Chapter Twenty-Three: Thoughts in My Mind

“To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first.” – William Shakespeare, Henry VIII

Monday December 10, 2012

Kurt had been at S.A.F.E. Alternatives for a week. He was amazed how relaxed he felt locked away from the outside world. That calm did not last during his therapy sessions, both with the group and individually. He was thankful he could find peace in sleep at least. Every night he fell into bed, exhausted after a long day of continuous therapy. Kurt was glad he managed to fall asleep quickly, otherwise he knew he would miss Blaine even more than he already did.

Blaine was doing his best to keep himself busy while Kurt had therapy. The first weekend he had attended the support group for loved ones of patients. He had bought a new guitar from a local music store and after the owner of a small café heard him testing the instrument, had landed a job performing for tips during the busy lunch hours. Every day, Blaine played at the café from twelve to two. Then he spent the rest of the evening with Kurt until it was time for Kurt’s evening group session.

Kurt was glad Blaine had found ways to keep himself busy. His own days were planned for him and he had worried Blaine would grow bored and return to New York. Blaine was not about to leave Kurt in a strange city, something Kurt now realized.

Blaine’s presence was soothing for Kurt. After a particularly hard session he couldn’t wait to feel Blaine’s strong arms envelope him. Kurt’s anxiety may have left but he was still battling his depression. In fact, Kurt had been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.

Following the diagnosis, Blaine had spent hours on his laptop doing research. He was alarmed by what his initial searches showed. Reports of higher suicide rates, shorter life expectancy and an unavoidable lifetime of depression frightened Blaine. He spoke of his fears during group and was relieved to hear he was not alone in his worries. The counselor assured Blaine that with proper treatment – consisting of a regime of medications and therapy – Kurt could live a long, happy life.

Kurt took the diagnosis much better, perhaps because he had other things to focus his mind on. He struggled every day with urges to self-harm whether it was to cut into his own skin, burn his flesh, or purge the food that he ingested. Kurt knew there was no way he could restrict food, not under the watchful eye of the counselors and nurses. Just that morning a pair of formerly loose pants fit him tighter and Kurt instantly felt a black cloud surround him. The jeans in question were skinny jeans of course, but with all the weight Kurt had lost they had become loose. Now they were almost back to fitting the way they were supposed to.

After lunch, Kurt was not permitted to enter the bathroom until thirty minutes after each meal. He was watched carefully while he ate. The doctors did their best to act normal but Kurt knew they watched him. They took note of what he ate and how much. He hated the attention. Currently, he was waiting for Blaine to visit. He knew he would be under supervision until the thirty minutes were up and had resigned himself to the fact. With a sigh, he plopped down on the piano bench and raised his hands over the keys.

We come into this world unknown.

But know that we are not alone.

They try and knock us down.

But change is coming, it's our time now.

Hey… everybody loses it.

Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes.

And hey… yeah I know what you're going through.

Don't let it get the best of you; you'll make it out alive.

Oh!

Kurt’s urges were still there. He struggled with them daily. Most times he did not know why he felt the sudden urge to hurt himself. There was no trigger that preceded the urge. All he knew was the twitch he felt in his wrists as the need set in.

People like us, we've gotta stick together.

Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever.

Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten.

It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

We are all misfits living in a world on fire.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

Sing it for the people like us, the people like us.

Surrounded by people who were struggling with the same urges helped Kurt. The first week at S.A.F.E. he wore his usual long-sleeved shirts, but after he saw others walking around in short-sleeves with their scars bared without a second thought he did the same. Seeing his scars reminded him of why he could not allow himself to give in and hurt himself. He would not intentionally leave another mark on his skin.

Hey, this is not a funeral.

It's a revolution, after all your tears have turned to rage.

Just wait, everything will be okay.

Even when you're feeling like it's going down in flames.

Oh!

His second day at S.A.F.E., Kurt had been instructed to make a list of reasons to not self-harm. He took to reading this list every day as a reminder. Now he could repeat the list to himself as a mantra whenever the urges to self-harm became particularly bad.

People like us, we've gotta stick together.

Keep your head up nothing lasts forever.

Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten.

It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

We are all misfits living in a world on fire.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

Sing it for the people like us, the people like us.

Blaine had never been more proud of his fiancé. Kurt tried his hardest every day so that he could get better. He tried for himself, not just for Blaine. He wanted to get better so they could return to New York City and finally live the life they had always wanted. Kurt knew that life was only possible if he gave up his self-harm completely.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

You've just gotta turn it up loud when the flames get higher.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

Sing it for the people like us, the people like us.

They can't do nothing to you, they can't do nothing to me.

This is the life that we choose, this is the life that we bleed.

So throw your fists in the air, come out, come out if you dare.

Tonight we're gonna change forever.

Blaine stood in the doorway of the dayroom, watching as Kurt’s hands glided over the piano keys. He knew Kurt missed his family and friends. They both did. Blaine hoped the next three weeks would pass quickly.

Everybody loses it, everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes.

Oh!

People like us, we've gotta stick together.

Keep your head up nothing lasts forever.

Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten.

It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

We are all misfits living in a world on fire.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

Sing it for the people like us, the people like us.

Blaine perched on the piano bench beside Kurt; Kurt turned to smile at him but did not stop playing. Blaine was not surprised to find Kurt at the piano. He had received a call from Dr. Edwards that morning. Kurt had barely eaten any breakfast and even less lunch.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

You've just got to turn it up loud when the flames get higher.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

Sing it for the people like us, the people like us.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

We're all misfits living in a world on fire.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

Sing it for the people like us, the people like us.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

You've just got to turn it up loud when the flames get higher.

Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh

Sing it for the people like us, the people like us.

Kurt closed the lid over the piano keys, resting his hands on top of the smooth wood. Blaine offered him his hand, palm up.

“Do you want to go to your room?” Blaine asked.

“We can’t,” Kurt said with a shake of his head. “Tristan is asleep.”

“Let’s go to the courtyard then,” Blaine suggested.

“All right,” Kurt agreed. “Just let me get my coat.”

Blaine waited in the dayroom while Kurt went to fetch his peacoat from his room. He slipped into the warmth of the coat as he made his way out of the unit with Blaine.

“Dr. Edwards called me,” Blaine began when they entered the courtyard.

“I figured he would,” Kurt said dismally. He wiped the snow off of the concrete edge of the fountain in the center of the courtyard and sat down.

“Do you want to tell me why you’re restricting food again?” Blaine asked softly.

“I’m not restricting,” Kurt protested. Blaine gave him a look. “What, I’m not! I’m eating.”

“Barely,” Blaine interjected.

“You don’t know what it’s like!” Kurt exclaimed, his hands shaking as his emotions overwhelmed him.

“Then tell me, Kurt, please! Help me to understand,” Blaine pleaded.

Tears rolled down Kurt’s cheeks and he wiped them away quickly. Finally he said, “I just can’t stop it.”

“Stop what?” Blaine pried carefully.

“The thoughts swimming around my head telling me that I’m fat, that I’m disgusting. That this food has so many calories and if I eat it I’ll gain this much weight. Every bite I take I feel like I’m a failure. I feel the food slide down my throat into my stomach and my only thought is to get it out,” Kurt sobbed.

“Oh baby.” Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms. “Have you shared this with Dr. Edwards or during group?”

“I’m trying,” Kurt answered indirectly.

“I know you are, love, and I’m so proud of you,” Blaine assured him. “But have you let Dr. Edwards know that you’re having these thoughts?”

“We’ve talked about it some,” Kurt said.

“You need to tell him everything,” Blaine said gently.

“I will,” Kurt promised. “I want to get better.”

“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that,” Blaine said, holding Kurt closer. He pressed his cheek to Kurt’s and began to sing.

The world seems not the same,

Though I know nothing has changed.

It's all my state of mind.

I can't leave it all behind.

I have to stand up to be stronger.

Somehow, Blaine had picked the perfect song to emphasize exactly what Kurt was feeling. Now that he was in recovery, Kurt felt like everything should have changed drastically overnight. Except it hadn’t. His thoughts were still consumed with self-harm no matter how hard he tried to push them away.

I have to try

To break free

From the thoughts in my mind.

Use the time that I have

I can say goodbye.

Have to make it right.

Have to fight

'Cause I know in the end it's worthwhile.

That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.

It will be all right.

In a way, Kurt was having to say goodbye to his self-harm. He had relied on different ways of hurting himself to cope with his feelings for a long time and now he had to remember how to feel properly again. He had to stay strong through each urge and every thought.

I know

I should realize

Time is precious.

It is worthwhile.

Despite how I feel inside

Have to trust it'll be alright.

Have to stand up to be stronger.

Everything they had been through had taught them both that life was too short. Kurt didn’t want to waste another moment by giving in to self-harm. He wanted to get better so he could live the happy life he deserved with Blaine.

I have to try

To break free

From the thoughts in my mind.

Use the time that I have

I can say goodbye.

Have to make it right.

Have to fight

'Cause I know in the end it's worthwhile.

That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.

It will be all right.

But that was easier said than done. The thoughts were so loud inside Kurt’s head they easily blocked out any positive ones. That was when he needed Blaine to remind him that he was strong enough to do this. He could beat his self-harm and he would.

Oh, this night is too long.

Have no strength to go on.

No more pain I'm floating away.

Through the mist I see the face

Of an angel, calls my name.

I remember you're the reason I have to stay.

Kurt vowed to do his best to ignore the pro-ana thoughts that plagued him. He would eat every day. He would participate more in group. He would communicate with Dr. Edwards. If he didn’t, rehabilitation would never work and the month in St. Charles would be in vain.

I have to try

To break free

From the thoughts in my mind.

Use the time that I have

I can say goodbye.

Have to make it right.

Have to fight

'Cause I know in the end it's worthwhile.

That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.

It will be all right.

Kurt dried his eyes, pressing a kiss to Blaine’s cheek.

“Thank you,” he said.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Blaine answered. “Just get better.”

“I will. I promise.”

“I love you,” Blaine said, pulling Kurt to his feet.

“I love you too,” Kurt replied as he allowed himself to be led out of the courtyard.

“Forever?” Blaine asked, holding the door open for Kurt.

“Always,” Kurt vowed.