Chapter Twenty-two: I Surrender Honestly

Sunday December 2, 2012

 “That really happened?” a voice asked from over his shoulder.

 Kurt jumped; he thought he was alone. He gathered the papers strewn across the desk and flipped them over so a blank page was on top.

 “That’s private,” Kurt snapped.

 “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to,” the voice said, moving away to the other side of the room.

Kurt paused, glancing down at the papers before him to the seventeen-year-old boy who would be his roommate for the next month. He seemed sad. Mentally, Kurt kicked himself. Of course he was sad. He was inpatient. Kurt sighed. There was no point in keeping secrets. They were all here to air their dirty laundry after all. Kurt turned in his chair to face the brunette.

"Yes, it really happened,” Kurt answered.

“Your school didn’t-”

“You’ll find the schools in Ohio are not very understanding to the plight of the young gay students,” Kurt interrupted. “They allowed it to happen,” Kurt said angrily.

"What did you do?” Tristan asked.

“I ran,” Kurt admitted. “I tried to hurt myself, but my fiancé stopped me. He gave me the courage to go back in and face my critics, which is what I did. I took my crown and then I slow danced with my fiancé in front of the whole school.”

“I wish I was that brave,” Tristan muttered.

“You just have to have courage,” Kurt said, smiling when he thought of Blaine.

The conversation over, Kurt turned back to his work. The assignment was to write his biography, which was proving to be just as painful as Kurt had predicted. He yawned widely. It was only his first full day at S.A.F.E. and he was mentally exhausted. Kurt had broken down crying multiple times and his face felt drawn and tight from all the tears. He had only had time to call Blaine once, begging him to take him home. Blaine had promised he’d visit during Kurt’s free time. Now, he was thirty minutes late and Kurt was beginning to wonder if he was going to show. He considered walking the short distance to the day room to call once more but decided against it. He needed to finish the writing assignment. Besides, he could hardly blame Blaine for not wanting to visit. He didn’t want to be here either; the only difference was Kurt had no choice.

Sighing, Kurt picked up his pencil and began to write again. His ears picked up the sound of the piano from the dayroom and he paused. Then a voice rose up and Kurt was sprinting from the room, leaving a shocked Tristan behind him.

When your tears are spent on your last pretense,

And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.

When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles,

And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while.

Kurt entered the dayroom, his eyes flying to the piano against the far wall. There was Blaine, his hands flying over the keys. His eyes met Kurt’s as he sang.

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up.

And I will hide you when it gets too much.

I'll be right beside you.

I'll be right beside you.

He approached the piano and dropped down onto the piano beside his fiancé. Blaine didn’t break his gaze from Kurt. His hands continued to move across the keyboard with precision. After such a hard day, Kurt longed for physical contact. He rest his hand on Blaine’s thigh but didn’t dare slide closer to him. He didn’t want to disturb him while he played.

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath.

When the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless.

When you try to speak but you make no sound,

And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud.

Kurt wished Blaine would take him away from this place, but he knew he had to stay. After all, Blaine was one of the reasons Kurt was here. Blaine was the reason Kurt had first decided to stop hurting himself. Now he was the one helping Kurt to stick to stopping.

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up.

And I will hide you when it gets too much.

I'll be right beside you.

I'll be right beside you.

I will stay.

Nobody will break you, yeah.

Blaine and Kurt could feel the eyes of everyone in the dayroom on them. They both ignored them. Blaine’s main focus was Kurt. He knew the day had been far from easy for his fiancé and he needed to reassure him that everything would be okay. They would make it through this.

Trust in me, trust in me.

Don't pull away.

Just trust in me, trust in me.

Cause I'm just trying to keep this together,

Because I could do worse and you could do better.

Listening to Blaine’s voice helped Kurt overcome the terrible emotions of the day. He was able to push past the anxiety and pain that plagued him and cherish the love that he felt radiating off of Blaine.

Tears are spent on your last pretense.

And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up.

And I will hide you when it gets too much.

I'll be right beside you.

Nobody will break you.

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up.

And I will hide you when it gets too much.

I'll be right beside you.

Nobody will break you.

The second Blaine’s hands fell from the piano keys Kurt burrowed himself into Blaine’s arms. Blaine held him tightly, knowing it was exactly what Kurt needed to feel better. Blaine became aware of their audience and spoke softly in Kurt’s ear, “Do you want to go to your room?”

Kurt pulled back, nodding. Blaine surprised Kurt by reaching for his guitar case which Kurt had yet to notice and following him away from the crowd in the dayroom and towards the room Kurt shared with Tristan.

“You bought your guitar,” Kurt stated, swinging their arms between them as they walked with hands clasped.

“I just learned a new song,” Blaine answered as Kurt pushed open the door to his room and led Blaine inside, closing the door behind them. “That’s why I’m late. I wanted to be able to play it perfectly for you.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Kurt said with a smile, perching on the end of his bed.

“It’s nothing less than what you deserve,” Blaine replied, sitting beside him.

“You always give me too much credit,” Kurt said, looking away.

“I give credit where credit is due,” Blaine corrected. He looked Kurt over carefully, frowning at the unusual pallor of Kurt’s skin. He was paler than was normal for Kurt Hummel. “I wish this didn’t have to be so hard.”

“We never said it would be easy,” Kurt said with a sigh. A tear escaped to trickle down his cheek. “God, I can’t stop crying today.”

“This is all new and very scary. I’d be worried if you weren’t crying,” Blaine said, wrapping an arm around Kurt’s waist and pulling him into his side. “How did it go with the psychiatrist?”

“His name is Dr. Edwards. He seems nice enough. I think he wants to prescribe a mood stabilizer to add with to my antidepressant,” Kurt said without emotion.

Blaine nodded against Kurt’s head. “I hope you know just how proud I am of you.”

“I don’t deserve it. Not yet at least,” Kurt said. “But I will make you proud of me. I will be someone you can be proud of.”

“You already are,” Blaine promised, his hand coming up to cup the back of Kurt’s head. “You agreed to come all the way out here to get help. And, God, I just don’t know what I would do without you.”

Blaine pressed his lips to Kurt’s, trying to convey all of his love through his touch. They kissed slowly until a knock sounded on the door and they leapt apart like teenagers who’d been caught by their parents. Tristan pushed the door open nervously.

“I-I’m sorry. I just wanted to get my book,” Tristan said, averting his eyes. He didn’t enter the room but seemed to be waiting for permission.

“It’s okay, Tristan. This is your room too,” Kurt said. He felt bad about his outburst earlier. Tristan was heartbreakingly shy already and Kurt was sure he hadn’t helped. Kurt offered him a smile. “Tristan, this is my fiancé. Blaine, this is Tristan Yates.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Blaine said. He pushed himself to his feet, offering his hand out to Tristan.

“You too,” Tristan said awkwardly. His eyes went to Blaine’s outstretched hand. For a second he seemed unsure of himself before he entered the room and shook Blaine’s hand.

“What book are you reading?” Blaine asked, hoping to draw Tristan into a conversation.

Tristan’s eyes had found Blaine’s guitar and he ignored the question, asking Blaine, “You play the guitar?”

"I do,” Blaine said with a smile. “Actually, I brought it to play something for Kurt. Would you like to hear it?”

Tristan looked to Kurt, silently wondering if he minded the intrusion. Kurt smiled encouragingly. Tristan walked around Blaine to sit on his bed.

“Yes, please,” Tristan answered.

Blaine sat down beside Kurt again, pulling his guitar case towards him. He grabbed the instrument and strummed a few times to ensure it was still tuned. Satisfied, he looked up at his fiancé with a smile as he began to sing.

When life leaves you high and dry

I'll be at your door tonight.

If you need help, if you need help

I'll shut down the city lights.

I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe

To make you well, to make you well.

When enemies are at your door

I'll carry you away from more

If you need help, if you need help.

Your hope dangling by a string

I'll share in your suffering

To make you well, to make you well.

Give me reasons to believe

That you would do the same for me.

Kurt knew there was nothing Blaine would not do for him. When he had agreed to go to St. Charles, Missouri for rehab he had expected to travel alone. He had never thought that Blaine would give up a month of his life to travel with him. He had never expected that Blaine would move to a strange city for a month just so Kurt didn’t have to be alone.

And I would do it for you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on

I’ll love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I’ll love you long after you're gone

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

When you fall like a statue

I'm gon' be there to catch you

Put you on your feet, you on your feet.

And if your well is empty

Not a thing will prevent me.

Tell me what you need, what do you need?

I surrender honestly.

You’ve always done the same for me.

Blaine knew Kurt needed him. But what Kurt didn’t know was just how much Blaine needed him as well. The thought of losing Kurt was too much for Blaine to bear. The week Kurt had been unconscious in the hospital had changed them both and their relationship. Yes, they were stronger because of it but Blaine also knew how fragile their lives were. Everything could change in a matter of seconds.

So I would do it for you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on,

I’ll love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I’ll love you long after you're gone

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

You're my back bone.

You're my cornerstone.

You're my crutch when my legs stop moving.

You're my head start.

You're my rugged heart.

You're the pulse that I've always needed.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum my heart never stops beating.

They both knew this would not be easy on their relationship by any means. They had not spent this little time together since Kurt had attended McKinley while Blaine was still enrolled at Dalton. They could only see each other for a few hours every day. Blaine would cherish those hours. He would not let this break them.

For you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on.

I’ll love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I’ll love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on,

I’ll love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I’ll love you long, long after you're gone.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you.

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

I’ll love you long after you're gone, gone, gone.

Kurt was smiling so widely his cheeks hurt. Blaine didn’t have time to move his guitar before Kurt had flung himself into his arms. His injured arm collided hard with the instrument. Kurt cursed loudly. Blaine was instantly pushing him back, one hand on Kurt’s left elbow. He was always careful to avoid touching his left arm lower than his elbow.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked worriedly.

“I’m fine,” Kurt said. “I loved the song. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Blaine said. He allowed Kurt to distract him with a kiss. When they pulled apart Blaine turned to ask Tristan if he had enjoyed the song but the boy was gone. “I guess we scared him off.”

"He’s shy,” Kurt told Blaine needlessly. He explained what had happened earlier.

“I’m sure there’s no lasting damage,” Blaine assured him. “After all, you have a month to build up a relationship with the guy.”

Kurt groaned, flopping backwards so he was stretched out on the bed. “Don’t remind me. A month is far too long to sleep without you.”

“Well, we may not be able to sleep together but we can cuddle for as long as you want,” Blaine told him.

Kurt automatically turned onto his side, leaving enough room behind him for Blaine to fit on the twin mattress. Blaine spooned up behind him, wrapping an arm around Kurt’s waist and pulling him backward so they were pressed flush together.

“I’m so proud of you,” Blaine told him again, pressing a kiss to the back of Kurt’s neck. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Forever?”

“Always.”