Forever and for always."