Chapter Thirteen:  Funeral

"I have to go soon," Blaine said regretfully. He pressed his lips to the back of Kurt's head, breathing in his scent. He was glad they had time like this together, but it always seemed too short, especially on the week days.

"I know," Kurt answered sadly, tightening his arms around Blaine. He snuggled deeper into Blaine's arms, burying his head in Blaine's chest.

A knock sounded at the door, followed by Finn calling out, "Kurt?"

"What is it, Finn?" Kurt asked, not looking at him.

Finn stepped into the room tentatively. He stopped once he reached the edge of Kurt's bed. "I just got off the phone with Rachel. Coach Sue's sister, Jean, died on Sunday. I thought we should do something for Sue since we know what it's like to lose someone."

Kurt's body tensed instantly. He was no longer in his bedroom with Blaine and Finn, but at the hospital with his dad. Burt was explaining that his mom had gone to live with God in Heaven. That was when Kurt stopped believing in God. What type of God would take his mother away from him? Blaine frowned when he felt Kurt's muscles turn to stone. He shifted Kurt off of him slightly so he could see his face.

"Kurt? Hey, look at me. Come on, stay with me." Blaine cradled Kurt's face with his hand, lifting his head.

"What's wrong with him?" Finn asked when Kurt remained unresponsive.

"He's having a flashback." Blaine shook Kurt gently. "Kurt, listen to me. Wherever you went, you're not really there. You're here with me and Finn in your bedroom and you're safe. Listen to me, Kurt. Please, listen to me."

Lost in the flashback, Kurt began to cry along with his eight-year-old self. It was like he was experiencing everything again for the first time and the pain was eating away at his heart. He couldn't hear Blaine or Finn calling to him.

"Shit," Blaine cursed as tears began to fall from Kurt's eyes. "Come on, baby. Listen to me. I know you're hurting but I can't help you until you come back to me."

Kurt's body began to tremble as his sobs increased in intensity. His breathing grew ragged as his heart raced in his chest. Blaine remembered Dr. Madsen explaining that the flashbacks stemmed from anxiety and was a type of anxiety attack. This was only the second flashback Kurt had experienced, and Blaine was thankful that it did not appear to be as bad as the previous one.

"Finn, go into the bathroom and get Kurt's anti-anxiety medication. It should be in the medicine cabinet," Blaine instructed. Finn listened instantly. Blaine turned his attention back to Kurt. "Kurt, listen to my voice. You're safe. I've got you. No one is going to hurt you."

Unable to think of anything else Blaine pressed his lips to Kurt's hard, hoping to jar him from his memory. Blaine could taste the salt from Kurt's tears, but he ignored it. He pressed kisses to Kurt's forehead, his cheeks, his nose and his lips.

"Please, Kurt. It's all right. You're okay. You're safe." Blaine was running out of ideas. He cradled Kurt's head against his chest, pressing his ear against Blaine's heart.

Kurt gasped suddenly as he was finally torn out of the memory. His fingers clawed at Blaine's shirt as he sobbed. "Blaine!"

"I'm right here, baby. I'm right here. You're safe." Blaine held him closer, kissing the top of Kurt's head.

Kurt was crying harder now, the pain of his mother's passing still with him. Blaine thought he heard Kurt whimper "Mommy" but he wasn't sure. Finn returned with the anti-anxiety pills and a glass of water.

"Here, Kurt. Take this." Blaine pressed one of the pills to his lips. Kurt opened his mouth and took the medicine, gulping down water when Blaine lifted the glass to his mouth.

Kurt continued to cry, clinging to Blaine. He tightened his grip on Blaine's shirt, sobbing into Blaine's neck. "Don't leave me! Please, don't leave me!"

"I'm not, baby. I'm right here." Blaine held him tight, making shushing noises to try to comfort him.

Blaine knew he couldn't stay much longer. He had to leave soon if he was going to make curfew on time. But he couldn't leave Kurt alone like this. Blaine knew the anti-anxiety medication would make Kurt drowsy so he waited until his weight sagged against him. He shifted Kurt's head off of his chest and onto his pillow, slipping his body out from under Kurt's.

"What was that all about?" Finn asked nervously.

"His mom, I think. I heard him say 'Mommy' right before you came back. I should have known from the start; the smallest death reminds Kurt of his mom. Look, I've got to get back to Dalton but I can't leave him alone. He'll probably have a nightmare and try to hurt himself. Would you mind staying with him, please?" Blaine asked.

"Sure, man. Just let me get some blankets and a pillow from my room." Finn left before Blaine could say anything else. He returned just as quickly, laying the blankets on the ground by Kurt's bedside.

"If he has a nightmare, call me. You can try singing to him if he gets upset again." Blaine was hesitant to leave Kurt's side but he knew he couldn't risk being locked out of Dalton after curfew. He pressed a kiss to Kurt's head, pulling the blankets up to his shoulders.

"I'll take care of him, Blaine. Don't worry," Finn said as he followed Blaine down the stairs to the front door.

"Thanks, Finn. Promise you'll call me if he has a nightmare?" Blaine stood in the doorway, reluctant to leave his boyfriend when he was so vulnerable.

"I promise," Finn said.

Blaine nodded before saying goodbye and hurrying to his car before he changed his mind and decided to stay regardless of curfew. Finn watched Blaine drive away, lifting his hand to wave goodbye before he returned to Kurt's room. His stepbrother was still asleep. Finn turned the light off before he sank down onto his makeshift bed, falling asleep instantly.

K/B

Several hours later, Finn woke to screams. He pushed the blanket away, jumping to his feet. Finn shook Kurt roughly, relieved when the boy awoke instantly. Finn pulled Kurt into his arms, holding him close to his chest.

"You're okay, Kurt. You're all right. I'm gonna call Blaine." Finn grabbed Kurt's phone off of his nightstand, scrolling through the contacts until he found Blaine's number. He pressed the call button.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked sleepily, picking up on the second ring.

"It's Finn. Kurt had a nightmare." Finn could feel the tremors wracking through Kurt's entire body. He held him closer, not knowing what else to do.

"Shit. If he's shaking, hold him close and let him listen to your heartbeat." Blaine's voice was instantly more alert.

"I'm holding him but he's still shaking." Finn was afraid to tighten his embrace on Kurt further, not wanting to hurt him.

"Okay, that should help calm him down just give it time. Did you try singing to him?" Blaine asked.

"No. Hold on, let me turn on speaker phone." Finn looked at the screen of the unfamiliar phone, pressing the correct button once he found it. "Okay, what should I sing?"

"Something slow," Blaine answered.

"All right, I think I have something." Finn began to sing before Blaine could ask what song he was thinking of.

When your day is long,

And the night, the night is yours alone.

When you're sure you've had enough,

Of this life, well hang on.

Recognizing the song, Blaine began to harmonize his voice with Finn's. He was glad that Finn had thought to put him on speaker. Maybe hearing his voice would help calm Kurt down further.

Don't let yourself go.

'Cause everybody cries.

And everybody hurts sometimes.

As they started the second verse, Blaine sang backup softly. He hated not being there when Kurt was so upset, but he was glad he at least had Finn. Lord only knew what Kurt would have done if he had woken up alone. Still, it was hard for Blaine to not be there watching Kurt's reaction to see if he was calming down.

Sometimes everything is wrong.

Now it's time to sing along,

When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on).

If you feel like letting go (hold on),

If you think you've had too much,

Of this life, well hang on.

As if they had some unspoken agreement, Blaine took over the melody. Finn picked up the harmony. He noticed the tremors had almost completely left Kurt, his body only quivering slightly every now and then.

'Cause everybody hurts.

Take comfort in your friends.

Everybody hurts.

Don't throw your hand, oh no.

Don't throw your hand.

If you feel like you're alone.

No, no, no, you are not alone.

The last of the trembling stopped and Kurt's breathing slowly returned to normal. Finn continued to hold his stepbrother close, glad he was finally calming down.

If you're on your own in this life,

The days and nights are long,

When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes.

Everybody cries.

Everybody hurts sometimes.

And everybody hurts sometimes.

Finn felt Kurt's body sag against his chest and he knew the boy was asleep. He lowered his voice, not wanting to wake Kurt.

So hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Everybody hurts.

"Is he asleep?" Blaine asked when the song had ended.

"Yeah, he is."

"He shouldn't wake up again. He normally only has one nightmare a night but if it happens again call me." Blaine paused for a second. "Thank you for staying with him, Finn. I wish I was able to stay with him but I was five minutes late for curfew as it was."

"It's no problem, Blaine. I told Kurt I was going to be here for him from now on and I meant it. You didn't get in trouble over curfew, did you?" Finn asked.

"No, my friend David helped me sneak in." Blaine answered.

"Cool. Blaine, I just want to thank you for everything you've done for Kurt. You've been there for him when I should have been and . . . well I'm just glad he has someone like you," Finn finished awkwardly.

"Thank you, Finn. Get some sleep. Remember, call me if it happens again," Blaine said.

"I will," Finn assured him. "Bye."

"Bye."

K/B

"Are you sure you want to do this? I can go in there alone if you can't," Finn asked Kurt for the umpteenth time.

Kurt looked straight ahead, his resolve hardened. He kept his head held high as he replied, "I'm sure, Finn."

They reached the door to Sue's office. Kurt took a deep breath before he knocked on the open door.

"Coach Sylvester?" he asked softly.

"We brought you some flowers," Finn told her as he followed Kurt into the room.

"We're sorry for your loss," Kurt said with sincerity.

"Thank you. You can put them with the rest." Sue nodded towards the various flower arrangements that had been placed in the corner of the room.

Kurt put his flowers down, then taking the teddy bear from Finn to place it next to the bouquet.

"Why did you bother doing this after everything I've done to the glee club?" Sue asked, getting to her feet. She walked around to the front of the desk. "I've made your lives a living hell, with enjoyment . . . and here you are comforting me."

"We both know what it's like to lose someone that you love dearly," Kurt answered.

"I sort of do; my dad died when I was a baby." Finn cut in.

"And my mom died when I was eight," Kurt added.

Sue nodded before she spoke. "So how do you think you can help me? Are you here to tell me how I'm supposed to deal with this?"

"Not at all." Kurt shook his head.

"Because, honestly, I don't know how to deal with this." Sue continued as if Kurt had not interjected. "I can't bring myself to enter that nursing home and go through Jean's belongings. And I won't plan a funeral."

With a sneaking suspicion, Kurt couldn't stop himself from asking, "Have you told your mother yet?"

"She said her goodbyes years ago." Kurt looked like he wanted to say something, but when he didn't Sue kept speaking. "I wish someone would explain to me why it was her time and not mine. Jean's the sweetest person I ever met, and as both of you could attest to, I'm probably the meanest. So why am I the one standing here talking to you?"

A strangled noise left Kurt's throat as he turned and fled the room. He was pushing open the door to the bathroom when Finn caught up to him.

"Kurt, don't." Finn grabbed his stepbrother's arm, pulling him back. "I know what you're about to do and it's not worth it."

"You don't know anything about me, Finn." Kurt wrenched his arm out of Finn's grasp.

"Maybe I don't, but I'm trying to learn," Finn said. "Come on, I have an idea of how to help Sue."

Kurt hesitated before he followed Finn. He knew even if he did make another run for the bathroom, Finn would stop him. Kurt stood silently by Finn's side as he addressed the glee club.

"We need to help Coach Sylvester. She's overwhelmed and she needs our help," Finn said.

"Seriously?" Santana asked. "I'd like to put the fun back in funeral as much as the next girl, but why would the glee club help Coach Sylvester plan a service after what she's done?"

"We're not doing it for Sue. We're doing it for her sister," Kurt answered, tiredly.

"Come on, guys. Jean was just like us: an outsider and an underdog. She spent her entire life that way. We of all people should celebrate that." Finn looked around the room, trying to see if they were reaching anyone.

"Can I say something?" Jesse St. James asked from the corner.

Kurt bit back a sigh. Ever since Jesse had returned, things had been going downhill. They were never going to win at nationals with him around. All he cared about was himself and whatever relationship he had with Rachel.

"Death is a tragedy, yes, but it's also a part of life. You can't put your life on hold because of it. Nationals is in one week. That's what we need to be focusing on, not planning a funeral," Jesse said.

"Are you serious?" Finn asked.

"Maybe if you had a heart, Jesse, you'd actually understand why we want to do this," Kurt lashed out.

"Kurt!" Will gave him a warning look.

"Thanks for the input, Jesse. But we're helping Coach Sylvester with Jean's funeral. Rachel, you wanted me to be more of a leader so I'm making this call. We're planning the funeral," Finn announced.

Kurt didn't wait for Will's dismissal. He disappeared out the door before anyone could stop him. Again, he made for the bathroom and again, he was stopped.

"Kurt! Are you okay?" Will asked, catching Kurt just outside the bathroom door.

"I'm fine, Mr. Schue. I just miss my mom," Kurt answered.

"You know you can come to me if you ever need to talk, okay?" Will squeezed his shoulder.

"I know. Thank you. But I'll be fine." Kurt took off down the hall before Will could further detain him. At least the school day was over and he could finally go home.

K/B

Kurt wasn't nervous as he walked across the stage. He had practiced the song with Blaine countless times, and he knew it was perfect. Having seen Gypsy repeatedly, the words to "Some People" were already burned into his brain. Kurt sang his heart out, putting his all into the performance. The song ended and Kurt beamed when he heard Will's applause. But then Jesse had to open his gaping hole of a mouth.

"Kurt, you do know that song was meant for a woman, right?" Jesse asked.

Kurt longed to reach across the auditorium and slap him. Instead, he said, "Yes, I'm aware. And we're way over the guys-singing-songs-meant-for-girls issue."

But Jesse wasn't finished. "Then you must know that that song was done to great fanfare by Broadway legend Patti LuPone. But those are some awful big shoes to fill and I'm not sure that you nailed it."

Will turned to look at Jesse in disbelief. When he turned back up to the stage, Kurt was gone. Once he had exited the auditorium, Kurt pulled out his phone and dialed Blaine's number.

"Hey, baby. How did your audition go?" Blaine answered.

"You know, all I ever do is try but it's never appreciated. I'm sick of it. I wish Jesse had never shown back up here." Kurt pushed open the door that led to the parking lot, hurrying towards his car.

"Whatever he said isn't true. I'm sure you weren't anything less than perfect." Blaine had to fight down the impulse to drive to Lima and beat Jesse into a pulp.

"He said I shouldn't be singing girl songs. I'm a countertenor; I make my living off of girl songs," Kurt said with a laugh.

"Don't listen to him, love. He's wrong and we both know that."

"Thanks. I have a lot of homework waiting for me at home, so I'll talk to you tomorrow." Kurt sighed into the phone.

"Okay, baby. Call me if you need me."

"I will."

Kurt disconnected the call before sliding behind the wheel of his Navigator. He still wanted to beat Jesse's face in, but he felt slightly better after talking to Blaine. He was right. Jesse's opinion didn't matter in the slightest.

K/B

Kurt was glad the funeral was finally over. It had gone off without a hitch, but the entire week had been too painful and brought up many memories. Kurt just wanted a moment alone with his razor, but it seemed Finn was always there to stop him. Thankfully, the house was completely empty. Blaine was on his way over, but Kurt knew he had enough time to make himself strong.

He went into his bathroom, finding his razor in its hiding spot. Kurt rolled up his sleeve, placing the sharp edge against his skin. The bite of the blade forced away the memories but it wasn't enough so he dug in deeper. Kurt was not conscious of his actions as he brought the blade down to his arm over and over again. When he finally pulled back to examine the damage, he bit his lip to keep from crying. Most of the cuts were shallow, except for one deep gash. Kurt fumbled for his phone in his pocket, dialing the first number that came to mind.

"Hey, baby, I just pulled up." Blaine's voice sounded cheerful through the phone.

Kurt let out a sob, tightening his grip on the phone. "It won't stop bleeding."

"Oh, God. I'm coming, Kurt, just hold on."

Kurt heard Blaine running up the stairs and then he was pulling him into his arms. He held Kurt close to his chest while his brain tried to process what he had to do. Blaine grabbed a towel, tying it tightly around Kurt's wrist.

"I'm going to call your dad and tell him I'm taking you to the hospital." Blaine pulled Kurt's phone out of his hand, finding Burt's number from the contacts list.

"I need my paper," Kurt mumbled. He got to his feet before Blaine could stop him. He went into the bedroom, pulling a folded piece of paper out of his nightstand.

"What is this?" Blaine asked. Unfolding the paper, he read The Bill of Rights for People Who Self-Harm. Before Kurt could reply, Burt had answered. "Hello, Burt? It's Blaine. Kurt cut himself. I think he needs stitches; I'm taking him to the hospital."

Kurt watched Blaine pace the room, not really listening to what was being said. He looked at his boyfriend expectantly when he hung up the phone.

"Your dad's going to meet us there." Blaine helped Kurt to stand. Kurt let Blaine lead him out to his car.

Fifteen minutes later, they were pulling into the hospital parking lot. Blaine parked in the first open spot he saw, hurrying Kurt into the Emergency Room. They approached the woman at the registration desk.

Kurt looked around the room while Blaine talked to the woman. Carole came bustling out the back, hurrying over to her stepson. Kurt knew instantly that Burt had called her.

"Come on, honey. I already filled out your paperwork when Burt called. The doctor's going to see you now." Carole led Blaine and Kurt back into a restricted area.

"Hello, Kurt. I'm Dr. Fey." The doctor introduced herself. She directed Kurt towards a chair in the room.

Carole took Kurt's vitals while Dr. Fey talked to him.

"I understand that you caused this injury yourself?" Dr. Fey asked.

"Yes," Kurt answered with detachment.

"Have you been having any suicidal thoughts lately?" Dr. Fey questioned.

"No."

"Can you tell me why you did this to yourself?"

Kurt bristled at the question. He hadn't even told Blaine why he had done it yet. He turned his head to look at his boyfriend with searching eyes.

"It's okay, Kurt. You don't have to tell her." Blaine squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"No . . . it's all right," Kurt said softly. "I missed my mom and it just hurt so much that I couldn't take it anymore. I knew how to stop the pain so I did."

"Did you mean to cut this deeply?" Dr. Fey asked.

"No. It was an accident." Kurt reached his hand into his pocket, pulling out a piece of paper. "Here."

Kurt shoved the paper at Dr. Fey. He watched as she read it. She nodded, placing the paper to the side.

"I'm glad you have that, Kurt. But you won't need it with me."

Kurt nodded. At that moment, Burt burst into the room.

"Kurt, are you okay?" he asked, hurrying to his son's side.

"I'm fine, Dad. Just tired." Kurt answered.

Carole finished taking Kurt's temperature, jotting down the number when 98.5 flashed up. She then pulled Burt to the side so Dr. Fey could treat Kurt's wounds. Finally, after what seemed like hours, they were allowed to return home. Blaine followed Kurt up to his room, pulling him onto the bed next to him.

"Kurt, I know you don't want to but I really think you need to get treatment. Maybe you should consider going to rehab or something." Blaine hated even bringing up the subject but he knew it had to be done. The night could have ended much worse than it had.

Kurt sighed, turning to face Blaine. "Tonight . . . going to the ER, getting stitches, it made me realize that . . . I do have a problem. I'm going to get help, Blaine. But I'm not leaving you to go to some rehabilitation center. I can't do that. But I will get help, I promise."

Blaine smiled faintly, glad to hear that Kurt had finally accepted his self-harm for what it really was: a dangerous coping mechanism. He pulled Kurt close, kissing him softly.

"As long as you get help. That's all I ask for," Blaine said when he pulled back.

"I will. I promise." Kurt pressed his nose against Blaine's neck, breathing in deeply. "What if I can't stop though?"

"Oh baby, don't think like that. I know you can. I'll be with you every step of the way. And if you stumble a few times, I'll pick you up and hold your hand as we start again." Blaine hugged Kurt close.

Kurt lifted his head, brushing his lips against Blaine's. He climbed off the bed, going to his iPod dock and searching through the song list for the one he wanted.

"What are you doing?" Blaine asked.

"You'll see," Kurt answered. He finally found the song, selecting it and crawling back on the bed next to Blaine. Kurt took Blaine's hand in his as he began to sing.

If I fall along the way,

Pick me up and dust me off.

And if I get too tired to make it,

Be my breath so I can walk.

Recognizing the song, Blaine picked up the harmony. He was surprised with Kurt's song choice, but if it helped him feel better Blaine would be happy.

If I need some other love,

Give me more than I can stand.

And when my smile gets old and faded,

Wait around I'll smile again.

Kurt stood, pulling Blaine to his feet. He began to dance, not feeling the least bit self-conscious. Blaine had seen him at his worst and was still sticking right back his side.

Shouldn't be so complicated.

Just hold me and then,

Just hold me again.

Can you help me I'm bent.

I'm so scared that I'll never,

Get put back together.

Keep breaking me in.

And this is how we will end,

With you and me bent.

Blaine picked up the melody on the second verse. Kurt harmonized his voice with Blaine's. He hoped Blaine understood what this song meant for Kurt. He was accepting Blaine's help in his recovery.

If I couldn't sleep could you sleep?

Could you paint me better off?

Could you sympathize with my needs?

I know you think I need a lot.

I started out clean but I'm jaded.

Just phoning it in,

Just breaking the skin.

Can you help me I'm bent.

I'm so scared that I'll never,

Get put back together.

Keep breaking me in.

And this is how we will end,

With you and me bent.

Again, the boys switched parts. Kurt sang the melody while Blaine picked back up with the harmony.

Start bending me.

It's never enough.

I feel all your pieces.

Start bending me.

Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in.

Shouldn't be so complicated.

Just touch me and then,

Just touch me again.

Can you help me I'm bent.

I'm so scared that I'll never,

Get put back together.

Keep breaking me in.

And this is how we will end,

With you and me livin' without understandin'

Can I go there again?

Can you help me I'm bent.

I'm so scared that I'll never,

Get put back together.

Yeah, you're breaking me in.

Blaine pulled Kurt closer, their chests brushing together. Their lips were millimeters apart as they sang the last lines in unison.

And this is how we will end,

With you and me bent.

As Kurt brought their lips together, he let his mind wander lazily. He knew what he was doing was dangerous, and it had to stop. He just didn't know how long it would take him to finally put all of his problems behind him. But with Blaine by his side, he felt like he could do anything.