Chapter Fourteen:  My Reason to Be Brave

Thursday November 1, 2012

Blaine wasn’t sure how much time passed as he sat by Kurt’s side. It could have been minutes, hours, days, or even weeks. He felt a hand on his shoulder and lifted his head to see Rachel standing beside him.

“You should eat something,” she said.

“I’m not leaving him. I’m not hungry anyway,” Blaine said softly. His stomach chose that inopportune moment to growl. Rachel clearly heard and wasn’t about to back down.

“I’m going down to the cafeteria to get Finn a sandwich. I’ll bring you something back,” Rachel said.

She turned to leave. Blaine jumped to his feet, reaching out to grab Rachel’s hand and stop her.

“Rachel, wait,” Blaine said. She turned to look at him expectantly. “I love you.”

Rachel’s eyes widened in surprise but she understood. With Kurt lying comatose in a hospital bed, they were all reminded that life was too short. Blaine would not waste a moment of his life letting any of his loved ones live without knowing how he felt about them.

“I love you too, Blaine,” Rachel said simply.

Blaine stumbled forwards, wrapping his arms tightly around the girl who had come to be one of his closest friends. He couldn’t stop his tears from flowing; Rachel rubbed comforting circles over Blaine’s shoulder blades, letting him cry. When he pulled back, his face was red with embarrassment.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Don’t be sorry, Blaine. I’m always here for you,” Rachel said with a smile. She embraced him once more before disappearing out the door.

Blaine slumped back into the chair by Kurt’s side. He grasped his hand again. Blaine sat motionless until Rachel returned, pressing a ham and cheese sandwich into his free hand. He thanked her, eating quietly. Blaine was surprised when he looked down to see he had eaten the entire sandwich. He propped his head up on one hand, holding Kurt’s hand with the other. And before he knew it he had slipped into unconsciousness.

K/B

Friday November 2, 2012

When Blaine awoke, he was surprised to discover he was lying on the bench under the windowsill. Finn must have moved him sometime while he slept. He heard hushed voices and focused on what they were saying.

“He refuses to leave,” Rachel was whispering.

“I can’t blame him,” Burt said.

“It’s not healthy,” Finn said.

“Leave him be,” Carole cut in. “He’s hurting. At least he’s sleeping. Right now that’s the best we can ask for. Has he been eating?”

“I brought him a sandwich a few hours ago,” Rachel answered.

Hours ago? How long had he been asleep? Blaine lifted his head, groaning in pain as his head ached in protest. Carole was instantly by his side, helping him into a sitting position.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“My head hurts,” he answered.

“I have some ibuprofen,” Rachel said, digging through her purse.

Carole brushed back the curls from his forehead, pressing a motherly kiss to his temple. Blaine leaned into her side, wishing his own mother were there to comfort him. Rachel gave him some ibuprofen and a bottle of water. Blaine swallowed them down, nodding his thanks.

“You should go home, take a shower; get some rest. You’ll feel better,” Rachel said as she took the water back from him.

“I’m not leaving him,” Blaine repeated for the umpteenth time.

“Blaine-”

“I can shower here; I can have food sent up from the cafeteria,” Blaine interrupted.

“What about clean clothes? You can’t wear those for . . .” Rachel’s voice trailed off, reminding everyone that they didn’t know how long it would be until Kurt woke up.

“I can pick up some things for you at the apartment,” Burt said gruffly.

Blaine looked up in surprise. He figured Burt would be fighting to make him leave as well. Blaine thanked Burt, moving to take his seat by Kurt’s bedside. The others watched him in silence as he took Kurt’s left hand in his, mindful of the bandage on his forearm.

“How are you holding up, sweetie?” Carole asked, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I’m not,” Blaine said brokenly. His voice hitched on the words and he bit down on his lip to keep his tears at bay. He was tired of crying.

Carole noticed this. She squeezed his shoulder, saying, “It’s okay to cry, honey. Don’t bottle it up inside; let it out.”

Blaine fixed his eyes on Kurt’s face, willing him to open his beautiful cerulean eyes. His tears began to fall in earnest. Carole knelt by his side and looking to Burt, had a silent conversation with her husband. Burt nodded, putting a hand on the shoulders of Rachel and Finn.

“Come on, kids. Let’s go get some breakfast from the cafeteria,” Burt said, steering the couple out of the room.

Carole continued to hold Blaine as he cried. When he finally pulled away, wiping his eyes, he asked, “Can I please have a moment?”

“Of course,” she answered immediately. She got to her feet, saying, “I know you’re scared, Blaine, and that’s only natural. But we have to be brave for Kurt. Have courage.”

Blaine heard the door click shut behind her but didn’t move his eyes away from his fiancé. He looked like he was sleeping. If only it were that simple. Carole’s words echoed through his mind:  ‘Have courage.’ Courage:  that was a word that belonged to him and Kurt alone. Blaine didn’t fight back his tears this time; he let them fall as he began to sing.

Wake up, wake up, the sun cannot wait for long.

Reach out; reach out before it fades away.

You will find the warmth when you surrender.

Smile into the fear and let it play.

Blaine had been through difficult times before, but nothing compared to this. Twelve hours had passed since Blaine and Finn had found Kurt bleeding out on the floor of their bedroom. How long would it take Kurt to wake up? Would he ever wake up? Blaine knew until Kurt regained consciousness, he would not be leaving his side.

You wanna run away, run away;

And you say that it can't be so.

You wanna look away, look away;

But you stay 'cause it's all so close.

When you stand up and hold out your hand

In the face of what I don't understand;

My reason to be brave.

As hard as he tried, Blaine could not understand what cutting offered Kurt. Of course, he knew it gave him a reprieve from the pain he felt day in and day out; but Blaine could not imagine ever taking up arms against himself for a moment’s relief. Blaine couldn’t understand because he had never experienced the release Kurt experienced when he cut into his own flesh. Blaine didn’t understand why his self-injury was more important to Kurt than Blaine was.

Hold on; hold on, so strong, times just carries on.

All that you thought was wrong is pure again.

You can't hide forever from the thunder.

Look into the storm and feel the rain.

In the end, that was what it came down to. Kurt knew how it affected Blaine when he hurt himself; Kurt knew Blaine’s deepest fear was finding Kurt bleeding out on the floor. Yet he had continued to hurt himself, eventually going so deep he almost died and Blaine was left to find him once again. All Blaine wanted was for Kurt to get better; all Kurt seemed to want was to hurt himself no matter the consequences.

You wanna run away, run away;

And you say that it can't be so.

You wanna look away, look away;

But you stay 'cause it's all so close.

When you stand up and hold out your hand

In the face of what I don't understand;

My reason to be brave.

Blaine was trying so hard to stay strong. He hated for anyone to see him cry; the only person he was ever comfortable crying in front of was Kurt. But now he couldn’t seem to stop his tears from falling for more than a few minutes at a time. Everyone said they understood and it was okay, but it wasn’t okay. Because Kurt was in a coma; Kurt might not ever wake up. And, God, what would Blaine do if he never awoke? How could he go on without the one person he loved more than anything or anyone else in the world? How could he go on without his soul mate?

Go on, go on!

You wanna run away, run away;

And you say that it can't be so.

You wanna look away, look away;

But you stay 'cause it's all so close.

When you stand up and hold out your hand

In the face of what I don't understand;

My reason to be brave.

Eyes trained on Kurt’s face, Blaine sang the last note. He closed his eyes, trying to block out the pain but knew it was no use. Fumbling for his phone in his pocket, Blaine found himself pressing keys on the dial pad before he was quite aware of what he was doing.

“Hey, Squirt! You won’t believe what my manager-”

“Coop,” Blaine said in a broken whisper. A sob tore from his throat before Blaine could stop it.

“Blaine, what’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay? Are Mom and Dad okay?” Cooper asked frantically through the phone, fearing something terrible had happened to his baby brother.

“I-it’s K-Kurt,” Blaine stammered. “He d-did it ag-gain.”

“What do you mean he did it again? Did what again?” Cooper asked, trying to understand.

“He went too d-deep,” Blaine sobbed. “Now he’s lying unconscious in the hospital. He had two heart attacks! What am I supposed to do, Coop? What am I supposed to do?”

“It’s going to be okay, Blaine. It’s going to be okay. You said this has happened before and Kurt pulled through then, he’ll do it again. He’s a fighter. Where are you now?”

“I’m at Bellevue. I haven’t left his side since the doctor let me see him. It was so bad, Coop. There was blood everywhere. He had multiple blood transfusions; he had to have surgery! He cut through his tendons and nerves; it took over eleven-hundred stitches. He might have p-permanent nerve damage. He might not wake up,” Blaine said so quickly Cooper had trouble catching the words.

“Where are Finn and Rachel?” Cooper asked.

“They went to the cafeteria with Kurt’s parents. I asked to be alone,” Blaine answered.

“You may want to be alone but I don’t think you should be right now, Bee. Why don’t you call them and see when they’re coming back? I’m going to take the first flight I can out of L.A., okay?” Cooper said as calmly as possible given the circumstances.

“You don’t have to-”

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to. You’re my little brother, Bee, and whether you want to admit it or not you need me right now.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. I’ll call you as soon as I know when my flight is. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Blaine slipped the phone back into his pocket. He heard someone clear their throat and turned to see Burt standing in the doorway. Blaine looked at him for a moment before turning his attention back to Kurt.

“Andrew Sawin called,” Burt said as he stepped into the room. “He called Kurt’s phone last night and Rachel talked to him; she told him what happened.” Blaine remained silent so Burt continued. “He wants to speak to you.”

“Then he’ll have to come here. I’m-”

“Not leaving, yeah, I know and that’s what I told him. He’ll be here in an hour,” Burt told him. He sank into the chair on Kurt’s other side.

Blaine continued to stare at Kurt’s face in silence. Burt didn’t force him to talk. When Carole, Finn and Rachel returned, Burt and Finn left to gather some of Blaine’s things from the apartment. Rachel slipped out of the room to call her fathers. Blaine and Carole were alone in the room when Dr. Cartwright stopped by while doing his rounds. Blaine only half listened as Cartwright repeated everything Blaine had already heard the night before to Carole.

“Will he be able to use his arm?” Carole asked.

Blaine’s eyes snapped to Cartwright. Even as he had asked the previous night if there would be lasting damage, he never stopped to think that Kurt might not ever be able to use his arm.

“The cuts were so deep they were almost to the bone. Kurt injured his anterior radial nerve as well as the volar branch of his anterior median nerve,” Cartwright answered Carole as any doctor would speak to a nurse.

“What does that mean?” Blaine demanded, his full attention now on the doctor.

“The radial nerve is mainly a sensory nerve but it does control some movement, namely in the wrist itself. The median nerve is a sensory nerve but can affect movement of the thumb. We stitched the nerves back together but there is a chance that they will not regrow; regrowth takes many months regardless so it is likely we will not know the true extent of the damage for a while.

“Kurt also injured several flexor tendons. We stitched those tendons back together but again, it will take time to heal. It could be three months before the tendons are completely healed. Once Kurt is off suicide watch we will fit him with a splint which will limit his movement as he can cause further injury if he attempts to use his hand. Kurt may experience some long-term stiffness and scar tissue could limit his motion after a while which could require a second surgery,” Cartwright explained.

All of this was hard for Blaine to take in, but he understood the basics of what Dr. Cartwright had said. Kurt Hummel would never be the same.

K/B

After Rachel returned, Carole explained what the doctor had said. Blaine ignored them. His mind was racing and his thoughts were only of Kurt. He only looked away from his fiancé’s face when a knock sounded on the door.

“Blaine, may I come in?” Andrew’s voice drifted into the room.

Blaine nodded. Andrew introduced himself to Carole and Rachel. After a few seconds of polite conversation, Carole steered Rachel out of the room, leaving Blaine and Andrew to talk in peace.

“I’ve spoken with Kurt’s doctor,” Andrew began. “He has a long road of recovery before him.”

“If he wakes up,” Blaine whispered.

“He will wake up, Blaine.”

“Really? How do you know? Can you promise me that?” Andrew didn’t answer. “Why are you even here? Can you even talk to me without Kurt’s consent?”

Blaine knew he was being rude but at the moment he couldn’t care less.

“When Kurt signed his HIPAA form he gave permission for me to divulge details of his treatment with you,” Andrew said, surprising Blaine. Kurt had never mentioned that to him. “I’m here because Kurt is very sick.”

“Obviously,” Blaine spat.

“Blaine, I know you’re hurting; I know this is the last thing you want to be thinking about right now. But we have to consider the possibility that Kurt’s treatment take another direction.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m recommending Kurt for inpatient treatment at a rehabilitation center.”