Chapter Fourteen:  New York

"Are you excited?" Blaine asked as he managed to pull Kurt away from his family into a secluded alcove of the airport.

"Yes, but scared," Kurt admitted. He held Blaine's gaze, proud that he could look him in the eye and admit his feelings and insecurities.

"Why are you scared?" Blaine asked, rubbing his thumb over the back of Kurt's right hand.

"What if I have a nightmare in front of the guys?" Kurt asked with a frown.

"If you have a nightmare, I want you to call me like you normally do. Why don't you try sleeping next to Finn so he can cover for you? Or, you could tell everyone the truth. But that's up to you, baby. I can't make that decision for you." Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt's waist, tugging him closer.

"I'll just feel weak if I tell them." Kurt sighed, brushing his lips against Blaine's. "I'm going to miss you."

"I know. I'll miss you too. But it's just for a week and then you'll be back in Lima," Blaine reminded him.

"And in a year, we'll be in New York. Together." Kurt smiled at the thought.

"I can't wait." Blaine grinned, pressing a kiss to the corner of Kurt's mouth.

The New Directions' flight was announced and Blaine kissed his boyfriend goodbye. He watched as Kurt joined his friends to board the plane. He wished he was going with them, but took solace in the fact that Kurt would be back in his arms in one week.

K/B

Being in New York had proved very beneficial for Kurt. It seemed like he had left his depression back in Lima. Running around with his friends through the city had been fun, as had the pillow fight in the girls' room. But now Kurt was exhausted. He longed to fall into bed, but first he had to speak with Finn.

Kurt waited until Finn returned from his date with Rachel. The second he stepped into the room, Kurt pulled the taller boy over to the corner of the room.

"Can you sleep next to me, just in case I have a nightmare or something? I don't want the other guys to know," Kurt whispered.

"Of course, man. You look tired. Go sleep. I'll be right there I just wanna take a shower first," Finn answered.

"Thanks." Kurt hugged Finn quickly before he pulled some blankets and a few pillows onto the floor for him and Finn to use. Puck and Archie had already called the two beds in the room while Sam and Mike had commandeered the sofa and the chair.

Kurt slept peacefully until the morning. That was when the nightmares finally found him. He thrashed about in his sleep, his arms and legs flailing. One of his legs connected with Finn's shin, waking the other boy.

"Kurt?" Finn asked sleepily. He looked over at his stepbrother, alarmed to see him writhing in the throes of a nightmare. Finn shook him roughly. "Kurt, wake up!"

Kurt bolted up, pushing Finn away from him as he scrambled to further the distance between them. When his back connected with the wall behind him, he realized what had happened.

"I'm so sorry, Finn," Kurt whispered so as not to wake the other boys.

"Don't worry about it. Are you okay?" Finn asked with concern.

"I need to call Blaine," Kurt said as way of answering. He grabbed his phone and hurried into the privacy of the bathroom. With the door closed behind him, Kurt dialed Blaine's number.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked sleepily.

"I had a nightmare. Now I really want to hurt myself." Kurt let the tears fall, not trying to fight them back.

"Where are you?" Blaine asked, now fully awake.

"In the bathroom. I didn't want to wake up the others. I already woke Finn up; I think I kicked him when I was dreaming."

"Where's your razor?"

"In my suitcase. I knew I shouldn't have brought it." Kurt bit his lip, wanting nothing more than to go find the blade in question and drag it across his skin.

"That's good, Kurt. I'm proud of you for calling me instead of turning to it. Why don't you sing me something? It'll make you feel better." Blaine suggested.

"Okay." Kurt agreed. He took a moment to think of a song and then drew in a deep breath before he began to sing.

And I don't know.

This could break my heart or save me.

Nothing's real,

Until you let go completely.

So here I go with all my thoughts,

I've been saving.

So here I go with all my fears,

Weighing on me.

Blaine allowed himself to get lost in the passion Kurt was pouring into the song. Kurt's voice was filled with pain, but it did not take away from the beauty of his voice. Instead of joining in for the chorus, Blaine sat with the phone pressed against his ear, listening to the emotion spilling out of his boyfriend.

Three months and I'm still sober.

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.

But I know it's never really over.

Kurt's voice broke slightly on the last word and Blaine knew he was crying. His voice was thick with tears, and Blaine wanted nothing more than to pull him into his arms and take all the pain from him and make it his own. But he was helpless to do anything except sing with him. So he did.

And I don't know.

I could crash and burn but maybe,

At the end of this road,

I might catch a glimpse of me.

So I won't worry 'bout my timing.

I wanna get it right.

No comparing, second guessing.

No not this time.

Blaine knew it had only been a week since Kurt had decided to stop cutting, but he was optimistic that things would get better. The past week had been hard, but Kurt had not given in once. Without the comfort of the blade, the nightmares had gotten worse but every night Kurt would call Blaine instead of seeking solace in the cold metal.

Three months and I'm still breathing.

Been a long road since those hands,

I left my tears in but I know.

It's never really over, no,

Wake . . . up.

Three months and I'm still standing here.

Three months and I'm getting better, yeah.

Three months and I still . . . mmm, oh.

Three months and it's still hard enough.

Three months I've been living here without you now.

Three months, and, three months, I, oh . . .

As difficult as the past week had been, Blaine knew things would get even harder. But he would not leave Kurt to deal with his emotions on his own. He would be there with Kurt every step of the way, showing him that he was loved and he was cared for. Listening to Kurt pour his heart out in song, Blaine knew he loved the boy. He had known it for a while, but had been too afraid to tell Kurt. He didn't want to push their relationship too fast, so he had held it in. But now, he knew he could finally express the depth of his feelings for Kurt without fear. And he would, the second the boy returned from New York City.

And now Kurt was singing so loud he was almost shouting. He felt all of the pain that the nightmares had brought leave him as the music worked its magic.

Three months and I'm still breathing.

Three months and I'm still remembering.

Three months and wake . . . up.

Mentally exhausted, Kurt's voice grew quieter. He sang the last lines listlessly. The pain had been driven away, and this time Kurt's body was not marred with cuts as proof of its existence.

Three months and I'm still sober.

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.

"I'm proud of you," Blaine said once the song had ended.

"Thank you . . . for everything." Kurt dried the tears from his eyes. "I would've been dead a long time ago without you."

"Don't say things like that." Blaine closed his eyes at the painful thought.

"But it's true. If you hadn't found me that day at Dalton or taken me to the hospital last week. . . I wouldn't be standing here today if it weren't for you." Kurt drew in a shaky breath before changing the subject. "I think I'm going to go wake Rachel up. I just had the perfect idea."

"Okay, well have fun and be safe. New York is a lot bigger than Lima." Blaine wished he was there to protect Kurt from whatever evil was lurking out there in the world, but he knew that this time Kurt had to go it alone.

"I will. I'll call you later."

They said their goodbyes and Kurt disconnected the phone call. He dressed quickly, careful not to wake up the other boys. Grabbing his messenger bag, he slipped out of the door and down to the girls' room. Rachel had given him a key card the night before in case he got tired of hanging with the boys and decided to room with them. This proved useful as he was able to surprise Rachel without waking up the other girls.

"Rachel, wake up," Kurt hissed in her ear.

"Why?" Rachel asked sleepily, wiping the corner of her mouth with her hand.

"We're going to have breakfast at Tiffany's." Kurt pulled her out of the bed, waiting in the hall while she got dressed. Finally, they were walking through the streets of New York City like they were born to do so.

"No one else understands how amazing this place really is," Rachel said thoughtfully as she took a bite of her bagel.

Kurt knew she was talking about New York in general, and not Tiffany's. He didn't interrupt her train of thought as she continued.

"I have a secret to tell you. After graduation, I'm coming back here and going to college. This is where I belong. This is my dream." Rachel wasn't sure if Kurt would think her idea was stupid, which was why she had yet to tell anyone about her plans for college.

"Blaine and I are coming too. I won't make it to Broadway staying in Ohio," Kurt said.

"But what do I do about Finn? I think he's wants us to get back together but I can't let a guy get in between me and my dreams." Rachel looked away, not sure if she was getting too out of line talking about Finn to his stepbrother.

"Bring him along. He'd be great if we needed to move something heavy," Kurt joked.

Rachel couldn't help but laugh. "He's too much of a country boy to want to live in a big city. In the end, I want him to be happy too."

"Love or career? You're going to have to make a choice, Rachel. But you should at least talk to Finn. If you don't, you'll never know. Maybe he'll surprise you." Kurt shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, if he did come along rent would be so much cheaper. Hey! The four of us could get an apartment together!" Rachel exclaimed, her eyes shining with excitement.

"Yeah, no. As much as I love you and Finn, I hear apartment walls are paper thin." Kurt took a sip of his coffee.

"Good point. I really don't want to have to listen to you and Blaine."

"Me and Blaine? I meant you and Finn!" Kurt laughed.

"Finn and I . . . never actually got that far." Rachel blushed, not meeting Kurt's eyes.

Kurt bumped against her shoulder. "It's okay. Blaine and I haven't either."

"Really? I thought for sure. . . ."

"No. We're taking things slow."

Rachel sighed unhappily. "Maybe I shouldn't worry about Finn. If our relationship never got serious enough for sex, how do I know we'd even make it living together in New York?"

"You have to decide if your love is worth the risk," Kurt told her.

"I don't know how to choose."

"I do. Follow me."

Kurt took off down the street, ignoring Rachel's protests for him to stop. He kept walking until they came to a halt outside the Gershwin Theatre where Wicked was playing.

"How is this supposed to help me make a decision?" Rachel asked, looking up at the building in awe.

"We have to go in." Then an idea struck Kurt. "Strike that. We have to break in."

After testing several back doors, they finally found one that was unlocked. Rachel protested the entire time, even when they were almost to the stage. Both of them nearly had a heart attack when an usher discovered them, but Kurt couldn't hold back a squeal when the man decided to look the other way and let them have their fifteen minutes in the spotlight.

They ran to the stage, laughing with pure joy. Kurt turned in a circle, taking it all in. He couldn't believe they were really in the Gershwin Theatre. He turned his attention back to Rachel.

"In order to make a choice, you need to visualize both the options," he said.

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

"Sing. Just imagine yourself in front of a full audience, singing the final song of one of the greatest musicals of all time." Kurt wrapped an arm around Rachel's waist.

Rachel walked towards the front of the stage as she took Kurt's advice and began to sing.

I'm limited.

Just look at me – I'm limited.

She could see it now, all of her dreams coming true. But where did that leave Finn in the equation? She turned her attention towards Kurt, beaming widely at him.

And just look at you.

You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda.

Now it's up to you.

Rachel grabbed Kurt's hands, leading him out onto the center of the stage. Kurt still could not believe that this was really happening and they were singing in the Gershwin Theatre. He looked out at the empty theater, knowing that if he followed his heart one day it would be filled with people wanting to hear him sing.

I've heard it said,

That people come into our lives for a reason,

Bringing something we must learn.

Rachel walked to the side of the stage as he sang. She climbed up the stairs, wanting to get the full effect of the theater.

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true.

But I know I'm who I am today,

Because I knew you.

Rachel belted the chorus, watching as Kurt climbed up the stairs towards her. In a way, they were now singing the song to each other as the lyrics rang true. If they had never met, they would not be the people they were today. Sure, they didn't always get along, but they knew that if need arose they could throw their differences out the window to be there for the other.

Like a ship blown from its mooring,

By a wind off the sea.

Like a seed dropped by a skybird,

In a distant wood.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you,

Kurt echoed the line after her, holding on the railing and leaning backwards.

Because I knew you.

Rachel looked deep into Kurt's eyes as they sang the next line together.

I have been changed for good.

Rachel walked towards Kurt as she sang, hoping he knew she meant every word that she sang. She smiled when Kurt took her hand, leading her down the stairs. He returned the smile in earnest.

And just to clear the air.

I ask forgiveness,

For the things I've done you blame me for.

Kurt cocked his head at Rachel as he sang, knowing that they were both sorry for the things that had happened between them in the past. Hopefully they could put all the fighting and jealousy behind them and focus on the future together.

But then, I guess we know,

There's blame to share.

And none of it seems to matter anymore.

Standing on the stage, Kurt hoped both of their dreams would come true. He sang Glinda's chorus, smiling when Rachel's voice echoed him with Elphaba's chorus.

Like a comet pulled from orbit,

(Like a ship blown from its mooring)

As it passes a sun.

(By a wind off the sea)

Like a stream that meets a boulder,

(Like a seed dropped by a bird)

Halfway through

As their voices came together on the next words, their eyes found each other once again. They knew the past had been forgiven, and the future looked bright. But the future was still so unsure for the both of them.

The wood.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

Because I knew you,

I have been changed . . . for good.

Kurt felt tears welling up behind his eyes as the song ended. Rachel's face clouded with concern when she saw he was crying.

"What's wrong?" she asked, hurrying to his side.

"I'm just scared. Who knows if we'll ever really make it here? All my life, this has been my dream. But when your life has been filled with so much pain it's hard to be optimistic about the future." Kurt wiped at his tears, embarrassed.

"If you can dream it, Kurt, you can make it happen. I have faith in you. I know you've been through a lot, but you can't let the past hold you back." Rachel laced her fingers through his.

"I know . . . that's why I decided to stop hurting myself."

"That's great!"

Kurt smiled weakly at her reaction. "I know what I'm doing – was doing – is dangerous. I almost died once and I would have if Blaine hadn't found me. Don't tell anyone, I don't want them to worry, but last week I had to get stitches."

"Oh, Kurt. . . ."

"I just want to be happy. New York could be a new beginning for me and Blaine, where we can be free to be who we are. But I'm scared."

Rachel hugged him tightly. "I'm scared too, Kurt. Change is a scary thing, and this will be a colossal change. But college is different from high school. And you'll have me, and Blaine, and possibly Finn, there to support you every step of the way. Just don't give up the fight. I know you can make it."

"Thanks, Rachel." Kurt hugged her back, pressing his cheek to the top of her head.

"You're welcome. Now let's get back before Mr. Schue finds we're missing."

K/B

Losing Nationals had been disappointing, but Kurt didn't let that eclipse the rest of his New York experience. He told his dad everything on the ride from the airport to the Lima Bean where he was meeting Blaine. The drive seemed to take forever and Kurt was anxious to see his boyfriend.

Kurt jumped out of the car the second they pulled up to the coffeehouse. Blaine was sitting on the bench outside, waiting for him. Kurt ran into his arms.

"I missed you!" He breathed in Blaine's scent.

Blaine chuckled, smiling widely. "I missed you too. Come on, I already ordered our drinks they should be ready by now."

After they received their coffees from the barista, they sat down at their usual table. Kurt told Blaine all about Nationals, including how Santana had flipped when they lost.

"Aren't you sad you lost?" Blaine asked, propping his chin up on his hand.

"Well, it was still an amazing experience." Kurt shrugged with a smile. "I got to fly in a plane for the first time, I had breakfast at Tiffany's with Rachel and we sang on a Broadway stage."

Listening to the happiness in Kurt's voice, Blaine knew now was the right moment. Without a moment's hesitation or any fear at all, he looked deep into Kurt's eyes and spoke.

"I love you."

Kurt was momentarily stunned. He tried not to choke on the coffee he had just sipped, forcing the scalding liquid down his esophagus. Kurt couldn't help but smile as he answered.

"I love you too. I have since the day you turned around on the staircase." Kurt blushed at his admission.

"Love at first sight, huh?" Blaine teased with a sly grin. Then he looked at Kurt seriously. "I've wanted to tell you that for a long time but I didn't want you to think I was rushing this relationship. I know things aren't easy for you right now, and I'm perfectly happy to just be there for you in whatever capacity you may need me."

Kurt smiled. "Is it too soon to tell you again that I love you?"

"I'll never get tired of hearing you say those words." Blaine leaned across the table to kiss Kurt quickly. When they pulled away, Blaine paused before speaking. "You know if you need me to stay home with you this summer I will. I can cancel the Six Flags gig."

"You will do no such thing, Blaine Anderson," Kurt scolded. "I will be just fine spending this summer in Lima while you're in Illinois. I'll call you whenever I need you, and even when I don't. And I'll have Dad, Finn, and Rachel here to keep me entertained."

"Are you sure?" Blaine asked. He hated leaving Kurt for the entire summer. Especially with everything that had happened in the past year.

"I'm positive. Just think this'll look great on your resume in New York."

Blaine laughed. "I love you."

"I love you too."