Chapter Four:  Fine Again

Wednesday September 12, 2012

 Kurt’s perspective had changed greatly over the past week. He had never missed his father this badly in his life. In fact, he had never been away from his father for this long. It didn’t help matters that Cooper Anderson was arriving for a short visit with Blaine later that evening. Kurt wouldn’t dare admit it aloud but he was jealous. Blaine got to see his brother but Kurt’s father was still in faraway Lima, Ohio. Of course he had Finn living with him but he still missed his dad.

Kurt tried to distract himself. He had found a local off-Broadway theater that was holding auditions for The Sound of Music. Kurt had immediately signed up, auditioning for the role of Rolf Grubel, Liesl von Trapp’s love interest. He had poured all of his effort into preparing for his audition in addition to his school work. Today Kurt had gone to the theater to see if he had gotten the part. He hadn’t.

Fighting back his tears, Kurt had walked home. Finn and Rachel greeted him from the living room as Kurt passed the doorway on his way to the staircase. He waved dismally before climbing the stairs to the master suite. Glancing into the bedroom, Kurt saw Berlioz curled up asleep on the bed but no Blaine. He turned left and peered into their study. The room wasn’t too big nor was it too small. The walls were painted a deep red and the floor was hardwood. There were two large windows set into the north wall, looking out over the outdoor room. A window seat was in the left corner, continuing about halfway down the west wall. An L-shaped desk was pushed into the corner of the west wall, opposite the window seat. Five bookcases along the south and east walls were overflowing with books. In the right corner of the north wall was another L-shaped desk. At this desk sat Blaine.

“Hey, babe,” Blaine said brightly as he heard Kurt enter the room. Kurt didn’t reply but instead settled into the corner of the window seat. At the lack of response, Blaine turned around. One look at his fiancé’s face and Blaine asked, “What’s wrong?”

No longer able to fight them, Kurt dissolved into tears. Blaine was instantly by his side, pulling him into his arms. He held Kurt tightly, rocking him gently as he cried. It seemed like forever before Kurt’s tears finally subsided and he pulled himself away from Blaine.

“What happened?” Blaine asked.

“I didn’t get the part,” Kurt said sadly. “Why can’t something just go right for a change?”

“Oh, baby. Things won’t always be this way. Here, I’ve been working on something.” Blaine reached for his guitar where it sat beside the window seat. He set it in his lap, looking up at Kurt as he began to play.

And it’s a sad picture, the final blow hits you.

Somebody else gets what you wanted again and

You know it’s all the same, another time and place.

Repeating history and you’re getting sick of it.

But I believe in whatever you do.

And I’ll do anything to see it through.

Every time things finally began to look up, they all went to hell again. Kurt was tired of it all. He just wanted to be happy but it seemed like that would never happen. But Blaine had faith that things would get better and he had faith that Kurt would be happy.

Because these things will change.

Can you feel it now?

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down.

This revolution, the time will come

For us to finally win.

And we’ll sing hallelujah, we’ll sing hallelujah.

They couldn’t always lose, Blaine knew that. It was only a matter of time before they came out the victors. Life had been hard on both of them, but things were different now. They had so many opportunities now that never would have been possible in Ohio. That alone gave Blaine hope.

So we’ve been outnumbered,

Raided and now cornered.

It’s hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair.

We’re getting stronger now.

Find things they never found.

They might be bigger,

But we’re faster and never scared.

You can walk away, say we don’t need this.

But there’s something in your eyes

Says we can beat this.

Kurt was ready to give up. It seemed like he had been fighting his entire life and he was ready to surrender. Life just wasn’t fair and it never would be fair and nothing Kurt did could ever change that. So what was the point?

Because these things will change.

Can you feel it now?

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down.

This revolution, the time will come

For us to finally win.

And we’ll sing hallelujah, we’ll sing hallelujah.

But Blaine would not allow Kurt to give up. After everything they had been through, Kurt couldn’t give up now. He had come so far. And if he threw it all away now, Blaine knew the fight would only be harder than ever before.

Tonight we’ll stand, get off our knees.

Fight for what we’ve worked for all these years.

And the battle was long, it’s the fight of our lives;

But we’ll stand up champions tonight.

So Blaine had to have faith. He would not allow Kurt to fall. He would hold him up when his knees gave out and remind him of all the reasons he had to continue the fight. Yes, the crusade was far from over but it would be even longer if Kurt lost hope completely.

It was the night things changed.

Can you see it now?

These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down.

It’s a revolution, throw your hands up

Cause we never gave in.

And we sang hallelujah, we sang hallelujah.

Hallelujah!

Blaine set his guitar aside, smiling when Kurt climbed into his lap. The song had lifted Kurt’s spirits a little. He knew Blaine would never give up on him, even when he gave up on himself. Kurt buried his face in the crook of Blaine’s neck. They sat that way for a while until Blaine finally looked at the grandfather clock beside his guitar.

“I have to go get Cooper from the airport,” Blaine said softly. He didn’t want to leave Kurt, not when he was like this, but he had promised Cooper he would be there to greet him. “Will you be okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” Kurt assured him.

“Are you sure? I can just tell him to catch a cab if you don’t want me to go,” Blaine said doubtfully.

“No, you told him you’d pick him up. I’ll take a hot bath and relax until you get back,” Kurt told him. He repeated, “I’ll be fine.”

"If you’re sure. . . . Call me if you need me and I’ll come straight back. Finn and Rachel are downstairs if you need them,” Blaine said, pressing a kiss to Kurt’s forehead.

“Stop worrying and go,” Kurt said with a smile. He kissed Blaine’s lips before lightly pushing him towards the door.

The trip to the airport and back took an hour. Cooper had been happy to see his little brother. Blaine was glad they were repairing their fractured relationship after all this time. He had listened to Cooper talk animatedly about his latest audition in Los Angeles, doing his best to hide the fact that his thoughts were still with Kurt. The second they arrived at the penthouse Blaine helped Cooper drop his things off in the guest room before hurrying up the stairs to the master suite. He was fully expecting to find Kurt still in the bathtub and was surprised when he saw him curled up on top of the covers on their queen size bed with Berlioz laying in the crook of his knees. Blaine smiled, gently maneuvering Kurt and the kitten so he could pull the covers up over him. He brushed his hair back from his forehead, pressing a gentle kiss to the smooth skin. Kurt stirred but didn’t wake. Blaine left him to sleep, returning downstairs to his brother.

“Where’s Kurt?” Cooper asked when Blaine entered the living room. Finn and Rachel were there as well, sitting diagonal from Cooper on the U-shaped couch.

“He’s asleep,” Blaine answered as he slumped onto the couch opposite his brother. “He had a bad day so I left him to sleep.”

“What happened?” Finn asked.

“Remember he tried out for The Sound of Music at that off-Broadway theater? He found out today he didn’t get the part,” Blaine said with a heavy sigh.

“Oh no, is he all right? I was worried when he didn’t say anything when he came home. I checked on him after you left but he was in the bathroom,” Rachel asked worriedly.

“He’s understandably upset,” Blaine answered.

“He didn’t-” Finn began to ask.

"No,” Blaine answered sharply, cutting him off as his eyes flew to his brother, hoping he had missed Finn’s question and Blaine’s panicked reaction. Unfortunately, Cooper had always been the most observant at the least opportune moments.

“He didn’t what?” Cooper asked. Mercifully, a timer sounded from the kitchen and Rachel immediately jumped to her feet.

“Dinner’s ready!” Rachel exclaimed. She bustled out of the room and, thankful for the interruption, Blaine hurried after her.

“Are you going to be okay on your own while I’m in class tomorrow?” Blaine asked his brother as he cut the homemade pepperoni pizza into eighths.

“I’ll be fine, Squirt. It’s not like this is my first time in the Big Apple,” Cooper reminded him as he took two slices of pizza for himself.

“Do you want to meet me for lunch tomorrow? Kurt’s going to the library so it’ll just be us,” Blaine asked.

“Sounds good,” Cooper agreed.

When everyone had finished eating, Blaine cleaned up the kitchen as Rachel had cooked. Rachel and Finn retired to their bedroom. Blaine exited the kitchen to find Cooper in the living room, flicking through the latest addition of Vogue. As Blaine joined him on the couch, Cooper set the magazine aside.

“So,” Cooper began, “you asked Kurt to marry you.”

“I did,” Blaine said with a smile. It seemed like just yesterday he had been down on one knee on the staircase where he and Kurt met at Dalton, but in reality three months had passed.

“I envy you,” Cooper said.

Blaine was shocked. Cooper had never shown any signs of jealousy in his life, except for when someone got a part he wanted. He looked at his brother with wide, surprised eyes.

“You envy me?”

“Is that so surprising?” Cooper asked with a laugh. “Bee, you and Kurt have something that many people spend their entire life searching for and some never find it. You’re so incredibly lucky to have found that at such a young age.”

Blaine blushed. “I never knew you could love so strongly, deeply, passionately until I met Kurt. You’ll have that too someday, Coop. There’s a perfect girl out there waiting for you somewhere. You just have to find her.”

Cooper smiled brightly. “I’m sure I will. Night, Bee.”

“Night, Coop,” Blaine replied as Cooper clasped him on the shoulder before disappearing down the hall.

K/B

Thursday September 13, 2012

“Kurt,” Blaine said softly. Kurt snuggled his head deeper into his pillow. Blaine smiled, pressing his lips to Kurt’s exposed throat. He trailed kisses up to his lips, smiling when Kurt responded to his touch. When he pulled back, sleepy blue-green eyes were gazing back at him. “Good morning.”

Kurt groaned, rolling over and resting his head on Blaine’s thigh. Blaine carded his hand through Kurt’s hair.

“What time is it?” Kurt murmured after a while.

“Six o’clock in the morning,” Blaine answered. “You’ve been asleep since you came home yesterday.”

“Oh, crap! Why didn’t you wake me up?” Kurt asked, sitting up. “I told Rachel I’d help her with our dance number.”

“You needed rest. I know you haven’t been sleeping well, love. And don’t worry about Rachel. She understood,” Blaine assured him, rubbing his back comfortingly.

“You told her?” Kurt asked. There was no anger in his voice, only resignation.

“She was worried about you. She could tell you were upset when you came home,” Blaine told him.

“I’m fine,” Kurt said immediately, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

“Except you’re not,” Blaine disagreed. “You’re not fine, Kurt. Remember what Dr. Madsen said about pretending you’re okay when you’re not.”

Kurt sighed unhappily, tears filling his eyes as he slid off the bed. “Please don’t, Blaine. Just don’t.”

“I can’t make you talk about it, Kurt, but we both know it’s unhealthy to put up this façade so you can run away from your problems,” Blaine said, moving towards Kurt. Kurt allowed Blaine to pull him into his arms for a moment before he took a few steps back, putting distance between them.

“I’m going to get dressed. I’ll see you tonight,” Kurt said. He pressed a quick kiss to Blaine’s lips and disappeared into his closet before Blaine could protest. Blaine longed to go after him but he knew if he pushed Kurt any further to talk he would only lash out. So Blaine grabbed his messenger bag from the study and left for his first class.

Kurt took his time getting ready for the day. After he couldn’t stall any longer he descended the stairs and walked into the kitchen. As expected, Rachel and Finn were at the table eating breakfast. Rachel looked up as he came into the room.

“Morning,” Rachel said brightly as she poured cereal into a bowl.

“Morning,” Kurt replied, walking to the Keurig.

“How are you?” she asked.

“I’ll be okay,” Kurt said. He hoped that would satisfy her. He wasn’t lying outright.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Rachel questioned.

"No, I don’t,” Kurt replied stiffly as he set about making coffee.

“Dude, I get you’re upset and everything but there’ll be other auditions,” Finn said as he continued to shovel Frosted Flakes into his mouth.

Kurt froze. He had managed to hold his temper in place when talking to Rachel but something inside him snapped.

“Do you know why they rejected me, Finn?” Kurt asked sharply. “They said I was too effeminate. I wasn’t masculine enough. I couldn’t pass as a heterosexual male.”

“Oh, Kurt,” Rachel gasped.

“No. Don’t,” Kurt said, pushing back from the counter.

“Come on, Kurt, don’t be like this. Things are so much better now!” Finn continued, obviously not knowing when to stop.

“Thanks, Finn. I’ll try to remember that,” Kurt said sarcastically before exiting the room, coffee forgotten. He climbed the stairs to the master suite, pacing the room as he tried to calm himself down. He was so angry at his stepbrother; he just wanted to yell and scream until he was too hoarse to make a sound. Instead he turned on his iHome and scrolled through the playlist until he found the song he wanted.

It seems like every day’s the same

And I’m left to discover on my own.

It seems like everything is gray

And there’s no color to behold.

They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah.

Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here.

Kurt was so tired of feeling this way. Every time things began to look up, they went to hell again. Things were beginning to fall apart all over again and no matter how hard he tried, Kurt was powerless to stop it. And here Finn was telling him everything was better and that he shouldn’t be upset.

And I am aware now of how

Everything’s gonna be fine one day.

Too late, I’m in hell.

I am prepared now.

Seems everyone’s gonna be fine.

One day too late, just as well.

Before when Kurt was still self-injuring, everyone had told him things would get better. One day, everything would be okay again. But Kurt didn’t feel that things had ever gotten better or would ever get better. He was in his own personal hell.

I feel the dream in me expire

And there’s no one left to blame it on.

I hear you label me a liar

‘Cause I can’t seem to get this through.

You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah.

Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here?

With each passing day, Kurt’s hope was fading. He was coming to accept his dreams as just that, dreams that would never become reality. With each passing day, it was harder for Kurt to remember why he shouldn’t hurt himself. Most days he just didn’t want to try anymore.

And I am aware now of how

Everything’s gonna be fine one day.

Too late, I’m in hell.

I am prepared now.

Seems everyone’s gonna be fine.

One day too late; just as well.

Every day, Kurt forced himself to remember the pain he had inadvertently caused Blaine and his family each time he hurt himself. That alone kept him from giving in, but there were some days where Kurt wanted to rid himself of the emotional pain, no matter the costs.

And I’m not scared now.

I must assure you.

You’re never gonna get away

And I’m not scared now.

And I’m not scared now, no. . . .

At the beginning, Kurt had been so hopeful that New York would be all he had ever dreamed it was. But that was far from the truth. He felt alone, even with Blaine, Finn, and Rachel’s constant presence. Cassie July’s comments with each class period were wearing him down. Kurt just couldn’t do it anymore. But he had no choice. He couldn’t drop the class as he needed it to graduate. He would just have to find some way to endure the pain.

I am aware now of how

Everything’s gonna be fine one day.

Too late, I’m in hell.

I am prepared now.

Seems everyone’s gonna be fine.

One day too late, just as well.

I am prepared now.

Seems everything’s gonna be fine for me,

For me; for myself.

For me, for me, for myself.

For me, for me, for myself.

I am prepared now for myself.

I am prepared now and I am fine . . . again.

Kurt took a few minutes to pull himself together before grabbing his messenger bag. He exited the penthouse through the dressing room, hoping to leave without seeing Finn. He waited for the elevator and when the doors finally opened he stepped in and pushed the button for the ground floor. The elevator began its descent but to Kurt’s frustration it only went down one floor before stopping once more. The doors opened and Rachel entered the elevator from the bottom floor of the penthouse.

“Trying to leave without me?” Rachel asked knowingly.

“I didn’t want to see Finn,” Kurt answered, pressing the button so the elevator doors would close.

"Finn’s never been good at emotions, Kurt. You know that. But he’s trying. He’s trying for you,” Rachel said.

“I never asked him to!” Kurt snapped. Rachel’s eyes grew wide in shock. Kurt sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m not angry at you. Finn just needs to understand. I damn well have a reason to be depressed. I have depression.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll talk to him,” Rachel offered.

“No, don’t. Just let it go,” Kurt pleaded.

“If you’re sure,” Rachel said slowly.

“I am,” Kurt assured her. He knew talking to Finn would only make things worse. Finn just didn’t understand and Kurt wasn’t sure that he ever would. As Rachel had said, Finn had never been good with emotions.

K/B

Kurt did his best to pay attention through his first class but his mind would not stop racing. He was actually glad when it was time for his dance class with Cassie July as he knew he would have to concentrate or risk Cassie’s wrath. The class was flying by much too quickly for Kurt’s liking. He knew the second it ended he would not be able to control his thoughts once more.

“Pear Hips!” Cassie’s voice cut through the room. Kurt looked up, suppressing a sigh. This could not be good. “Where did you learn to dance? You look constipated. You’ll never make it on Broadway looking like you’re about to poo yourself.”

Kurt bit on his lip hard but didn’t reply. The second class was dismissed, Kurt threw his messenger bag over his shoulder and sprinted from the room. Rachel grabbed her things and hurried after him but it was too late. Kurt was nowhere to be seen.

K/B

Blaine was at the café he frequented with Kurt, Rachel and Finn. He had suggested it to Cooper for lunch, who readily agreed. They had just entered the building when his phone rang. Blaine frowned when he saw Rachel’s name flash across the screen.

“Hey, Rach. What’s up?” Blaine asked as he followed Cooper over to a booth.

“Have you heard from Kurt?” Rachel asked. She was out of breath, gasping into the phone.

“No. Why?” Blaine asked. His heart sunk instantly at Rachel’s question.

“Cassie insulted him during dance class. He ran out and I haven’t been able to find him. He won’t answer his phone,” Rachel said, on the verge of hysterics.

“Okay, calm down. I’m sure he just needs a moment to himself,” Blaine said more to assure himself than her.

“I can’t find him, Blaine!” Rachel said, her tears bubbling over and streaming down her cheeks.

“Rachel, I will find him, okay? Just go to your next class. I’ll call you when I find him,” Blaine promised.

“But-”

“You know Kurt doesn’t like a lot of people around him when he’s like this, Rachel. Just go to class.”

“Okay,” Rachel said, wiping tears from her cheeks.

“I’ll call you,” Blaine promised before hanging up. He was dialing Kurt’s number in the next second, grabbing his coat and sliding out of the booth. He said to a confused Cooper, “We have to go.”

Kurt’s phone rang and rang but he never answered. Blaine cursed as the voicemail picked up, redialing the number. He sprinted out of the café, not even looking to see if Cooper was following him.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Cooper demanded as he ran after his brother.

"Kurt ran out of his dance class and Rachel can’t find him,” Blaine said. Cooper continued to probe him for more information but Blaine ignored him as he frantically dialed Kurt’s number once more. Cooper gave up, following after his brother in silence.

K/B

Kurt took the elevator straight to the master suite of the penthouse. He dropped his messenger bag on the floor of the dressing room, stripping off his clothes the second he entered the bathroom. Kurt opened Blaine’s drawer, pulling out one of his razor cartridges. He tore the cartridge apart until the blades were free of their confines and resting in the palm of his hand. Kurt placed one blade on the counter, hiding the others so Blaine would not be able to find them. Then he turned on the shower and stepped inside.

His thoughts were not of his fiancé, his father, his stepmother and stepbrother, or his best friend. All of his thoughts were on the release he so desperately needed. For the first time in five months, Kurt sliced into his flesh. He felt the pain of the new wound, but it wasn’t like it was supposed to be. It wasn’t enough. It was like he was feeling the pain through a veil. So he cut into his flesh again and again, each one deeper than the last, until he finally felt nothing but physical pain. The emotional pain had left him.

K/B

It seemed like hours before they reached Gramercy Park Hotel. Blaine flew through the lobby and straight to the elevator, pushing a startled couple out of the way as they were stepping into the open doors of the lift. Cooper apologized even as he followed after his brother. Blaine inserted his key and pushed the button for the upper level of the penthouse, knowing if Kurt was home he would seek solace in their bedroom.

The elevator doors opened and Blaine ran straight through the dressing room, turning left into the bathroom. The shower was running. Blaine spun to the right, gasping at the sight that greeted him. Kurt was standing towards the back of the shower, out of the way of the water’s spray. He held a razorblade in his right hand. There were at least twenty cuts bleeding freely. His stomach, his thighs, and both forearms were covered in blood. Blaine knew instantly Kurt needed medical attention.

“What the hell?” Cooper exclaimed behind Blaine.

Kurt’s head snapped in their direction. He caught sight of Blaine and his knees gave out as he gasped, “It’s not right. It feels different. It’s not right.”

Blaine rushed forwards, turning off the water as he stepped into the shower. Blaine lifted Kurt into his arms, carrying him out of the shower. Cooper had found a towel and draped it over Kurt’s trembling body. Blaine set him on the closed toilet seat, wrapping the towel around Kurt’s waist. He saw Kurt’s boxer briefs on the ground and slipped them up his legs. Removing the towel from Kurt’s waist, Blaine moved it to his right forearm which had the deepest cuts. Five long months had passed since Kurt’s last relapse, and as with most relapses, these cuts were deep. Blaine did his best to staunch the bleeding, holding the towel tightly around Kurt’s forearm. He looked up into Kurt’s sad blue-green eyes. And Kurt said in the most heartbroken voice Blaine had ever heard,

“It didn’t work, Blainey, it didn’t work. I tried harder and harder and it didn’t. . . . It didn’t work.”