Chapter Seven:  Staying Strong

Tuesday September 18, 2012

Kurt was having a horrible day. First off, Cassandra July had spent half the class period insulting him and Rachel, though as usual he received most of the criticism. Then, he had bombed his second ever off-Broadway audition. This time, he hadn’t even been allowed to finish. The director had cut him off halfway through the song and informed him they were ‘going in another direction.’

He took his time walking home, slipping into the entrance to Gramercy Park. Kurt longed to hurt himself, but he knew Blaine would be home and it would be impossible. Hoping that it would help him to cope, Kurt began to sing.

To this world I am unimportant,

Just because I have nothing to give.

So you call this your free country.

Tell me why it costs so much to live?

Tell me why.

Kurt began to jog, ignoring the looks he got from passersby as he continued to sing. Why did they even care? He wasn’t anyone important. He was just plain old Kurt Hummel, a man with big dreams that were destined to fall through. All his life Kurt had been told to follow his dreams, but no one had ever told him what that path would cost him.

This world can turn me down,

But I won't turn away, oh no.

I won't turn around.

Blaine drifted to the forefront of Kurt’s mind. He knew exactly what Blaine would say, ‘You can’t give up, Kurt. You’ve got to keep trying.’ But Kurt didn’t know if trying was worth the pain. Kurt pushed himself harder, breaking into a run.

All my work and endless measures,

Never seem to get me very far.

Walk a mile just to move an inch now,

Even though I'm trying so damn hard.

I'm trying so hard.

Even though he had spent hours preparing for both auditions, Kurt had been turned away without a single role in either musical. All of his efforts had been wasted. If he tried harder next time, if he spent weeks practicing, would he then be successful? Or would the end result be the same? What if it wasn’t the effort he put in but himself in general that brought about his failure?

This world can turn me down,

But I won't turn away.

And I won't duck and run.

Cause I'm not built that way.

When everything is gone,

There is nothing left to fear.

The world cannot bring me down.

No, cause I am already here, oh no!

Running through the park, Kurt caught sight of a mother having a tea party with her son. A lump formed in Kurt’s throat and he pushed himself even further, running away from the scene as fast as his legs would carry him. Kurt’s mother used to have tea parties with him. What would she say if she saw her son now? Would she be ashamed of the person he had become? Kurt couldn’t blame her. He deserved it. Hell, he was ashamed of himself, regardless of Blaine’s attempts to rid him of his shame.

I am already here,

Down on my knees.

I am already here.

Oh, no, I am already here.

I must have told you a thousand times I am not running away.

I won't duck and run.

I won't duck and run.

I won't duck and run.

No, I pass away.

As he reached the exit of the park, Kurt slowed to a jog. He wasn’t yet ready to return home but he knew Blaine would be worried if he didn’t. Kurt had already stalled long enough, having stopped on the way home for a quick salad. He knew he wouldn’t be able to endure the dinner table with Finn and Rachel’s sympathetic looks while Blaine watched him worriedly. He got that enough without adding the events of the day.

This world can turn me down.

But I won't turn away.

And I won't duck and run.

‘Cause I'm not built that way.

When everything is gone,

There is nothing left to fear.

The world cannot bring me down.

No, ‘cause I am already here.

Kurt’s lungs burned as he walked through the lobby and stepped into the elevator. The elevator ascended too quickly for Kurt’s liking. He paused outside the door to the ground floor of the penthouse, steeling himself for the probing questions he was soon to endure.

This world can turn me down.

But I won't turn away.

And I won't duck and run.

‘Cause I'm not built that way.

When everything is gone,

There is nothing left to fear.

The world cannot bring me down.

No, ‘cause I am already here!

Drawing in a deep breath, Kurt unlocked the door. He heard voices from the kitchen and headed that way. Finn and Rachel were cleaning up from dinner; Blaine was nowhere in sight.

“Hey, Kurt!” Rachel said brightly when she saw him. “How was your audition?”

“I didn’t get the part. But I’m okay,” he added quickly before she could ask. “Where’s Blaine?”

“I think he said he was getting a bath,” Finn answered. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Positive, Finn. I’m going to bed early. Goodnight.” Kurt slipped out of the room before they could utter another word. He hurried up the stairs and into the master bedroom. Kurt dropped his messenger bag on the floor on his way to the bathroom. Blaine was in the bathtub, leaning against the back wall. He looked up when Kurt entered the room.

“You’re home late,” Blaine remarked as Kurt pulled his shirt over his head.

“I went for a run,” Kurt told him as he stripped off his skinny jeans and briefs. He stepped into the tub, sinking into the water. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt’s torso, tugging him backward so he was leaning against him. Kurt sighed happily. Blaine ducked his head, trailing kisses across Kurt’s shoulder and up his neck. Kurt groaned. Even as he tilted his head to give Blaine better access he said, “You better not leave another mark. I’ve gotten enough trouble already for the one you left yesterday.”

“What do you mean?” Blaine asked, pulling away with a frown. He brushed his thumb over the hickey he had left on the left side of Kurt’s neck during their lovemaking the night before.

“Cassie noticed it during class today and asked how much I paid you to agree to marry me,” Kurt said dismally.

“You need to complain to someone, Kurt. She can’t just get away with saying things like that,” Blaine said angrily. He wouldn’t stand for anyone to talk to Kurt that way.

“It wouldn’t do any good,” Kurt said as he began to wash up, signaling the end of the conversation.

Blaine sighed unhappily but didn’t push the issue. Instead he asked, “How did your audition go?”

“Don’t ask,” Kurt replied. He twisted around in the tub so he was facing Blaine and tenderly washed the stress of the day away from his fiancé.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine said sympathetically. “It’s their loss.”

Kurt didn’t reply. He rinsed the suds off of their bodies before climbing out of the tub. Blaine dried them both off. After they both slipped into a pair of briefs and pajama pants, Blaine guided Kurt to their bed and gently pushed him down so he was lying on his stomach. Before he could ask any questions, Blaine was straddling Kurt’s body, a bottle of lotion in one hand. He warmed the lotion in his hands before moving them over Kurt’s back, kneading the tight muscles. Kurt moaned in pleasure, allowing his body to sink further into the mattress as Blaine worked. Before long Kurt was fast asleep but Blaine continued to work the knots out of his muscles until he heard a soft knock from the open door.

“How is he?” Rachel asked as she stepped into the room.

“Somehow he manages to still be tense even when he’s asleep,” Blaine said. He gently rolled Kurt over onto his back before lifting him into his arms.

“Here, let me,” Rachel said, pulling back the covers so Blaine could lay Kurt down.

“Thanks,” Blaine said, pulling the comforter back up over his sleeping fiancé. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s lips before following Rachel out of the room. They joined Finn in the living room.

“I’m worried about him,” Rachel admitted.

“I am too,” Blaine said with a sigh. “But I can’t make him talk if he’s not willing.”

“We’re all worried about him,” Finn said. “Burt’s still calling me every day to check up on him because he can’t get any straight answers out of Kurt.”

“He needs to talk to someone,” Rachel said in exasperation. “Have you talked to him about seeing a therapist again?”

“Burt tried but Kurt refuses,” Blaine answered. “He’s still taking his antidepressant but it’s obviously not helping.”

“So what do we do?” Finn asked.

“I don’t know, Finn. I don’t know.”

They dissolved into silence. Finn was clearly contemplating asking a question but wasn’t sure how it would be received. Finally, Blaine had had enough.

“What is it, Finn?” he asked.

“Has he,” Finn paused before trying again, “Has Kurt . . . he hasn’t hurt himself again, has he?”

“No, he hasn’t,” Blaine answered with complete surety.

“Are you sure? I mean, he could be hiding it from you,” Finn said awkwardly. He didn’t want to sound like he was second guessing Blaine, but he knew Kurt had hidden his self-injurious behavior from everyone before, including Blaine.

“I’m positive,” Blaine replied, trying to keep his temper in line. If anyone would know if Kurt was hurting himself, it would be him.

“But how do you know?” Finn pressed on.

“I’m sleeping with him, Finn!” Blaine finally exclaimed, knowing if he didn’t spell it out Finn would never understand.

“Oh, right,” Finn said, pointedly avoiding Blaine’s gaze. He already knew far too much about his stepbrother’s sex life and didn’t wish to learn any more.

“Look, I’m sorry. I know you’re worried about him. We all are. But as we’ve already established, if Kurt doesn’t want us to help him there’s nothing we can do about it except be there for him when he’s ready to accept assistance. This kills me, but I’m helpless to do anything else,” Blaine said, fighting back his own tears. Rachel laid a comforting hand on his knee. Blaine smiled weakly at her before laying his own hand over hers and placing it on the couch. “I’m going to bed. Good night.”

Blaine climbed the stairs to the master suite, trying to ignore the feeling of his heart breaking. He hated how powerless he felt. Walking into the bedroom, Blaine smiled to see Kurt still sleeping. He always looked so peaceful as he slept. Blaine slipped into bed beside him, chuckling as Kurt immediately curled into his side, sensing his presence even in his sleep. Berlioz jumped up onto the bed, cuddling up to Blaine’s other side. He stroked the kitten’s soft fur several times before fully relaxing back into the mattress. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s temple before allowing himself to fall into a deep sleep.

K/B

Thursday September 20, 2012

Kurt knew Blaine would be disappointed if he saw him now. He was standing in a stall in the boy’s bathroom outside his dance class, staring down at the scars that already marred his flesh. A razorblade was clasped in his right hand, poised over his skin, ready to make more marks. The worst part was Kurt didn’t feel the least bit guilty as he pressed the edge of the blade into his stomach. His emotions bled out as Kurt lowered the blade to his skin again and again. He was careful to keep the cuts shallow, but as the feelings had changed he resorted to making more cuts than he usually would.

Drawing in a deep breath in relief, Kurt quickly bandaged his wounds before changing into his workout clothes. He focused on the sting of his fresh wounds as he entered the dance room. As long as he kept the pain in the forefront of his mind, Cassandra July couldn’t touch him.

“You’ll have to lose at least twenty pounds if you want to achieve anything,” Cassie criticized as she observed Kurt’s dancing.

Kurt looked down at himself. He could stand to lose a few pounds. Surprised that he actually agreed with Cassie, Kurt realized her comment hadn’t hurt. His experiment had proved true. By hurting himself before class, Kurt made himself strong enough to withstand any comments sent his way. Now he just had to keep the truth from Blaine.

K/B

Friday October 5, 2012

Blaine was increasingly worried about his fiancé. Kurt was growing more and more distant from everyone in his life. Not only was he having trouble sleeping, with Blaine waking him from nightmares almost every night, but he was losing weight. Despite Blaine’s insistence that Kurt was far from overweight, he had begun a strict diet. He cut his portions in half and most mornings he skipped breakfast all together. He had also taken up running in Gramercy Park every evening and using the equipment in the exercise room in his free time.

Kurt continued to hurt himself before each dance class. Cassie July’s comments rolled right off of him which only encouraged his self-injurious behavior. Fall was settling into New England which made it easier to hide his body away from Blaine. He knew Blaine would be disgusted if he saw his body, fat and mutilated by his own hand. Kurt took to wearing long-sleeves to bed, claiming to do so to combat the cold weather. Kurt also refused sex, which Blaine blamed on his depression. He knew depression could lead to a decrease in sex drive and didn’t push the issue. He missed the closeness they shared when they made love, but he would never force Kurt to do anything. Things were only getting worse, and Blaine knew he had to do something.

“We need to talk,” Blaine said one night when Kurt entered their bedroom, fresh out of the shower. That was the other thing; Kurt constantly hid his body away from Blaine. They no longer bathed together and Kurt wouldn’t even change in front of him. Blaine was worried that he had been hurting himself but he trusted Kurt to come to him if he did. No, surely this was a result of Kurt’s low self-esteem.

“About what?” Kurt asked, trying to hide his worry. Had Blaine seen his new scars or fresh wounds?

“I’m worried about you. You’re pulling away from me. You won’t talk to me. Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” Blaine asked.

“Nothing’s going on,” Kurt said.

“Don’t lie to me, Kurt. I just want to talk to you.” Blaine got up on his knees.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Kurt insisted.

Blaine reached out for Kurt’s hand, pulling him towards him. Kurt sat on the edge of the bed. Blaine drew in a deep breath as he began to sing.

Oh, brother I can't, I can't get through.

I've been trying hard to reach you ‘cause I don't know what to do.

Oh, brother I can't believe it's true.

I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you.

Oh, I wanna talk to you.

You can take a picture of something you see.

In the future where will I be?

You can climb a ladder up to the sun.

Or write a song nobody has sung.

Or do something that's never been done.

Blaine was terrified. He had never been so scared in his life, except for when he had found Kurt unconscious on the floor surrounded by his own blood. He felt completely hopeless and didn’t know what to do. Kurt was so far out of his reach. All Blaine wanted was for him to talk, but he refused. How could things ever get better if he refused to talk?

Are you lost or incomplete?

Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?

Tell me how you feel.

Well, I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak.

And they're talking it to me.

Kurt was lost inside his own head. He felt the only thing keeping him sane was hurting himself. His entire being had shattered and try as he might, he couldn’t put the puzzle back together again. So Kurt stopped trying. He was tired of being disappointed and he knew if he kept on it would only get worse. So he disappeared further into himself, protecting himself from the inevitable pain.

So you take a picture of something you see.

In the future where will I be?

You can climb a ladder up to the sun.

Or a write a song nobody has sung.

Or do something that's never been done.

Do something that's never been done.

Blaine didn’t know what was going to happen. He wanted Kurt to get better but he didn’t know how to help him. If only Kurt would talk to him. But he wouldn’t. And Blaine didn’t know what to do.

So you don't know where you're going, and you wanna talk.

And you feel like you're going where you've been before.

You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored.

Nothing's really making any sense at all.

Let's talk, let's talk.

Let's talk, let's talk.

They were right back at the beginning. Kurt was getting worse, but he didn’t see it. He thought he was better. Cassie’s comments no longer hurt him and he finally felt like he had some control over his life through dieting and exercise. Kurt didn’t feel like anything made sense in his life, except for his self-destructive behavior.

“I don’t know what to do,” Blaine admitted.

“There’s nothing to do,” Kurt replied. “I’m fine.” He brushed his lips against Blaine’s cheek before disappearing down the stairs. He walked into the kitchen and began pulling milk, flour, eggs, sugar, vanilla and chocolate chips out of the refrigerator and cabinets. Baking had always provided him a little comfort, even if he wouldn’t eat the cookies as they were fattening. He knew Finn would probably eat the entire batch before tomorrow.

Kurt focused on baking, able to forget his problems as he mixed together the ingredients. Unfortunately, the cookies didn’t take long to cook. Kurt pulled the cookies out of the oven, setting them on a hot pad. He used a spatula to transfer the cookies from the cookie sheet to the cooling rack.

“Ouch!” Kurt cried out when his forearm brushed against the cookie sheet. The pain saturated his brain, offering relief he hadn’t known he needed.

Kurt pressed his arm against the pan once more, keeping it there longer this time. When he pulled it away, he inspected the burn. The skin was bright red. Kurt didn’t bother to run cold water over it, instead choosing one of the cookies and taking a bite. He froze as he chewed the last bite of his second cookie, realizing what he had done. Kurt ran down the hall to the bathroom. Kneeling in front of the toilet, he stuck his fingers all the way to the back of his throat. He emptied the contents of his stomach, surprised at how much better he felt now that his stomach was empty. Kurt knew instantly he had found two more ways to control his anxiety. Oddly enough, the thought didn’t scare him. It relieved him. He could get through this as long as he could stay strong. As long as he could hurt himself, he could stay strong.